Last night's show was so awful, it made me physically ill today. Ryan cheers me up with a shout-out via PowerPoint presentation of the hot new Simon hand gesture that is clearly catching on like WILDFIRE. THIS is American Idol!
Our Up With People salute the Sounds of the Seventies, y'all! Let's see if the medley makes any more earthly sense this week:
"I Saw the Light" (I cursed Todd by invoking his name on Tuesday, clearly)
"It's a Heartache"
"The Things We Do for Love"
"I Feel the Earth Move"
"It's a Heartache" feels woefully out of place. 1978 might as well be the '80s, guys. (1977, in the case of 10cc, not so much so. You know I'm right.) David C. opts for a tuxedo T-shirt, which makes it official: I hate him forever. Amanda butchers everything she touches. Someone turn Chikezie!'s mic on! David H. shows off his hot stripper moves. Cheated out of solos: Danny, Jason C., Ramiele, Asia'h, Luke, Kady—I think that covers it? Michael appears to be undergoing some kind of Jeff Tweedy makeover, which I hope includes progressively getting all bloated and gross. So who's going home first?
He never reached the bar I set for him, how sad. Chris: "Take that, Miz!" David H. is turning out some hot moves during this farewell performance! I see no tears from anyone, how interesting. Dudes, more camera time! Dudes!!! Get with it!
I spend this ad break unraveling the mystery behind Chris thinking Miguel Alvarez is actually Miguel Lopez-Fitzgerald, therefore vehemently disagreeing with my crack David H. assessment. "Who does he look like?" "Miguel Alvarez!" "No ... " For a second I thought I was in the Kids in the Hall Citizen Kane sketch.
Oh no, Jane jinxed her! Well, this sure sucks. Hahaha, she calls Ryan "freak" on her way out, all in good fun. She's leaving us far too soon and taking away the biggest part of me, oooh no. That's right, she made one of those "ironic" song choices. David A. is DISCONSOLATE! as he just remembered he hasn't had a chance to monopolize the TV yet. He's a fast learner!
On the way to this elimination, Ryan makes a point to talk about how Carly's had the flu. Didn't EVERYONE have the flu? Can they please stop shoving her down our throats? Please? It's between Alaina and Kady. Ryan points out that the third person who gets called out is the third-lowest vote-getter, proving again that he indeed must read me on the regular.
Oh no, I jinxed her! Aww, no, sobbing, aww. Is that the most shaken-up of anyone who's been kicked off live? I can't remember the last time if ever anyone was reduced to that much of a blubbering mess. Ryan evokes the magic words "raw emotions." Cue Danny weeping glamorously! She says she can't sing, and then everyone is like SING SING because America loves train wrecks, and so she does! Yet another ironic song choice, or at least it is from the first two lines. Yes, yes, she CAN sing after all! Ahh, we are witnessing the healing process begin through the cathartic release of pop music, or something. Thank you, Idol!
Another Idol Gives Back? Really? I mean I'm all for helping the underprivileged and shit, but not at the expense of my AI happiness and entertainment satisfaction. I still haven't recovered from those Ben Stiller segments from last year.
That "Don't Forget the Lyrics" ad made me want to kill something.
OK, it's down to Luke and Robbie. I will weep for neither of them.
Aaaand it's so long to the dude with the allegedly fake hair. No sex allowed! Chris says that's payback for changing the key of "Hot Blooded" so dramatically. Alexandréa should have done this song instead, for real. Let's float out of here on these magic words: "You're looking so tight."
Luke can't believe his good luck! Look at that guy smile. See, this show does make people happy after all!
Chris is intrigued that the Top 10 ladies are going to "lay it all on the line." ("Really?!") Ryan is looking too casual for my liking! I'm just ... totally ... dreading this. THIS is American Idol!
The crowd is tepid during the rundown! Oh Amanda, that hair, just no. The ladies sound like they're being led to the gas chambers when Ryan tries to get them "pumped up." Wow, this is really shaping up to be something special.
What you might not know about Carly is that she's also a bartender! An "Irish pub," how quaint, how surprising. "Crazy on You," well at least she's picking something that involves screaming. Oh boy, RUNS. What does she keep looking at? That's distracting. Boing boing boing boing boing. Oh no, on that last note I thought she was trying to push something out of herself. Randy is going out of his way to sound critical, even though this wasn't completely ghastly or anything. Paula, whatever. Simon takes on the task of kissing her ass this week. First she says "Crazy on You" is her favorite song of all time, and then she says it's "one of" her favorites? Oh come on, now.
