Welcome to the Jerry Lewis MDA Labor Day Telethon Idol Gives Back, Part II! Coming to you "LIVE" from the usual place and that other place in L.A., you know, the one designed by Frank Gehry, where the worst sightlines in the house are apparently reserved for the cameras! THIS is American Idol!
Some people are not meant to wear all white. Those people are all six of our final contestants. Man, you know Sanjaya would have rocked that look SO hard.
By the way, I really didn't want to watch this, but I'm only doing it mostly on fast-forward, and I didn't start writing anything until halfway through, for what it's worth, so if it seems half-hearted, well, Bob's your uncle.
It pleases me to see they wanted to start the party with Earth Wind & Fire. ZESTIFY.
This just in: Underprivileged people! Also, Ben Stiller is no longer funny.
We welcome Quincy Jones! Dare we call him the man who gave us WE ARE THE WORLD?! His taste in hatwear suggests to me that he is not taking this endeavor seriously. He wrote a charity song for our contestants to perform tonight! It sounds like it could use the hip, current and contemporary flairful flair of a Bobby McFerrin.
Did I ever tell you my first-year college roommate was really into Bobby McFerrin? I thought it was a joke at first, but no, seriously, Bobby McFerrin. I mean, jeez, come ON.
Christopher explains that Paula needed to limit her humanitarian journeys because her emotions are too powerful. I believe this to be true.
All the dudes in Il Divo look like they're half-man, half-pig. I bet my first-year college roommate is really into them.
Not even the appearance of Seal could get Christopher out to watch this show for more than five seconds. If only it was Seal featuring Haley's knockers! THEN we'd have something special.
Melinda and Blake are safe, bleah, whatever. I thought this vote was supposed to be SHOCKING.
Carrie Underwood performs "I'll Stand by You" and I throw up. Carrie should donate some of her eye makeup to these underprivileged people! How dare she flaunt her unlimited access to eyeliner in front of them like that.
The dudes in Rascal Flatts look like they're brothers of the dudes in Il Divo. Plus that singer looks like he's filled with nougat. (Courtesy: MST3K)
Paula's boobs urge us to call and donate now. Christopher: "Are there any knockers in the house?"
The AI-Ford videos have gotten exponentially more disappointing, like, alarmingly so. Although LaKisha's horrific outfit almost saves this one. I wish I could show you, but apparently they ain't giving this one away for free. WHY?!
Aha, this is why: A video potpourri of elderly looking superstars who had five minutes open in their schedules, which is just enough time to be filmed lip-synching to "Stayin' Alive." Hugh Grant, this lighting configuration is not kind to you. Helena Bonham Carter, breathing in all them Kools and Tim Burton's air has not been not kind to you. Keira Knightley, I love you, please eat something. Helen Mirren, I love you, don't ever change. Gillian Anderson, why are you here? Why didn't anyone take the time to at least attempt to make these look as if they were all shot the same way? They have COMPUTERS that can do that, I've heard.
Ryan: Phil, why are you smiling?
Phil: 'Cause I love you, man.
See, just when I thought I got out, he pulls me back in. Oh, and he's safe. Um, yay? Sure, yay, why not.
Only the music of Snow Patrol can convey the true devastation of disease and poverty!
Josh Groban, you creeeeep me ouuuuuuuuuuuut
Kelly Clarkson and ... Jeff Beck? OK then! Dude, he totally feels it. Ahh, I should have known Kelly Clarkson would get more than five seconds of Christopher's attention. He's relieved she apparently didn't feel obligated to go on a crash diet before this show: "Then I'd have to worry about her!"
LaKisha is ... safe? Hrmm.
Apparently whoever put this Celine Dion-Elvis Presley duet package together only had about seven minutes to do it. I mean, where's all the cheesy Forrest Gump fake interaction? They could've spared another three minutes to work that in, for crying out loud. Anyway, guess which one looks more lifelike? HAR HAR HAR
Please help Madonna any way you can.
Let Annie Lennox be your bridge over troubled water. Like Helen Mirren, she is always adorable. I'm starting to worry I didn't get the end of this show on tape. Also, I'm starting to worry about her left boob flying out of her top. Now she's standing up and I'm worried about both boobs. Whew, now it's over. That was suspenseful!
Tonight on the FOX9 News at 9: How this horse ended up inside a bank!
