J-WILL HAIR WATCH 3002: ON THE MOVE
I planned an entire New Year's countdown post around this hair, it being one of the many reasons I had cause to celebrate, but then I couldn't think of any other reasons to celebrate. (Haha! KIDDING!)
But I dare you to look at this picture and deny the hot:
Maybe it's not much of a dare, but dang. I feel the logical next step would be a Ryan Gosling beard. Pray with me.
Oh my God. OH MY GOD.
WHITE
CHOCOLATE
HAS
A
RING
OH
HELL
YEAH
Holy moly. Do you believe it? I don't believe it. Yet I believe it. I totally believe it.
I take a great deal of credit for this victory. Let me clue you in to MY SECRETS. There are but only two.
1) No editions of J-WILL HAIR WATCH 3000 all season long. This means something.
2) I made an amazing discovery during the second quarter of Game 6. This is some serious "In Search Of" shit, so DUDE. LISTEN.
As my poor suffering Christopher is my witness, during every Dallas possession I would sing "Do I Make You Proud?" by Taylor Hicks (YES. YES, I DID.) and the Mavericks would miss the shot. Every time. EVERY TIME. Except, like, maybe twice. Like, almost the rest of the entire game. Seriously. I'm serious! Ask Chris. He got really tired of it really fast. But he was THERE. He was a witness! Or should I say a NOWITNESS.
There were times when I would space out and not do it, and then they'd make a shot and get the points. But then I'd be "on it" the next possession and they'd miss. Always. Seriously.
This didn't work for fast-break or second-chance baskets or foul shots, for those keeping score at home, but honestly, it totally did the trick. I don't even know how I started doing it; I think that Ford commercial was on and then I just started singing it to be annoying and BAM. It worked. Like a voodoo charm. I'm a SORCERER.
This is totally exactly what it was like:
MAVERICKS: ::dribbling ball::
ME (Obnoxious): DO I MAKE YOU PROOOOOOOOOOOOUD
MAVERICKS: ::brick:: and/or ::airball::
I'm not kidding. I have POWERS. Apparently. And I don't even know the song!!! All I know is DO I MAKE YOU PROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUD. I guess that's all I need, because MAGIC happened.
Holy moly. Holy holy moly.
Oh! It's the best time of year. Did you think it was that my anniversary is tomorrow? Oh! But it's NBA MEDIA DAY time.
Pictures slowly started creeping online today. It felt like Christmas morning.
First up: J-Will brings the HEAT. Oh my.
Thank goodness he's got Shaq around to keep him from doing this nonsense again.
I have the most superb picture of J-Will from his big signing meet the press day. I swear I meant to share all of this with you sooner, because he said some fantastic things at the press conference.
No Kings yet, though. I anxiously await to see how Brad Miller will work his bleary-eyed, hungover, ill-advised-facially-haired magic for the 2K5.
"I can only imagine ... and my imagination is amazing!"
Oh my God!
Here it is ... again ... and it's called ... 1-2-
J-WILL HAIR WATCH 3000
You simply can't go wrong with the classics.
Where on earth (or elsewhere) this new move come from, though.
This doesn't just give me The Rage, this gives me The Rage: Carrie 2.
ESPN.com - NBA - Kings ready to end Webber era with 76ers deal:
The Sacramento Kings have completed a deal that will send Chris Webber to the Philadelphia 76ers, two league sources told ESPN Insider Chad Ford.
The Sixers would send Kenny Thomas, Corliss Williamson and Brian Skinner to the Kings in exchange for Webber, Matt Barnes and Michael Bradley.
I don't understand how, if Peja and Webber are having a problem, you get rid of the one who's actually producing, even if he only has one leg. And Matt Barnes?! You've gotta be kidding me?! He's practically awesome. I don't even know what reasoning they could give that could make me feel good about that.
Are there gonna be riots? I imagine there are gonna be riots.
Well, at least now C-Webb will be closer to J-O-D. Hahahahaha. Ohhh nonononono. :'(
For Good Times
and Great Oldies
... Oh Man This Sucks
OMG breaking news and an emergency installment of
J-WILL HAIR WATCH 3000
Our long national nightmare is over. Even though he now looks like a refugee from Hoosiers, it's a remarkable improvement. And while he didn't give a phenomenal performance or anything, the Grizzlies did manage to beat the division-leading Spurs tonight. COINCIDENCE?! I think not.
