We've got drama right here in River City! Maroon 5 and Bo Butt. Ryan says Randy had a hard-on for Syesha, or something. Last night was an emotional moment of time in which Paula gifted Syesha with the gift of recognition. Why yes, THIS is American Idol!
Up With People brings us "Reelin' in the Years" as if to spite me. There is no one on this planet more eminently qualified to espouse the world-weary wisdom of Steely Dan than David Archuleta. Fancy footwork! I wonder if their "rock research" this week included learning the origin of this band's name. This. Is. So. Joyless. Hearing "are you gathering up the tears/have you have enough of mine?" from Syesha is a precious thing. This makes The Free Design sound like Pantera. RICKEY MINOR JAMZ! Kimberly Caldwell sighting! Oh thank God it's over.
Let's take a loving look back at last night. The horror! Is it wrong of me to be charmed by Jason's "Mr. Tambourine Man"? Is the situation that dire? Is the answer to one of these questions no and the other yes? Guess!
Boy, that David A. sure is chatty. I don't care about his "game plan" with his "song choices." He's a riveting conversationalist. (He's not.) He's safe! (He is!)
HD is not kind to the ladies of "Sex and the City."
Our contestants got a "taste of the high life" on a glamorous jet! Jason's livin' the high life every day my friend. Star treatment makeovers! Somehow that is the best they can manage with David C., what a shame. A girl makes out with Jason, and then Jason makes out with a dolphin. Thank goodness I can FFWD through this Cirque du Soleil bullshit. Thanks, time wasting cross-promotional package!
Randy wants David C. to stay original dude and rock it out baby. He insists his head was in the wrong place which is strange since his head is usually UP HIS ASS because he is an ASS HEAD. He's safe, what a shame.
So it's down to THIS ONE or THAT ONE.
FORD MUSIC VIDEO! "Ring of Fire." Toreadors. Mustang. Chris: "They just wanted an excuse to put them in tight pants." Ryan takes notice!
Taylor Hicks is ready for you to lick and send ... through the mail.
Live phone calls are a must to ignore and avoid.
Chris sure looks perplexed by Maroon 5: "I wish they'd turn down the music so we can hear his voice!"* Chris wonders how it must feel for them to open for Bo Bice. This is presenting a great example to our contestants!
The cost of groceries is through the roof. You can save if you play the grocery game! Find out how TONIGHT on the Fox 9 News at 9!
Chris is right, this Valleyfair commercial does suck.
Let's welcome Bo Butt back to the AI stage! Chris: "Is he Rascal or Flatts?" He's been working on his Lenny Ray Vaughn-Kravitz impersonation. Chris notes that he spits a lot. Just think, contestants, someday this show will be all you too have left to momentarily resuscitate you out of obscurity. Speaking of which, Phil Stacey sighting!
Today's gas price hike caused some tense moments around town. And what would make a man jump off a skyscraper ... for fun? TONIGHT on the Fox 9 News at 9!
How dare Pieman equate Jason Castro and Ace Young?! HOW DARE HE?!
Oh hey it's time to say goodbye to someone! Is it the self-effacing goofball who doesn't give a shit or the creep with the crocodile tears who tries too hard?
"Somebody told me I shot the tambourine man yesterday. That was pretty funny." Ryan notes Jason seems relieved to be making an exit, and there's a good reason why: "There's three songs next week, I dunno what I woulda done!"
I will forever celebrate you home, Jason Castro. I have no idea if it simply took time for you to reveal yourself as a treasure or if it was just easy to step up your charm game in a season full of joyless prigs. You will be missed—at least until AI recognizes the potential of putting out a DVD of nothing but your finest moments and outtakes. Your goodbye video proves you're worth it!
P.S., ugh, this show.
*See, that's funny because it's totally the opposite of what really should have been happening!!!
I couldn't bear to deal with this tonight as I'm not only deathly ill but also trying to finish off Tony Fletcher's Keith Moon biography (fabulous) and am too distracted by tales of the majesty and genius of real rock stars. Also, this makes David C.'s second choice of song especially painful. The greatest drummer in the history of the universe is about to croak and you give me THIS SHIT?!
Thankfully my better half has stepped up to take this task on with gusto!, and my detached viewing experience allowed me to finally realize that David A. equals RANDY VANWARMER.
Tonight's title is brought to you courtesy David C.'s DYNAMIC lyrical transformation of "Hungry Like the Wolf," a crime far worse than Jason choking on "jingle jangle morning." And remember: Syesha in the top four is at least as important as the Civil Rights Movement! Enjoy!
Kim is very sick - or maybe sick from watching me watch primary results - and said I could fill in for her tonight. EVERYBODY LOSES - NEXT
Well, there's only four and half of them are named David. Ryan tells us three have been #1 already - who could not have been #1? (Hint: RACISM + SEXISM) But enough of this fill in the blank style commentary... THIS.............
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...
...
...is aMERican Idol!
Quick, backstage during this animation!
Ryan emerges from the magic "The Price is Right" doors and promises that no matter what, there's only two weeks left of this crap this go round. Let's say hi to the judges! Hi, judges!
Here now are YOUR TOP FOUR, America. You'd think that they'd have better people promising better choices for their wardrobes, but only Syesha looks remotely "star."
This week's theme has something to do with the Rock'n'Roll Hall of Fame. Not only was Ike Turner a notorious wife beater, he also invented rock'n'roll (for the purposes of this montage)!
Rock'n'roll, we learn, was "rich cultural heritage" which could only be preserved by...Ahmet Ertegun? Sure, why not.
Elvis Presley was very famous!
How come the Top Four look better in this clip than they do on tonight's show?
Mine is not to ask why, mine is to soldier on through eight songs. In a dramatic switch, the judges will talk after EACH performance!
DAVID COOK says we'll get "Hungry Like the Wolf" with his own personal changes and LIKE IT. When he stands it on his head, he does not literally stand on his head, which I found a great disappointment. Kim is covering her mouth to avoid spreading germs - and limit the horror escaping from her throat. She's also laughing hysterically at what apparently is another expression of horror on MY face. He's in touch with the ground! I think that's what he said, anyway. Doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo. Why's he trying so hard to look like Jamie Oliver, anyway? Randy says his song choice was "ok" with a "solid" performance but he's looking for "mad hot" so I think "ok" won't cut it. Paula's got a big appetite after "Hungry Like the Wolf" - a big appetite for his package, I guess. Simon proclaims it "good enough to get through to next week" which is to say "surely better than Syesha will need to be later." I did NOT see Cook put his palms together for a Steve Jobs-esque "thankyou" but I didn't have my eyes on him the whole time...
NEXT: Syesha!
American Idol is brought to you by FORD! PLAY ARTIST ZEBRA
So You Think You Can Sit Through Two Hours of "Dance" premiers soon!
Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader? Not if you're actually watching this show!
Ryan and the Coca-Cola logo spend some time on stools with SYESHA! OMG she's so excited about the upcoming tour! She can't wait to meet her (apparently existent) fans! Talk talk talk talk talk. Let's find out what she's singing.
Of course, it's PROUD MARY by Tina Turner. Everyone else has covered it, so why CAN'T she? She'll show us right now! In order to avoid comparisons to Tina, her dress is entirely too long and she completely fails to leave puddles of her own sweat all over the stage. She also opts to sing "toot toot toot" during the breakdown. This song doesn't work so well as a 4" edit. I believe that's the tattoo and rack of Carly over the judges' shoulders! I missed the judges' comments but I believe they were entirely too kind. It's up to Simon to save us - and here comes the slight damper: a bad, shrieky version - a bad impersonation of Tina Turner. X gets the square. Randy offers that Louisiana and England means he and Simon are from different places. It's up to Simon to "keep it real." Syesha's having FUN! She will have FUN! celebrating her self home in 24!
Jason opens his mouth! David fails to show emotion of any kind! They're NEXT!
There is an awesome Jimmy Johns (in Japanese) ad during the local spot of this break, but you didn't see it if you're not in this market. Your loss, dude.
The Valley Fair ad is less awesome. Back to the FFWD key!
Darlington Saturday Night NASCAR! Now we're talking!
iTunes is the place for tonight's performances as well as those of Milo Turk (thanks Monitor commenter!)
Ryan hits on Carly...and convinces no one
JASON spends 45 minutes telling us that he's going to perform Bob Marley's "I Shot the Sheriff" and then spends 90 seconds reminding us that you can grow the longest dreads in the world but you're still a white dude. Randy's use of the word "karaoke" was a kind way of telling him he wasn't black enough. Jason doesn't care! Jason is probably wishing he'd worn an Africa medallion. Paula didn't like it but was happy he actually performed to the audience. Simon warns him to stand back, and then proclaims it utterly atrocious. The song shouldn't be touched, terrible arrangement, looks like a first round trainwreck, doesn't know what he was thinking. Jason: "I was thinking Bob Marley!" Ryan asks Randy and Simon to twist the knife and they comply. Paula reiterates that she'd like to have his baby if only she was physically able. Syesha's feeling better.
DAVID ARCHULETA is going to sing "Stand By Me" by "Benny King" - he's always sung it to himself when he was alone, under the covers, so softly, so that his father wouldn't come in with the belt. What the heck is with that T-shirt? I believe it's an actual picture of doves crying. Sadly, David does not augment the instrumentation with his own performance on triangle - I mean, if you're gonna GO, go ALL THE WAY. I get that David developed a great love of Wil Wheaton from watching that movie and that's how he came to love this song as well. I get that. He wants the beautiful girls to stand by him, but then he tries to sing in castrati land? That dad needs to take off his dad racing cap. Ryan says it was so hot, dude, it was hot. Are the judges afraid of his dad, too? I can't take all this ass kissing. Save us, Simon. Another shot at Jason, wow get over it. He thinks he struggled near the end, but in the grand scheme of things, that's probably the best performance so far. David says their faces scare him. I think a lot of things scare him.
This is like a WWE Supershow - just when you think it's over - it's only half over. I bet you were wondering what the over/under was on me making a professional wrestling reference. Everybody tries again after this break!
American Idol is brought to you by CRAPPY AT&T WIRELESS!
Kim has already proclaimed her overjoyedness that she's not writing this several times. I think I need a present or something.
Ryan and Coca-Cola sit Cook on the stool. He's in his element this week! Coming up, purple potatoes with shallots!