OK, I now feel extremely ripped off and like an idiot for bothering to do this, since both Chris and Jordin are safe, and EVERYONE is safe, and everyone in the audience is groaning, since they decided to not send anyone home on a charity night. (But isn't every Idol show a charity night?) (OH I KID.) (Not really)
Best part of that mess: I saw AJ for a second!!!!!!!!!!! ZESTIFY.
Let's close the show with video proof that Bono was in the same room as the contestants! Either that, or they used all their technical talent to make THIS fake video segment look real. He "surprises them" during a "rehearsal" of a "song," saying, "You murdered that" (???!!??!?!?) and there is no way possible to count the number of levels on which that is wrong-o.
Oh no, we have to sit through the contestants singing some shitty song that Bono and Dave Stewart crapped out in 30 seconds. It's horrible. They all sound horrible. THIS is American Idol! Won't you please help?
I am so not enthused for this show, it's not even funny.
Ryan's bringing back that Miami Vice hotness with his choice in facial hair. Apparently Bono was the mentor this week, or so they tell us. That could just as well mean Chastity Bono, since we don't actually see any footage of anyone mentoring anything.
It's Christmas come early as IDOL GIVES BACK! I can only hope my check is in the mail. Tonight's theme is songs of inspiration. I pray this means someone will be inspired to get their poke on. That song will inspire the living shit out of you.
Let's ride along with Simon and Ryan on their boyfriends' African journey of love and hope for all mankind and also human beings. Man, remember when you could listen to Coldplay and not instantly be filled with nausea and hate for Coldplay? Ahh, "Trouble" sure takes me back. I love how Simon's expressions of disgust for the deplorable conditions in Africa are remarkably similar in tone to his expressions of disgust for the deplorable existence of Kevin Covais.
What the hell is the problem with this dude's blazer. If Chris could change the world, he'd sing a crappy Eric Clapton song. Oh, that's what he's doing now! Humanitarianism makes him wanna shake his ass. Put some Tang on it! This is so awful. Randy somehow determines that Chris is "in it to win it." Paula is proud of his journey. I'm seeing too much of Simon's chest hair to pay attention to what he's saying. "Sexy?" Simon says this was "sexy." Eew, I hate sexy. Sexy bad!
OK, here's a look at people who are devastated by poverty and violence in the U.S., because that's how I like to spend my Tuesday nights. I wish they opted for Sanjaya's version of "Waiting for the World to Change," personally. It would better express the pain and hopelessness and dark nightmare-filled nights of the soul and stuff.
Only the music of Faith Hill can express the hope for a better tomorrow! Somewhere, apparently, there's a better playthe for all of ush, in the glory of hith amaything graythe. The judges tell me this was good. I was too busy trying to find that picture of Faith Hill that got left out in the rain, but I'm sure Chris can remind me where it is!
Two performances, 20 minutes in. I CAN'T TAKE IT
Apparently, Blake feels we can start making the world a better place tonight, beginning with his performance of "Imagine." This makes me want to litter, disrespect my elders and push people under buses. This is, hmm, let's say it's excruciating. His enunciation is completely painfully retarded. How many stupid ways can he mispronounce "people"? Peepore? Peepole? Peepwhore? He looks like he has no teeth when he sings. He's GROSS. Randy feels he was not successful in taking the work of John Lennon to the "next level." Blake doesn't like getting criticism, eh? Yeah, just keep grimacing, yadouche.
LaKisha: I'm singing "I Believe" by Fantasia ...
Chris: OHHHHHHHH GOD.
Yeah, anyway, so how is a song about good shit happening to you and you only an inspirational song of hope to inspire the world? I ... I have no idea, but what a shock that this one could make that leap of logic. Oh yes, and once again suck it to a previous Idol winner. Nice frosty eyeshadow up to your hairline, there. If she doesn't get canned this week, I hope she attempts "Since U Been Gone" next week. That shit would be heelairious.
HATLESS. Garth Brooks is a force for change! Aww Nosferatu, you're a big cornball, but I don't hate you. I was distracted through most of this, trying to find the most appropriate Kevin Covais video to put up there, but I guess it was OK for people who are into that Josh Groban crap. I have nothing constructive or destructive to say about this dude anymore. I think he's become totally me-proof.
I love "faith in humanity" Simon. He's adorable.
Jordin makes a bold move to steal "You'll Never Walk Alone" from Jerry. I keep waiting for her to fall over in those heels. Uh ... this got really shrieky at the end, but everyone loves it and whatever. Oh yay for all of us in our good works and love for the people of this world and the magic of life and goodness.
