Raised what, Ryan? What does that even mean?
I'm still pondering this week's so-called theme, that being No Doubt and the artists who inspired No Doubt. I mean, it seems like they're casting the net pretty wide there, but I think I've managed to narrow it down to the following:
Ozark Mountain Daredevils
Las Ketchup
the Carter Family
Sweet Sensation
Close Lobsters
Pablo Cruise
Kenny Rogers
OMC
Jars of Clay
the Shop Assistants
Little River Band
Martika
Frank Sinatra Jr.
Dif Juz
Stone Temple PIlots
Daryl Hall (solo only)
Giggles
Sunny Day Real Estate
Jeremy Jordan ... all right
5 Neat Guys
Blowfish
Spanky and Our Gang
CIV
Tom T. Hall
Gino Vannelli
New Kids on the Block
the Killers
Stevie Wonder
Tina and the B-Side Movement
the Eagles
Robbie Williams (the singer, not the rapper)
GG Allin
the Connells
God's Property From Kirk Franklin's Nu Nation
Purple Ivy Shadows
Harry Belafonte
Down by Law
Robbie Dupree
Young Fresh Fellows
Eamon
Mel & Kim
Jeff Buckley
the Monochrome Set
Front 242
Carole King
Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds
Frente!
Heavy D & the Boyz
Gwen Stefani
10 Years After
Think that about covers it, give or take a few. See, not so far-fetched after all.
ON WITH THE SHOW. Ryan tells us there was No Doubt! it was going to be a big night! I still can't believe how awful this show was. I'm even depressed by the AI-Ford music video.
As promised, continued proof that this man is all that is evil and unholy in this world and every other:
What kind of mind would even come up with that? I want everyone involved to be rounded up, whether you made it, wore it or allowed it on TV. I demand justice.
I'm tired of these people who are just not surprised that they're not in the bottom two/three/whatever. BUT OF COURSE I'M SAFE, OH TALENTED TALENTED ME. These douches don't have the right.
Hahaha, Bo Bice. He'll always be "Bo Butt" to me.
This Gwen Stefani special is sponsored by COKE! No one knows better than Gwen Stefani: Coke is it!
By the power of Grayskull, who is our bottom three this week:
Chris(topher) hopes "the slut" is staying. But Chris S. loves Jesus!
Well then. I can't possibly be surprised to see any of these people leave. But I still think "You guys are probably wondering why I called this meeting" is funny. Chris(topher) says it was all over when he said he was married, 'cause "chicks dig fat guys." He then points out how absolutely NO ONE seems remotely upset to see him go. Smiling and clapping for Tubby the Clown. Yup. What a way to go.
Sigh. Oh despondence. What to do?
Ahhh, bless you, Dilly and Krunk. You make the pain go away.
Tonight, Gwen Stefani guides us through the music of No Doubt and the artists who inspired No Doubt. I hope one of those artists is Beaver Boys! Aren't there any dishes to do in this house? That sounds like more fun. Like waaay more fun.
Yes, apparently Donna Summer is the music of No Doubt and the artists who inspired No Doubt. "Last Dance," eh. You don't say. This is predictable. I love her dress, though. Is that Madonna for H&M?
This Gwen Stefani special is sponsored by Coke. YOU DON'T SAY.
This dude is looking as Flo and Eddie as humanly possible tonight. "Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic," well why not. I wish he was singing this about Jesus instead, that would RULE. How can you sing off-beat to the Police? Not even John Davidson would pull that (but if he did it would sound GREAT). OK, so now it's over and even he looks disgusted in himself. Everyone hates it. We're all in agreeance. Dude shoulda sang it about Jesus. Let Jesus be your metronome!
It's a beautiful day of emotion for Gina, who can't stop crying to Gwen Stefani and about Gwen Stefani. OH NO. NOT "I'LL STAND BY YOU." DON'T YOU REMEMBER WHAT I SAID BACK THERE?! I give up. Everyone loves this. I don't even remember listening to it because I am SICK OF THIS SONG.
