"The beatboxer or the sweetheart?" Ryan asks us. My God, what a choice.
Or should I ask, which is which? Heyoo. THIS is American Idol!
It's a perfect time to take a loving look at ... Teri Hatcher. The phrase "rictus of terror" comes to mind. And now I cherish my one last Sexy Wink Face from Simon. I will miss them. They have been the highlights of my week.
Let's enjoy an Up With the Last Two People performance of "I Saw Him/Her Standing There." Now I fully understand the breadth of Tiffany's talent. Jordin, you are Godzilla-stomping on all my goodwill with your sparkly maternity dress and your "skinny" jeans. Not to mention your hellacious enunciation. Before too long, she feh in love with hey-uh! Meanwhile, Blake is wearing a leisure suit. Nothing to see here.
NOTHING TO SEE HERE. I'm blind from the sexual chemistry. Don't stare too long, you'll get cooties!
Gwen Stefani performance via satellite means FFWD
I can't rope Chris in to watch his beloved Kelly Clarkson because he's watching "Lost." I like that Contempo Casuals look! I also like how she purposely! sounds off-key and off-beat at the beginning of this song! I want to like this song but I can't. I still like her though. If someone dares to remake Beyond the Valley of the Dolls, they should at least cast her as Kelly McNamara.
I will never get tired of X-Centric, the man who was a kitty cat but became a full-grown panther. The rest of these sad audition people can leave forever. Oh no, they're devoting entire segments to giving them awards? And airtime? This is real? I long for the happier moments of Teri Hatcher's creepy face. I mean, if they're really that desperate to find trainwrecks to celebrate.
It's impossible to contain the SEXY when our Top 6 men perform with Smokey Robinson. I bet you can't wait to see Chris Sligh on tour! I bet you can't! Listen to the crowd go " ... " when Chris Sligh lays it on us! Oh Phil, I've missed you, you tremendous showman. Hey look, it's that one guy! I remember him! I think my TV is developing a rash right now. Phil is outdancing the shit out of Blake. The man is straight-up smoove.
Oh sweet Jesus, Doug E. Fresh, how could you? Ah hell, a paycheck's a paycheck, I can't hate. "The Show"? "THE SHOW"?! With Blake as .. Slick Rick?! Really? This guy?
Motownphilly, back again. He is being outperformed by the backing track. This is sad. I'm actually tearing up.
I suppose I should be watching these lame awards for the trainwrecks in case they do some crazy shit, but I seriously don't care. I do love that Randy throws out the enduring favorite "Silent Night" when asked for a request, though.
Our Top 6 ladies are hearing it through the grapevine with none other than Ms. Gladys Knight! Gina's mic isn't working. See, I really do curse people. Stephanie is tired of these bitches. Haley is ... insane.
The highlight of this can only be the moment when, holy shit, Haley just straight-up freaks Stephanie. I am just about to lose my mind! I had to pause the DVR until I could stop laughing. Christopher is going to regret watching "Lost" instead of this, I know it. Gladys Knight appears to be modeling the Jaclyn Smith cruisewear collection, but dang if she's not bringing the Raw Emotion™.
Oh man, he's so caught up in it, she sings over Melinda's solo. Tremendous.
Don't mess, youngin! Don't you mess! And put the white girls as far away from me as possible! Does the camera even know where to look in this segment? They sure spend a lot of time BEHIND the ladies, if you know what I'm saying.
Jesus himself is smoldering with sexitude over Ryan's shoulder! Oh wait, that's Constantine. (Sorry, Jesus.)
Uncle Tonebone comes in to do his make-up performance. Man, he looks good. Look at that FACE! Holy moly, if someone's doing work on him, they deserve a Nobel Prize. He's making Paula's lipgloss sparkle extra brightly. SING IT TONE! YOU STILL GOT IT TONE! He totally out-Raw Emotioned™ even Ms. Gladys Knight. I guess that's how you do a Stevie Wonder song on "American Idol." Dang, Tone!