Chris is affecting the new Simon "open hand with thumb pointing to temple" pose. It's catchin' on!
One thing you might not know about this one is that she is an actress. You don't say. Actually, her clips refute that claim. Then she does this imitation of a crying baby that I think frightens the crowd mute. "Me and Mr. Jones," whatever. This is way monotonous. Chris says he should've made the brave choice to keep it Mrs. "but she probably didn't want to piss off God." Dude, her skin looks ROUGH on HD. Randy says you need to use what you got, give'em what you got girl. Paula, whatever. Simon invokes the magic word "indulgent." She says "I made it my own." Sweet fancy Moses, this one.
Brooke went to beauty school! She's a beauty school dropout! She's seriously sitting on camera like she has some crazy scoliosis going on. She's making me tense. Oh no, she's bringing out the guitar. "You're So Vain," oh my. There is something wrong with this that I can't quite figure out. I guess it's just really ... plodding? Kind of like a hoedown? And then she's on the verge of cracking up like three times, which I think she's meaning to do, but instead I just think she's trying not to crack up. Randy says she has that Carly Simon vibe goin' on, yeah yeah. Paula says what she brought to it was familiarity. OK. Is that a good thing? Simon breaks out his "absolutely llllllloved it" and I'm surprised, but he's clearly "way into it" if you know what I'm saying. Yes, there is sexy winking involved. Aww, she's cute though. Ryan can't stop touching her!!! She says she was "thisclose to losing it" and I had to rewind to find out she was talking about the guitar and not about laughing. I was thisclose to being justified, oh darn.
Ramiele used to Polynesian dance when she was little. Pinoy power! "Don't Leave Me This Way," oh this better be good because I'm tired of hearing it. She's mostly covering her crotch this week, which is a plus. Oh, this is not good. This is not good at all. The band sounds like it's nothing but a mixed down snare and some noodling. She looks cute, though! Oh, the ending, oh Lord, no. I'm just shaking my head. Randy wishes she chose a song that is more dope. Paula feels she didn't get to perform her magic. Simon's with me on the song choice. Good thing she's got the Filipino vote behind her. You go, tiny lady!
I really don't care to learn any fun facts about this one, honestly. Hahaha, there's a picture of her with a log wedged up her hoo-hah. Chris: "STRADDLE IT!" "You're No Good," well that's appropriate. Chris: "She's assuming the boob mantle." Oh God, that outfit. Whoooooa boobs. She's putting 'em on the glass! Those pants are just gross. Also, the dancing? Kick-step doing the Twist? The hell? Everyone says this is better than last week, because there were more boobs. Actually I just made up that last part, but the implication is there.
Oh Amanda, that hair, honey no. Did you know she likes reading? I bet you didn't know that! She brings us tonight's title, by the way. "Carry On Wayward Son," oh no, no no no. Don't you cry no more? Too late. Oh God, the hair. It's like Roseanne Barr crossed with Priscilla Presley and a really sloppily drawn cartoon lion. Oh no. The spazz dancing. The pants. The pants!!! I just can't ... no. Randy says the song has "way too much melody," oh yes, what a drawback. Paula says she got some moves! Amanda's people in the crowd, as Chris points out, "look uneasy." That's putting it mildly. Randy: "Keep it bluesy rock! Keep it bluesy rock!" Simon hates it! Everyone condescends to her with that whole "You're such a pretty girl, why do you do that to yourself, let the world see your pretty face" business that I find so amusing.
This one is OCD about her food. She doesn't like her food to "touch each other" or something. Chris: "She doesn't like her teeth to touch each other." "Hopelessly Devoted to You," oh no, why? Why? Why????? This isn't '50s week! Oh ho ho. I am bitterly disappointed. See, she IS making me take back everything I said last week. That was fast! Oh no, the screaming. Is this a screamy song? Is it? Is that what is known as "switching it up" in this competition? HER MOUTH IS GIGANTIC, oh my God. Randy votes no! Paula votes "real good job." Simon votes yes for her and no for everything else. Pageanty! Simon likes her despite all the apparent reasons to not like her, which once again shows that great minds think alike. Ryan and Simon get sassy with each other, which I always love. That's the best part of the show so far!
Tonight on the Fox 9 News at 9: Shocking stories about the dangers of sleepwalking!
What you might not know about Alexandréa is that she was a poster child! Really, she was. "If You Leave Me Now," oh gosh, that's ... interesting. This is weird, really really all over the place weird, and she's wearing knee-length cargo shorts with stiletto booties. STILETTO BOOTIES. I'm really confused by all of this. Where is this going? Where am I? What am I wearing? Oh shit, this totally went all crazy CD101.9 at the end. I feel completely insane right now. Randy, whatever. Paula's all like relevance and females and what? Simon is all like, no. There's a lot of no in this room tonight!