THIS MAY BE THE MOST IMPORTANT CALL YOU MAY EVER MAKE, Ryan tells me. Uh ... I'm making the call to eat dinner and watch Sexy Victims Unit.
Won't you please help?
Yes, Mr. Katzenberg, we're all just "chasing the dream." I mean the dragon. I mean the dream! The dream! I said "the dream," right?
Please, let's never let this happen again:
Let's start this show with a forensic examination of the Zapruder Film for the 2K7, meaning Simon rolling his eyes over whatever. Back and to the left.
Ryan is trickin on the ave the man on the street, asking the tough questions:
Q: What was your favorite part of that performance?
A: He did it.
That was about Phil, by the way. Faint praise, baby! That's what'll get us through this season!
Sadly, the "I'm Alright" our Up With People gang performs tonight has nothing to do with Kenny Loggins. Also, "alright" is not a word. Improper! Make it stop!
Fergie, why are you on my TV. Why does your shitty guitar player have ironic "heavy metal artist" logo stickers all over his shitty acoustic guitar. Why are you singing about serenity, unless that is in fact your preferred brand of pee pads. Why are you terrible. Why do you force your terribleness on us. You're not worth my question marks.
Sanjaya is straight-up smoothed out in tonight's music video. It hasn't been posted on the site yet, probably to prevent us from pointing out how military vests and acts of conspiracy and intrigue are offensive in these troubling times. FOR SHAME.*
AI's motion graphics team can't spell Keira Knightley!
With our bottom three, America has decided: Blake and LaKisha can suck it!
I LOVE AMERICA. Though quite frankly I'd rather see Chris there instead of Sanjaya because he just downright pissed me off with his argumentative shenanigans and ill-timed show of respect by way of sympathy ploy (or vice versa) but oh hell and oh well.
Let's take a sneak peek at the new Shrek movie with noted sexy, sexy Hollywood celebrity Jeffrey Katzenberg. And SURPRISE! Antonio Banderas, also rocking that Members Only look. I still love Antonio Banderas, even if he looks more and more like a creepy drifter with each passing year.
Here's Martina McBride, stopping by between her spinning and yoga classes apparently. Melinda looks like she's a little in love with her.
Sadly, Blake is safe. LaKisha looks like she's going to pass out. Aw dang, now my grandma is going to be so depressed:
And so am I, strangely enough. Singing through his tears, what a trouper. Between this and [spoiler] getting booted off Top Model, it's a sad day for the true entertainers.
*I forgot this is my first Wednesday after my class ended, so it was usually post-West Coast time by the time I watched these before. Ohhh, WELL then.
It's a very sad day in America. THIS is American Idol!
(I'm not kidding, that's basically how they started the show.)
Tonight we are mentored by the Marg Helgenberger of country music, Martina McBride. I have to say a couple years ago at the State Fair we were sitting by the Grandstand during her show (gotta get a good seat for the fireworks, man) and this lady really can sing and I was like "whoa."
Anyway, COUNTRY!
HATLESS. And singing Keith Urban, apparently the only artist who can fully articulate the experience of growing up in Kansas. It's been a while since I've seen a Lurex-striped shirt ... on a dude. This is not horrible, but it is strangely boring. He's singing like he is asleep. He's sleepwalking through the crowd. He's sleepsoulhugging people in the audience. He's sleepnotgivingashit, clearly. The judges love it! Probably because it was not horrible. Damned by faint praise. This is the season of "I can't believe this didn't suck as much as I was expecting it to" as an indicator of quality.
Jordin is rocking a lovely Loretta Lynn pile of extensions on her head. Or maybe it's more Donna Fargo. Either way, she's looking rather adorable for a change. And this was ... really good? Someone holds up a "Jordin Sparkles" sign which makes me think of Sparkle Magick and I start laughing and the moment is RUINED!
I can't describe Sanjaya's hair other than to say I went through a phase in 10th grade where it kind of looked like that every day, except my bandana was by Generra and it was fly. OH SWEET JESUS NOT "SOMETHING TO TALK ABOUT." How many times do I have to tell you people. He goes back to sing with the background singers and I believe his very presence just got them all pregnant. This is a veritable geyser of retardation. "You love adversity, don't you," Paula says. Then why does he look so sad that people hate it?