His second song is "Baba O'Reilly" by The Who. He chose it because it's the theme song of one of the shows in the "CSI" franchise. Wow, he's taking everything I love about this song and making sure it's completely gone from his version - that must be the COOK MAGIC. I dunno, when they're cut to this length, you probably shouldn't sing them TWICE AS SLOW - oh wait, here we go with the speedup - what the hell? That was, like, two seconds of tease and then it was over. (Kim may find that familiar!) Randy says it's great, Paula wants more Dave Cook (inside her), Simon welcomes him back. In a sense, he's right, welcomening him back my friends to a show which never ends. Let's take a quick break and then Syesha and Jason will see who REALLY wants to get gone!
It's not dancing unless you're practically naked! On FOX!
Rascal Flatts are in the house, wishing they'd picked a different week to sit in the audience! Get thyself to iTunes and spend more money!
SYESHA says A Change is Gonna Come, but unlike Sam Cooke, she's going to be alive when she sings it! The Civil Rights Movement was, like, very important! And this song has, like, totally different meanings or something! We are blessed with an outfit change! (If David changed beyond putting on that blazer I didn't catch it.) I'm curious to see whether Mercado wants to suck up to the foot fetish crowd for another week but the dress is too long for us to be sure. I dunno, I thought she sang it like she should have been sitting on the piano and pretending to be Fantasia. Not that I spent a lot of time watching Fantasia, either. Randy didn't like this as much as the first one. He's talking long enough that I bet Carly has to adjust her top again. Paula stands and applauds. She just wants to hug her. She utilized everything she'd hope she'd use (I guess she IS barefoot?) then makes her cry. Oh, for all the blatant emotional appeals for...fortunately, Simon still has to talk. Oh, he "surprised" us by agreeing with (dramatic pause) Paula. It meant a lot to her! Tears in the cleavage means a lot to ME! She spent a lot of time at the National Archives researching ... oh, stop. When your makeup runs, you actually look LESS BLACK. Randy says he's TOO BLACK. Ryan says Hell's Kitchen is gonna start - not soon enough!
In deep trouble, JASON offers "Mr. Tambourine Man" by Bob Dylan. With any luck, he will NOT give a FUCK and perform appropriately. Knowing that he must not disappoint me, he completely forgets two bars during the chorus - but remembers it later. It might have been better if he'd adopted the William Shatner rendition, but that version probably wasn't on his iPod. Randy asks him to evaluate himself so he wouldn't have to. Paula proclaims that it is what it is, but he blows her (away). Simon tells Jason to pack his suitcase. This is probably just a brilliant move on Jason's part to stay in the competition. That dude is CLEARLY a CRIMINAL MASTERMIND.
The end is in sight! One more from the chippermunchkin NEXT!
Adolescent insomnia is on the rise! What can you do about it? (Tell them to stop watching FOX Prime Time and get into the bed?) TONIGHT ON FOX AT 10
ACE YOUNG special guest corpse on BONES!!!!!!!!!!! (Who is Ace Young?)
Hell's Kitchen REALLY IS NEXT
But first, DAVID ARCHULETA picks "Love Me Tender" by Elvis Presley, because there's nothing more appropriate for a boy of his age to sing. Let's take a quick scarf count - ZERO. Well, that's an F from me. At least this shirt is better than that first one...by which I mean it has more buttons and less birds. Was this version in "Aladdin" or something? Somewhere...out...there....yeah, it totally fits. Once again, gratuitous falsetto at the end - why? I cannot say. I expect the judges won't, either. Randy proclaims him tender and caressing of each word. Hot vocal of the night! Paula felt his hard (when she held him close to her bosom). Simon says he didn't just beat the competition, he crushed them. David can't believe it! He never believes anything! Thank you! Thank you!
Recap of what we just saw. I hate to say it, but I think the peak was that wacky "Hungry Like the Wolf" - especially given a second chance to see that very emotional lean-in-and-LOOK. "They're all WASTED!" Oh God, I really can't take Syesha, I don't care if she's improved at all over the past however many weeks, she's awwwwwwwwwwful. But that's nice eye shadow and lipstick! They wisely play the time Jason remembered the words. I sure wish Chikezie were here - that man could SING. Who will be the next Tamyra Gray or Daughtry? I bet if it's Jason he will NOT be like them other folks! Jason salutes his shorts.
8:03 and we're outta here - Hell's Kitchen starts NOW.
THERE YOU HAVE IT.
I can usually be found at the-w.com when I'm not commenting here.
Ryan looks especially froggy. I still haven't recovered from the horror vacui of last night, so I'm not ready for any of this. What is this? THIS is American Idol!
Up With People a.k.a. Five People Who Sound Really Terrible Together brings us a tribute to Neil Diamond. Jason is ready to smoke some of that Crack-lin' Rosie! David A. is INTENSE. When it's Brooke and Syesha, "Song Sung Blue" is song sung bad. Some other things happen! I stop caring!
Oh look, it's Ace Young and his cracklin' rosy cheeks. He still inspires a reaction that is purely eew girl, eew.
Let's look back at last night, when David C.'s reaction to Paula's "looking at the American Idol" comment is "but of course—I mean OH WOW SURPRISE!"
Jason is safe, because good people love good times and good people having good times and inspiring good feelings in good people. We catch the tail end of Syesha having a full-on WTF moment that must have really been quite extraordinary.
David A. is safe and can't believe it! His creepy stage dad must have been really effectively brainwashingly critical about his performance last night or something.
One of these three is going home! Which one of these three is giving the camera the gas face? Why, it's Syesha, of course!
That other guy is safe! Who cares? American Idol is SEXIST!
Now Syesha's the one who can't stop talking. Shut up! Brooke says she has kicked into that happy grateful mode. I've felt like kicking people in their grateful modes all day.
Natasha Bedingfield looks unfresh. Like she's lived a lifetime without sunscreen and is actually an Applebee's hostess. Or a drag Cherie Currie. Maybe the latter is too much of a compliment. You know I'm right.
Teens addicted to texting! What are the symptoms? How to cut your kid off! Plus something about insurance! TONIGHT on the Fox 9 News at 9!
Our FORD MUSIC VIDEO! will try to catch the wind. It is boring. Chris: "They let Jason drive?" High fives all around!
Neil Diamond gives more than this show deserves! I'm busy trying to find videos of Chicago on "SNL" in 1979 doing "I'm a Man" and "Street Player" for that is what his horn section brings to mind. Also, those are like two of the greatest moments in televised television. I come up empty. Seriously, seek them out and find them. They are fantastic.
Chris keeps rewinding to the point where Neil really starts to "feel it." He is also singing "Love on the Rocks" and making up his own lyrics in a moving tribute to David A. and Amanda O. Just makin' shit up—that gets you places in this world!
Has this show been on for three hours? Can we get it over with?
Celebrate her home! Let's take a look back on her amazing journey from lovable daffy Jesus girl to insufferable maniacal blabbermouth. Aww, remember the old days? Those were good days, the old days. Who thought Syesha would outlast her? Anyone? Anyone?
By the way, when she choked up on that first line, how many of us said "Sorry, can I start over?" without even thinking? Show of hands!
Meanwhile, Jason just keeps smiling and singing along.
That'll never get old. Keep it classy, my man!
Can you believe it's down to five? Will this show be over fast enough? Rita Wilson doesn't think so! THIS is American Idol!
Simon is exposing way too much chest hair. Syesha looks about 40. OH NO everyone is doing two songs tonight. Sweet Jesus be a DVR outage.
Tonight is Neil Diamond night, which means it's any ordinary night at any karaoke bar on any given day. Neil Diamond's career is ASTONISHING and RELENTLESS. He looks remarkably good! Jason looks downright tickled to shake his hand. Brooke can't stop talking at him. What a surprise.
Jason possesses Neil's kind of instrument! This young man is forever in blue jeans. True dat. All the ladies go squeal! He's a good time guy full of good times and good feelings for good people who enjoy good times and good feelings.
Oh look, he has the AC from the AC/DC logo on his jacket and his initials are DC and it's like some kind of ROCK AND ROLL REBUS. GET IT?! He gave Neil goosebumps, just like the ones you get when you have the flu and you are fixing to vomit. He's alive! Alive with douchey flavor. Could he enunciate any less? Does he think that's cool? Someone needs to tell him it's not cool, because it's totally not cool.
She's going to play two instruments! She's a believer. Those are some shiny mom jeans. They bring out her crow's feet. What the ... oh. Oh my God. What. What the. Oh my God. Are we at the county fair? WTF?! Nice Farfisa. This is seriously maybe honestly one of the worst things I've ever heard, and I've heard Diana DeGarmo. She looks completely terrified by her horribleness and totally horrified by her terribleness. Smile that plastic smile! She's lucky she's not being judged immediately after this!
Ryan implores us to own a piece of Archuleta. No! Oh man, he's picked like the two most obvious cheesy-ass things available. Sweet Caroline, I don't know how your melody goes so I just make that shit up! Good times never seemed so yagh. Bill Cosby on the trombone, ladies and gentlemen. Nice Jailhouse Rock outfit. Hip shaking! I'm frightened! There's something downright Logginsesque about this entire undertaking.
Syesha says hellooooooooooo. Groan. Neil wants to touch her body! Hello again, hello. I vote no. Seriously, how many decades has she aged in six days? That center part does her no favors. Prop sitting! No shoes again this week for all the pervs with telephones and text messaging capabilities. Helloooo, my friend, I am oversinginnnnnnnng. Hello again, hell-nooooooo!
Paula proceeds to take her crazy game to new heights by taking most of the "quick review" time criticizing both of Jason's performances at length before someone points out he's only performed once. And then trying to play it off by saying Jason #2 was actually David C. #1, which she reiterates to be something completely different from what she originally said for Jason #2. I think I may have to be done with this show. Soon.
September Morn! Stay with us a while, Jason, we only want to talk to you and watch you make faces behind Ryan's back and smack yourself in the face for being a bonehead. Prop sitting! Prop standing! Seriously, someone needs to make Sooner or Later II with this dude. Everyone is all like whatever. (Chris: "Paula was right!")
All he really needs is you! But he doesn't really need any of us at all, honestly, remember, 'cause he's all totally above us and shit. Someone needs to make "Stop Snitching" shirts that instead read "Stop Smirking" and then wear them around him at all times. Just what we need, another Lifehouse! Try enunciating every once in a while dude, damn. He plays his guitar left-handed, which makes him SINISTER. I just felt like throwing that in there. I'm not even going to bother with anyone's comments because they're all the same damn thing every week and who the F cares. I mean OH MY GOD I JUST SAW JESUS AND HIS NAME IS DAVID COOK THE MUSICIAN AND PERFORMER CURRENTLY SEEN ON AMERICAN IDOL ONLY ON FOX.