I really wish Ryan and Simon would just make out and get it over with. Did you know I didn't even cast a single vote this entire season? Not a single one. That's a first. The first time I didn't vote in the finals was last year, but you know I was getting carpal tunnel for Elliott every week before then. (That sounds dirty, I'm sorry.) This year I didn't pick up the phone even once. I would have voted to get Ryan and Simon to make out, though.
Melinda performs with BeBe and CeCe Winans! I'm feeling the spirit! I'm getting my praise on! I'm holding up the light and saving the world from darkness! Well, I'm trying to, anyway. I wish Paula had a church fan for this.
Let's take a loving look back at all the Ford-AI music videos through the magic of outtakes and bloopers, set to a bored version of "Time After Time." You mean they had FUN making those things? (Hahaha that is a joke, because even the bloopers look like no fun! Hahaha!)
Please no one ever sing "I'll Stand By You" again. Not even YOU, Carrie Underwood, and your stupid fluffy-gown-over-jeans outfit that at first glance made me think you had your period all over yourself, and it was blue. P.S. how nasal can one person sound? Because this is a performance to be tested by scientists here. She sounds TERRIBLE. And I don't even hate her, really, but she sounds SO SO SO SO BAD. Tony Romo (a place for ribs) is having a bad effect on her!
Clive Davis, please don't talk to me about a "huge explosion of Chris Daughtry." Just get off my TV. I've read Hit Men, I don't like you. The only thing getting me through this segment is seeing my man Phil acting like a goof at the side of the stage. Blah blah Fantasia blah blah blah Katherine McPhee blah blah Carrie Underwood blah blah blah. WRAP IT UP, VAMPIRE. That was directed at Clive Davis, incidentally. I realize that when Phil's around, that could be confusing.
Here's the African Children's Choir to bring back the spirit of "Idol Gives Back". I can't believe I'm seeing talented young people on this show! Oh ho ho. I'm waiting for Simon to remind them this isn't a dancing competition.
And now let's devote a video package to the ironic celebration of Sanjaya. You know, saying he is continuing on the path blazed by John F. Kennedy, Martin Luther King Jr. and Gandhi might offend some people. Just saying. Oh, he gets a solo performance? Really? With Joe Perry? It's a paycheck. "You Really Got Me." Oh. Oh oh. This is tremendous.
That young man can work a wind machine. This needs a run-in from Haley in a go-go cage. Was it the best performance of the night so far? Oh, by a long shot.
Green Day, please get over yourselves. You don't have what it takes to follow Sanjaya. FFWD
A return from a commercial break brings on a sneak attack by Taylor Hicks. He's sneaking out onstage and everything. Don't tell anyone he's here! Or that he's singing!
Nice shiny Victoria's Secret blazer. I initially thought it was tooled leather, probably because I see him and the word "tool" comes to mind. Blake Lewis, your future is now.
Oh wow, Jordin's duet partner is RUBEN!
RUBEN!!! Oh, and he's totally outsinging her. Hot. Oh Ruben, you'll always be magic. This is "You're All I Need to Get By" incidentally. She'll be there to push him up that hill! (She probably could, too! Oh ho ho) Another highlight of the evening is the shot of Jennifer Hudson in the audience, shimmying in complete spite of herself, looking bored out of her mind. She's a complicated lady.
It's interesting to note there were actual tornado warnings and thunderstorm warnings all up in our area during this broadcast, but I don't remember seeing any graphics during this show! Hmm hmm, Fox 9! Scandalous! They could have interrupted the Gwen Stefani segment, I'm sure people would have been more entertained.
Speaking of entertainment:
Oh Bette, or should I say Miss Bette Midler, you are a long long way away from The Rose (which need I remind you is truly quite possibly my favorite Rock Movie of all time), singing all off-key and Muppety and acting like you have nothing but contempt for "Wind Beneath My Wings," which is, in case you didn't know, the song you're singing right now, and dare I say based on this performance, good luck selling more tickets to that Vegas run which, correct me if I'm wrong, you're only here to promote.