"Jesus Take the Wheel" can only mean she wants to show up Carrie Underwood, right? Ooh, better luck next time, because this is horrible! I mean it is truly truly unbearably bad. Grating and shrieky and just ghastly. Nice gold hooker boots, though. The judges are diplomatic in their hating it, and she's clearly not having it. Drama!!!
Martina says he's "really versatile," and that cracks me up for reasons I cannot explain. The Members Only look is BACK! You can't see me, but I'm giving the TV the thumbs-up. Is his mic totally hot? It sounds like it. Squeeee. This was boring. This weren't no "The Boss." The judges are less diplomatic in their hating it. Oh my word, he just responded to the judges with the very line that you see up there as the title. Verbatim. I'm not joking. And then he takes a moment to send his love out to Virginia Tech. Uh ... wow. That's just ... wow. I can't ... wow. This was not the person I was expecting to put the "count" in country.
OK, this one appears to be wearing a stained beach coverup held together by bungee cord. You have to see it. It is not cute. I bet Jordin dressed her. SABOTAGE! This is some song that apparently no one has ever heard of. It's one of them songs with all them country cliches in it that everyone always hates, like about trucks and bars and shit, but it wasn't awful or anything. Simon compliments her look, hahahaha. Then he tells her to lose the "I'm shocked you like me" reactions. I love you, Simon Cowell!
This is the biggest travesty of put-on enunciation since "Revenge." But in that case, it RULED. This one here, ugh, really is horrible. It's like he thinks he's Double or Johnny Hates Jazz or some shit. WTF.
Yeah, uh, WTF. That about sums it up.
My new favorite thing is watching Simon wink at people. It's all I'm living for.
Paula is rocking some serious tribute cleavage.
Up With People is BACK! Ohhh yes, "Bailamos." Sanjaya is letting the rhythm take him over. Have I done this at Staraoke? I think I might have. It is a joy watching everyone make up Spanish-y sounding lyrics. No it's not. I am so tired of these children. So very very tired.
Oh man, file footage of Elliott and his old teeth. Have I told you lately that I miss him?
My grandmother loves Sanjaya, by the way. We discussed this last night. It's adorable. AND she thought last night was his WORST night! I love it!
I wish Ryan would ask me how I feel about last night's performances. I love how all these man-in-the-street interviews only reinforce the fact that nobody really knows who the F these people are.
Akon, why are you here? Why? When I see you, I think only of this. I make the most of the cards fate deals me.
This was truly the most frightening AI music video ever. Watch it. Sweet Jesus, it's frigging horrifying. I just ... I just ... there are no words. I mean, check out the mess that is Hake Blaley:
You know that dude, right? We ALL know that dude. I think he works in the mailroom.
I hate Blake so much. I love that Ryan rats him out for using his wrist as a cheat sheet. THIS GUY IS A DOUCHE. WAKE UP PEOPLE.
Just as Phil is "just blessed to be here, man," the good Lord blesses us with a bottom three:
Eh. No surprises anymore.
Jennifer Lopez is truly one of the world's most wonderful and talented human beings. That was not sarcastic. She's so cute I can't even stand it. She must be tiny if she's barely as tall as Ryan in those boots.
Sling Blade gets sent back and Nosferatu remains undead. Let's take a look back at the beautiful, uncomfortable journey of
How messed up is it that I actually feel kinda bad for her? Oh no, she's doing those spastic head-toss crazy faces again. Forget I said that.
Next week, Blake puts the "count" in country!
LaKisha's showing off too much boob! Sanjaya's hair looks delicious! THIS is American Idol!
OMG Micky Dolenz is in the house! WHY?!
My disgust for Tribute to Gloria Estefan night is second only to my disgust for Standards night. This is mitigated by my adoration for Jennifer Lopez, one of my favorite recording artists and thespians ever. That was not sarcastic.
What the world needs is another Oleta Adams! Her eyes have been swallowed up by her face. This is predictable and boring. Simon doesn't like it. Melinda seems excited by this somehow. NEXT
LaKisha serves us the side of her face, always. She's personable! "Conga," good Lord, no. OMG I want to take sexy dance lessons from Jennifer Lopez too. UGH I HATE THIS SONG. I'm disturbed by her crotch-fanning skirt motion while singing "let your body feel the heat." This is joyless and awful, but Randy somehow proclaims it fun. OMG Paula agrees with me. Paula's lipgloss is terrifying, by the way. Simon rags on the dancing. I love you, Simon Cowell!
