Time to play catch-up! I can't stop eating corn flakes! THIS is American Idol!
OK OK OK FLASHBACK TO LAST NIGHT
Why yes, it is indeed Songs From the Year You Were Born night. I decided that I'm 10 days shy of 1970 so they'd have to give me Crabby Appleton's "Go Back." It's a necessity.
Things I loved about Tuesday's show:
- Ryan's mad dramatic entrance
- Paula's "showgirl in a woodchipper" outfit
- That bizarre self-tanner accident on Simon's chest
- Ramiele describing her "straight afro" as "bomb"
- Ramiele's awesome parents
- Ramiele's unidentified "best friend," DANNY!
- Chikezie's awesome parents: "And there would be LAUGHING!"
- The sign reading "SEACREST IS SEXY!" I agree.
It depresses me to attach Heart's "Alone" to the birth year of a grown-ass person, even a tiny one. There are good parts and there are bad parts. She's too cute for this song and the Camp Beverly Hills look is not appropriate! It wasn't my thing, dog. Paula gives her a good amount of credit and brave to do what she did.
Happy bakeday, Jason! He's been told he's an Aries. No shit! His teeth are whiter than white. Sting's "Fragile," ooh. Chris: "I hope he does it in Portuguese!" How much mascara does he have on? Nice white shoes. Chris is singing along in Portuguese. HOLY SHIT! Jason proceeds to bust it out in Portuguese. Chris: "Oh my God! I can't hate on him anymore!" I have low expectations, therefore I enjoy this. Simon compares it to "busking outside a subway station," which again proves we are the same person. I swear if there was a New New Monkees, he'd be Peter.
This one claims to be born in 1987. This woman is lying. Show me ID! Ugh, don't do that crying baby thing again. I don't even know this song. Stephanie Mills? I still don't know it. Oh look, she's ACTING. I'm bored. Next!
Chikezie says the song selection was crazy! He wants to hold you tight, if only for one night. He's bringing the Raw Emotion™. Work the crowd! I want this to go on for the rest of the show, honestly. I have low expectations, therefore I enjoy this tremendously. I think Randy's on the rag. Chris is OUTRAGED by the criticism. "Chikezie's his own man! How DARE they!"
Aww, Brooke's family is so cute. Haha, nerd. Nice Debbie Gibson pose. Nice false start. This week she's trying to look like Naomi Watts, who, like Michael, is Australian. Did you know Michael's Australian? The straight hair makes her look about 40. I hate "Every Breath You Take," I really do. I have low expectations, therefore I don't think this is terrible. Everyone's like, whatever. She makes a really weird face when she's getting criticism, like pursing her lips and sticking her lower jaw out. Weird. Ryan gives her a brave choice award for the false start. I got nothing else.
What Minneapolis is doing to make sure all pets are registered—TONIGHT on the Fox 9 News at 10! Wait, I guess that's last night. Whatever.
Michael was born in Australia? You don't say! Nice Lakers hat. Nice Cabbage Patch Kid. "We Will Rock You/We Are the Champions," yeah, good luck with that. So was that 20 seconds of "We Will Rock You"? The director is more interested in RICKEY MINOR AND THE BAND! making ARM GESTURES! I wonder if he has another dead friend whose favorite song this is. BRIGHT LIGHTS create the illusion of EXCITEMENT. If he's going to keep raising his arms like that, he needs to wear longer shirts. There are parts of this that are OK, and then there are the parts that remind you this dude is a loser. Everyone loves it! Whatever!
"Total Eclipse of the Heart," hey, it's karaoke night! That outfit is not flattering, yet I want it desperately. Every now and then she falls apoeahrart! Living like a powerkeg? Oh no, shouting. Oh no, screaming. Oh no. Ryan says "lots of pot-stirring" and I'm surprised Jason didn't run out and tackle him. I got nothing else.
He was born the year I started WRITING MY THESIS. Is his father sitting on top of his mother in that interview? I mean, Jesus, dude, respect the woman's personal space. "You're the Voice," kissing up to David Foster, I see. ZESTIFY! This so half-hearted. He has no conviction whatsoever. I mean friggin' Jason was more committed than he is. Simon's criticism of this is simply fantastic from start to finish. Really, I need a transcription of it, it was beautiful.
Kristy's mom is Lainie Kazan! "God Bless the USA," YES!!! She's gotta take this one sitting down, and so do I. She looks like she has a moustache. Your children and your luh-wife! This would be a hell of a sign-off song, I gotta say. American flag video screen=AWESOME! I have low expectations, and therefore I think this is spectacular. Chris fires up the 5.1 and rewinds it so we can experience this to the fullest. The judges damn her with faint praise! Simon calls the song choice "clever," because he knows the score.
A well-known Minnesota bridge has problems that are eerily similar to the 35W bridge! Spring-like weather! And why some pets are paying the price for something! LAST NIGHT on the Fox 9 News at 9!
The knowledge I still had to suffer through this one made me clutch my face in agony. No, wait, I mean SCREAM IN DESPERATE ANTICIPATION. I'm relieved that we do not share a birthday. I heard "December twenty—" and I got a little nervous. Wow, his head has been completely grotesque his entire life. So is he doing the Ian Brown "Billie Jean" cover? Because that is awesome. This, however, is not. Snore. Wait, I mean THIS IS THE GREATEST THING TO HAPPEN TO MUSIC, EVER. Wow, put something in 6/8 time and everyone freaks the F out. Chris: "He's no Shinehead!" Let the ass-kissing commence! Chris: "What, does he have cancer?"
The show ends with me saying "ass" and rubbing my face in pain. Take that for exactly what it sounds like!
OK OK OK FLASH FORWARD TO THE PRESENT
What up, Jason? THIS is American Idol!
Kimberley Locke is here, and I do not care. Ryan reminds me I need to work on my American Idol song. Wait, I already wrote it! Wow, Jordin Sparks' album has been certified gold! Yeesh. Just think, contestants, someday that may be you!
Up With People is, tonight, dedicated to "Right Back Where We Started From," because the year you were born is, like getting back where you started and stuff. I take time to explain this to my husband. This entire performance is extraordinarily cheeseball! David C. and Michael do some RADICAL MOVES because they are EXTREME. Brooke's electric blue pants are tremendous. Chris: "I can't get over 'em!"
Let's take a special look inside the studio as the contestants record their full-length songs which can be purchased at the iTunes Music Store, just go to the iTunes Music store and download them and buy them, these tracks by your American Idol contestants!
Let's take a tender look at last night, which for me was earlier tonight. Chris on Syesha: "We can lose her and I would totally be thrilled." He astutely remarks that "Billie Jean" sounds just like "Where the Wild Roses Grow" and I'm like HOLY SHIT IT DOES. Thank God I didn't have to spend 24 hours trying to figure that out. Apparently it is based on a Chris Cornell cover. I believe I must have missed that one.