Kelly Clarkson returns to us, wearing one of those outfits she really, really shouldn't be wearing, and how can you not love her for that (Chris: "She looks like she's in the wrong aspect ratio"), singing "Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band" with Mr. Joe Perry and I hope this is leading up to something. Next up is Taylor Hicks, in a shirt made entirely of Reynolds Wrap, singing "A Day in the Life." I really hope this is leading up to something. Ugh, Carrie Underwood, ruining "She's Leaving Home" with reluctant assistance from our Top 6 ladies. This better be leading up to something. (I have a feeling it might be!) Now it's Ruben! Singing "Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds!" CLEARLY this is what this was all leading up to!!!! This rules. Ruben, you are magic and beauty and light and holiness. Oh wait, here are the Top 6 guys. Now the Top 12 all sing "With a Little Help From My Friends" together. This better be leading up to something, jeez. Is it Gina tripping up the stairs in those badass silver shoes? Is it Haley, who is still completely insane? Um ... apparently so, because now it's over. OH COME ON.
And this is the point where my DVR cuts out, and I don't know who won. Seriously, I don't. But I bet Jordin won. She did, didn't she? I mean, Fox 9 wouldn't be doing live hits from a Jordin Sparks party if she didn't. Unless the partygoers are overturning cars or setting things on fire, but then again that's what always happened in Chicago when the Bulls won the finals. Or was that the Blackhawks? Or both? Anyway, duh:
I'd be crying too if I had that jackal flapping his limbs at me.
Oh Ryan Seacrest, you are looking so fly tonight. THIS is American Idol!
It's times like these, when we are down to the final two, that I really, really wish I had the capacity to screencap. I'll have to wait until they put up pictures and come back and add them later. It has to be done.
Randy's jacket is OUTRAGEOUS. It's like a Haggar blazer attacked by a lazy Bedazzler--with chainz! I know Paula looks like she was dragged out from under a table, but I desperately want to cop her look tonight. I think a lot of that has to do with the fact that she looks as though she was dragged out from under a table. (That dress is seriously discount Catherine Deneuve fabulous though.)
When discussing past "battles of the sexes" in past final twos, Ryan misses the obvious "Ruben and Clay" joke. I'm very disappointed. Simon makes a Sexy Wink Face to make it all OK. Ryan says "bitch" and I'm scandalized! Don't make parents have to explain to their children that that word has another meaning! Honestly.
Only the music of Supertramp can convey the emotion of auditions in Seattle. Christopher is excited for this reason. He calls Blake "The Miz." That works on many levels! It's worth noting that Blake is significantly more bloated today than he was at auditions. It must be all that partying I keep reading about in the Enquirer's "Hollywood After Dark" each week.
Oh man, so Blake wins the coin toss and asks Jordin if she wants to go first and she's all like ::scared face::"nuh-uh!" so Blake decides to go first. So he lets Jordin close the show? Wow, that's ... interesting strategy. She's a master manipulator who is sure to go far in this business.
Blake forces us to revisit "You Give Love a Bad Name" if only to destroy me. At least he didn't miss his cue this time! His disregard for enunciation is killing me. "Passion's a prissig"? "Shot through the art"? Yeah, says you, mister.
I feel guilty for making fun of Blake's enunciation when Jordin gives us "Fighter" (in the style of Christina Aguilera) and it is horrifying. I couldn't even keep up to pick out anything that made no sense because the whole thing made no sense:
MakemmweahuaubueuahhhhSo bad. So so so so so bad. I give the first round to ... Satan.
Butuwheuyouueandiiitnetooooah
Mamamamauehueialiiayuen'tsiaoeahhhhhh--uh
Whauuuaeleaooyy
Fighter!