This one sings opera. Of course she does. Chris: "And she's not doing 'Bohemian Rhapsody'?!" "Magic Man," oh good luck with that, lady. One other thing you might not know about this one is that she can't sing and walk down stairs at the same time. She sounds like a car alarm. I got nothing else. Randy's like, no. Paula thinks she has many hidden talents! Simon is frustrated. I bet he is, oh ho ho.
Aww, she was a cheerleader. Good girl! "All By Myself," oh man, you know this is my jam. This is shaky but I don't care. Oh no, she totally hiccupped over her big first transition and oh, no, and oh no, oh, not good, this is not good. Screaming means you mean it! Oh man, that got the guys on their feet and I think I saw Danny getting a little emotional!!! Oh boooooo BOO, she's doing the Celine Dion ending which I HATE and that disappoints me greatly. Randy and Paula are all like, you brought it home. Simon calls this "one of the diva songs of all time," but would a diva put out an album cover that looks like this? Simon feels she needs to know her limitations. Should we give her credit for at least trying to go for it? I am clearly of two minds with regard to this performance.
Let's look back at the night's performances. Wow, they sucked. Brooke looks like Queen at Wembley in retrospect. Was it as awful as I think it was? It was, wasn't it? Ugh, oh no, this show, this show.
... this dude singing "Go Your Own Way" and it is thin and shrill and not at all good! Ohhh no there go the M. Hutchence moves again. Stop, stop, stop, stop, hallucinate, desegregate, mediate, alleviate, try not to hate, love your mate, don't suffocate on your own hate, designate your love as fate, a one world state as human freight, the number eight, a white black state, a gentle trait, the broken crate, a heavy weight or just too late like pretty Kate has sex ornate, now devastate, appreciate, depreciate, fabricate, emulate, the truth dilate, special date, the animal we ate, guilt debate, the edge serrate, a better rate, the youth irate, deliberate, fascinate, deviate, reinstate, liberate to moderate, recreate or detonate, annihilate, atomic fate, mediate, clear the state, activate, now radiate, a perfect state, food on plate, gravitate the Earth's own weight, designate your love as fate, at ninety-eight we all rotate, hallucinate, desegregate, mediate, alleviate, try not to hate, love your mate, don't suffocate on your own hate, designate your love as fate, a one world state as human freight, the number eight, a white black state, a gentle trait, the broken crate, a heavy weight or just too late like pretty Kate has sex ornate, now devastate, appreciate, depreciate, fabricate, emulate, the truth dilate, special date, the animal we ate, guilt debate, the edge serrate, a better rate, the youth irate, deliberate, fascinate, deviate, reinstate, liberate, liberate, liberate, liberate. Crappy ill-fitting T-shirt and jeans? Is that the best you can do? I mean really. This dude is a snore. Oh thank goodness it is over. Paula thinks he is a seasoned performer and he is charming and he is already there! Simon is not impressed. Paula disagrees "from a woman's perspective" which offends me terribly.
One thing you might not know about Jason is that he is sooooo hiiiiigh. Wait no, that is actually painfully obvious. It's that he doesn't like doing interviews! He doesn't have much to say. Why am I not surprised by this. I still say this dude looks like a chick. "I Just Want to Be Your Everything," oh you know that is one of my favorites, although not complete with Eagle Eye Cherry acoustic guitar. He is feeble but earnest. I always, always appreciate earnest. Randy says so yo, it's interesting! But not good! Paula wants to see him without his guitar (and ... his pants) so he can be "more vulnerable." I don't think he could possibly be more "vulnerable"—he looks like he's going to tip over or popeye himself to death. Simon hates it! We're off to a great start.