She is, she said! She is a lot of things. She's caught between two coasts and making her way back from the palm trees of L.A. to ... Arizona. Oh. OK. I'm lost and I can't even say why. Well, I can say why but it goes without saying. The. HELL. Yeah like one minute or whatever does this song justice. Everyone likes it? I'm tired. I'm so very very tired.
They're comin' to America! Chris is taking him to task for his outfit's lack of patriotism. Remember when we were choosing our Neil Diamond songs and I picked this one because I have nothing but bad taste when it comes to Neil Diamond songs? Yeah, this song. Is he just kind of making up the melodies as he goes along now? I'm just wondering. Paula: "I love you, I love you, you were brilliant, have fun." Wha—what?
She is going to thank the Lord for the nighttime. Chris: "Thank the Lord the show is almost over." Wow, this doesn't sound horribly dated or anything. This makes the Dreamgirls soundtrack sound like some kind of future music from the future. Paula says that's your you, your performance theatrical place! Oh joy! I don't even know if this is real or if I'm imagining this!
OK. Wow. I am so tired of this show. It is making me hate it so much, and not even the fun kind of hate but the awful kind of hate that makes me miserable. I may not even care anymore. That's not tight. I don't think that's tight.
I came home early to take a nap and I just woke up now! Ryan has his G-man look on tonight. THIS is American Idol!
Please enjoy this Up With People performance of "All I Ask of You," for that is all they ask of you. The dudes somehow sound much better together than the girls do. Ahhh my ears! Enjoy Lloyd Lord Andrew Lord Lloyd Webber on the piano! He does this turning toward the audience and singing bit at the end of the song that is DRAMATIC and FREAKISH. I kind of find it to be kind of awesome. Abigail Breslin approves!
Let's check out this hot molten hot lava bomb of clips from last night! Hahaha LAWL's Moody Blues-esque voice-over on top of the glow-effect tape of the judges with Phantom masks is really quite phenomenal.
Ryan goes inside the Actors Studio with LAWL. His impish urchin-like enthusiasm is strangely compelling. Brooke is clearly displeased that they bring up her false start and registers smug glee when LAWL somehow justifies it. Oh whatever.
The FORD MUSIC VIDEO! salutes Danny Noriega with "Tainted Love." I guess this is a Sin City-type treatment, which is being extremely generous. Carly trying to destroy things? You don't say.
The President and First Lady salute Idol Gives Back. Just one person with talent can win over an audience of millions! You don't say!
We're in Bottom Two mode. The audience cheers "the safety zone." This show is weird. (You don't say.)
David C. says Andrew Lloyd Webber is one of the most definable songwriters. He gives himself a lot of credit for being unpredictable by singing it straightforwardly. Uh. David A. appears to have some kind of post-traumatic stress disorder. They're both safe!
The shot backstage at the four remaining contestants reveals Jason to be yawning. Highlight of the night, or dare I say hiiiighlight.
Let's look at allllllll the Idol alumni on Broadway, which means checking in with the latest stage of Clay's bizarre ongoing makeover. Only he and Tamyra appear to have been cordial enough to contribute new interviews. Now here's Leona Lewis! FLAMES!
Let's bring out Brooke and Syesha! Brooke is safe! Syesha is not! Let's bring out Jason and Carly! Jason is safe! Carly is not!
That's ... fascinating. Chris thinks Carly jinxed herself by saying she's going to have fun "from now on." Now let's make them both sing! Chris: "You having fun now?!"
An arsonist strikes again! From sunny and warm to stormy and cool. And who is Jared Allen? TONIGHT on the Fox 9 News at 9!
Ryan says it's time to put these two lovely ladies out of their misery! They're both gone? You'd think they're being sent to the gas chamber. Jeez, drama. Who's tanked?
Let's celebrate her home! America is the land of opportunity and dreams. Simon apologizes for giving her a compliment last night. "Kiss of death!" So long, big girl chest voice.
Whew. We made it through that one, didn't we?
Tonight, the final six compete! You don't say. It's probably even less exciting than it sounds. WHO will win my vote? (Nobody!) THIS is American Idol!
Idol is doing its part for Earth Day by using Green Power in the finale. You mean Scritti Politti's going to be there?!
I like how Ryan has to ask the audience to "keep the noise going" before introducing the contestants. Ugh, Lord, no. By which I mean Lord Andrew Lloyd Webber, YES! I mean actually, no. Chris: "Ha! He's funny lookin'!" LALW: "I'm a composer, all right?" Tremendous. "I'm your servant." Whoa! We're storytelling tonight. Words words words! Chris: "It'd be funnier if it was Terry Jones doing an impersonation of him." I believe that to be true!
Once again, tonight is the TOUGHEST NIGHT OF THE SEASON! or so Randy says. I've checked out in my mind already. And out of my mind. The contestants need to be memorable! (No shit!) And contemporary! And colorful! I can safely say if it's not from Evita or Jesus Christ Superstar, I probably won't know it.
Let's get this one over with. Finally, she can show personality, thanks to this cheesy theme! Uh. Wow. That's sad. The words "musical theater" are uttered. She looks like she has a Gremlin head on. Way to miss your cue!!! I don't know this song. It's apparently from Starlight Express. I must shake my head in wonder. Her boobs are squished in a gross, floppy way. Prop dancer! WTF? Ohhhhh this is corny corny corny bad, I mean CORNY DELICIOUS like DELICIOUS CORN. Did she forget the words and repeat the same thing over and over? That's what it sounded like. BRILLIANT and INNOVATIVE. Randy says she could have a Broadway career. I would take that as an insult. Paula says it's her happy place, Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber! Eew, Simon says "sexy." He understands that "Broadway star" is not a compliment. That was RICKEY MINOR! dancing? Yaaagh. I mean OMG that was the most tremendous two minutes of entertainment I have ever had the pleasure of being entertained by! Exclams!!!
Jason is not aware of the works from which these songs originate. He says he is embarrassed by that. He should not be. Ugh, "Memory." LALW thinks Jason kinda understood it, maybe. Jason: "I didn't know a cat was singin' it." LALW proclaims this a brave choice! LALW seems perplexed by this entire enterprise. Mood lighting! White suit! This is like "Hallelujah" Part II. It's kind of weird! EMOTING!!!! If you touch him, you'll understand what happiness is. Randy says "trainwreck" and "not your thing, dude" and "too much melody." Paula says he is not a female power balladeer, and this further identifies his unique being as an artist. Simon says it's a democracy and people have a choice and people shouldn't vote for this. Rosalyn Sanchez violently disapproves of that advice!
Ugh, "You Must Love Me." Nothing like hitching your wagon to a half-assed afterthought created expressly for Oscar consideration! LAWL believes she doesn't have a clue what she's singing about until he tells her what she's singing about. This is one of the most powerful moments she's experienced on this show, she declares. Nice false start, professional. She's sorry! I hope she has a Nellie McKay/Cat Power-style breakdown on this stage someday. If she makes it past this week, oh-ho! I've never liked this song. Man, she looks angry! We MUST love her! MUST!!!! Randy overlooks the false start, but Paula does not! In a big way! Uncomfortable silence! You must never stop and start! Simon: "quite uncomfortable." Rick Schroeder approves! Chris: "At least she shut up while the judges were talking."
Ryan allows David to be manhandled by young girls. This is apparently a Phantom song for a girl. LALW says we should all be saying bravo! His two pieces of advice are to are to keep his eyes open and to keep his eyes open. Chris and I enjoy this a great deal. We think it's "More Than Words" when it starts. You can see him totally struggling to keep his eyes open. Those BEADY LITTLE EYES. This is totally 98˚ or, dare I say, O-Town. Randy says it was the bomb, this dude is the one to beat! Paula says it was perfect and that he is quite able. Simon: "one of your weakest" and "forgettable." He's trying to get that creepy stage dad riled up. Paul Stanley approves!
LAWL says she has a big girl chest voice. Well, yes. He wisely steers her from a crap ballad to "Superstar," if only for my unintentional enjoyment. JUDAS. Bombastic! Seizure lighting! RICKEY MINOR DANCING! I'll overlook the horrible parts of this to be like, OK, at least she's doing a song that is appropriate for screaming. Her glitter eyeliner is distracting. JUDAS. Randy is all like whatever. Paula likes it. Simon likes it. She's so happy! She needs to keep her mouth shut when she's happy, ack, she looks like a snake unhinging its jaw. She somehow has a "Simon Likes Me" T-shirt at the ready. That seems presumptuous. She proceeds to drape it over her boobs and they all go boing boing boing boing. She knows her strengths. Her two strengths.
We hear the words "Music of the Night" and we both have to take a moment to fall out laughing and then try to stop ourselves from laughing. The second part is very difficult. Raw passion! Look deeply into Lord Andrew's eyes! Let your soul take you where you long to be! Oh wow this is soooo lame I mean it is the BEST THING I HAVE EVER SEEN. Why is he using his mic like he is eating an ice cream cone? Look at that! I'm not kidding, right? Ugh, STOP LOOKING AT ME. Did LALW neglect to tell him to keep his eyes open? He's either got his eyes shut or he's STARING at me. I mean really, that is just creepy. Creepily ATTRACTIVE AND AWESOME and drippy and gross I mean THE MOST FANTABULOUS PROGRESSIVE INTERPRETATION EVER TO GRACE THE WORLD OF MUSICAL THEATER. Randy says dude, molten hot lava bomb tonight! Paula says this song just proved more and more that he is so well-rounded as a performer with a beautiful instrument. Simon says it is too rounded off, so everyone is thinking "round." Is it David's elliptically shaped head? That must be what is inspiring it. Wow, it is like twice as big as Ryan's head. That is so creepy. I mean it is a CLEAR INDICATION of his GIANT BRAIN of GENIUS.
Was it just me, or did you hear people laughing hysterically during David C.'s recap? Hahahaha. I mean HOW DARE THEY!!!!!
Chris: "In honor of Earth Day, are you recycling any jokes?"
Who is out? Huh? Hmm. THIS is American Idol!
Mariah Carey! ELLIOTT! I knew he was going to be on 'cause he MySpaced me. We're close like that. Randy's hair looks crazy. Did it always look like that?
Please take a moment to consider:
Chilling, is it not?
Up With People brings us "One Sweet Day"! Jason, please don't fly away, so far away. Kristy's cleavage is sparkly! Syesha's on camera and Chris goes "ugh." He's got a vendetta. Not me though, for she is the BEST ALWAYS AND FOREVER. Carly, oh gosh. When David C. starts "feeling it" we start laughing. Because we can't believe the AWESOMENESS, obviously. Syesha and David C. pair up and it's like they've been reading my mind!