Ford Music Video alert! These contestants want you to want them. That sentiment reeks of desperation. This one was simply not high concept enough. I want more film sets and UFOs and old-timey outfits.
CONSTANTINE! GINA! CHARLES GRIGSBY! YES, I REMEMBER CHARLES GRIGSBY!
I'd love to know what Kimberley Locke's definition of "outside of Manhattan" is. She neglects to mention how the married dude from "Celebrity Fit Club" knocked her up. She is pregnant, yes? Or did I imagine that? Anyway, snore. Pay close attention, contestants! This may someday be you!
A chemical leak forces the evacuation of a Minnesota school—we're live at the scene. After a spring thaw, is more winter weather on the way? And a 5-year-old girl saves the day—the 911 call that got her mother the help she needed! TONIGHT on the Fox 9 News at 9!
So who ARE the bottom three on THIS is American Idol?
Chris is devastated.
Whatev.
I just keep jinxin' 'em and jinxin' 'em, don't I?
Jason is safe! American Idol is RACIST! Who goes home?
Shit ain't right, man.
Repeat after me: Syesha and David C. are MY FAVORITES AND MY PICKS TO WIN IT ALL! THEY GON' SMASH IT WEEK AFTER WEEK AND I WILL BUY ALL THEIR PLATINUM ALBUMS, SINGLES AND LONG-FORM MUSIC VIDEOS!
Man, F this show.
Haha oops! I kind of felt like crap yesterday and fell asleep and didn't wake up until this morning. On the couch, trust me, it was uncomfortable and I feel GUILTY. (No I don't.) So I haven't watched anything and I'll figure something out tonight or something.
"We gave them the songs of the Beatles," says Ryan. And they gave 'em back like someone returning a dress to the Gap after wearing it on a date with the tags on. Kellie Pickler! Why am I not excited? THIS is American Idol?
Mentors! Dolly! Mariah! Gross Andrew Lloyd Webber! The one and only Neil Diamond! "This Is My Now," or as I like to call it, "This Is My No"!
Up With People brings us more Beatles songs, because we are not sick of them. I enjoy the irony of watching David C. and Jason sing "While My Guitar Gently Weeps." Not Lennon/McCartney! Notice they're not saying "Lennon/McCartney" as much as they were last week, like that makes any difference. Chikezie's turn on this one makes me wish he actually sang it last night, dang. Someone turned Ramiele's mic off! I want Syesha out of my life forever. The presence of Kristy makes the cameraperson have a conniption. Why does Amanda NOT get a solo on "Here There and Everywhere?" I don't understand! That song is SO HER!!! Oh boy, someone is really excited about using this rotating camera thingie! I'm dizzy! Make it stop! OK good it's over.
I'm happy they replay the Kristy upskirt alert for Chris' benefit: "Yipes!" I didn't notice how terrifying the cut of David A.'s jacket was last night. His stage parents scare the shit out of me, incidentally. Um, I got nothing else. Chris reminds me that "Here Comes the Sun" is a George song, which I completely forgot, likely because I was so mortified. OMG.
OMG behind the scenes of the Ford Music Video!!! It's a dream come true. Actually, I don't particularly like the magic and surprise being spoiled like this, so I take it all back. Ramiele still appreciates hair and makeup! OK, I take it back again as the surprise is entirely invested in the song choice: "Should I Stay or Should I Go." Wow. WOW. This, too, is just like KidSongs.
OK, let's cut people. Chop-chop!
From tears to laughter! She is delirious! What have we learned? Shut the F up about your failed career, as it reminds people you are a failure. Is that so difficult to understand?
What a shock! I'm surprised she didn't just walk right out into the bottom three section, honestly.
It's working. IT'S WORKING.
In a delicious turn of events, Simon and Paula proceed to get sassy with each other. Rrowr! How do you "download on" an iPod? I'm just curious. Michael seriously is on that meth. Watch him laugh like a nutcase after answering that question and try to convince me otherwise. Creepy!
You haven't lived until you've ridden home from the State Fair with a busful of sorority girls just let out of a Kellie Pickler concert. That is sarcasm. This poor lady has undergone a Jenna Jameson makeover, and I don't mean her boobs. Her face!!! Look at her face!!! WTF happened?! She has aged like 20 years since season 5. Someone never taught her that you don't clap your hands while holding a live mic! Well, maybe someone tried at some point. A valiant effort, I'm sure. Kellie and Simon get sassy with each other! How adorable, I mean creepy. She's less of an embarrassment than she was last year, I guess. I'm so generous.
OMG
OMG
OMG
OMG
OMG OMG OMGOMGOMGOMGOMG scruffy bearded Elliott helping the underprivileged in Africa. Oh and Fantasia too but OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMG Elliott!!!!! Those malnourished kids are taller than he is. Aww, he's still an emotional young man. Aww! Ohh. Ohh! I still miss his old teeth, call me crazy. OK, if I get to see more of Elliott's dramatic caregiving sojourn into the hearts and minds of us all during "Idol Gives Back," sign me up. BRING IT.
Chris notes that they're seating Harry, the Guy With the Snake on His Face tattoo-side away from the camera. Carly is safe! She's blubbering! Who goes home?!
This just proves that if we all band together and think positively, we can move mountains and make magic happen. Why yes, Amanda, it HAS been a fun ride. Poncho power!
Tears are few and far between—actually, I think it's just Carly snivelling over herself some more. I have to admit that the dirty look Amanda shot RICKEY MINOR AND THE BAND! on that mess of a play-out made me believe, if ever so briefly, I may miss her a little bit. See, this show DOES make people insane.
OMGOMGOMGOMG Part 2, continued proof that Chris is awesome is that he taped me one of the truly great achievements in modern cinema, which is to say The Legend of Billie Jean, off Showtime HD so I can have it forever in DIGITAL CLARITY and its PROPER ASPECT RATIO. This is not on DVD!!! That is insane!!! I have to go now. FAIR IS FAIR!
I think I had an even WORSE day today than I had the last time I had a bad day going into this. Did that make sense? Probably not. I can't even get motivated to fire up the DVR. I'm busy taking advantage of the SPECIAL SAVINGS! on the Martha Stewart fake Le Creuset from Macy's, or sorry, Macy*s. How excited am I? I'm so excited. Not about this show, though. Oh no, my only joy comes from the purchase of discount enameled cast iron cookery. Do I have time to burn through this and still "catch Craig"? Probably not. Oh well. THIS is American Idol!