F-ing A, WHO DOES THIS GUY LOOK LIKE?! Dead Jeff Buckley? Matthew Fox in 1993? This dude is talking about his a cappella group with video evidence, and I do NOT have time for this. Oh, "Killer Queen," oh no, oh no no no, Lord I'm begging you no. "Moet de Shandron"? WTF? I've officially lost my mind. I'm stunned into silence and unable to type. See, I have to keep taking my hands off the keyboard to cover my face. This is so bad. This is so, so so so bad. He sounds like a lady puppet. He sounds like a luppet. Randy and Paula somehow ... like it! Simon hates it, whew. Ryan calls Luke "Dawson's Creek." Hmm. Hmm. Ryan must be reading me on the regular. Now this dude doesn't have as giant a cereal box head, but maybe Ryan's onto something. Let me think about it.One thing you might not know is that Robbie likes drag ... racing! Baha. He looks incredibly bedraggled and splotchy. Is he wearing a holster? "Hot Blooded," hahahaha, ahahahahahahaa, ahahahaa. Oh I could go on and on. He's pulling at his shirt. Well, he does look like he has heat rash. I'm waiting in rapt anticipation to find out if he sings "You're looking so tight" and he DOES!!! Bonus points, or dare I say boner points. What a brave decision. Randy and Paula are talking about some shit I don't understand. "Rock is like an attitude," Randy says. Allll right. Simon thinks it was OK, what? Ryan starts feeling up his arm, ooh! Chris appreciates that Robbie is a "scruffy dude" but doesn't like his shirt. Well!
One thing you might not know is that Danny was in "a punk rock band"! "A lot of noise, it wasn't much to listen to. We just realized we suck," he recalls, like it was some 35-odd years ago and he is The Incomparable Hildegarde. "Just a bunch of rebellious kids playing instruments." He is a genius and a storyteller and so deliciously jaded. And now "Superstar," oh my God, awesome? Check. Dude knows how to work it! The zazz coming off my screen right now is beating me black and blue. AND I LOVE IT. I give this an A with a million plus signs after it. Randy says he should speed up his vibrato, just to be a bitch. I loudly disagree for it was CHRISSIE HYNDE PERFECT. Everyone says he should not think while he's singing, or something. Uh. Simon says he looks terrific on camera. Damn straight!
One thing you might not know about David H. is that He's like a cross between the O'Connell brothers and that dude from Blink-182. I'm so glad I've forgotten his name, that means I am on the path to healing. Let's watch him play a lot of instruments. Zzzzz. Zzzzzzzzz. Nice choker. Oh here we are, THE DOOBIES. That's a shoutout to the other Jason. "Without Love," where would you be right now? Keep on pushin' mama! There is much shaking of shoulders and pointing and some kind of salsa hip rotations, or something, and it is gross. And he does some kind of crazy Brandon Lee Is The Crow movement to finish it off. WTF just happened? Where am I? Bahaha, Simon rags on the CRAZY finish. We are cosmically linked. Chris: "Good belt, though." This dude is taking up as much camera time as humanly possible talking about his craft. He's not taking his criticism as much like a man as he did last week. Thumbs down!
One thing you might not know about Chikezie! is that his name is Nigerian! He's significantly less roundy than he was in the audition round, I see. From the first note, Chris yells "WINNER!" "I Believe to My Soul," OK, right, and this is pretty good and he's all into it and whatnot but I'm sorry, it just makes me think of my lost love and my heart is broke all over again:
"All Right Now," let's see, this man is kinda making up the lyrics, right? This song is repetitive but not that repetitive. His stage presence mit guitar is ghastly, like he's pulling his chin back into his neck because the thing's too heavy, and it's weighing him down so much he can't move, and he looks like a totem pole with shitty hair, and why are we being subjected to this? Who thought this was a good idea?! Uh, Randy and Paula say he's the real-deal rocker who's got it and got it and got it (???!!!?!?!!). Simon inexplicably thinks it's OK (what?) but he has no charisma (durr) and OHHHH now you've done it, there's mouthing off and stupidity and whining and backtracking and oh I checked out a long time ago. I mean, any kind words were far more than were deserved, and this dude should have just LEFT IT ALONE. Why am I watching this?
"Imagine" me smacking this kid in the face. Heyoo! STOP SQUINTING. Garrgh. He's clearly got some kind of syndrome and I'm afraid if I watch this too long I'll catch it. OK, this is mildly understated which is to be commended, I guess, but it's hammy as all shit and hello, it's this can of butt singing John Lennon. Randy says things about hot and fire. Paula says what's up there in the title, which is I suppose not meant to be sinister but it totally is and I love it. Simon, whatever. Girls are screaming and he's all giving his "pretend to be surprised by it" face and stammery hammery. I vote no.
This is our best Top 24 yet! Honestly! If we keep saying it, you will believe it! THIS is American Idol!
Our Up With People experience is Sounds of the Sixties, y'all. All the ladies are dressed up Carnaby Street-style, that is if Carnaby Street had a SuperTarget. The songs we send to the butcher shop are:
"Needles and Pins"
"When You Walk in the Room"
"Spanish Harlem" (what??!!!?!)
"Bend Me Shake Me"
Yes, those selections in that sequence make TOTAL sense. Either Joanne's or Carly's mic is turned off, I can't tell whose. Amanda looks bored to tears. She's wearing something that can best be described as a "floor-length hostess vest." This performance is verging on the grotesque!