It's all because I was warming up to the hydro hair back here, obviously.
What was uglier, the Pacers/Pistons Brawl 4 All
or the Mavs uniforms designed by P. Diddy?
Oh ho ho I kid. OR DO I?! Anyway, never in my life have I seen such blatant disrespect for beverages and snack foods of all kinds. Poor Ron Artest. You could tell he was trying so, so hard to stay out of trouble, just like Gamera. And now I have infinite respect for Jermaine O'Neal after he completely flew out of nowhere and duh-ropped that guy who got onto the floor. Also entertaining was the studio commentary, where the prevailing attitude was that the fans were asking to get pounded on extra-hard ("Real men don't attack from behind! What a shameful display!") until they remembered to think of The Children, which meant, of course, that the fans deserved to get pounded on for behaving like chickeny girls in front of The Children. And you know, that's logic I can agree with.
BILL WALTON: 'I AM DEVASTATED'
Now there's nothing but "back ... and to the left" coverage on SportsCenter. Jeez, I reminisce about an NBA skirmish of old and look what happens.
All this got me so hopped up that I could barely concentrate on the big Kings/Grizzlies matchup I was PUMPED and GEEKED for. The game was fairly predictable in that the Kings blew a 16-point lead to a phenomenal degree, but then the Grizzlies inevitably collapsed deep into the fourth quarter to give the Kings a two-point win. So everyone was in their element, pretty much.
Brad had an uneventful night. Webber did the job for both of them. J-Will, he had a pretty good night. Oh wait, that means it's time to catch up with an ARCO Arena-sized edition of
J-WILL HAIR WATCH 3000
Honestly? I thought it looked good tonight. It's starting to look natural to me. Now where's my drink?
Oh yes, my children. Kings are 3-4, two in a row over 1) creepy lizard man Steve Nash and the Suns and 2) the Nuggets (or the Nuggs, as they are known in this house for inexplicable reasons). It all turns around NOW!
Last night saw the triumphant return of Smiley Laugh-y Brad, and it was breathtaking. Although I do so enjoy About to Beat Somebody's Ass Brad. He has so much going for him. Oh! Also NBA-TV got around to finally showing his version of the League Pass commercial, where he's unconsciously rocking back and forth in his chair while he talks just like I do when I'm feeling especially autistic. I'll have to get that out of the DVR and into my computer one of these days. If they ever get around to showing it AGAIN, that is.
Also, how did the Grizzlies manage to blow a 21-point lead in the fourth quarter against the Sonics? Let's find out with the help of
J-WILL HAIR WATCH 3000
The bangs. My God, look at the bangs.
The Kings are now 1-4. I hate it. The Sonics game was brutal. I'd go as far as to say it was F-ing brutal. We kept watching it in the distant hope that Brad Miller would finally snap and beat the crap out of somebody, because there were plenty of people who were asking for it, but alas, it was not meant to be. It almost would have made up for the loss. Almost. It was fun hearing his cursey swears go over the air on ESPN, though.
But their spirit will never be broken. Excuse me while I go weep in the corner for a bit. I should look for good things to say, though. The game Tuesday night was really awesome! There, I said it.
Hey, guess who led his team to their first win of the season, over the Lakers of all people? Six assists, 17 points, that's right baby, it's time for
J-WILL HAIR WATCH 3000
Rrawrrr! Ooh! Feelin' it! While the overall effect was much greener on the TV, it's clear that his head is looking more and more like our dish-scrubbing brush with each passing day. Not even remotely sexsational. D-
The Kings are off to a blazing 0-2 start after closing out the preseason with a delightful 2-6 record, their worst showing since 1994. I miss Vlade. It kills me. I watched the game tonight and it was like, Let's just give the Spurs 50 second-chance points! Yay! I then tuned in to Lakers/Jazz on the off chance that Vlade was there (nope, he's still injured) and goodness, people sure don't like that Kobe fellow.
I also caught a bit of Wizards/Grizzlies, which gave me an idea for an important new feature ...
J-WILL HAIR WATCH 3000!
Hmm yes, it still terrifies. Michael Ruffin is actually holding a mirror there, see, which explains the look of horror. So that's what it looks like when I don't touch up my roots, he thinks. I must rectify this immediately.
In the meantime, give it up for my creepy hair. What what!
I need some work so's I can buy League Pass. They're giving me that free taste this week and I don't think I can live without it.