I think I'm going to start wearing blush like Mariah wears it. It's adorable! I guess Randy's hair did look like that yesterday and I'm the one who's crazy. Brooke wishes it didn't hurt, but it does. David C. is still a douche. By which I mean he is REFRESHING and MEDICINAL.
Jason hasn't been to the beach much, and he really likes it! He has a magical way with words. David C. talk talk talk talk talk talk. Carly really enjoyed herself! She really enjoys herself mouthing off at Simon, apparently. We love ourselves a lot here on Idol, don't we? Did Kristy say Simon can be a butt?
FORD MUSIC VIDEO! brings us "I Want to Break Free." Now this is more to my high-concept liking, although the presence of the automobile seems more forced than usual until the very end. I must be critical of all things during this, the most TALENT-LADEN season of all. Also, I totally want Kristy's hair.
ELLIOTT! He is forever the smoovest. His mom just died which makes me :'(. This is like the only "returning contestant" song any of us could imagine listening to more than once and not as a joke or a dare, right? I'm not at all biased. His giant fake teeth still freak me out. OMG SWAY is singing backup! Oh no, he did the writing on the hand thing, but I forgive him, for he is motivated by grief. Ryan is overjoyed to once again be in the presence of Elliott's shortness. As am I! DON'T LEAVE ME, ELLIOTT. Now he's gone. Oh well.
This whole "Rio" Pussycat Doll Brazilian body wash thing is ... astounding. Chris immediately hits up that URL so that he may "unleash the enchantment of Brazil," which can only be done on the Internet. Chris: "I think that means being kidnapped and held for ransom."
Live callers (who I hate) give Paula the opportunity to get sassy with Simon. "Straight up, Simon, I'll never be forever your girl." Ooh la la! David C. is single? You don't say. RUBEN STAMPS! RUBEN STAMPS!!!
Mariah Carey is, first and foremost, a scientist. Her crystal-covered mic and stand are a wonder to behold. Wow, there are some ultrasonic things happening at the end there. Mariah says the whole world can tell I love myself some him, some Randy! Spectacular. We will never say bye-bye! Oh wait, we have to. But TO WHOM? It appears we have our bottom three:
I guess I have to mention they did the two-groups-of-three-pick-the-one-you're-in move (to which David A. chose to sit down for he is but an innocent child caught up in this adult game of deception and cruelty) although they SWITCHED IT UP! this year and put the wrong people in the groups to F everybody up. I sensed something weren't right but they still scared the crap out of me for a second.
Please take a moment to consider:
You know it's a dream come true.
Two businesses go up in smoke—but that's not all! And a local Boy Scout troop loses everything. TONIGHT on the Fox 9 News at 9!
And we're baaaaaack! Syesha is safe. Er. Brooke can't stop talking. Who goes home?
"Well, at least I made it past the top 10." That's the spirit! Between this and the revelation the dude won't sell her back her horse, this is not her night. Will that hug from Ryan make it all better? It should!!!
Well, you somehow won me over, dead-eyed robot girl, and I am strangely sad to see you go. That is a victory in and of itself. I salute you—you and your Indomitable Spirit!
THIS dramatic pause is American Idol!
Ryan informs us that if last week taught us anything, it is that it's important we vote for our favorite contestants. And that reflects last week's results how?
This video package basically makes Mariah Carey look like the sluttiest person alive. Touch her body! Chris is scandalized and outraged by this from start to finish. He accuses her of biting Giorgio, which I would be very impressed by if she was actually aware of doing it. Oh, I'm sure she wants to "see every one of [the contestants] at the top of the charts." Suuure.
David A. and Mariah "hugging" is one of the most awkward things I have ever seen. He seems surprised to admit her advice was "helpful." He's going to be real and authentic! Are those leather pants? Hold me, I'm frightened. He was moving mountains long before he knew he could! Who knows what miracles he could achieve if he believes? This seems like such a show-closer, so why would they put this first? That falsetto kind of sucked. Quit looking at me! This was certainly better for him than, like, almost every other thing he's done. Randy says he can sing anything, that was the bomb, baby! Paula thinks it must be great for Mariah to hear his interpretation. I don't know if Mariah would appreciate Paula speaking for her. Simon: "I don't think we're in for a lot of laughs." Simon is so wise about all things. He is a treasure.
Carly looks like she's wearing felt Miss Piggy puppet cleavage over her chest. Seriously, look at that! It's mortifying. Mariah has been loving what she doing. Mariah must have been off smoking that reefer with JC. Speaking of which, OH JESUS. How is "Without You" a Mariah Carey song? This never fails to piss me off. EVERY TIME. This is like "All By Myself" being a Celine Dion song times infinity.* WTF is she doing with the melody? I'm going to refrain from any comment here other than to say that Chris keeps going "pffft" and "thbbbt" through this whole thing. Look, there's Harry, the Guy With the Snake on his Face! He's back! Randy is like, whatever. Paula says she's choosing different parts and making it her own. Simon thinks she didn't pull it off. Bad Idea Jeans.
Ryan saying "favorite contestants" right before introducing this one inspired both Chris and I to declare "She is not my favorite contestant." She brings out the best of hating in all of us. I mean OMG she is great!!! Nice glitter. She's vanishing! She's drifting away! I wish. I mean oh no, I hope this does not turn out to be an ironic song choice!!! I pray Mariah deliberately gives her bad advice. I mean just the opposite of what I just said. Screaming. Screaming! Chris: "Stop looking at me!" That one dude in her "family and friends" reminds me of that Tool video. Calm down, sir. That was harrowing. Randy said she "did good all things considered." Ha. Paula points out her canny tactic of selecting a deep cut. Unbelievably magical! Simon is all like ehh.
Brooke and Kristy want your sooooooouls! Have I ever had an OMG moment? I don't know! But I do know I don't want a "private concert" with you, Ashley Tisdale. Whore.
Wow, if you're sad about missing your sister's wedding, maybe your priorities are wack. Ryan should know better than to engage Brooke in conversation about herself. Chris: "When they texted her from the wedding, they said shuuuuut uuuuup!" Oh wow, she's sitting. Through her mentor video. I think she must have a condition. More than one condition. Prop piano! She's taking sparkle lessons from Kristy. This is OK, I guess. I never liked this song and I have low expectations. Chris: "Now if we could just get her to stop shaking like she needs crack ... " Randy is like check it out, you brought the whole singer-songwriter thing to it, the bridge threw me a little bit, vocally, you know. STOP AGREEING YOU MESSED UP WHEN SOMEONE POINTS IT OUT TO YOU. Golldang. Paula says every ounce of her is authentic to who she is! Simon says she's a hamburger without the bit in the middle. Randy and Paula say the meat was in the bun. Randy suggests it was missing condiments. My head just exploded. Chris: "I'm hungry."
Mariah is feeling Kristy very dramatically in the mentor video. Wow. Wow. Kristy gave her chills! I wonder what that means? Forever, you will always be the only one! I think Kristy just kind of completely kicked Carly's ass from start to finish with this, call me crazy. I'm in bizarro world. Randy didn't think it was amazing but she definitely started steppin' up! Paula sees through to Kristy's evil genius, then she proceeds to babble on about nothing. Simon is cranky. Ryan and Kristy make like they're posing for prom pictures. I want a picture of that in a heart-shaped frame.
David C. will NOT give up his guitar to hug Mariah. "Always Be My Baby"? Is this a joke? Mariah says his "take" makes her feel good as a songwriter, as it means her songs can withstand ... uh, I guess just about any kind of horrible treatment and torture. I mean BEING TAKEN TO THE NEXT LEVEL OF AWESOME. I didn't know Chris Daughtry was back on this show! Oh wait. Prop string musicians! The camera wisely pans away when he hits the high note. Oops, then it comes back. Ouch. Quit looking at me! Oof, that ended badly. I mean WOW I JUST GOT IMPREGNATED BY GENIUS. Randy is like yeah. Paula is like "that could be in a movie soundtrack." Does that mean it's ... what does that mean? Really?! Simon pretty much wants to have sex with everything about this. Oh Simon, you lost me. I mean YES WE AGREE WHOLEHEARTEDLY. David C. is profoundly moved by this praise! Ugh. He does the "I gratefully bow to you o wise one" move. What a dick. I mean I LOVE IT. Now's the time for crocodile tears!
Chris and I attempt to guess what Jason will perform. Chris picks "Vision of Love." I pick "Dreamlover" or "Fantasy" or "Emotions" or "Boy (I Need You)." I have big, great, great big ideas.
OK, moment of truth. Jason don't want to cry! Oh my goodness. He's so sensitive. I seriously want to see every minute of the Mariah-Jason mentor video, holy shit. Chris points out how he keeps making faces as if to say "Who is this lady?" Prop musicians! It's got that Latin flava! Chris accuses him of "trying to IZ-ify it." Oh how jaded he is. Actual conversation between actual people:
Chris: "Why's he sitting down?"
Me: "He's too sensitive to stand."
Chris: "He's burdened with emotion?"
Me: "Exactly."
Boo, Randy didn't love it! Hahahaha, Jason just cracks up in response. That's the spirit. Paula would love to be at Jason's luau! Simon would too! So would we all! Randy's not invited!
Hahaha, I love how they pick the absolute worst part of Syesha's performance for the recap. I mean HOW HORRIBLE OF THEM, SHE IS A DYNAMIC TALENT, SHE AND DAVID C. ARE #1 FOREVER I WANT THEM TO HAVE BABIES WHO WILL BE THE MOST TALENTED SUPERHUMANS IN HISTORY. So there.
*Even though as far as "diva covers" go, I've always maintained (however begrudgingly) that Mariah's version of "Without You" is tolerable.
Three nights in a row of this show makes me feel like I've been at a Sunday school lock-in. I've spent waaay too much time with these people and I'm not looking forward to seeing them in class next week. Even yet still more guests and surprises in store tonight! Mandisa (just sitting there)! THIS is American Idol!
Let's relive all those horrible "comedic" moments from last night's broadcast, including Miley Cyrus trying to talk through her giant fake teeth. $60M! That makes the pain of unfunny people worthwhile. I think.
Well open the eyes of my heart, Up With People brings us "Shout to the Lord." WTF. I fear I flipped the Songs of Worship switch by bringing up "I Could Sing of Your Love Forever" the other day, I'm sorry. This is BIZARRE. Brooke really loves singin' to Jesus! Have we ever seen her so happy? David C. and Carly take shouting to the Lord quite literally. Dial it back, dial it down, do it for Jesus.