So Ryan calls Garrett up to have a chat aaaand ...
... dismisses him on the spot. WHOA! That is awesome. I mean, not awesome for Garrett, but it's INNOVATIVE. I guess the kids were put off by his chocolate milk mustache. Garrett is totally chill about the whole thing. I do not fear for this young man, as he has a bright future starring as Wooderson's little brother in Dazed and Confused 2.
As we look back at the ladies, Chris snaps on Carly's teeth and says "she funny lookin'." Real talk. Ryan calls up Kristy so you know that's a swerve.
So long Amy D.! I never got a chance to call you "Amy Double-D," so I'll do that now. She certainly must have known it wasn't her night when the stylist put her in that boob-camouflaging granny dress and white tights. White tights! Now that's just cruel and unusual. Paula's words of advice to Amy form tonight's entry title. At least I think that's what she says. I am incapable of translating it as anything else short of having to break out some Blow Out-style sound forensics equipment.
Oh yes, and I do so enjoy the new "humiliate the family members" tactic of putting the losers' people up in the loft so we can watch them be disappointed and miserable or attempt in vain to appear gracious in defeat. LOVE IT.
Let's watch Paula's "comeback" music video! Seeing Randy Jackson rock out on the bass brings me great joy. This song is like a backwards underwater version of Jennifer Lopez's "Play." Wind and hair. Ribbons! Wind and hair. Oh my God WHERE DID THIS ARCHIVE FOOTAGE OF CHEERLEADERS COME FROM?! What, where and why. Why?! I'm baffled. This is baffling. I suppose that is entirely appropriate.
Back to the slicing and dicing! Ryan actually says that. Amanda and Joanne are called into the octagon. I see where this is going.
Goodbye Joanne! You were terrible! Ramiele is DEVASTATED. Crying gets you more camera time! These ladies are savvy. I'm shocked Syesha didn't take this opportunity to collapse in an epileptic fit. I bet she'll know better next week!
Ryan calls up Colton and Chikezie! Colton looks totally spivved out. He's also turned pale as a ghost.
Aaaaand he's outta here! Chris: "Wake up call! My man's gonna come strong now!" See, I don't even think the others who were called up were the next-lowest vote-getters, were they? Did anyone say they were? I don't remember hearing that. I think we're being MANIPULATED. (No!!) Anyway, that's the end. Crying, tears, tears, crying, hugging, crying.
Wait wait wait, I just realized that LUKE IS SAFE which means we are not. Ack, another week of agonizing over trying to figure out who he looks like. And the best part of the show? Danny shaking his hair out of his eyes so may we all be blessed by his holy tears. He weeps so glamorously!
Top 12 LADIES. Sixties night part 2! Simon gives Ryan a sexy wink and for a moment, everything is right in the world. All the boys are named David and all the girls' names start with A! THIS is American Idol!
You know, it's so much easier for me to write about the boys than the girls. Ugh. And I'm already bored with most of these nags anyway. It's going to be a fun ride! Sadly Chris is nowhere to be seen, which is unusual since this show has chicks with boobs on it, and that means you are deprived of his incisive commentary. I'm sorry.
Kristy L.C.: Oh snore. I hope they keep showing clips of her singing "Amazing Grace" every week, I'll never get tired of that. There's one thing I'll tell you about Kristy: She wants that damn horse back. That's her storyline, "Amazing Grace" and a horse. Check. "Rescue Me," oh joy. Her eyes are DEAD. Seriously, pay close attention next time—I dare you to find a semblance of life in there. THIS is Stepford Idol! This feels like it goes on for five minutes. I hope Simon does a "Rescue me ... from this PERFORMANCE" joke. OMG Simon calls her "robotic"!!! He and I are so in sync, it's frightening. Everyone falls all over themselves explaining that she has the flu and going first is nerve-racking. Are you kidding me?! I vote no.
Joanne B.: She's the plus-sized model from New Jersey! That's her storyline. Check. "I Say a Little Prayer" will only mean heartbreak for me. This is the most back-of-the-throat singing off-key thing ever. She has a ridge across her forehead that makes her look like she has a unibrow or belongs on Star Trek or BOTH. Paula's operative word for tonight is "shine," apparently. Yesterday: "color." Today: "shine." Got it. Simon hates it! He does not accept that these ladies have nerves! Ohhhh her parents look PISSED. She refers to her own Hollywood performance as being "an amazing performance." Wow. After she's done talking she looks a little wobbly. Honey, you gotta eat something.