"Two full hours," ugh. Shut up. We're back with the Beatles! Ryan is BLACK with the Beatles. (By which I mean he's wearing all black. Shh. I'm tired.) What could I possibly follow up "Hey Bulldog" with? "I'm Looking Through You," or perhaps "Run for Your Life," GARY LEWIS STYLE. Say word. Don't shake your fist at me, David C.! OK, I admit it, I'm slowly being won over by Jason's total stoner retardation syndrome. Chikezie's shoes are shiny! Ramiele made a bad hat decision. Paula's shirt is shiny! Seriously, I think I'm a little in love with Paula's shirt. It's like completely glitter- and jewel-encrusted. Hypnotized by her own sparkle, Paula utters the word "gumption." OH we have a sexy wink from Simon to Ryan. It's what I live for. Sad, really. As you can tell, everyone is talking for 20 minutes about nothing. Ryan is trying to place the Beatles in context for our audience. Can we get this over with?
"Back in the USSR" has "a blues element" to it. OK. Oh wow. I hope Ryan will helpfully place "the USSR" in context for our audience. Oh no, help, help me if you can, it just started. What's happening? Where am I? I think I just lost my mind. This has given me Alzheimer's. You know how sometimes when you're sitting in the back seat of a car that's going kinda fast, and the windows are down a little bit up front, and there's that horrible WHAP WHAP WHAP of air pressure that makes you think you've temporarily gone deaf and/or insane? Yes, that's it exactly. "Bally-like-ahs," well then. So all I have to do is get a couple DUIs, lie about my age (I can pass for 23 before this one any day, for real) and go up there and scream off-key about nothing in a purposely ruinous and hurtful manner and it'll be just super-dee-duper? Got it. Randy had "a couple issues." Paula says "when you connect, you are quintessential, authentic who you are." I love you, Paula, don't ever change. Also, you are hearing things. Scary things. Simon is bored. Bored! I love you, Simon, don't ever change. I'm sorry, I mean THIS IS THE BEST AI PERFORMER EVER! SHE GETS MY VOTE! OH I HOPE I HAVEN'T JINXED HER NOW, I REALLY DON'T!
Kristy has photo album props and a very shiny outfit that's made out of, like, a stripper's shower curtain. Oh look, it's a picture of her with a dog and mountains. Look, there's a picture of her and a horse. Remember her and the damn horse? I think she's sublimating her boobs tonight. I don't know if that's a good idea. "You've Got to Hide Your Love Away." She says she picked it because of the title. THE TITLE. SHE DOES NOT ACTUALLY KNOW THIS SONG. I just died a little inside. This is like some off-key fake Dusty in Memphis by way of Debbie Gibson bullshit. She is such a robot, she frightens me. Upskirt alert! Nice cowboy boots. Everyone is like eh. Randy says "Go dere! Go dere!" I'm not lying. Simon calls her "wallpaper" and says she only makes an impact when she's terrible. Yes, and Amanda is somehow being rewarded for that. Kristy vows to "blow you out of your socks," oh my, scandalous. I bet she means it!!!
Let's revisit the time when this one forgot the lyrics. I'm sorry, the only cover of "The Long and Winding Road" worth anything is and will always be by Zumpano. Many times he's been alone, and many times he's cried. I can only imagine that to be completely true. ZESTIFY! SELL IT! Oh my God, something in my brain just snapped and I can't stop laughing!!! Oh my God. Oh my God. He's just so SERIOUS and squinty and creepy and SERIOUS that it has sucked every last bit of sense out of me. Someone could pull my wisdom teeth right now and I wouldn't even notice. This has made me just that loony. Randy says he's brought the hotness back to his game tonight, yeah yeah! Paula says exciting and warm and purity, identifiable, rising above adversity and building character something something. Oh shit, I somehow thought Simon would say the words "master class" and then he TOTALLY DID! This performance has made me psychic.
Wait, no, psychotic, that's what I was going for. At the very least, delusional.
Let's meet your Fox 9 Weather First team! These dudes all give me the creeps! Ryan tries to sell me an iPhone. I'm sorry, as long as that phone is on Cingular Is the New AT&T that thing is dead to me.
This one tries to remind us that he sang "Bohemian Rhapsody" and it was "absolute magic" or some shit. OK, I may be taking that out of context, but you know that's what he means. OH F YOU, he just said he's doing "A Day in the Life." Good luck with THAT. He says he "took all the best parts," because he knows better than God and all of us. Yes, this song has so many shitty down moments, that's what it's known for. You douche. I'm sure this will be a hot mess, or a hot tranny mess as the kids today say. Hahahaha, nice "House of LAAAAARHHHHRDcoffcoffS" there. AHHHH. AHHHH. AHHHH, AHHHH. AHHHH. Sorry, I was joining in. Did he somehow get this song mixed up with "Tuesday Afternoon" somewhere along the way? I think he did! Shaking your head to affect vibrato is not attractive, just a thought. Randy wants him to sing and let his big ol' voice do its thing, dog. Paula admits she was stalking him during dress rehearsal and he was better then. A likely story! Simon says "mess" because we are somehow the same person. "You have to start sorting yourself out," he declares. Must be the meth! Oh boy, so he reaches into the bag of tricks to bring up a dead friend and that was his favorite song and everyone's like WOOOOOO!!!! Oh Jesus. This show.
Chris: "How's she going to sit down this week?" She says "Nova Scotia" and "Halifax" in a blatant attempt to make me love her. Her dress is a little adorable, or maybe a horror. I haven't decided yet. "Here Comes the Sun," doo-doo-doo-doo. Oh, she IS sitting! Chris is a genius. This is kind of sharp and sung out of the back of her throat and really kind of ... awful. She's a nice lady! AHH! SHE'S STANDING! Oh my Lord, there was a "whoo." I am literally wincing. I can't even see what's going on anymore, for I cannot stop wincing. Chris can't stop laughing at the spinning around and other "performance elements" that lead one to believe she is better off sitting after all. Randy: "awkward" and "not hot". Paula can't help but smile! She showed a different color! Uh, hmm. Simon: "terrible." Oh no, and now she can't stop talking. Please stop talking. Stop trying to explain yourself. Stop insisting you understand and agree with and deserve the criticism and you can handle it because you know, you know, you understand and you know, you really do. I need to go beat my head on something, please excuse me, you know, you know, you understand, you know, you really do.
That rock concert feel makes him euphoric! Or something. At least he's admitting he's attempting to rip off a Whitesnake interpretation of "Day Tripper." Suck it Chris Daughtry! Remember: This guy is THE BEST and LIKE AMANDA, HE IS MY PICK TO WIN IT ALL. He's taking that Ryan Adams look to a whole new level of ugly awesomeness! "Day Stripper," eh? Apparently! Nice leather pants, dude. Nice gut. His head reminds me of the raw slab of corned beef in our fridge. Oh no, oh no oh no oh no, he's doing the Peter Frampton thing. I know it has a name but I'm sorry, I can't be bothered to look it up. I just spent about 20 seconds with my hands over my face. Oh no, wait, I'm sorry, HE'S MY PICK TO WIN IT ALL, DAVID C. AND AMANDA FIRST DUAL AI BOY-GIRL CHAMPIONS EVER. He caps it off by throwing his pick into the crowd. I just threw up a little. I mean WOW THAT WAS AWESOME. Randy loves it! Paula loves it! He brags about how he just learned the Peter Frampton thing yesterday. Hahaha, Simon goes for "smug" and piles on as much additional bitchiness as he can, because he is an outstanding voice of reason in an increasingly baffling world. Wait, I mean BOOOO.