Oh come ON. Blake continues on his quest to be the world's foremost Maroon 5 cover artist with yet another Maroon 5 song. The one that he hasn't done yet. That one. Pull up your pants, mister! I'm disrespected by the cut of your trousers! "Ask her if she wants to stay a vile"? Yes, exactly.
Marlee Matlin is the luckiest guest in the house tonight.
Jordin is EMOTING! through "A Broken Wing." She's telling a story through the magic of song! I agree with Paula in that she is in "great vocal voice." I thought this was really really good. I did. I did. I am a sucker.
I can't stop laughing over how the title of the Original Finalist Song is "This Is My Now." Or how Blake starts the song perched on the Titantron, giving us all a big crotch shot in his polyester slacks. He looks like he was dressed by Good Charlotte. That is not a compliment. Dude, seriously, curb your crotch. Oh, you mean his argyle sweater vest SPARKLES?! I really shouldn't be surprised. He goes way off the rails off key, apparently because he's concentrating too hard on attempting some Tony Hadley stage moves. Let me take a moment to send out a special message to one Blake Lewis:
Greater men than you have tried and failed to evoke Tony Hadley's sexual dynamism onstage. It cannot be done.So yeah, this is a total straightforward reading of a boring song no one has heard. This is my WOW. This is the time when I tell all those people who were like "Oh man Blake should be in the finals so he can totally take those CHEESY Idol singles to the NEXT LEVEL with his EDGY EDGINESS" to, hmm, "Suck it."
Annnnnnnnnnd when it's Jordin's turn it's like sing sing sing sing sing and then she PERFECTLY times the "burst into tears" moment at the end of the song and WE HAVE A WINNER!
Unless people are so motivated by the obviousness of it all to vote for Sir Craps-a-Lot and his protruding crotch. Hmm, maybe this isn't such a cakewalk after all.
And now let's close out the night with Chris Daughtry, who looks like his makeup was done by Pete Wentz. That is not a compliment. Bahahahahaha DAUGHTRY bahahahahahahahaha. "Be careful what you wish for" indeed. THIS is American Idol!
I question the wisdom of Melinder showing up wearing a top that reads "Death Cheater." It could be worse--she could be wearing a complex system of polyester slings and pulleys:
I didn't even dress my Barbies that bad.
OMG Elliott is here! Tonight! I will get to see his new teeth in action. I'm giddy.
The crappy Blake visual similarities to not crappy Mike Viola (pointed out here by the genius who knows) are really rather chilling. I can't stop seeing that. Even if maybe it's like if Mike and Todd had a baby (and that baby somehow sucked)? It's creepy! I'm totally creeped out!!!
If we see Blake at a hometown ballgame in the Final 3 just like we saw Elliott at a hometown ballgame in the Final 3, does that mean Blake gets canned too? Can we be so lucky?
Speaking of which, here is Elliott and his badass heavily conditioned Jewfro and gigantic new fake white teeth! His new teeth are too dang white and gigantic. Hahahaha, Chris compares this to Craig David, which is incidentally the highest praise he can give anything remotely pop/R&B, as far as I know. Ugh, those teeth though. Oh, he's talking and he's still so cute and adorable. Aww, look at that. OK, now maybe he's a little too chatty. It's nice to know someone wrote that song you just sang. Yes. OK. OooooK. OK, now it's over. Bye now!
Ryan was so happy to see Elliott, whom he calls "a guy I don't recognize anymore." So happy to be onstage next to a dude that is so, so much shorter than he is.
I had no idea "Everybody Wants You" could sound so lifeless, but the AI-Ford music video makes that possible. This makes THE NEW CW version sound like Shonen Knife.
I may be totally off-base, but Melinda seems like a nice lady.
That dude from Maroon 5 is like if Leo Sayer, Christian Bale and this dude had a baby. Tonight is a wonderful night for dudes having babies with each other. Chris wonders if this is a Scissor Sisters cover. And you know, you kind of have to really think hard before you can answer that question definitively. I love how that dude from Maroon 5 LEAPS into Ryan's waiting embrace after they're done. Seriously, who wouldn't?