Alaina W.: She looks like if Carrie Underwood and Anna Paquin had a baby. Simon had "high hopes" for her in Hollywood after seeing her perform in short-shorts and pumps! That explains everything. "More Today Than Yesterday," well if you were here last night, you already know: That is one of my favorites! OK OK, I have to make a shocking confession and admit that if she can tone down the screaming, she's all right, I think. She has that unaffected sunshine girl-pop voice that I am a sucker for. I'm sure she will make me regret saying that later. Anyway, she sounds really good on the chorus and like kinda meh everywhere else. Simon likes the performance but (gasp) hates the song! Oh Simon, I'm bitterly disappointed.
Amanda O.: You can't tell me this lady is only 23. Was she raised by sunlamps? There's one thing I'll tell you about Amanda: She's not afraid to wear a poncho. If she's not going to sing Janis Joplin anymore, let's hope she switches over to Joe Cocker. I mean let's not. "Baby Please Don't Go," complete with faux beehive, oh my. The scatting. The scatting?! The scatting. Oh my God, what a horrible decision. Simon enjoys her! Everyone enjoys her! I bet Ryan enjoys her because she's shorter than he is. Everyone jokes about that time she got hit by a truck. We sure have a lot of fun here on American Idol!
Amy D.: Oh, she's the one who sang "Blue Bayou" with her knockers hanging out. Check. She's a trade-show model! That tells me everything I need to know about her. I love that her parents wear T-shirts with her face on them, and that she's not ashamed to be seen with them when they wear those shirts. "Where the Boys Are," are you shitting me? I don't think any song could possibly sound more dated. Jesus. Oh this is so awful. I think this also takes about five minutes. Paula says the camera loves her! But nobody else loves her. Simon: "It sounded like it went on for about 10 minutes." OMG, we are psychic twins. If you'd like to vote for Amy's hooters, dial Idol 05!
Brooke W.: Is it wrong for me to kind of like her? Like Sweet P on Runway, she seems moderately talented and genuinely darling. Someone's helped her out with her rosacea, I see. Oh no, "Happy Together"? Again?! OMG, she kept the ba-ba-ba-bas in! David C. didn't do that because that takes balls. Dude, I just figured it out: ROSIE VELA. The ba-ba-ba-bas did it. No wonder I like her. Maybe one day she too will hook up with Steely Dan and Jeff Lynne and I will be jealous. Simon finds her all a bit yellow, or something, but he likes her voice. "It's very you," he says, so I guess that means she has an identity. Really? On this show? Gasp.
Alexandréa L.: Her great-grandmother came to her audition! That's awesome. "Spinning Wheel," well, who can deny the raw power of BS&T. OK, first singer to use the stairs as a prop, check. I believe her outfit is a loving tribute to Stacey Q. There's some crazy reverb going on there, what? Someone should tell her that going to her upper range is not a good idea, because she doesn't have one. What goes up must come down! Randy says it's a hot fusion jazz rock something something! Paula says her outfit represents who she is! Simon didn't like it. Oh wow, he said "terrible sixties musical" and he's totally right, but you know how I love terrible sixties musicals. She mouths off at Ryan for pronouncing her name wrong. Simon likes it. Sassy!
Kady M.: Ryan warns us this is about to get "sultry," gosh. Oh yeah, she's the one who does imitations and blah blah blah. "Groovy Kind of Love," Celine Dion style. OK. Her calves look weird. Did you see them? They look weird! Oh WOW she went off the rails there. Too distracted by making porny faces, I guess. She's kinda cross-eyed. I don't know what else to say. Hahaha, Randy says she lost concentration at the end. It's like I'm sayin'. Simon calls it Night of the Living Dead, which is fantastic. She and Kristy should have a robot/zombie fight. Simon compares her to a pencil. She looks pissed. I love this show!
Asia'h E.: She used to be sad, but not anymore! She's got some fantabulous bamboo hoops on. "Piece of My Heart," and this is actually pretty good. I like that she's all hiccuppy. I'm sure I'll get sick of it soon enough. At least she's relaxed and like whatever unlike all these other creeps. This show is FULL of UPTIGHT BITCHES. Dudes included. I'm tired of it. Oh wait, where am I? Oh yes, this is good! I wish her top didn't look like a bathing suit or make her neck look a mile wide. It's Simon's favorite of the night, which isn't saying much. Ugh, this show.
Ramiele M.: Pinoy power! Cameltoe alert! Sweet Jesus those jeans are tight. She too is weighed down by the irony of a faux beehive. "You Don't Have to Say You Love Me," OK fine whatever. Everyone likes it! Ramiele enjoys hair and makeup and shoes! THIS is American Idol!