Ryan informs us that these Beatles songs are special and stand the test of time. Why does Randy keep referring to "copyrights"? Is that some new hip slang the kids are using on the streets?
"Blackbird," well then. Nice soccer mom at the wine tasting outfit, there. Seriously, she is turning into Ann Wilson before our eyes. Looking at her, I am reminded of Amy Poehler as Nancy Grace saying, "Yes, I am wearing upper and lower lashes." Hey, there's an unnecessary key change! Let's try to make this into something it's not! Isn't the thing about this song that it's understated and quiet and not screamy and bombastic? Simon is like, ugh, and she's all like, "oh it's a metaphor for being beaten down by the industry" and now she can't stop talking and Simon is like "oh whatever" and I'm busy trying to find a picture of John Candy as Harry, the Guy With the Snake on His Face after seeing her husband again. Did Randy say something about a bird eating cream cheese? Why are they letting contestants run they mouths off so damn much? Ugh, I've had it. HAD IT.
Whoa, dude. Whoooa. Just like, whoooa. Dude. "Michelle," oh my. He's all like, dude, it's like, in French. And off we go! Oh my. Strolling! This guy is so far into Davy Jones goofy mugging territory, I don't even know what to do with myself. Randy is like, dude, whatever. Paula makes reference to his "distinct charm" and also says it sounded like a polka. I think she's going to join him in smoking a little of that Distinct Charm after the show! (I was going to make a "polka" joke but simply could not bring myself to do it.) Simon loves that he is "very charming" and "not obnoxious" and has "a goofiness that made it work." You know, this is true. I'm totally giving up, I'm totally buying it, I just want to see this dude get progressively more wacked out with every passing week. Oops, I mean, Boo! I hate this performer! Enough already! Boo!
Imagine closing on your home and finding out the paperwork was never sent in! What happens when the mortgage broker pockets YOUR money?! Also: Fog! And so much for hibernating: A bear makes a surprise appearance in the North Metro—and it's all caught on tape! TONIGHT on the Fox 9 News at 9!
She has learned the key to success is getting out your boobs. Chris: "Your boobs can't help you now!" Them's some old lady boobs. Man, she's not getting over being in the bottom three, is she? She insists that she may have looked down, but she wasn't. A likely story. Yes, your cheerfulness was so apparent. "Yesterday," well good luck with that. Nice split ends. Ahh, also going the "sitting down" and "prop acoustic guitarist" route, I see. "I'm not half the girl I used to be." That's 'cause you old! It must be nice to really love yourself that much. Oh boy, SCREAMING. I take it back, I mean this is truly the BEST PERFORMANCE IN IDOL HISTORY and I HOPE SHE WINS IT ALL, AMERICA, ALONG WITH DAVID C. AND AMANDA. Randy likes it! Paula says "vulnerability" and "beautiful instrument!" Simon says "best performance so far" which means nothing!
"Do you need anything?"
"A boomerang."
Oh Beyoncé, I don't have any time to waste either. Our lives are so parallel, it's frightening.
Chikezie, take us on a memorable journey into your most memorable moments on your journey. I hope he can manage to follow up his crazy rock hillbilly black man performance last week. "I've Just Seen a Face," aww. But oh, oh oh no, an earnest ballad performance of "I've Just Seen a Face." I just fell asleep and hit my head and went unconscious. Oh gosh, that brought on a psychotic episode, harmonica, speed it up, hoedown, this feels somehow familiar. He's just sheen a face! Randy: good parts and bad parts! Paula says the ballad side of him is so pure and on pitch and gives a whole different side of who he is by showing us his depth and his scope! Hmm, Simon somehow liked the ballad part, which confounds me. Chris left the room for this whole thing. It's like he somehow knew it was coming. Ugh, and bah.
Take us home, tiny lady! Aww, she calls Brooke "Mama Brooke." "I Should Have Known Better," oh gosh, I think she should have known better about that hat. Oh my Lord, no. Corny. Corny corn corn. Bounce around J-pop style! This is sooooo corny, I can't even say anything else but "corny." She's taken away my capacity for speech. Aww, she's so cute though, even in that ghastly outfit and ugh that hat. Pinoy power of cuteness! Chris: "Shake 'em!" Randy says she showed confidence (I disagree)! Paula says there is something about her voice! Simon calls it amateurish and mediocre!
I think it's safe to say I hated everything except the Fox 9 News at 9 promo. Oh sweet Jesus, my head just involuntarily started shaking during the recap of "Day Tripper." I need to take some antipsychotics now. Get your comments in before the spammers do! I love them! Comments, not spammers! Bye!
Who's more toe up and busted looking: Amanda or Dominique from Top Model? This is the question haunting me tonight. And THIS is American Idol!
Ryan asks us, what have we done? Hmm, 29 million votes isn't much to crow about, is it? That woman next to Jim Carrey looks REALLY happy to be there. Hey, there's a show happening!
Up With People celebrates the Beatles-type music of Lennon/McCartney. Did you get the feeling Michael was just randomly horning on people's action for half of this? And sweating, eew girl, eew. Is he on meth? Meth is death my friend. David H. is positively SEXOHOLIC with his hot moves. Chris can't get over Chikezie and Ramiele holding hands. Amanda is giving me an aneurysm.
We are looking down the barrel of an elimination! Ryan, that's insensitive in these violent times of gunplay in our nation's schools and Lane Bryant stores.
OMG the return of the Ford Music Video!!!!! How I've missed you, Ford Music Video. It continues in the fine "the hell?!" tradition of song choice with Cake's "The Distance." In blatant defiance of Paula, this song does not have a lot of melody. It's perfect for Amanda! Hmm, you'd think with the luxury of editing they could manage to make everyone look like they have rhythm, but nooooo. I can't wait to see what they give us next week! CAN'T WAIT!!!
Everyone is serious as a heart attack when they begin cutting people. Except Jason! That dude is sooo hiiigh. Sorry, I had to go back there. Apparently they're making each of the bottom three people sing. I'm trying to figure out what the logic is for doing that, other than to make the show unbearably long. Is there a vast cross-section of Our Nation who only watch the elimination show, so they're trying to provide context by which this audience may be converted to watching the performance show next time? No, probably just making this show unbearably long. OK.
Who are those folks about whom Paula uttered tonight's title?