Wow, "Bathwater," an actual No Doubt song, and one I don't even hardly remember. Good times, when I can't remember No Doubt singles. He shoulda done one of those ones about wanting to get pregnant. Wait, maybe this is one of those? This "wacky" show-pony hairdo is nothing compared to the Beverly Johnson special. Did he just sing "Nazi"? I have to love this guy at this point, he clearly does not give a shit. That's the right attitude to have about this season, son. The judges are like, please, at least make an effort. Hahahaha. They didn't ask that of Jon Peter Lewis. Ryan: "Thank you for the entertainment!"
Gwen disses Haley, which makes me like her more. Haley, that is. She is rocking some mad lower lashes tonight. I think I have those! "True Colors," yawn. More of that Disney singing. I'm bored. This show bores me. Youdon'tsay.
The popeyed sailor man is wearing a hat tonight. THANK YOU GOD. Granted it's a crocheted newsboy cap, but it's progress. Oh wow, "Every Breath You Take." Gwen Stefani night is actually the Police night. YOU DON'T SAY. He is Donovan Leitchier than ever tonight somehow. I will now be distracted for several minutes trying but failing to find clips from The In Crowd on YouTube. DAMN YOU INTERNET.
"Heaven Knows," well, I guess Gwen Stefani night is actually Donna Summer featuring Brooklyn Dreams night. I love this song, but oh no. The first half is off-key, and the second half, I swear she made up all the words. My heart is broke! Randy says she is actually living the words. The words she made up! Paula says something about spades. What? I promise I didn't have THAT much to drink tonight.
Have you noticed in this Old Navy shorts commercial how all the women seem to be looking around like, "Thank God I'm surrounded only by other women who are wearing these short-ass hoochie shorts"?
"Love Song" by the Cure. With a "reggae" "beat". I think I should fast forward through this. Joel, I will put up a picture of this outfit tomorrow, I promise. In the meantime, just think "Garth Brooks sweatsuit". Randy is squeamish about this performance. "It was a little bit ... " SHITTY. JUST SAY IT. He left it in a tender spot! What? Why does Paula kiss this guy's ass? "Hip" and "cool" and "contemporary"? I don't want whatever drugs she's taking. Simon invokes "indulgent" and "boring" because he possesses a sage-like wisdom. Dude starts singing "Don't Speak." Ryan: "Don't sing it, we have to pay for it." I LOVE YOU RYAN SEACREST. There, I said it.
What, an actual No Doubt song? YOU DON'T SAY. "Hey Baby" is annoying! Why doesn't anyone sing the one where they did the video on the Jet Skis. You know, that one. That was a good song! Oh no, bad outfit. Really bad outfit. I long for the days of the tap recital dress. I have ... nothing else to say here.
Closing out the night with "Don't Speak," an actual No Doubt song. Ohhhh, I get it, so that was Blake up there making the BITCH MOVE. You don't say. Gwen basically says, "I hope he doesn't fuck it up with his fake JT crap." Oh, jealous? Just admit it and get your glitter G logo out my face. There appears to be a Fred Hoiberg lookalike in the audience. Chilling. I didn't really notice this. Was it any good? Probably not.
Oh well. Par for the course on this crap episode. Needed more Beaver Boys. Or the raw emotion of the Pizza Boy abstinence song. I ain't no ho-ho!
Are you having a laugh? Is he having a laugh?!
Nice to see Haley invested in a shirt with built-in balloons. Chris seems disappointed to have missed last night's performance on the basis of the five seconds of frenetic formal-shorts shimmying the rest of us all relive at the top of the show. ("But ... I'm seeing this out of context!")
I weep for the exclusion of Up With People tonight in favor of Peter Noone (God bless him) zazzing it up with "There's a Kind of Hushhhhhhhh." Really, the dude loves going "shhhhhh." He performs some sort of gyration in the direction of Gina and Chris R. that apparently SCANDALIZES! them. I am not even inspired to rewind to see it for myself. I explain these things for the benefit of my brother, who reads my crap instead of watching the show. He's the smart one!