Sadly they do indeed revive last year's lip-sync video horror as some of our favorite B- and C-list stars dance around to "I'm a Believer." Ugh. Kobe Bryant, the Laker With the Thing on His Face! Soooo many people we didn't see last night. Ricki Lake! Ginger and Baby, my two favorite Spices! Rosalyn Sanchez! Dr. Phil! Someone who looks like Johnette Napolitano! The Closer! THE SHIELD! Eddie Izzard really deserves to be doing something better than this. I wish you could see the look on Chris' face right now.
Sad Forest Whitaker makes me sad!
And now, let's welcome Chris Brown and Jordin Sparks. Ryan did announce her second, didn't he? Just checking. Chris is SO EXCITED to see Chris Brown. "Look at that fade! No wonder the ladies love him!" This whole pre-recorded effects vocal thing is giving me a headache. Chris: "Either he's really tiny, or she's really huge—or both." Oh what electric drama do these two generate between each other. ACTING! Now let's bring out her two (TWO!) platinum singles awards psst and gold album award psst and remind ourselves that she's not exactly the least successful Idol champion ever! Ohhh doesn't that make us all feel good.
Tonight's Ford Music Video just wants to celebrate another day of living, another day of life, another week squeaking by on this show. Chris is disappointed they are throwing paint into the L.A. River. "That's not green!"
Ahhhh they finally get around to calling all the safe ones first and leaving the bottom three behind. I love that move. And our bottom three are:
Duh, duh, duh. Who will have the lowest number of votes? Carly helpfully offers up her hand. Way to win 'em over, lady!
Bono is a fan of America! Barack Obama believes deeply in what American Idol is all about. Tremendous.
Syesha and Carly are safe! Which meeeeeans ... Michael has "the lowest number of votes." Hmm, the caveat wording. Please don't dick us over on a night when I would be perfectly gleeful for any or all of the bottom three to get canned.
Ryan: "Last year, during Idol Gives Back, we didn't eliminate anybody at this stage of the competition. Tonight—"
[dramatic pause]
"—we're gonna say goodbye to Michael Johns."
Dun-dun dunnnnnnnnnnnnn!
Wow, cruel. Cruel! CRUEL!!! Even for this show, that is nasty. And during Idol Gives Back week even! AI ain't comin' on soft, y'all. The audience is FREAKED OUT. Paula is incapable of shutting her mouth. Chris: "Wow, he musta pissed someone off."
Sing us out, ascot man, let the good Lord take you away. Luke sighting! Carly can't stop crying over herself. Meanwhile, Jason is just smiling and singing along.
Our hero!
I'm gonna make this as quick as I can.
Opening number: the HELL?! I think that should be the title of this show: "American Idol: The Hell."
Poor Jason can't lip-sync. He's too REAL for this Hollywood bullshit. I enjoy the forced-at-gunpoint "ooh so sexy" look on the dancer's face when she has to touch Smugly. Mama-say mama-sa ma-ma-WTF? Pirouettes! STREET DANCING! Asians! Street dancing Asians! I want Marilyn McCoo to come out and sing the "Solid Gold" theme song RIGHT NOW. This flouncery is brought to you by ExxonMobil! There is some dude two seats down from Paula who looks angry and mortified by all of this. I'm with him.
KYLIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! She and Marg Helgenberger may be turning into the same person. This worries me. I mean, I love Marg and I love Kylie but never the twain shall meet, you know?
Service is fun, cool and rewarding. It also turns you into a creepy, scary Lady Skeletor. Let's welcome Maria Shriver! Wow, her voice is just NOT pleasant. When she talks about young people fueling their souls through service I instead believe she is talking about fueling her reanimated corpse with the souls of young people. This show SCARES ME.
Ben Stiller has inspired me to service the FFWD button.
Is this Jennifer Connelly in some kind of late Dark Water tie-in? Ryan confirms my suspicions, if only about the identity of the person involved. WTF is going on with this show. I feel like I'm taking crazy pills. Speaking of which, let's welcome Snoop Dogg!
Snoop is for the children. It's so hard to say goodbye, but hip-hop's love for "The Way It Is" will never die. If anything would inspire me to GIVE NOW it would be the inspirational, softer side of Snoop. Who doesn't love that?! I mean, his sweatshirt says it all:
YES.
Kobe, WTF is on your face. Try and look presentable for this show, man, you're not above cleaning up for this. Douche.
Hahaha Triple H hahahahahahahaha. He's got two words for ya. Chris: "Please help." Triple H: "Please give." Oh man, so close, so predictable.
Hunger! Obesity! What? My head is spinning. Don't let Paula touch your kids!!! Gang activity is dangerous for children, apparently. Thanks, Randy. Why do I feel bad seeing disadvantaged youth having temporary access to comfortable rides in a luxury vehicle?
"Desperate Housewives" is so hot right now. Yeah. Uh. Teri Hatcher singing. WTF. I feel like political comedian Nicholas Fehn: "Noooo! Just ... noooo! What—WHO ASKED?!" Look, she's backed up by shitty character actors and "reality" "stars" singing and playing instruments! When Teri Hatcher dwarfs your star power, you need to rethink your career. I have a vendetta against the guy playing drums that goes back to "Felicity."
Carrie Underwood: "That was a lot of fun!" You know what's not fun? The reason we're doing this show!
Who is this screaming lady? Am I supposed to know who that is? It's a sad state of affairs when I recognize Simon Fuller but not you. Chris invokes the rule that if we don't recognize someone, they're from "So You Think You Can Dance." He's very wise.
I don't care about either Billy Crystal or Miley Cyrus. Are her teeth fake? I'm glad I have never really had occasion to pay attention to her, other than to see she has a really, really bad case of MySpace Face. Let's stop the madness, people.
Wow, this generation gap is something else, isn't it?
It so inspires hilarity to ensue! In my day, we had MoonPies, not actual PIES made out of the MOON and flying cars and MP3s on the Interweb! I can't take the dichotomy! I do love that Billy Crystal says "Monsters Incorporated," however, and apparently not as a joke. I'd pledge money to put a stop to this segment. Make a pledge tonight, save a life tomorrow. I mean tonight. Or tomorrow, when I believe this show may finally be over.
Did you know that singing on American Idol is the one thing Miley Cyrus hasn't had a chance to do yet? The one thing in the whole world? Apparently, because she just said it. Did you know one dollar can save a life? It must be true, because she just said it!!!
Chris now regrets not watching sooner to have a chance to call in and talk to Chikezie. DAVID H. SIGHTING!!!! I bet his pledge calls are sexy.
I'm like "Is that Simon Pegg?!" but it's Bono. Wow. I need to get some sleep. He and David C. should have a pompous-off. For charity!
RYAN GOSLING ALERT!!!!!!!!!!! If only on a commercial. Oh well.
Speaking of the incomprehensible expanse of human tragedy, let's welcome Fergie with John Legend!
(It is an unfortunate reflection on our society when Fergie can out-sing everyone left on this show, incidentally.)
Heart! Please God don't let Fergie come out and do "Barracuda" with them. Please Lordamighty have mercy. I had to sit through that crap waiting for the fireworks display at the State Fair. Funny how that's inevitably my conduit to Today's Popular Music year in and year out. Oh no, there she is. Oh no, just ... oh no. Does she even know the lyrics to this song? Ann Wilson has no time for her clowning. Crawling on the floor? Gymnastics? Oh come ON now. Is she back on the meth? Is Michael enabling her?
Oh thank you for saving me, John Cena. You gladden my heart with your very pre-taped presence.
Let's visit our Idol pledge call takers! I swear I want a giant poster of Jason on the phone. He's straight out of a LiveLinks ad.
Tremendous. I live. Speaking of which: Eli and Peyton Manning, you are the real heroes.
Now let's all take a walk down memory lane with Hurricane Katrina and Coldplay. What a tremendous time that was! So many memories. Let's share them with one another! I too want to have a group therapy session with the Manning brothers, I swear to God. It looks like the most fantastic experience ever. Hahahaha, oh no, Peyton Manning saying "One, two, three, teamwork" means something else entirely to so many. Something MAGICAL.
I seriously don't think this show is capable of topping the one-two punch of LiveLinks Jason and Los Bros Manning. I should just end here.
Chris is disappointed the chyron is covering up Posh's rack. Annie Lennox is lovely. Celine Dion is ... something else. Take that however you wish. I love the affected way she says "affected."
The Simon Cowell Roast hosted by Jimmy Kimmel? No. Tight shirts, nipples, haircut, the Grinch, unbuttoned shirts, check. What better way to introduce this video package to show how concerned Simon is for the plight of the disadvantaged than by saying he's an asshole?! This show is on CRACK. Sweet caring Simon is forever a wonder to behold, though.
Let's go back to that Carrie Underwood well, people! It's all we got! She's turning into Jenny McCarthy. It's disturbing. This is a good way to burn through 15 minutes of show. Oh wait, this isn't 15 minutes long? Really?
Sheila E.! Chris is once again interested in this show! Please, no more wacky dancers. Retarded cheesiness is too high a price to pay for cross-promotion.
Please let's not welcome Sarah Silverman. ELLIOTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It was so fast Chris had to point and rewind as I was too busy ignoring the TV. It's like there's some kind of conspiracy against me.
The British Prime Minister looks like Dan Rather.
Reese Witherspoon, whatever. ELLIOTT!!!!!!!!!!!! Once again, they show him when I'm ignoring the TV. This is truly an evil plot, how dare they.
Now let's enjoy eight people who do not sound at all good singing with one another, performing that piece of crap from Rent that everyone is sick of!
How do you measure the degree to which I am irritated? Seriously, are my ears broken or is this horrible? Hahaha, Jason SMOKED that solo! I need to find enjoyment where I can, I'm sorry.
They've put every unfunny comedian on the planet on this show, right?
More Miley Cyrus and wacky dancers? Really? Someone did this song at karaoke the other night and it was hilarious. And frightening. Wow, is she ever spastic. Please, you are 15, I don't need to see you rub your crotch on the camera. "And I'm ready to rape"? Don't tell me I'm the only one who heard her sing that. She has the most snotty-ass way of speaking that seriously makes me want to smack her in the face. Oh boy, let's go to Kentucky with Cyrus pere et fille! I'm done with this. FFWD.
I didn't think there was anything more horrifically unfunny than Robin Williams in this day and age, but Robin Williams as Yakov Smirnoff would appear to be it.
In the immortal words of Fresh: Would you smash?
Brad Pitt comes out on stage in order to introduce a pretaped segment of Daughtry lip-syncing in Uganda. My head just exploded.
It looked like DWI. It WASN'T! The driver tells us her frightening story. All this and Weather First TONIGHT on the Fox 9 News at 9!