Hahahaha, ohhhhh, Syesha is PISSED. She is not excited and she sure can't hide it when they make her sing again knowing she's in the gutter! And she calls herself an actress? Oh honey, good luck. Also she won't stop singing after the song is over. Ugh. Next!
Meanwhile, Kristy is all giggly and amused and whatever about the whole thing. Jason was probably helping her "prepare" before the show, wink wink. Chris calls this "country drum-n-bass" which is basically what Jane said. Great minds. Next!
Like Jessica Alba, all I really want in life is for my foundation to match my skin. Is that too much to ask for? (NARS Fiji for me!)
Oh David, David David David. You did it to yourself, you did, and that's what really hurts.
Oh, and then all this other stuff happens, right? Michael reveals that he was watching AI last year and dreaming he may someday be "that guy." What, a loser? You are well on your way, pal. Chris claims Amanda has her priorities straight for being excited about meeting Kevin Cronin instead of seeing Horton Hears a Who and I'm inclined to agree. Chikezie and Ryan engage in a little man love. OMG DANNY IS SITTING WITH RAMIELE'S FAMILY, wearing one of their hot homemade T-shirts, oh bless. He's so subtle, AI can't even properly acknowledge his presence other than a chyron reading "best friend," aww. Danny is your brother, your best friend forever!
Before we find out who's going home, we must first stab ourselves in the face:
It's encouraging to know that Katharine McPhee has gotten no less tiresome over the last two years. Is her creepy crying dad in the audience? C'mon, I miss that guy! (No I don't.) Instead, no less a bright talented star of impressive magnitude for the children of today than David Foster takes on the role of creepy old dude in her life tonight. Eew. She does "Something" so George can be on the receiving end of equal time abuse. They should bring back Ruben to do "Octopus' Garden," that'd be hot.
Imagine losing everything you own in a matter of seconds! One desperate family's plea for help, plus YOUR WEATHER FIRST—TONIGHT on the Fox 9 News at 9!
Hey, it's the end of the show! Sadly, my curse is already in full force (but not, however, Full Force):
Oh David, David David David. I weep for you, but you are strong in your defeat. I guess AI just ain't ready for gay/gay-friendly dudes who are conventionally gay-hot and/or fabulous. It just scares people! Sanjaya doesn't count, so don't even try. Oh David, David David David, I enjoyed your sexoholism while it lasted, and I salute you.
One David down, two to go! P.S. F-you, Idol, for that shameful production snafu during the goodbye video. F-you in the face. Boo! (and -hoo!)
New credits! New set! Same old crap! I am mesmerized by Ryan's watch. Seriously, look at that thing. THIS is American Idol!
The new credits are more purple than ever! The American Idol Pride Hierarchy is freshly re-established: white chicks in the middle, then black chicks, then dudes waaay off to the side. Got it. The new set has lots of rainbow lights and ... circular ... things. All over. RICKEY MINOR AND THE BAND! are now way up out of the way on a platform, so we can't be distracted by their technical proficiency or how much more they're into the music than the contestants are. I hope this adds up to lots of bad missed cues and songs falling to pieces 'cause no one can see one another. Also, there is now a "mosh pit" in front of the stage. Yes, Ryan calls it that. "Mosh pit." Oh Ryan, you're so sweet to try to make me laugh, but no. Our Top 12 stumble out onto the stage through doors and blinding light like all the alien abductees at the end of Close Encounters. What a fascinating analogy they've made for me. Thank you, set designers!
This week, we waste no time in butchering the newly rights-negotiated Lennon/McCartney catalog! What would be my Lennon/McCartney AI song? "Hey Bulldog," you know it. (Muttonchops! Dang, George sure was hot, wasn't he? Good Lord.) Paula helpfully informs us "these songs are full of melody." I see David C. is going for the "Ryan Adams rolled out of a ditch" look. I hope someone will do "Why Don't We Do It in the Road?" tonight—David H., I'm looking at you. Or rather David C., since he looks like he rolled out of a ditch anyway. I miss Danny! So does my mom, who agrees with me that his sassiness gave us our only reason to live this season. Tear.
Two hours. I'm watching this live, incidentally. The things I do to myself. Let's get it started!
Syesha was always active in everything, she tells us. Great. Her look tonight is very Debbie Allen. Like brokedown Debbie Allen. "Got to Get You Into My Life," hey, this isn't Earth Wind & Fire night! Better not tell HER that! Ugh. I do not care. Her skin still looks hideous on HD, by the way. She gets excited that Simon likes it, and proceeds to look about 53. So when she was talking about "listening to the oldies station," I guess that means they were playing those Edison wax cylinders? I got nothing else. Vote no!
Chikezie is zesting up his look tonight with a fly gray/green argyle vest and green wristband. He's celebrating St. Patrick's Day early! (I'm giving up on calling him Chikezie!, I just don't have the energy.) He has made his peace with the Danny situation, he informs us. I clearly have not. He's putting his own funk on "She's a Woman"! This involves a banjo, fiddle, tambourine and bizarre CAMPFIRE EFFECTS on the video screens. Yeehaw. Uh. What? What just happened? Where am I? OK, for American Idol, this is F-ing ... awesome? I mean he's letting it get away from him in parts and his hoedown moves are kinda embarrassing, but shit, man. I can't believe Chris is missing this. Oh, Chikezie, you've won me back! Ryan is a little overly excited about this. I'm a little overly frightened by that. He's baptizing himself in Chikezie sweat. Zest twins power activate!
Ramiele works at "a sushi place" which makes her smell like soy sauce. Pinoy power! "In My Life," oh yawn. The message of this song is about how you never forget the people you're close to, or something. Ohh, she's pouring some out for her peeps who are no longer with us on this show, aww. I hope she doesn't start crying! This is cute and schmalzy. Just like she is! She is doomed to have to follow crazy rock hillbilly black man Chikezie, how sad. Randy says "it just laid there" and "didn't move any earth". I think that's sexual harassment! Everyone hates it and was bored, and she makes a pouty face. Aww! Her family is yukking it up at the harsh criticism. Look out, that's the Filipino way! We just don't give a shit! Don't cross us, man, we'll cut you!
I just dragged Chris down to see Chikezie: "Hey, this isn't Nigerian music."
If you're going to American Idol, be sure to wear some flowers in your hair. That's what this dude does! I still say he looks like a chick. He says the Beatles did things with music that were revolutionary, or something, which is why he chooses to perform "If I Fell." Of course! Acoustic guitar, sitting down, check. I think I'll take a nap now. Is a train coming? Do I need to drop a quarter in a guitar case somewhere? Jeez, this dude has taken over the Rex Smith mantle from Garrett. Hey, remember Garrett? Those were good times. Dreads are the new shoulder-length perm! He's making weird faces. Why is it an unbearable exertion for him to make it look like he's not trying? I think it got Paula all hot, because she says it's special and unique and she feels his heart, which is a special connection that makes him truly unique. Simon calls it "student in a bedroom at midnight." I guess that's why Paula likes it! Ryan too! Simon and Ryan get sassy with each other, which validates everything I've suffered through up to this point.