Oh man, the show's almost over. Having Chris around makes this show so much more entertaining. Hahaha, I said that just when he walked into the room with a giant bag full of giant pork rinds.
Ah well, no surprise. Gracious and smiley in defeat, just like Elliott was. And as Chris has just pointed out, her teeth did her in as well. Let tonight be your cautionary tale: Don't fix 'em! And burn that top that reads "Death Cheater." Your outfits conspired against you. And won.
I'm really very surprised to realize this is Final 3 week, a.k.a. Elliott Goes Home week--from this vantage point it seems like we got here really quickly, but that probably has something to do with me really not rooting for anyone this year. Then I realize how easy it's been for me to forget every week has been slow torture.
If they're doing three songs, I can't be bothered to do this chronologically.
I am so tired of contestants admitting they've never heard of the songs they're singing, case in point being Simon's choice of "Wishing on a Star" by Rose Royce, which apparently she had never heard before and when faced with the mildest criticism, she forces this knowledge upon us. I don't know music! I'm an idiot! Yeah, you and me both, apparently, if I'm still watching this show. The producers give her "She Works Hard for the Money," and her blouse looks like she put each boob in slings and then covered it all with drapery. Seriously, you should see this thing. Also she's wearing giant gold platform heels and stomping across the stage like Godzilla, which I personally love but perhaps looks a little awkward to people who don't appreciate stomping. Let's revisit "I Who Have Nothing" for her third song, which is apparently her "favorite" song. She's apparently wearing a negilgee here, which I guess explains why her parents have been scowling through this entire show. Call me crazy, I still think this is really good. Whatever. What do I know, I clearly don't know music.
Paula chooses "Roxanne" by the Police for this one, which he then translates into some weird key(s) from outer space into a new form of music like I've never heard before! Ever! I wish he would quit trying to looking at me while he's singing. He's gross! I need to get really drunk right now. Oh sweet Jesus, the producers give him "This Love" by Maroon 5, which is a gateway drug to alleged dancing and has the unfortunate side effect of forcing me to appreciate the vocal talents of that dude from Maroon 5. Does this guy ever stay on key or on beat? Ever? I'm just curious. I mean, you'd think even an alleged beatboxer would have that element which is known as rhythm, or even alleged rhythm (a.k.a. "rhythm") for that matter. Can you tell I did indeed start drinking at this point? P.S. Sir Mix-A-Lot just undid so much of the universal goodwill he earned with "My Big Cups" by performing with this douche and allowing it to be filmed. Just saying. This one's "favorite" song is "When I Get You Alone" by THICKE. Bahahaha. Bahahahahahaha. THICKE. Why am I not surprised. You have no idea how much mirth and schadenfreude this song and, well, basically the entire concept of THICKE brought me at MTV. Well, maybe one of you has an idea. My house! My job! My toot! My snoot! The judges like this. I have nothing left to say about anything, or at least not until I have more to drink. What do I know, I clearly don't know music.
Randy picks a "hot one" which is "I Believe in You and Me" by Whitney Houston! Picking Whitney Houston songs sets up Idol contestants for disaster, as we are told time and time again, so hmm, an interesting political move there, Randy. She sounds like Ruth Gordon on the high note, yet Randy proclaims she "blew it out the box," so whatever, what do I know, I clearly don't know music. Ryan points out Randy's sinister manipulative ways, because he is a genius. The producers give her "Nutbush City Limits," and I begin to wonder who is out to get this lady. Dare I suggest so far she's looking extremely cuted up this week? I want to borrow her wigs, seriously. For her "favorite" song, she brings back "I'm a Woman" and promptly messes up the words. Ooops. The judges manage to overlook this despite her "oh crap" faces.