When you say it's Idol's best season yet, I don't believe you! We have irrefutable proof. Now let's welcome Mariah Carey to this opportunity to promote her new album!
And then the DVR is done, so if there was a magical cameo from Danny Noriega (as Getty Images leads me to believe) I totally missed it.
So, let's recap. The high point of this show:
Oh wait, that didn't actually happen, as this show was hell-bent on DEPRIVING me of Elliott and his emotional emotions about emotional things. But this happened:
I approve! And the hiiiiigh point of this show?
Relive the magic and cherish it forever. THIS is American Idol!
Thank goodness the chair of the Ford Motor Company is here to hold our hands on this inspirational night of inspiration. Paula's boobs have been inspired to pop out of the top of her sparkly dress. THIS is American Idol!
There is no more inspirational band than Aerosmith, and could any of us be more inspired by anything other than a song that's about payin' your dues an' gettin' all old? Oh I think not. If you've got an issue with those lines in your face, maybe you gotta stop smoking that meth! I'm just saying. Maybe tomorrow the Good Lord WILL take you away. Chris: "He's not from this country." Jeem on! Jeem until your cheems come true! This is really lame. Shrieky! Chris: "The awesome power of the vest outweighs the awesome power of the ascot." Randy says this tells us who he really are. This is about living in America and dreams coming true, Michael says, to which Randy says "ehhhh, wrong," hahahaha. Paula says he sounds as good as he looks and that his singing would beckon her chihuahuas. I would be offended! Simon invokes "impersonation of a rock star" and "wannabe-ish" which I at first thought was "wallaby-ish." He's not from this country! Shut up about dreams coming true already! Just shut up!
Ugh! I forgot she's still on this show. She says Ramiele was the only one who really "got" her. I don't know if it's wise to admit that on live TV in front of a judgmental public. This is a clear strategic play for the Pinoy vote. I mean YOU RULE! YOU ARE THE BEST! YES, THE TIME IS NOW TO GIVE BACK IN YOUR OWN WAY, WHICH IS BY PERFORMING A SONG BY A FORMER IDOL CHAMPION, WHICH IS TO SAY FANTASIA! This was the Idol-winner song from Season 3, right? Yes, I believe it was. Wow, it's like she's begging to be kicked off. How she's lasted this long using that tactic, I have no idea. It must be because she is the BEST EVER. Eew, shrieky! She's going for Paula's chihuahuas with that high note. She says Fantasia is her Idol. I feel like it's time for "Really?" with Seth and Amy. Randy is like, whatever. Paula is clearly high. Simon is like, whatever. Syesha is taking chattiness tips from Brooke. I want to throw up everywhere.
IZ! IZ! IZ! That dude was fat. Jason sounds surprisingly coherent in his intro video. OMG, breaking out the ukulele. Chris is impressed. His tiny-stool skinny-pants posture looks a little preposterous. Chris grows less impressed with this as it goes on. He just can't compare to IZ!, not enough ahhhhhhhhhs or something. I wonder if the judges will rag on him for that. Randy is like dude, Jason Castro is back in the hunt, that was blazing molten hot! Paula babbles about nothing and says the same words about five times. Simon loved it! Well, how sweet, aww.
Kristy got a big cross on her T-shirt! Chris believes she should have an American flag on there someplace too. I don't know if Jesus would approve of that ... sparkly ... thing she's wearing. There are some big spots in boobular places that would suggest they are something else entirely. Chris is glued to the TV. Oh yeah, she's singing that one Martina McBride song about prayin' an' dreamin' an' shit. I told you about that one time we were at the State Fair waiting for the fireworks display when Martina McBride was on the Grandstand and she was, like, really good? This is not horrible and she looks really cute and not so robotic, aww. Randy loved it! Paula says she outdid herself. Simon says very very good indeed. There is feedback coming off her sequins. Aww, she looks so happy!
His favorite band is Our Lady Peace. I think that says it all. My new name for him is Smugly. He says this song has a clear message about something. WTF is this?! Is that an impression of a Muppet? Did the Swedish Chef wake up with a bad hangover? Oh right, there's a lyric in there about cancer, did you hear the one about his brother having cancer? I mean, look, I know, I know, and I'm sorry, but it's that kind of thing that may make people think you are a little calculating and a little bit of an asshole. Just saying. That jacket is butt ugly. I mean EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS IS FANTASTIC. Oh yes, now let's do the Chris Martin/Eddie Vedder writing stuff on yourself for the TV camera thing, you douche. I mean MY HERO. Randy's like, whatever. Paula's like "total package" and "it" or something. Simon says "pompous" and hates the jacket, because I am living inside his head. Putting the "ass" in "class," this one.
Is she wearing a bathing suit? Mom jeans! "The Show Must Go On," as apparently Freddie Mercury is her Jesus, so is he to all of us. Boing boing boing boing. Oh honey, this was a bad idea. Is she going to say she's sick this week? That's the only excuse for missing all the AHHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHH-unh stuff. I'm waiting for her to begin coughing. Randy's like, whatever. Paula says her voice is totally pretty perfect, but she does not feel engaged. Rrowr, bitchy! Simon says she over-sang and came off as angry, because he is an incisive genius. Carly is not a good diplomat.
I am not looking forward to IDOL GIVES BACK and just want to fast-forward to all the Elliott parts, that is, if any Elliott parts exist. I'm too tired and cranky, which should make things incredibly entertaining. I actually wrote "entertainting"! Well then, that I would look forward to.
David A. is a vision in beige. I can't wait to find out what crappy piece of shit he's foisting on us tonight. He's a magnet for schmalz. I mean, he already did that horrifying "You're the Voice" and OMG, bite my tongue, it's "Angels." Well holy shit. I wonder if someone forced him to do this instead of, like, "I Could Sing of Your Love Forever" or "Life Is a Highway" or something. Prop piano! Ha. Hahaha. Hahahahahaha. It's quite amusing to see documented proof that this show's Jesus Child would not be capable of out-singing Robbie Williams. Oh, this is just sad. You know what contributes to the total success of this song? Being outrageously hot. I give this shit the finger. Randy's like, hottest moment this season, the dude that I love, runs, amazing, whatever. Paula is like, what he said. Simon is like, great song, not so great performance, because he knows nothing can compare to that RAW ROBBIE WILLIAMS POWER. I mean really.
Wet and cool spring! ¡La Niña! TONIGHT on the Fox 9 News at 10!
"You've Got a Friend," well that's a little more inspirational than "Dream On," isn't it? Prop pianist! Clearly this song choice is a reaction to that Bottom 3 disappointment last week. Was that your darkest night, Brooke? Somehow I feel it was, since you are just a shiny source of light and wonderment and quavery vibrato and nonsensical chatter. This is about what you would expect, which is appropriate and blonde and blue-eyed. Thank you, Tori Amos! Tears! Emotion! Randy ain't mad at 'er. Paula heard that song when she grew up! "You're very definitive, and I love you." Wow. I can't imagine what kind of conversations Paula and Brooke would have with each other off camera, I really can't. Simon: "Nice."
Chris points out that Paula had "vein action" in her boobs all night. What an inspirational night of inspiration!
Hahahaha, that David C. replay is just ELECTRIC, isn't it?
Oh no, tiny lady! Sad pouting! It is to cry!The ultimate indignity: Paula calls her "Krissy."I can't even believe she is demanding Simon to apologize to her. No amount of sexy winking will make that tolerable!Oh no, tiny lady!!!!!!! Our people gave up on you! Soooo much crying. You never lived up to your potential, and for that I, too, weep. And she still sings! What a pro.Five! Five dollar! Five dollar footlongs! THIS is American Idol!
That April Fools joke at the top of the show is tremendously lame. Ryan, you're on my list tonight. I'm in no mood.
I'm terribly sorry I misidentified Recording Artist Romeo as Charles Grigsby last week. I wouldn't have known this without having watched "Idol Extra" on Fox Reality. (Chris made me watch it. No really. Haley's been eating well!) I think I just really wanted a reason to bring Charles Grigsby back into my life. Also, last time I saw Romeo he was like two feet tall, WTF.
Dolly Parton is a pop culture icon of sparkles and smiles! "Jolene" reminds me of Grumpy's the other night and there were two people monopolizing the jukebox who I swear were deliberately trying to ruin my life. I think Dolly has been replaced by an android. Android Dolly.
Brooke gets out the Katharine McPhee Memorial "Black Horse and the Cherry Tree" Prop Musicians for "Jolene." She's sitting down! What a shock. She's a little too chipper for this song. Jaunty! It has a jaunty gait! Totally inappropriate! This is not a smile at the crowd kind of song! Randy's like, whatever, I'm not paying attention. Paula says you have an emotional connection and that is what record companies and executives want because you are who you are, Brooke White, excellent and wonderful. Simon accuses her of "busking." She needs to stop chatting through the judging. I'm beginning to think she has some kind of affliction where she just can't shut up when others are talking. I do that sometimes. I hate her pants. I got nothing else.
This dude looks like a retarded groundhog. It must be really great to be in love with yourself like that. Seriously, this guy has gone completely diabolical. I mean diabolically BRILLIANT! WHAT A GENIUS! Oh yes, let's play catchup with you admitting you're a ripoff artist in the guise of explaining how you "get" your "inspiration" "online"! Douche. Douché. "Little Sparrow." This "original arrangement" leads me to believe he's been listening to a lot of Little River Band! Has he too found that "inspiration" "online"? Randy's like, whatever, I'm not paying attention. Paula says it was great to hear him going into his "fals" with his strength! Simon has something against songs about birds.
Dolly and Ramiele are the cutest couple ever. Dolly says she's got a spunk! "Do I Ever Cross Your Mind?", aww, sassy. Oh man when she goes off-key she goes way off-key but I don't care. Bouncy sassy Pinoy cuteness! Not good enough but I rep my people! Randy ain't mad at'er! Paula is proud of her and her great minute and 30 seconds! Simon is a sour poop! Boo!
Aww, Jason has a stalker! Ryan reads from a stack of postcards from Jason's stalker, and thereby justifies the stalker's existence. This can only lead to bad things. Look out JC! Jason has selected "Travelin' Through." This is the Transamerica song, right? Innnnteresting. Dolly feels he went a little bit outside himself. I think he sounds like he always does! Although I feel he may be trying to actually understand the lyrics he's singing tonight. He turned into Dave Matthews right in front of my eyes for a second. Harrowing! Randy and Paula like it! Simon takes a big dump on it. I see they're going out of their way to limit Jason's camera/speaking time this week. Innnnteresting.