Skinny Lauren Ambrose troubles me with her skinniness.
Carly and Amanda are roommates! That sounds like a dream come true. Carly says she has to have potatoes. Happy St. Patrick's Day y'all! "Come Together," well then. Hmm. Maybe it's the set or the lighting or the drugs I'm on, but this is all pretty good and she at least makes me not sit around and wonder what's so great about her. OK, OK, fine, I give. She needs to stop smiling like that, though, her cheeks and pointy nose and pointy teeth are freaking me out. This performance earns one sexy wink from Simon! That's the true seal of approval right there.
David C. says you really have to be on your game with Beatles songs, because people know them. Actually, a lot of people know a lot of the songs performed on a lot of American Idol episodes, but whatever, what do I know. "Eleanor Rigby," hey, I performed this in a talent show in second grade! I forgot the second verse. I've never forgotten that I forgot the second verse. In second grade. He's turning in a Michael performance before Michael has a chance to, that's a smart move. Also wise: NOT PLAYING GUITAR. He's wearing a jacket borrowed from the "Radio Ga Ga" video. By the time this is over, that dude from Staind is gonna call in a hit on him for swagger jacking. Everyone loves it! Simon says he could win it all if this show was based on talent and not popularity, ooh burn.
One in four high school aged girls has a sexually transmitted disease! Details tonight on the Fox 9 News at 10!
(Yes, we have a Fox 9 News at 9 and a Fox 9 News at 10. We're lucky.)
Look, it's nanny Brooke! The image of her clamping that towel over that kid's face and the camera panning away is TERRIFYING. Did she just chloroform that baby?! Shit, man! Somebody do something!!! Oh hey, she's singing "Let It Be," because sometimes in the end you gotta let it be. That's what she tells us. Oh hey, she's playing the piano. Oh hey, that lighting is NOT flattering. Oof. She is bearing more than a passing resemblance to Leslie Mann. She's trying to get a little gospelly, or something, and it just don't work quite right. I mean it's nice and all but it's leaving me feeling eh. Aww, she's all teary eyed, aww. Everyone loves it! She's a nice lady. Also, she and Ryan look really cute together. I think they are my dream couple, even more than Ryan and Simon. Aww, it's just a happy feelgood time. Whatever. I'm tired, I'm clearly losing it.
I enjoy this singer! I wish he would not sidestep his dancing experience when discussing his background. He's really stoked! to be singing ... "I Saw Her Standing There." Oh no, oh no oh no, this worries me. Like severely. And the reality, oh no. This is like if Marc Anthony was on "High School Musical," or something. Don't tell me that sounds awesome, because it's not. Oh no, David, David, David, don't try to convince us of your lust for females at the expense of a good performance. Simon: "Corny verging on desperate." I'm sad for this singer!
Tracking Wet Weather Wednesday! Caught on tape: A tire falls off a semi! All this and more TONIGHT on the Fox 9 News at 9!
Amanda is opting for the Farrah hair tonight. Also, those pants make her legs look like they're in JAIL. "You Can't Do That," oh my goodness. She heard it for the first time this week, she explains. Yeah, clearly this song has a lot of depth and meaning if you've never heard of it and meanwhile you've got the entire Lennon/McCartney catalog in front of you. I got nothing else. Whatever. Oh this should be precious. Um ... I don't think she's even singing in English. Hahahaha, Simon agrees with me. Seriously, I don't know what to think anymore. I don't think respected actor Taye Diggs knows what to think either.
Can I just turn off the TV now? He says he's "done everything you can think of" in order to make ends meet. Ooh, cue "The Boys of Hollywood Boulevard"! Tell me more! Hmm, "Across the Universe." You know, I wouldn't try that. I just wouldn't. Nothing special. Snore. Ugh, bum notes. Oh MAN his "big arrangement" kicks in with strings and are you kidding me? LAME. You want to talk about corny, oh man. He's showing Paula "all the textures of performance," apparently. And, she hopes, his wiener! The dudes are like all bored. I want these four minutes back desperately.
And I'm just going to forget THIS ever happened. F-ing A.
Ugh. This little goon. He says his father is a jazz musician, so that means his father likes jazz music. OK. He's trying to convince us that "We Can Work It Out" is a challenge that he might not be up for. Whatever dude. Hey, this isn't Stevie Wonder night! Ugh, this is all CD101.9'ed out, are you kidding? Hmm ... and maybe he wasn't kidding about being worried, eew girl eew, this is a hot tranny mess. HAHAHAHA HE FORGOT THE WORDS HAHAHAHAHAHA. Oh man, the look of FLOP TERROR has taken him over, and it is awesome. AHHHH! AGAIN! HE FORGOT THEM AGAIN!!! I declare this turn of events delicious. Wow, what a way to end Lennon/McCartney night! Unlike Randy and Paula, Simon refuses to kiss this guy's ass, as he expects better. I can already see him asking Amanda to teach him the tricks of just makin' shit up while you're sangin'.
Ohhh, I miss Danny. I wonder what he would have done tonight? I vote "Revolution." I bet he could turn out "She's Leaving Home" like it would make you want to kill yourself. In a good way! See, this show is so much poorer without him. :'(
So did I manage to jinx my top two picks by declaring them my top two picks? All signs point to yes!
Is making the Top 12 more of an achievement than making the Top 16? Really, I don't see much of an upside. Ryan's Tintin hair looks FANTASTIC. Chris is rolling his eyes already. I had a horrible day today, and it's about to get worse! THIS is American Idol!
So I make it here in time to watch the show live and you give me Blake Lewis?! Oh F-you, TV, you and your VOCAL ENTENDRES, go straight to Hell. Seriously, look at this and try to tell me this is anything other than a sick ghastly joke. Oh hooray, it's the Jay Kay Dance Impression™, how I've MISSED that. This song is all about being let down and being through with somebody. That speaks to me right about now! The response is tepid. Listen to that total lack of enthusiasm! Tremendous. This is a star-making show, you know.
Chris rewinds it to show me Danny and Ramiele getting all sad and huggy with each other, aww. Kady looks particularly angry at having to have suffered through those VOCAL ENTENDRES. She's trying really hard to get me to like her.
Why yes, Amanda is wearing a poncho.
To catch Chris up on what he missed, the camera pans across a lineup of our Top 8 dudes! Chris: "Ugh, GOOD LORD." His reaction to "Hello": "Oh no, not Lionel. No, Dave."
I really miss being able to burn through these commercials, my word.