Warning: This picture might give you cancer.
Oh cruel fate, you give us a bottom two this week:
It was the outfit, I'm telling you. How can this convey anything other than "remedial"?
It's the total package. It's Sling Blade. Sexsational. So much for ladies liking 'em big and stupid.
But before we announce the loser, here's LULU! She is the very definition of "over the top" and I don't just mean her knockers in that outfit. I hope I look that hot when I'm 80!
Is it any surprise who's going home? Aww, so long Stephanie. You were too cute for this show. SAVE YOURSELF! The end.
Chris: "Who are all these ugly people?" Say word.
Ryan tells me I'm in control! I don't feel like it. By the way, his outfits have not been doing it for me lately. It's been all downhill since the T-neck.
Tonight Paula is dressed like she's teaching weaving courses on an Arizona commune.
This enchanted evening brings us the music of the British Invasion. Ohhhh crap. I should really turn the TV off now. I'm unstable enough as it is.
I love Lulu. Holy moly she looks fabulous. P.S., if I were a guy, I would have a difficult time taking vocal coaching from Peter Noone. I mean God bless him but ack.
"Tell Him," oh joy. This lady is no Billie Davis. Lulu was so awesome in coaching her, though. She should be a psychologist! PLEASE GOD NO SHORTS AND HEELS. Halter top, oh my goodness. Shake ya ass! Watch yourself! Seriously, watch yourself. I think this is longer than the actual song was to begin with. That performance was all about prayer, she says. Sometimes this show just renders me speechless.
The more I see this dude, the more I think he may be a little special. His outfit tonight is not helping. You have to see it to understand. "Don't Let the Sun Catch You Crying," oh sweet Jesus, I'm terrified. I love this song and it is going to suck, I know it. This CD101.9 arrangement is killing me to death. I mean that in a bad way. Don't you tell me to stop my crying! Why am I watching this. Why. Why.
She's going to do Dusty. Please don't kill Dusty again, please. I don't think my heart can take it. Also, please let this not be "Son of a Preacher Man," which I am tired of in all AI and karaoke contexts, even though I think you could do an OK job with it. "You Don't Have to Say You Love Me," oh gracious. The band is making it sound a little "Grease," hrmm. This went all over the place and oh. Not good. Simon says she's losing her SOUL! My my.
Tonight, his victims are the Zombies.
...
...
...
OH DAMN, THIS SHIT JUST GOT PERSONAL. This man is on a mission to destroy me. I WONT LET YOU DO IT. I WON'T. GAAAAAAAAH oh it's so hard. Nice how they make me sit through a whole commercial break after making this revelation so my mind can conjure up all the horrible and brutal ways he is going to rape and murder whatever it is he's going to sing. "Time of the Season," oh fuck you. With beatboxing. And plaid golf pants. And a white V-neck T-shirt over a polo shirt. Why aren't I watching this on DVR so I can fast forward and pretend I'm not really seeing any of this. Actually I'm avoiding watching this quite well thanks, as I'm concentrating on my laptop screen the same way I focus on the window frame when a drunk pervert sits next to me on the bus. And don't get me started on the alleged "popping" or perhaps it was "locking." I think this may be the worst thing to happen to music, ever. People actually liked this? I'm going to draw a hot bath and scrounge up some razor blades. FOR HIM.
This lady has gigantic hands. Have you noticed? Lulu tried to get her to do "You're My World," but she's doing "Diamonds Are Forever" instead. YOU DON'T DENY LULU! Hahaha, this is kinda awesome though. But I can't forgive her for dissing Lulu. Two out of three judges are nonplussed. I bet they can't forgive her either!