Between that and the "you have a ticket to the finals" and "My girl Melinder" business, I don't have a good feeling about any of this, but whatever, what do I know, I clearly don't have a handle on the futuristic current contemporary power of a THICKE song that came out five years ago. Ugh. This f-ing show.
There's so much filler tonight, I think I'm going to burn through this on the DVR. I can't bear to look at Blake's tuxedo T-shirt much longer than I really have to, which means "at all." (Get this, it's a T-shirt that looks like he's wearing a tuxedo! With a tie and a corsage and everything! Have you seen these things? They're hilarious!)
I don't want to relive this awful show, either. Poor Barry, he didn't deserve this treatment.
I don't care what people at the Farmers' Market have to say about the contestants. Although I love that there was this scary Edgar Winter-looking woman and Ryan said she had a "Blake look." Ryan is my hero.
I love how Jordin is twice as tall as all the other contestants put together. She should wear even taller boots from now on. My dad: "I'm afraid she's gonna eat somebody!"
UGH SO MUCH FILLER. Let's find out about how, believe it or not, all our contestants were once children. I love that Melinda admits to being "very serious" about her Afro puffs when she was little, however. That's a good OCD girl. Hahaha, also that they show a picture of Blake with an acoustic guitar singing to a smattering of visibly bored, distracted youths. A tradition that carries on to this day!
I do believe Barry Gibb got every last lady in the house pregnant with his performance. His shirt is totally see-through, OMG, rrowr! Also I do believe he's singing "To Love Somebody" just for me to make up for yesterday. I love you, Barry Gibb!
Who goes home. WHO. The bottom two is no surprise:
It's a wash, but really anyone can guess who's getting canned:
So long, giant boobs.
Now I've got at least one more week to rag on Blake. Thanks, Idol!
Our four contestants will be singing TWICE for us tonight! I yell "ugh no" at the TV! THIS is American Idol!
Barry "The Lion" Gibb is our sexy, sexy mentor. I love the Bee Gees, or should I say I love Bee Gees, for there is no "the" in Bee Gees. Barry is looking puffy and he sounds like he's having trouble with his teeth. This worries me. He comments on how his vast experience in working with ladies (rrowr!) means he's looking forward to working with these last four contestants. Haha, suck it Blake.
Paula is looking so very Dynasty tonight.
Ahh, "Love You Inside Out," a tremendous selection. Hey, this isn't Feist night! Barry makes a joke about how he sings like a lady. I love you, Barry Gibb! Melinda's shirt has bat wings and it's like she's wearing a company ID lanyard around her neck. Her hair looks hot though. Seriously, I want that wig. The strut is back! This is what Randy calls "a solid performance." I desperately need him to change up his vocabulary. Don't let me down, Randy!
Oh no, "You Should Be Dancing," with the promise of alleged beatboxing and "vocal entendres." This is offkey and horrifying. Oh my God. Oh no. Oh my God. Why does he keep singing "my baby" instead of "my woman," yet he's plainly singing about a lady who's juicy and is trouble? Sweet Jesus, he's experiencing a counterfeit George Benson/Al Jarreau moment. P.S. His outfit seems to be a tribute to either China Crisis or Alphaville. This is an embarrassment of phenomenal and epic proportions. Randy: "That song didn't need none of that!" FINALLY some incisive criticism. Bless you, Randy Jackson. He delivers the patented Simon Cowell "weird discotheque in some foreign country" line. Oh man, they cut off Simon in mid-dis. HOW DARE YOU. Hahaha, even Ryan is busting on this dude. I laugh and I live.
We have a competition for the biggest travesty of the night with "Stayin' Alive," slowed down and with some messed-up syncopation. Ah AH ah AH ah AH-AH, stayin' alive. Are you kidding me. She's also distracted by her bangs through the entire thing. Disastrous. Also if you sing "look the other way" and decide to act out the lyrics, you might want to move your microphone with your head so people can hear you as you continue to sing. Just a thought. Good Lord woman stop messing with your bangs. "Baby, it weren't working, man," Randy says. It's like he's reading my thoughts tonight!