Syesha M.: Her "realness" is a little "practiced" if you know what I'm saying. Hahahahaha, Ryan's talking to her, right, and every time she responds she turns to talk to the CAMERA, right, and then they keep cutting to the other camera so she looks like a dork. I don't have anything against her, I'm sure she's a nice lady and all and it was so sad when she lost her voice and cried and drew a frowny face on a piece of paper, but I watch this show because I enjoy seeing rank amateurs stumble their way to semi-stardom and all these professional go-see-ers just take the fun out of it and make me MISERABLE. I say phooey on that, for real. Oh wait, I forgot to say she sings "Tobacco Road" and everyone likes it and blah blah blah whatever.
Carly S.: She basically explains how she singlehandedly brought down MCA Records, so thank goodness we got that out of the way. "The Shadow of Your Smile," eh? OK. What key is this in? Hurry, someone tell her, because I don't think she knows!!! Am I just hearing wrong or is this really off kilter and overwrought and terrible? Ugh. Ugh. I don't think this is a particularly angry song, but she looks so angry! She's gonna bust some gaskets screaming like that. Oh God, Randy and Paula are falling over to declare the brilliance of her magnificence and it is horrifying. Simon doesn't like it! The voice of reason, bless his heart. Also, her blouse is ghastly. I just had to get that in there.
People gon' get they ass CUT tomorrow! I can't wait.
I was going to go on and on about how I really have no time and no business doing this but you know I'm just going to do it anyway. Can't stop it, won't stop it.
This is the strongest group of Idol talent yet! What else are they going to say?! Think about it!
It's the Top 12 Dudes! Sixties night! It is on, as well as popping! As I do at the beginning of each episode, I take time to realize how much I love having Ryan Seacrest in my life again. THIS is American Idol!
Miguel Alvarez David H.: I enjoy this singer! But oh, his "switched up" "In the Midnight Hour" is not as impressive as "Love the One You're With" from the Hollywood round, I'm sorry. I wondered why Simon didn't like him and I guess I can see why? Also, his shirt looks like it has awful stains on it and held together by hoop earrings. Wait a second, Simon likes it! Well then.
Chikezie!: Oh no, he lost his last name. Danger danger! Bad sign! Chikezie! is Chris' favorite. He spotted that talent in the audition round by yelling "The new Luther!" Chris admires his fly tomato suit. Check out those SHOES. Damn. "More Today Than Yesterday," oh you know that's one of my favorites. It starts off awful and ends up mostly better, except for the ending which is not so great. Paula babbles on for a half hour about nothing. Simon hates it! Simon hates the suit! Oh no, now Chikezie! is arguing back about his fly suit and his performance and oh no, I can't stand a backtalker. Voters also tend to not appreciate backtalkers, does he not know that from experience? Backtalking already on this show! Oh God. Why am I doing this.
David C.: He looks like a combination of about 12 different guys at work. It seems that everyone is "switching it up" which translates to "originality" in this world, I guess. "Happy Together," oh my. Chris: "I knew I should have left after Chikezie." Sorry, I mean Chikezie! Chris is stage-coughing. The shape of this dude's gargantuan head with his hair pasted down, you know, it's just gross. There is some off-key nastiness in there, and then at the end he somehow ends up sounding just like ... Jason Falkner? WEIRD. Everyone is pleasantly surprised by liking it! Me too! Just the fake Jason Falkner parts though.
Jason Y.: The one thing I hope is that someday this guy manages to top his "Are you serious?! Oh my God!" moment from the Final Judgment. That is the bar I have set for him. "Moon River," oh sweet merciful mercy this is cheesy as all get out. Chris: "Is he from Utah?" This man has clearly watched too much West Side Story as his Richard Beymer impersonation is CHILLING. That is not a compliment! Simon hates it. Jason takes his criticism like a man. I expect that kind of professionalism from a "Making the Band" veteran.
Robbie C.: Bahahahaha, he sang a Fuel song in the Hollywood round. Hahahahahaha, Fuel. Hahahaha. Fuel always amuses me. Tonya, did you date this guy at some point? Seriously, he looks familiar. "One," well at least he makes smart song choices as this song is eminently rock-outable, and while he's OK it's like he has no SOUL. Oh man it's like Simon is reading my mind. He says it's the only thing so far that seems to make sense yet he detects the FAKENESS. Ooh they're going to have a slapfight someday, I can feel it.
David A.: This squinty little creep is going to be the death of me.