"Here You Come Again," SWITCHED UP DOWNTEMPO, with prop guitarist. I'm having trouble understanding her outfit. She totally sounded like somebody else at a couple of points but I can't place it and I'm too lazy to go back and figure it out. Can you tell me who it is? OMG, FRENTE. It was totally Frente. FRENTE!!! Or that chick from The Sundays. Which is totally not like what this one actually sounds like, which is totally why it was bugging me because it just sounded so WRONG. Randy loves it! Paula loves it and it is glorious with that voice of hers, oh my God! Simon hates on her outfit because we are evil twins.
Are you ready for David Archuleta? I don't think you are! He's harboring some Smoky Mountain Memories. The song gives him CHILLS! Dolly was apparently moved to near tears by his performance, but since she is an android it is not possible for her to cry. The air is filled with gold dust! Fortune falls like snowflakes! ZESTY. I'm imagining sparkly things frittering all about him. I'm just gonna go out on a limb here, but I don't think he's really wondering how the old folks are back home. Oh this was tremendous in its drama and Raw Emotion™, or at least as much as this one can muster anyway. I need to start liking him so I can doom him to oblivion. TOP AMERICAN DESIGNER MICHAEL KORS LOVES IT! Everyone else loves it too! He acts like he doesn't believe it! I'm tired!!! I am longing for the sweet caress of the Fox 9 News at 9 promos. Where are they?!
"Coat of Many Colors," oh Kristy Lee, you are on a roll. She gets the Dolly seal of approval! I think it is because they are both androids. Is her eye makeup ever glittery, oh my. THIS IS GREAT. I mean not really, but you know. I have low expectations about everything. Randy likes it! Paula likes it! Simon hates it! Kristy Lee gets snippy in response. I dunno if that is a good idea after singin' 'bout bein' poor an' grateful for the li'l things and wearin' your love like heaven and all that. I still think she and Ryan should get married. I give this a MILLION stars! (Not really.)
"I Will Always Love You," oh gosh, we couldn't see this coming a mile away, oh not at all. Perched on a prop piano with a prop piano player. Check. Snore. Hahaha, she can't keep up with the camera changes. Yep, just keep looking longingly off to the left! Oh WAIT! OVER HERE! Somebody went really insane with the glitter eyeshadow tonight, for real. Oh please, don't make this an "exercise in restraint" in deference to the raw power of W. Houston and then HOLD A NOTE WAY PAST ITS WELCOME. Randy's like, whatever, I'm not paying attention because I'm still irritated by that shitty LONG NOTE OF LONGNESS FOR THE SAKE OF LONGNESS. Paula says your velvety voice, that's your, that's it for you! That's it for you indeed. Simon basically puts into words what I am thinking, because we got it like that. Restraint, good! Bombastic attempt to out-Whitney Whitney in a not-Whitney (but not really) way, bad!
Dolly could tell that he is Ginuwinely a fan! The fact that this one loves Dolly so much makes my mind go in fantastic directions. Prop musicians and bright white lights galore. Nice cravat there, chief. It's all wrong, but it's all right! How fitting! This actually isn't all that bad. He was clearly going for Honky Chateau Elton in parts. I'm sorry, Elton. I don't mean that as an insult. Is this the best of the night? Where the hell am I?! What have you done with my soul?!
Hahahaha, they replay Syesha's AND IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII moment of pain in the recap. Let that be all you remember from tonight! Poor Dolly deserves better. I'd wager she was home crying but robots have no time for tears. Nor do I, nor do I.
Time to play catch-up! I can't stop eating corn flakes! THIS is American Idol!
OK OK OK FLASHBACK TO LAST NIGHT
Why yes, it is indeed Songs From the Year You Were Born night. I decided that I'm 10 days shy of 1970 so they'd have to give me Crabby Appleton's "Go Back." It's a necessity.
Things I loved about Tuesday's show:
- Ryan's mad dramatic entrance
- Paula's "showgirl in a woodchipper" outfit
- That bizarre self-tanner accident on Simon's chest
- Ramiele describing her "straight afro" as "bomb"
- Ramiele's awesome parents
- Ramiele's unidentified "best friend," DANNY!
- Chikezie's awesome parents: "And there would be LAUGHING!"
- The sign reading "SEACREST IS SEXY!" I agree.
It depresses me to attach Heart's "Alone" to the birth year of a grown-ass person, even a tiny one. There are good parts and there are bad parts. She's too cute for this song and the Camp Beverly Hills look is not appropriate! It wasn't my thing, dog. Paula gives her a good amount of credit and brave to do what she did.
Happy bakeday, Jason! He's been told he's an Aries. No shit! His teeth are whiter than white. Sting's "Fragile," ooh. Chris: "I hope he does it in Portuguese!" How much mascara does he have on? Nice white shoes. Chris is singing along in Portuguese. HOLY SHIT! Jason proceeds to bust it out in Portuguese. Chris: "Oh my God! I can't hate on him anymore!" I have low expectations, therefore I enjoy this. Simon compares it to "busking outside a subway station," which again proves we are the same person. I swear if there was a New New Monkees, he'd be Peter.
This one claims to be born in 1987. This woman is lying. Show me ID! Ugh, don't do that crying baby thing again. I don't even know this song. Stephanie Mills? I still don't know it. Oh look, she's ACTING. I'm bored. Next!
Chikezie says the song selection was crazy! He wants to hold you tight, if only for one night. He's bringing the Raw Emotion™. Work the crowd! I want this to go on for the rest of the show, honestly. I have low expectations, therefore I enjoy this tremendously. I think Randy's on the rag. Chris is OUTRAGED by the criticism. "Chikezie's his own man! How DARE they!"
Aww, Brooke's family is so cute. Haha, nerd. Nice Debbie Gibson pose. Nice false start. This week she's trying to look like Naomi Watts, who, like Michael, is Australian. Did you know Michael's Australian? The straight hair makes her look about 40. I hate "Every Breath You Take," I really do. I have low expectations, therefore I don't think this is terrible. Everyone's like, whatever. She makes a really weird face when she's getting criticism, like pursing her lips and sticking her lower jaw out. Weird. Ryan gives her a brave choice award for the false start. I got nothing else.
What Minneapolis is doing to make sure all pets are registered—TONIGHT on the Fox 9 News at 10! Wait, I guess that's last night. Whatever.
Michael was born in Australia? You don't say! Nice Lakers hat. Nice Cabbage Patch Kid. "We Will Rock You/We Are the Champions," yeah, good luck with that. So was that 20 seconds of "We Will Rock You"? The director is more interested in RICKEY MINOR AND THE BAND! making ARM GESTURES! I wonder if he has another dead friend whose favorite song this is. BRIGHT LIGHTS create the illusion of EXCITEMENT. If he's going to keep raising his arms like that, he needs to wear longer shirts. There are parts of this that are OK, and then there are the parts that remind you this dude is a loser. Everyone loves it! Whatever!
"Total Eclipse of the Heart," hey, it's karaoke night! That outfit is not flattering, yet I want it desperately. Every now and then she falls apoeahrart! Living like a powerkeg? Oh no, shouting. Oh no, screaming. Oh no. Ryan says "lots of pot-stirring" and I'm surprised Jason didn't run out and tackle him. I got nothing else.
He was born the year I started WRITING MY THESIS. Is his father sitting on top of his mother in that interview? I mean, Jesus, dude, respect the woman's personal space. "You're the Voice," kissing up to David Foster, I see. ZESTIFY! This so half-hearted. He has no conviction whatsoever. I mean friggin' Jason was more committed than he is. Simon's criticism of this is simply fantastic from start to finish. Really, I need a transcription of it, it was beautiful.
Kristy's mom is Lainie Kazan! "God Bless the USA," YES!!! She's gotta take this one sitting down, and so do I. She looks like she has a moustache. Your children and your luh-wife! This would be a hell of a sign-off song, I gotta say. American flag video screen=AWESOME! I have low expectations, and therefore I think this is spectacular. Chris fires up the 5.1 and rewinds it so we can experience this to the fullest. The judges damn her with faint praise! Simon calls the song choice "clever," because he knows the score.
A well-known Minnesota bridge has problems that are eerily similar to the 35W bridge! Spring-like weather! And why some pets are paying the price for something! LAST NIGHT on the Fox 9 News at 9!
The knowledge I still had to suffer through this one made me clutch my face in agony. No, wait, I mean SCREAM IN DESPERATE ANTICIPATION. I'm relieved that we do not share a birthday. I heard "December twenty—" and I got a little nervous. Wow, his head has been completely grotesque his entire life. So is he doing the Ian Brown "Billie Jean" cover? Because that is awesome. This, however, is not. Snore. Wait, I mean THIS IS THE GREATEST THING TO HAPPEN TO MUSIC, EVER. Wow, put something in 6/8 time and everyone freaks the F out. Chris: "He's no Shinehead!" Let the ass-kissing commence! Chris: "What, does he have cancer?"
The show ends with me saying "ass" and rubbing my face in pain. Take that for exactly what it sounds like!
OK OK OK FLASH FORWARD TO THE PRESENT
What up, Jason? THIS is American Idol!
Kimberley Locke is here, and I do not care. Ryan reminds me I need to work on my American Idol song. Wait, I already wrote it! Wow, Jordin Sparks' album has been certified gold! Yeesh. Just think, contestants, someday that may be you!
Up With People is, tonight, dedicated to "Right Back Where We Started From," because the year you were born is, like getting back where you started and stuff. I take time to explain this to my husband. This entire performance is extraordinarily cheeseball! David C. and Michael do some RADICAL MOVES because they are EXTREME. Brooke's electric blue pants are tremendous. Chris: "I can't get over 'em!"
Let's take a special look inside the studio as the contestants record their full-length songs which can be purchased at the iTunes Music Store, just go to the iTunes Music store and download them and buy them, these tracks by your American Idol contestants!
Let's take a tender look at last night, which for me was earlier tonight. Chris on Syesha: "We can lose her and I would totally be thrilled." He astutely remarks that "Billie Jean" sounds just like "Where the Wild Roses Grow" and I'm like HOLY SHIT IT DOES. Thank God I didn't have to spend 24 hours trying to figure that out. Apparently it is based on a Chris Cornell cover. I believe I must have missed that one.
Ford Music Video alert! These contestants want you to want them. That sentiment reeks of desperation. This one was simply not high concept enough. I want more film sets and UFOs and old-timey outfits.
CONSTANTINE! GINA! CHARLES GRIGSBY! YES, I REMEMBER CHARLES GRIGSBY!