Every time Ryan says "Take a stool" it weirds me out. So who are we getting rid of?
Aww, she got her boobs out a day too late. Sorry! Asia'h is DEVASTATED! Because she has to listen to this song again? Ramiele is far more restrained with her emotion. She's been taking glamorous crying lessons from Danny.
Yeah, well. I got nothing to say about this one. This is really quite a song to go out on, isn't it? I note that Kristy is singing along. And he leaves us with the magic word: "JITTERBUG." Sizzle points! It's all about sizzle points.
Her mistake was letting us forget her Tragic Story™. Ohhh Paula is heartbroken. Ohhh she can't stop talking. I never knew "I Wanna Dance With Somebody" could be delivered so angrily! Somehow she's much better tonight, what? Like much, MUCH better. Paula agrees with me! Bye now!
WRONG. AMERICA GOT IT WRONG. YOU GOT IT WRONG, AMERICA. Oh man. I seriously, seriously, seriously thought there was no way he was going home. Ramiele is devastated. I'm devastated! Although I guess it's only right that this show should eliminate and avoid entertainment at all costs. Ugh. I hate this show!!! Aaaaaaand this show hates me. My one hope is Danny passes the zest torch to David H., or maybe he'll just keep showing up in the audience looking pouty and sensational. Or perhaps he'll field those "live viewer disaster in the making phone calls" Ryan's going on about.
Pieman's 3 for 4 again this week! I'm impressed. I'm DEpressed.
So who are we stuck with?
MY ONLY HOPE based solely on cuteness, ethnicity and/or gayness:
UNRELIABLE:
LAME:
CREEPY:
SNORE:
A SAD REFLECTION OF OUR SOCIETY:
Just think, this show will take us pretty much all the way up to the NBA playoffs, right? I just depressed myself again. This IS American Idol!
These people wiping away tears in the "Moment of Truth" promo reflect how I am feeling right now. Ryan is looking very glamorous G-man tonight. I approve! Oh, wait, I didn't notice the jeans. Ehhh. Randy looks like he's wearing candy bracelets. THIS is American Idol!
Top 8 ladies! Oh yes it's Eighties night and the feeling is not right, it's not right at all. Can they just get rid of most of them now? Please?
OMG, was she an extra in Roll Bounce? Is that what she's trying to tell us? Her outfit appears to be made of Fruit Roll-Ups. "I Wanna Dance With Somebody," somehow I had a feeling someone was going to do this song, and somehow I had a feeling it would be her. The fly of those Fruit Roll-Up pants makes it look like she's ... packing. That's all I'm saying. This is really shaky and not good. Didn't they get the memo about not singing Whitney songs? I guess they taped this before I sent it out last night. Randy and Paula ramble on about nothing. Simon reacts as expected. Ryan's jeans are distracting me. The stitching, ugh. Bad stitching. Bad pants all around.
You know, I guess this one's not all evil. She seems nice enough. Oh, and then she starts singing. "Who Wants to Live Forever?," well, this should be a TREAT. Oh, this is not going well, not well at—OH MY GOD, wow, was she flat there. And there! (Wait, she's not that flat! Ba-dum-bum.) You can just see her eyes go from bad to worse. It's like watching someone die. Randy and Paula must be smoking bowls with Jason C., for they are kind and gentle like flower people. Simon invokes "Stepford Wives," as he and I are connected for all eternity. Although I did say that about the other bland blond lady, but whatever. The magic question: What can she do to show more personality? Chris: "Show more boobs!"
Trouble just seems to follow this lady everywhere she goes, doesn't it? "I Hate Myself for Loving You," why, it's a bachelorette party at karaoke night. Sparkles! She can't stop singing to the floor. She hates herself for loving the floor. She's like Katharine McPhee that way. All I can do during this is think about Jane resorting to "secret cutting" at this moment and it makes me even sadder. Randy likes it. Paula likes it. Simon says it's "fantastic" and she "nailed it." I'm going to nail myself to something pretty soon by the looks of things.
Her most embarrassing moment involves butter and oil. Yeah. "I Drove All Night," well really now. Wait, that part really isn't supposed to go like that, is it? Just checking. Oh honey, those pants are not flattering. Someone told you wrong. Has she gotten jowlier in the last seven days? I think she has a different head on this week, or maybe her cheeks are full of ... butter and oil. She gets two yeses and a not really. I can't stop looking at those pants. They're so gross! Mom jeans! This is seriously bad pants day. I'm offended.
When she was a kid, she had a dog bowl she used to drink out of! I got nothing else. "Faithfully," OK, now someone is joking. Hello, boobs!!! Are there stuffed animals jammed in there? I'm just wondering. Ugh, shrieky. This is bad but it is far from the worst thing tonight. It almost makes a weird kind of sense all countried out like that. THERE IS NO LIFE IN THOSE EYES. THIS WOMAN HAS NO SOUL. Oh whew it's over, I felt my inner light being sucked out by those black holes on her face. Randy is like, yeah yeah. Paula has nothing but positivity. Simon says she's forgettable. From the neck up!
Chris: "Is that the most boobs I'm going to get?" He seems awfully disappointed.
Dude, I totally bought a ton of that Jovovich Hawk—for Target the other day. Everything is either extremely cute or extremely ugly! That makes for an easy shopping experience.
Pinoy power! Her embarrassing story is especially heartbreaking, aww. "Against All Odds," oh no, I think Jane is going to start cutting herself again. She is taking this song to WEIRD PLACES. What key is this? I feel dizzy. I'm smelling burnt toast. Is my brain exploding? OK, it's over, it's passed, whew. Aww, she's so cute, though. Look how cute she is! Anyone who wears red and purple together is instantly in my heart. Well, most anyone. (Kady's wearing royal blue tonight, not purple. I checked.) Everyone talks for 10 minutes about nothing. Danny is wearing her nerdy old glasses! It's like they're trying to get me to be their brother, their best friend forever.
For two nights in a row I haven't paid attention to the Fox 9 News at 9 promos. I'm sorry. They're always so, so good.
"Love Is a Battlefield," UNPLUGGED. Switching it up! First contestant to start a song perched on the edge of the stage, check. Chris: "Is she not able to stand or something?" No prom-ee-says, eh? I got nothing else. Her pants aren't bad, at least. Randy and Paula take this moment to reminisce about video choreographers. Simon is a little in love with her, I guess. Hey, her husband's CUTE! Did you see him? Maybe he and Simon are going to fight. I'd buy that for a dollar.
I hate this stupid girl with the dumb stupid face who can't stop staring out the sunroof and the music is all OOOOOH oooh and WHEN WILL THIS COMMERCIAL GO AWAY
Ugh, I forgot this one's still around. She tells a story about when she was a child, which I'd wager places it around 1968. She's saving all her love for you! WHO THREW AWAY THE WHITNEY MEMO?! Ugh, she says the "M-L" line. She and Carly both tonight, eew. Eew, hip gyrations. Eew girl, eew. And bad pants. I need to send out a memo about THAT too. Everything about this one is fake, fake, fake. None of the judges have anything exciting to say aside from "good." Snore! She's like the snore queen.