Danny N.: On the other hand, this zestacular young man is NOT going to be the death of me. He is so full of zazz I can hardly stand it. He's both Tegan and Sara! He's gonna bring his swagger and attitude to the stage! "Jailhouse Rock," oh my God. The band can't keep up, he's too fabulous. I'm not paying much attention but I still give it a million stars. Paula says "there's going to be a lot of colors of Danny coming out," proving that he brings out the best in people. Simon says it was "verging on grotesque." GENIUS! Oh God now everyone is arguing for a half hour. But not Danny. He's too busy bringing that swag! He looks a little downtrodden but I know he'll be back. Keep the faith!
Luke M.: The singing carpenter! Not the singing Carpenter, as in Karen, but he is dang schmaltzy. Oh God. Oh God. OH GOD. OK, so the intro starts and for a split second I think, "It's 'Everybody's Talkin','" right, and then it drags on in this monotonous blaaaaaah and I'm like "oh I must be wrong" but I am RIGHT because it IS "Everybody's Talkin'" and it is a travesty. Even England Dan and John Ford Coley would agree this is completely pussed out. Paula invokes the magic name of Kenny Loggins. Nobody likes it! Well it's not easy to follow my man Danny, for real.
Colton B.: At the beginning of the show he makes a "pointing finger-gun at camera bang-bang" motion that is VERY INSENSITIVE in light of recent events. Since this guy was the "other man" in the Kyle elimination, you know that's his death knell. "Suspicious Minds," oh my. His pants are very tight and very blue. Oh no oh no those pants, please make them stop. Thank God someone put some mascara on those creepy blond eyelashes. Hey, he looks like Alex Winter! Bahahaha, that's awesome. Simon says he has "no relevance" and his performance is "a complete waste of time"! I got nothing else.
Garrett H.: Young Garrett looks like a refugee from Foxes which makes him A-OK in my book. We've never heard him sing until today, right? Wow, he sings like a LADY! It's crazy. He's a sassy dude. Do I detect a chocolate milk mustache in HD? I do! "Breaking Up Is Hard to Do," oh my God, this is dreadful and off key and oh no oh no oh no oh no make it stop make it stop make it stop OK it's over. At least he didn't "switch it up." Simon goes on and on about how he looks "haunted" and needs fresh air and sunshine. Fascinating.
Jason C.: The one thing I have learned from this introduction package is that this dude is sooooo hiiiiiiigh. He has an acoustic guitar! He's singing "Daydream" as in "what a day for a." Why is it that so many of these dudes look like chicks from a distance? I'm not talking hair but like body type and everything. It's totally weird. This is uhhh, fluffy and inoffensive. He's the next Eagle Eye Cherry! He has blown Paula away! Someone needs to rein Paula in, my Lord, yak yak yak yak. Simon likes it! Ahh Jason is so relieved that he can go smoke a bowl and relax now.
Michael J.: This dude is tiresome. I mean whatever. "Light My Fire," bahahahahaha. It's like he's trying to be a combination of Weiland and that dude from Third Eye Blind doing an impression of the "Need You Tonight" video. That is both haphazard and unwise. I disapprove! Oh boy, we have the first invocation of "Michael Hutchence," I can't wait for the coming weeks. I vote no!
And me? Well, I'm just happy to be here. Wait, am I? See you tomorrow!
WHAT?! No more CD101.9?! I don't even know what to believe in anymore, if they can just overnight turn New York's Home for Smooth Jazz into The New York Rock Experience. Rock "Experience"? Really? There's money in rock radio now? Reeeally. Maybe whatever Marketing Genius™ is behind that should just give me all their money instead, as I would indeed put it to much better use on important things such as coffee and bus passes.
I guess this is what the world needs to give up in order to get CBS-FM back, if in diluted form, after that horrible ROCK EXPERIENCE that we all have to endure if we are in a CBS/Viacom radio market. I miss hearing the Association and the Foundations every hour on the hour. I need that kind of consistency in my life.
Seriously, though, CD101.9 is dearly important to me. My old roommate played it all the time. All day long. All the time. All the time. I'm not exaggerating, there was a boom box in the kitchen that was on and set to CD101.9 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, all the time, all the time. All the time. Al Jarreau. Stanley Jordan. Spyro Gyra. David Sandborn. All the time. All the time. For what it's worth, I suppose it's on a permanent loop in my head so I wouldn't need it anyway (7 years of that, people, 7 years!!!) but it's the principle of the thing. FOWAD, 2 Columbus Circle, are any cornerstones of my city left? (Honest, I just took a Google Street View tour of my old neighborhood and freaked myself the F out.)