I'd love to know what Kimberley Locke's definition of "outside of Manhattan" is. She neglects to mention how the married dude from "Celebrity Fit Club" knocked her up. She is pregnant, yes? Or did I imagine that? Anyway, snore. Pay close attention, contestants! This may someday be you!
A chemical leak forces the evacuation of a Minnesota school—we're live at the scene. After a spring thaw, is more winter weather on the way? And a 5-year-old girl saves the day—the 911 call that got her mother the help she needed! TONIGHT on the Fox 9 News at 9!
So who ARE the bottom three on THIS is American Idol?
Chris is devastated.
Whatev.
I just keep jinxin' 'em and jinxin' 'em, don't I?
Jason is safe! American Idol is RACIST! Who goes home?
Shit ain't right, man.
Repeat after me: Syesha and David C. are MY FAVORITES AND MY PICKS TO WIN IT ALL! THEY GON' SMASH IT WEEK AFTER WEEK AND I WILL BUY ALL THEIR PLATINUM ALBUMS, SINGLES AND LONG-FORM MUSIC VIDEOS!
Man, F this show.
Haha oops! I kind of felt like crap yesterday and fell asleep and didn't wake up until this morning. On the couch, trust me, it was uncomfortable and I feel GUILTY. (No I don't.) So I haven't watched anything and I'll figure something out tonight or something.
"We gave them the songs of the Beatles," says Ryan. And they gave 'em back like someone returning a dress to the Gap after wearing it on a date with the tags on. Kellie Pickler! Why am I not excited? THIS is American Idol?
Mentors! Dolly! Mariah! Gross Andrew Lloyd Webber! The one and only Neil Diamond! "This Is My Now," or as I like to call it, "This Is My No"!
Up With People brings us more Beatles songs, because we are not sick of them. I enjoy the irony of watching David C. and Jason sing "While My Guitar Gently Weeps." Not Lennon/McCartney! Notice they're not saying "Lennon/McCartney" as much as they were last week, like that makes any difference. Chikezie's turn on this one makes me wish he actually sang it last night, dang. Someone turned Ramiele's mic off! I want Syesha out of my life forever. The presence of Kristy makes the cameraperson have a conniption. Why does Amanda NOT get a solo on "Here There and Everywhere?" I don't understand! That song is SO HER!!! Oh boy, someone is really excited about using this rotating camera thingie! I'm dizzy! Make it stop! OK good it's over.
I'm happy they replay the Kristy upskirt alert for Chris' benefit: "Yipes!" I didn't notice how terrifying the cut of David A.'s jacket was last night. His stage parents scare the shit out of me, incidentally. Um, I got nothing else. Chris reminds me that "Here Comes the Sun" is a George song, which I completely forgot, likely because I was so mortified. OMG.
OMG behind the scenes of the Ford Music Video!!! It's a dream come true. Actually, I don't particularly like the magic and surprise being spoiled like this, so I take it all back. Ramiele still appreciates hair and makeup! OK, I take it back again as the surprise is entirely invested in the song choice: "Should I Stay or Should I Go." Wow. WOW. This, too, is just like KidSongs.
OK, let's cut people. Chop-chop!
From tears to laughter! She is delirious! What have we learned? Shut the F up about your failed career, as it reminds people you are a failure. Is that so difficult to understand?
What a shock! I'm surprised she didn't just walk right out into the bottom three section, honestly.
It's working. IT'S WORKING.
In a delicious turn of events, Simon and Paula proceed to get sassy with each other. Rrowr! How do you "download on" an iPod? I'm just curious. Michael seriously is on that meth. Watch him laugh like a nutcase after answering that question and try to convince me otherwise. Creepy!
You haven't lived until you've ridden home from the State Fair with a busful of sorority girls just let out of a Kellie Pickler concert. That is sarcasm. This poor lady has undergone a Jenna Jameson makeover, and I don't mean her boobs. Her face!!! Look at her face!!! WTF happened?! She has aged like 20 years since season 5. Someone never taught her that you don't clap your hands while holding a live mic! Well, maybe someone tried at some point. A valiant effort, I'm sure. Kellie and Simon get sassy with each other! How adorable, I mean creepy. She's less of an embarrassment than she was last year, I guess. I'm so generous.
OMG
OMG
OMG
OMG
OMG OMG OMGOMGOMGOMGOMG scruffy bearded Elliott helping the underprivileged in Africa. Oh and Fantasia too but OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMG Elliott!!!!! Those malnourished kids are taller than he is. Aww, he's still an emotional young man. Aww! Ohh. Ohh! I still miss his old teeth, call me crazy. OK, if I get to see more of Elliott's dramatic caregiving sojourn into the hearts and minds of us all during "Idol Gives Back," sign me up. BRING IT.
Chris notes that they're seating Harry, the Guy With the Snake on His Face tattoo-side away from the camera. Carly is safe! She's blubbering! Who goes home?!
This just proves that if we all band together and think positively, we can move mountains and make magic happen. Why yes, Amanda, it HAS been a fun ride. Poncho power!
Tears are few and far between—actually, I think it's just Carly snivelling over herself some more. I have to admit that the dirty look Amanda shot RICKEY MINOR AND THE BAND! on that mess of a play-out made me believe, if ever so briefly, I may miss her a little bit. See, this show DOES make people insane.
OMGOMGOMGOMG Part 2, continued proof that Chris is awesome is that he taped me one of the truly great achievements in modern cinema, which is to say The Legend of Billie Jean, off Showtime HD so I can have it forever in DIGITAL CLARITY and its PROPER ASPECT RATIO. This is not on DVD!!! That is insane!!! I have to go now. FAIR IS FAIR!
I think I had an even WORSE day today than I had the last time I had a bad day going into this. Did that make sense? Probably not. I can't even get motivated to fire up the DVR. I'm busy taking advantage of the SPECIAL SAVINGS! on the Martha Stewart fake Le Creuset from Macy's, or sorry, Macy*s. How excited am I? I'm so excited. Not about this show, though. Oh no, my only joy comes from the purchase of discount enameled cast iron cookery. Do I have time to burn through this and still "catch Craig"? Probably not. Oh well. THIS is American Idol!
"Two full hours," ugh. Shut up. We're back with the Beatles! Ryan is BLACK with the Beatles. (By which I mean he's wearing all black. Shh. I'm tired.) What could I possibly follow up "Hey Bulldog" with? "I'm Looking Through You," or perhaps "Run for Your Life," GARY LEWIS STYLE. Say word. Don't shake your fist at me, David C.! OK, I admit it, I'm slowly being won over by Jason's total stoner retardation syndrome. Chikezie's shoes are shiny! Ramiele made a bad hat decision. Paula's shirt is shiny! Seriously, I think I'm a little in love with Paula's shirt. It's like completely glitter- and jewel-encrusted. Hypnotized by her own sparkle, Paula utters the word "gumption." OH we have a sexy wink from Simon to Ryan. It's what I live for. Sad, really. As you can tell, everyone is talking for 20 minutes about nothing. Ryan is trying to place the Beatles in context for our audience. Can we get this over with?
"Back in the USSR" has "a blues element" to it. OK. Oh wow. I hope Ryan will helpfully place "the USSR" in context for our audience. Oh no, help, help me if you can, it just started. What's happening? Where am I? I think I just lost my mind. This has given me Alzheimer's. You know how sometimes when you're sitting in the back seat of a car that's going kinda fast, and the windows are down a little bit up front, and there's that horrible WHAP WHAP WHAP of air pressure that makes you think you've temporarily gone deaf and/or insane? Yes, that's it exactly. "Bally-like-ahs," well then. So all I have to do is get a couple DUIs, lie about my age (I can pass for 23 before this one any day, for real) and go up there and scream off-key about nothing in a purposely ruinous and hurtful manner and it'll be just super-dee-duper? Got it. Randy had "a couple issues." Paula says "when you connect, you are quintessential, authentic who you are." I love you, Paula, don't ever change. Also, you are hearing things. Scary things. Simon is bored. Bored! I love you, Simon, don't ever change. I'm sorry, I mean THIS IS THE BEST AI PERFORMER EVER! SHE GETS MY VOTE! OH I HOPE I HAVEN'T JINXED HER NOW, I REALLY DON'T!
Kristy has photo album props and a very shiny outfit that's made out of, like, a stripper's shower curtain. Oh look, it's a picture of her with a dog and mountains. Look, there's a picture of her and a horse. Remember her and the damn horse? I think she's sublimating her boobs tonight. I don't know if that's a good idea. "You've Got to Hide Your Love Away." She says she picked it because of the title. THE TITLE. SHE DOES NOT ACTUALLY KNOW THIS SONG. I just died a little inside. This is like some off-key fake Dusty in Memphis by way of Debbie Gibson bullshit. She is such a robot, she frightens me. Upskirt alert! Nice cowboy boots. Everyone is like eh. Randy says "Go dere! Go dere!" I'm not lying. Simon calls her "wallpaper" and says she only makes an impact when she's terrible. Yes, and Amanda is somehow being rewarded for that. Kristy vows to "blow you out of your socks," oh my, scandalous. I bet she means it!!!
Let's revisit the time when this one forgot the lyrics. I'm sorry, the only cover of "The Long and Winding Road" worth anything is and will always be by Zumpano. Many times he's been alone, and many times he's cried. I can only imagine that to be completely true. ZESTIFY! SELL IT! Oh my God, something in my brain just snapped and I can't stop laughing!!! Oh my God. Oh my God. He's just so SERIOUS and squinty and creepy and SERIOUS that it has sucked every last bit of sense out of me. Someone could pull my wisdom teeth right now and I wouldn't even notice. This has made me just that loony. Randy says he's brought the hotness back to his game tonight, yeah yeah! Paula says exciting and warm and purity, identifiable, rising above adversity and building character something something. Oh shit, I somehow thought Simon would say the words "master class" and then he TOTALLY DID! This performance has made me psychic.
Wait, no, psychotic, that's what I was going for. At the very least, delusional.
Let's meet your Fox 9 Weather First team! These dudes all give me the creeps! Ryan tries to sell me an iPhone. I'm sorry, as long as that phone is on Cingular Is the New AT&T that thing is dead to me.
This one tries to remind us that he sang "Bohemian Rhapsody" and it was "absolute magic" or some shit. OK, I may be taking that out of context, but you know that's what he means. OH F YOU, he just said he's doing "A Day in the Life." Good luck with THAT. He says he "took all the best parts," because he knows better than God and all of us. Yes, this song has so many shitty down moments, that's what it's known for. You douche. I'm sure this will be a hot mess, or a hot tranny mess as the kids today say. Hahahaha, nice