Please don't wear a summer dress and a petticoat over a pair of jeans. Oh wait, you DID. While singing "To Love Somebody," at that. These children today have a lot of nerve. "I haven't heard a greater version than Jordin's," Barry said. Oh man, Josh Gracin, are you gonna stand for that? I can't say this is good because I love this song too much and I just can't do it. Also, that outfit is a travesty. I'm disappointed in you children.
RESET AND START OVER
Oh dear, the hair's gone from Cheryl Ladd to Suzi Quatro. Maybe not the best look for her. I still want it, though. "How Can You Mend a Broken Heart," brings out "you're a throwback to Stephanie Mills" from Paula for some reason. Uhh. OK.
"This Is Where I Came In," hmm, an interesting choice. Probably because he thinks he can crap all over it with his crappy crap and nobody will say boo. Oh ugh, there goes that 311 "oh oh-oh oh oh" horror again. Also he keeps doing this "pulling a rope" dance move as if it somehow illustrates what he's singing. "The contemporary rebel in this competition," Paula says. Oh honey no. Apparently Blake thinks his performance is too deep and heavy for Simon to understand. Seriously, Ryan asks him "Did you think Simon would 'get it'?" and Blake says "No." I secretly think Ryan is setting this guy up expressly for my happiness and amusement. I love you, Ryan Seacrest!
"Run to Me" is a helluva song! I don't want to hear her sing it! This is ... Zzzzzzzz. It makes "I've Never Been to Me" sound like "Misty Mountain Hop." I see now why there is no "softer side" to this lady as she can't project when she's not yelling. FAIL!
I think Barry is a little in love with Jordin, as he seriously looks like he's in ecstasy (rrowr!) when she's singing. There is one note she keeps singing way, way off and it's driving me nuts. Oh, she's singing "Woman in Love," by the way. This song is hot, but I don't want to hear it from any American Idol contestant, ever. Not even Elliott. According to Jordin, the line is actually "Over an Dover again." Which she sings over and over again. The judges don't like it that much! Well, then, look at that I tell ya.
"You know what's really cool man, is we gotta give props to Barry Gibb, 'cause we got some hot songs we're performing," Randy says. It's like he's reading my mind AGAIN.
It's official: I don't care. Well, I take that back, because just when I was about to say "Whatever, let Blake win so at least I can sit back and laugh at the magnitude of his certain failure," they rolled back the Zapruder footage of "You Should Be Dancing" and I realize I can't even go that far. OR CAN I. Maybe the greatest victory of all would be to see what happens when this douche tries to foist his "vocal entendres" on the general public. I mean, it'd be funny, right? Right?
Jordin looks like something the Swiffer picked up under the bed. THIS is American Idol!
Yeah, I kinda didn't feel like watching this last night. I haven't seen or heard a single spoiler or read any writeups or anything, I promise. But I'm fully aware this is still an exercise in futility.
Tonight, a special tribute to the sexy world of Bon Jovi. They tell us all the songs will actually be Bon Jovi songs. I don't believe it. Jon Bon Jovi is talking about making the songs your own. His face no longer looks like his own. He now looks kinda like James Remar. Seriously. What happened?
Mr. Bon Jovi's partner in mentoring: CURLY.
Phil is goin' down in a Blaze of Glory (From the Motion Picture Young Guns II)! He's been hitting the bronzer hard. His jacket horrifies me. It's like laminated burlap or something. This was ... really awesome?! Is Phil winning me back? The less he cares, the better he gets, I guess. Simon says it sucks in what I determine to be a ploy to stir voter sympathy. I see through you.
Jordin loses points with the "my mom loves you guys!" reaction to meeting Mr. Bon Jovi and his ragtag sidekick Curly. She brings out the prop musicians and towers over them. "We've got to hold on to what we have"? Did she really just sing that? Tell me if I was imagining things, because I'm sure you would have noticed that too. There's no place for grammar in rock and roll! This was more ragged than her hair. And Curly's. She looks strangely cute, though. And now she's getting too cute with the judges, ugh. Uh ... what just happened? Where am I? Why am I here?