"Tobacco Road," oh my. And hatless. His shirt looks like he used it to dust off a TV screen. Seriously, what does that shirt even mean? This was awfully screamy. And mostly awful. Would someone please get that brother a hat. And a shirt that doesn't look dirty.
DUELLING BASSEYS. Did Shirley Bassey sing a crappy song for a crappy animated movie? Jordin agrees Lulu is adorable and great. She's winning me over. "I Who Have Nothing," oh my word. She's ACTING! That was ... really great? This show has warped my mind.
The hair is BACK. Yet another tremendously curious outfit. Peter Noone steers him away from "Something Good" toward "You Really Got Me." Hey, this isn't Van Halen night! Peter Noone, you are a fascinating man for doing that. They keep showing a girl who is sobbing hysterically in the crowd. OK OK OK OK, get this, right, this is not as near as horrible as you might think. Or maybe the medication is kicking in. If anything it reminds me of 'NSYNC in concert, when they would play their own instruments during a muuuuuusical tooooooooour through the decades. Yeah, I saw it, what do you want to do about it.
I think Lulu and Gina should hang out. "Paint It, Black," hmm. I'm troubled. This is very Belinda Carlisle somehow. I cannot understand what Paula is saying. The judges somehow think this is horrible? I mean it wasn't like she went and took a giant dump on stage like someone we all know up there.
Oh Christ no, not another idiot murderizing the Zombies. I'm deeply psychologically troubled by this entire show. WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING. 'Why should I worry, why should I care?" WHAT OH MY GOD WHAT. You take out the first chorus so you could ... what ... how ... oh, no. "This song is really dark--he's talking about a girl who's not there!" he explains. I'm sorry, I have to go and ask God how much longer I can go on.
Not a good look tonight. "As Long as He Needs Me," aww. I need some pancakes for all this syrup. That damn girl in the audience is sobbing again! She simply feels too much. Oh, don't we all. At least I do, if this night is any indication.
OK OK, so I had class, right, and then when I got home, I discovered Daydream Believers: The Monkees Story was on VH1. I totally forgot this existed. Wallace Langham as Don Kirshner? Casting brilliance.
One of these people is going home! The look on Jordin's face says, "It's not me!"
I still can't over Sanjaya's hair. It's like the sweetest hangover; I don't wanna get over.
Up With People presents a tribute to Diana Ross. STOP! Gina looks like she gained that 15 pounds back. Phil seriously does look like Nosferatu in a track jacket. Ooh, chills!
I've missed the AI-Ford music videos so much. I'm not lying. It's like a vast psychoemotional void is being filled for me right now. Life is beautiful again! I can smell colors! I read the title "Float On" and I think YES! CANCER, AND MY NAME IS LARRY. But sadly, it is Modest Mouse and I weep for what could have been. Are LaKisha and Melinda supposed to be hookers? Look!
I'm worried about Stephanie. She has the best fashion sense out of anyone on this show, so clearly she's doomed.
OH WAIT SHE'S SAFE!
Miss Ross literally teeters out to sing "More Today Than Yesterday," and I think I may make her my new personal old lady hero. It's like Angie Dickinson on "Celebrity Poker Showdown" all over again.* I wish she had some gay dancers (OK, make that Juul Haalmeyer Dancers) to handle her massive tulle-chiffon-boa-thing. She can't just leave that thing laying on the floor!
The bottom three:
I'm rarely surprised when they get to this point, but I'm seriously surprised by this. Not surprised about Brandon, though. And guess who's going home?
Annnnnd the DVR cuts out in the middle of his goodbye package. Oh well. I'm sure he went out gracefully. He's a classy dude. And by classy, I mean boring! (Yeah yeah, and classy. Nice enough guy and all. And by nice, I mean boring! AHH MAKE IT STOP)
Phil and Sanjaya clearly need one word of advice for next week: hats.
*I'm exaggerating. Nothing could ever top Angie Dickinson on "Celebrity Poker Showdown."