"Smooth," oh YES. Seven inches (from the midday sun)! One night I got drunk enough to finally sing this during a gross-out karaoke night but I was so drunk I actually forgot how it went. I wish Jennifer Lopez taught him some sexy dancing, that would have been heelairious. I like that Members Only look! He brings out the prop musicians and punctuates "lovin'" with a frightening pelvic thrust. And everyone LOVES it! Ohhhhkay.
"Turn the Beat Around," oh what a shock. This isn't Van Halen week! Jennifer Lopez says this is the kind of song you have to throw at people. This is why she is a GENIUS. The formal shorts are back. And the lower lashes. She looks bloated. Those shoes look painful. Uh, that's all I got. Simon said he couldn't understand what she was singing. You know, because these lyrics are so meaningful.
Bahahahaha, "Maria Maria," oh my word, I am laughing so hard I miss the entire mentor segment. Shoes by--Carlos Santana! That is all I hear now, I'm sorry. No I'm not. Now that Phil's wearing hats, he needs to acquire better taste in them. I'm very difficult to please. Oh man, he got woo shrieky. At least he's trying too hard in the right way. He's acting so strange, I think he may be on PILLZ. It's been real, Phil.
The rhythm is gonna GETCHA! Ugh, I hate this song too. Yet somehow this is not horrible, because it's all like Michael Jackson Latin freestyle or something. Also she looks cute this week. OK, I take it back, this got boring real quick. Randy employs questionable usage of "on blast."
Oh goody, he chooses to butcher "Tell Me Baby Girl 'Cause I Need to Know, I Need to Know, I Need to Know." In front of Jennifer Lopez. That takes balls. Retarded balls. She looks pained just listening to him rehearse. I love you, Jennifer Lopez! Nice pit stains, dude. This is sludgy and horrible and disgusting. I feel like a kitten being drowned in a bag. Seriously, that's what listening to this is is like. FAIL.
"Bésame Mucho," oh tremendous. Jennifer Lopez likes it! This is a landmark meeting of musical minds. He's got chocolate milk on his face! Oh wait, that's his hot goatee. I'm hypnotized by his SENSUAL GAZE. Um, was this the best of the night? Between this and Captain Zazz Chris Richardson, ack, what kind of world are we living in.
Oh Lord. Welcome to the universe of Sanjaya. Now someone find me some lithium.
Well, "Mack the Knife" wasn't all written in America.
I will have you know that I have managed to avoid all manner of spoilerism, save the Good Neighbor 830 WCCO-AM forcing me to listen to snippets of Blake and Gina between the ramblings of Sid Hartman and ads for Wellington Windows. But I don't feel particularly spoiled. Not at all.
We're like a minute in and already I know these will be the two best things in this entire episode:
1) Simon making "sexy wink faces" at Ryan
2) The unbridled basket of wow that is this album cover:
Damn. He put some drama on that.
I always hate standards night. People just seem to get extra stupid. There will be vests. There will be hats. There will be ill-advised hair choices. Everything will suck. Oh wait, that's every night this season.
Phil is sporting head stubble in the mentor segments and it freaks me the F out. It looks so wrong. Sooo wrong.
The one-man war on my sanity continues with "Mack the Knife." Oh how I long for Bobby Darin. Or the ghost of Bobby Darin. Or even Kevin Spacey as Bobby Darin. Tony Bennett points out basically that this one over here doesn't really like to pay attention to what lyrics mean and so he sings them as if they have no meaning. I'm paraphrasing, but I know that's what he meant to say 'cause me and Tone are like that. But yeah, he's totally right. TOTALLY. Let's see, he's wearing a lilac-ish blazer, blue shirt, blue stripey tie and TAN GOLF PANTS. Maybe gray. But they look tan to me. Also, there's what looks like those fake Keds Velcro-top sneakers that only cost $3.99 at Woolworth's but everyone just shoplifted 'em anyway. I mean, ew. There is lots of alleged dancing here. Paula says he is the "personification of pizZAZZ." Another day, another reason to ask, "Are you shitting me?" This entire show wishes I was dead.
Aww, old Tonebone likes the popeyed sailor man. "Night and Day," hmm. The enunciation is only stolen from everyone who's ever sang it, ever. Including Bono. And he keeps going sharp. This is horrible. Oh Phil, I give up. Again. "All the joy of someone singing at a funeral parlor," Simon said. Well, he is Nosferatu, fer crying out loud.