Hey, no "Father Figure"! Maybe they do that one tomorrow. We can only hope. (For a quick and painless death.)
We're finally down to an hourlong show! Oh glory! Praise Jesus! How quickly can I burn through this? Ryan looks me in the eyes and says, "Let's do it." He totally does! He totally means it! THIS is American Idol!
Top 8 dudes! Songs of the Eighties! My song this week would totally be "All Over Town" by April Wine, you know it. Randy is bringing the Sparkle Magick with that shirt. The hell, man. That is ... something. Whoa.
This one's most embarrassing moment is that his sister dressed him up as a ballerina. The visual evidence is less embarrassing than his a cappella group footage from last week. "Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go," oh sweet merciful mercy, what is he thinking?! Does he WANT to get kicked off?! He's doing things with the lyrics to this song that confound me. Like it's making even less sense than the real thing. This was a very A. Ridgeley performance. Nice enough to look at! Randy says it's a little bit corny, just tryin' to keep it real. Paula says what is up in the title up there, and adds that he's very musical. Simon says it was girly, ooh!
Ryan reveals that this one has to pee. I love Ryan. He tells some story about how his most embarrassing moment was that his mom finished a song that he couldn't sing on stage, or something. HIS LIFE IS ABOUT THE MUSIC, already. Bahahahaha, "Another Day in Paradise," complete with him accompanying himself (whoa!) on a piano-like object, and then he gets up and walks away like it's a PROP and I laugh and laugh. Lispy! He needs to stop staring at me like that. He's so INTENSE, he's going to make himself pee. At least I hope he does. Oh well, it's over. Randy says it's nice! Paula is happy that he sang things off key because that makes him imperfect, which means he's perfect! Simon says he needs to lighten up, whatever. This kid keeps guffawing like OMG he can't believe such praise is being heaped upon him, and then talks about how it's great that the song is about people who are unfortunate, and that's great. Please let me smack him across the face with something, just once. Please.
Denise Richards looks older than I do!
Are you ready for Danny Noriega?! I don't think you are! He talks about this time he was embarrassed like a cute little red tomato. I'm not making that up. Also, I believe it. He brings us a "Straight Up" (thereby "switched up") translation of "Tainted Love." Strut! Shake it! Oh, don't shake it that hard. OK, keep shaking it anyway! OMG, that was tremendous. Randy says he's got all the mad attitude for all the people in the place, bring the vocals, bring it. Paula says he has a spicy side! No shit! Simon thought it was horrible and useless. Booooo! He's just trying to keep him in the competition. He's a genius! Danny throws shade all over the place. There's so much awesome going on here I can't even go into it.
His most embarrassing moment was that he had a booger in his nose during a photo shoot, which sucked since he had awesome hair and clothes, or something. Snore. I wanted to hear stripper stories! "It's All Coming Back to Me," what? Because no one associates this song with Celine Dion and 1996. NOT POSSIBLE. I'm disappointed! Randy is like, whatever, I'm not paying attention. Paula, whatever. Simon, whatever. Everyone sort of likes it! I am nonplussed! I take it David is starting to acknowledge the power of zest. BRING IT!
There was a dude who looked like Tim Roth in that "New Amsterdam" ad and I FREAKED OUT and rewound it but it turned out not to be Tim Roth. I don't know why I'm typing this.
This one's embarrassing moment was being dressed as a kangaroo at a rugby match. Did you know he's AUSTRALIAN?! Take notes and learn about the Land Down Under and the People Who Used to Live There! "Don't You Forget About Me," or sorry, "Don't You (Forget About Me)," OK decent song choice, I guess. Nice pleather jacket. Oh no, what is this business with going up an octave? What? Yes, sound more whiny, that is an excellent tactic. "The Aussie boy goes home for Eighties week," Randy says, invoking the name of M. Hutchence. Did he forget who actually sings this song? See, this is a PROBLEM, if you don't manage to convince anyone that you make the song "your own," but instead you confuse them into thinking it was originally by the person you are imitating. I give this shit the finger. Paula is so glad you are the type of artist who is defining who you are. Everyone is unique and different, and he is no exception! That statement is contradictory! Simon "really, really" likes him. Snore.
Augh, someone says "guitar" and this guy's name. I'm consigned to misery. Wait, he's having problems with the guitar? Does Jesus love me that much? Oh no, it works. BOO. He attempts to win me over by explaining how his embarrassing moment happened while singing "Sandman" by America. Nah' gah' work, sorry. Is he doing something different with his hair/face/something? He looks different. Clearly someone is grooming his eyebrows. I can spot eyebrow tweakage a mile away. OK, this is ... "Hello" (is it him you're looking for? no) with a dirgey guitar and he's trying to sound like somebody, and I'm too lazy to decipher who it is, maybe Jason Falkner again but I am too aggravated to care that much, and this is a total "by way of Live" bullshit example of "switching it up." Randy likes it. Paula says he is a shining star. Simon gives him a brave choice award and says he lllllloved it. What? WHAT?!
The embarrassing thing that happened to this dude happened when he was soooo hiiiigh. I need to stop doing that. "Hallelujah," oh ... no. Just don't. No. Oh, he's trying, bless him, but ... no. He's doing this kind of Glen Campbell/John Davidson talk-singing thing at points that makes me want to give up on life. He totally bakes (get it?!) the last note, and .. starts laughing? Randy is all, like, degree of difficulty, good lookin' out, something something. Paula talks about vulnerability, reminding us all that we are telling a story from week to week, children. Simon says "absolutely brilliant." I need a whiff of the crazy gas they're pumping in there. Aww, I think this dude is going to smile his face off. Aww, it's kinda sweet, almost. But lest we forget:
Bless you, JC. I totally remember watching that at the time, 1992, on someone else's TV, my first year in New York, alone, broke and miserable. Good times! That haircut still looks hot BTW.
OK ALMOST DONE GOTTA GET THROUGH THIS DO IT DO IT!!!
His most embarrassing moment was realizing he was using a women's bathroom. Dude, it happens. "All the [Wo]man I Need," well then. She fills him up! She gives him love! More love than he's ever seen! You know, it's so much more pleasant when the genders are reversed on this song. Again, no one would ever associate this song with Whitney Houston and 1991. Oooh, hot falsetto. Intensity! Randy is like, tough song choice baby, yeah yeah. Paula is proud of him! Simon is all, like, no, as he does for anyone who sings something Whitney Houston sang. Again I am left wondering: Do these people never learn?!
Then again, I should talk. Oh ho ho. See you tomorrow!