LaKisha's outfit just made me say "uh" and "what" out loud. Isn't that red stuff supposed to fit under the boobs? I guess that's what they call "making it your own." She seen Bon Jovi on Oprah! Let's dig up one of those songs no one remembers hearing. For crying out loud, "Lay Your Hands on Me" was right there! This was really boring mostly. I guess people like it? IT WAS BORING ROBOT SINGING. Pfft. Whatever.
Oh look, Blake hit the Just for Men this week. I believe that color is called "Doucheburn." I'm sorry I neglected to warn you that picture may give you gonorrhea. He is going to give love a bad name, I take it. Oh no, apparently it's going to be his FUTURISTIC INTERPRETATION of the song like NO ONE has ever heard it from the FUTURE. This doesn't reek of desperation at all. I think Mr. Bon Jovi should have slapped him. He looked like he wanted to! Hahahaha, way to miss your cue, jerkface. Um, this involves lots of "beatboxing" and alleged "vocal entendres," all apparently inspired by 12" mixes of the collected works of Exposé, Cover Girls and Pretty Persuasion. These lyrics about shooting and guns are INSENSITIVE. I'm usually pretty good at describing how awful something is, but I am seriously incapable of putting into words just how awful this is. Anyone who likes this should be embarrassed and have some sort of privileges taken away. In what reality would this man not be laughed off a stage? I seriously do give up on this show.
Chris seems defeated before he even sings. He's wanted, dead or alive! Um, this should be ... yeah. Wait a second, actually, somehow in his weak, meager, inadequate way he actually manages to pull off the idea that he's "going for it" and "meaning it" and I'm not "hating it" so much. It's no "The Boss," though.
Jon Bon Jovi, please feel free to teach me how to rock. "Have a Nice Day," oh Jesus. Joel, I think she's singing that JUST FOR YOU. It's your FAVORITE. Capital letters mean SARCASM. I see she's gone back to the bungee cord designer this week. Don't defy me, woman. I don't particularly care for this!
Hooray, time for the second half of my slow torture. Ryan explains they're "stretching it out" to an hour. Way to get me excited, Ryan! R&B sensation THICKE is here (on tape) to swaggerjack Lewis Taylor for no good reason! Paula is not your lip puppet! Randy audibly laughs in response to Ryan's insistence that people are "buzzing" about Blake! Some dude on the street with a smoothie thinks LaKisha and Jennifer Hudson are the same person! THIS is American Idol!
Wow, filler. Wow. Wow. Just wow.
The Ford/AI music videos are SO LIFELESS this year. For real, these dudes make Katherine McPhee look like Courtney Love.
Aww, see, I cursed yet another one:
Happy trails, you Nosferatu popeyed sailor man son of a gun. Not only didn't I completely hate you, but I also didn't know what the hell to think of you, which is perhaps the greatest victory of all when it comes to American Idol. Enjoy being the new Josh Gracin. At least your wife looks happy about this turn of events!
Check out all those tears on the bench over there. Yeah you better cry for Phil.
And now: TICO TORRES! That dude, man ... I friggin' love that dude. When this song started up I thought it was some sort of fake jaunty Nilsson song for a second. Turns out it is actually fake Snow Patrol. Come on, "Lay Your Hands on Me" was right there!
It's time to break up the power couple of Chris and Blake. Chris loses serious points for being BFF with this tub of evil. They talk about how it doesn't matter who gets cut because they're going on tour together. Uh, so neither of you care about winning this thing? That's classy. Given my track record, is it any wonder which one is tanking out?
We'll always have "The Boss," my man.
Next week: The Barry Gibb Talk Show! It's an all-girl fight to the finish with Jordin, Melinda, LaKisha and Blake! THIS is American Idol!