"I Got Rhythm," yup. Even I'm getting tired of "You like me, you really like me," genuine though it may be, and you know I have a high tolerance for pain. She's significantly cuter this week. "You have a beginning, middle and end," Paula says. Well, hmm, I see. Simon wasn't big on the prelude, though I have to appreciate the effort to rep Leo Stella style. So yes, I enjoy this if only that it led me to reminisce about the good old days of Leo Stella. And if you don't like it ...
Vest? Check. Hat? Check. Also suspenders ... hanging down from his waistband ... dangling ... down to his knees. What. I want to see them get caught on something. He can't possibly be straight. "Don't Get Around Much Anymore," well I beg to differ. This is so insanely bizarre and horrible that I LOVE IT. I am truly and utterly confused by everything about this in a way that makes me completely awestruck. I have a new question in life for which I need to seek the answer, and it is this entire performance. I mean it.
Jordin likes "On a Clear Day (You Can See Forever)" because it is upbeat and bubbly and fun! Apparently she has never heard Mark Eitzel sing it in that way that only inspires thoughts of, hmm, suicide. In a good way! Vest? Check. Tuck your shirt in! You look sloppy, young lady. Your outfits will be your undoing.
Oh man, Tonebone got all maudlin on us. I couldn't go on and sing after seeing that! Terrorist attacks and dying soldiers? Jeez oh wheeze. So anyway, "Smile," and a very unusual hair decision. How messed up is it that out of all the people left on this show, I only have "I hope you don't get kicked off" hopes for her?! Not "I hope you win," mind, because the thought of any of these people winning just makes me shrug. Ack. Why am I doing this to myself.
Speaking of "I hope you win," oh man, the Mr. gave me the TARGET SPECIAL EDITION! of the Elliott album yesterday. OMG. Though sadly there is still no trace of his promised rendition of "Sharin' the Night Together," whoa-a, ye-eah. Now that is one of the best songs ever written in America. I NEED THAT SONG DESPERATELY, ELLIOTT. DON'T HOLD BACK THE FEELING. Also, I think you need to hire me as your photo editor, because I don't know what anyone was thinking when they picked out those pictures in your booklet. However, you are rocking one truly badass Jewfro, so maybe it all evens out.
Oh, you are one smooth bastard. I have a feeling he is not meant to project while he sings or have, like, a microphone. Like maybe he's just supposed to whisper in a corner like Vashti Bunyan or something. Did he just say "Welcome to the universe of Sanjaya"? Maybe he is responsible for the yummy taste of Chick-Fil-A lemonade.
Christopher magically materializes as soon as this one's magic cleavage hits the screen. What?! It must emit some kind of high-pitched tone that only he can hear. This is ... well, let's just say I hope she sticks around longer than Blake, I guess. Christopher asks me how this outfit compares to the halter top and formal shorts extravaganza. He's serious! He also questions whether that is actual cleavage or "phantom boobs." And then he disappears a soon as she does: "I saw what I needed to see!" We have a lot of fun here. But there's nothing funny about ... phantom boobs. Meanwhile, Randy and Simon are taking turns sexually harassing her. This show is crazy!
"Stormy Weather," OK whatever. Bahaha, so as soon as they showed old Tonebone telling her not to do the "ain't no sunshine" thing at the end it was like a zillion percent obvious DING that she was going to do it anyway, right? We see right through you, lady! And so do the editors, I guess. Eh. I'm glad it's over.
Oh wait, now I have to get through the results show. YAY. I'll just burn through this fast unless something crazy happens.
America, THIS is your bottom three:
Haley's boobs must not be emitting their special signal, as Christopher has not yet emerged from his Man Cave. OH WAIT! There he is! "I don't see no boobs," he says, and leaves. He's very disappointed.
Michael Buble is one sloppy looking dude. I'll call him Fatt Dillon.
America, THIS is your bottom two:
Clearly I cursed them both. But one person I cursed more than anyone:
Christopher: "That's the one you liked, right? Now you have no reason to watch!" Oh if only.
So I'm not watching this show tonight. I'm sick and the longer I keep these dipsticks out of my life, the faster I will feel better. Come back tomorrow! By which I mean the next day, since I'm always late from class. But it's already the next day? Oh, then Thursday morning-ish. Or whatever. I'll catch up.