I have an ulcer. Thanks, AI. Welcome to the Best Platform in the History of Television! Super, I love platforms. Ugh, two hours of this crap.
Oh my God, Sanjaya's hair just made me die. Now I'm dead! This Diana Ross package is a cavalcade of fabulousness. Nothing like some sequined dolman sleeves to make my day.
This starts the show? This dude should be singing those crappy cover songs for commercials. You can't hurry Dove's campaign for real beauty. Ohh wait, you can't hurry this dude screwing up the song! Bahahaha. Ladies and gentlemen, THIS is American Idol.
This was my cousin's pageant song when she was Miss Hawaii. Dare I say this is better! Paula is a sobbing mess. It's another beautiful day of emotion!
"Endless Love" COLDPLAY STYLE! Lisping? Check. Ugh. Even worse than you think it sounds. This dude without glasses scares the crap out of me. I thought Endless Love's mature themes of premarital sex and setting fires would be contrary to his Christian beliefs! Paula says he's "try[ing] too hard to be 'hip' and 'cool'," which is fabulous. Simon likens this performance to MURDER. I love this show!
Miss Ross brings us both "pronounciate" and "pronunciate" in her mentor segment. I think Gina's lost 15 pounds in the last week. I'm worried about her! This is bleah but I still like her. I blame the ulcer. "Love Child" is "a feelgood song," Paula says. This show never fails to thrill and amaze.
Sanjaya compares Miss Ross to Van Gogh. He just called her crazy! There is something in his spirit that is the winning ingredient, explains Miss Ross, and it is not his hair. The hair is all he has! Or had. YOU HAVE TO SEE HIS HAIR. It's not even Sideshow Bob or Justin Guarini, it is straight out the Beverly Johnson collection. Randy proclaims it to be "poppin" and "bangin." The hair, that is. There simply ain't no mountain high enough. Simon gives him a Brave Choice Award just to be an extra bitch. I love this show!
Haley selects "Missing You." She's singing it for her fiancé, and Miss Ross explains she sang it for a man in her life she'd lost, and that man's name was ... MARVIN GAYE. I get the sense Miss Ross wants to slap somebody! Ooh, she messes up the words and has a big arm-swinging meltdown for a little bit. Simon is tremendously charitable, perhaps to convince people not to vote for her? Oh, now she flips out again. At least she cries prettier than Antonella.
Miss Ross likes the popeyed sailor man! Oh no, goin' hatless. He should wear some crazy-ass toupees every week. I mean, come on, that would be hot. You know, he sounds OK and stuff, but when I look at him, I see this. Or hmm, this. He got the bat ears and everything.
"God Bless the Child"? That's cheating. So if there's a Van Halen night, I guess we should look forward to "Dancing in the Street" and "You Really Got Me." I got nothing else here.
I just ... I don't want to even ... no. Let me just say, "You Keep Me Hangin' On," in which he arranges it with HIS OWN "BEATS"! to update it for THE FUTURE! like NO ONE ELSE! has EVER! done before, like say, I dunno, Kim Wilde or Colourbox or the Vanilla Fudge. This makes the Kim Wilde version sound like, hmm, Big Black by comparison. At one point he is so caught up in the ecstasy of himself that he forgets to start the next line. What he's achieved is to put "maybe a little more electronic vibe to it," he explains. To yo ass, muhfuh!
How one manages to drain the life from "Love Hangover," I don't understand. She used to be so sassified! Now she is so boring! Still, Blake also makes this sound like Big Black by comparison.
Oh damn, "The Boss." He cannot possibly be straight. I love it! He sounds so weak. I do not care. POP THAT CORN! A+++++++++++++++++++++++++
So I guess her deal is singing them crappy songs from them cartoon movies? I can't look at her dress, which she apparently wore straight from her tap recital. Aww she's cute though. But sweet Jesus that dress.
These next few months are not gonna be pretty.
(I miss Elliott.)
Oh man. We totally need to go to Chicago to spend St. Patrick's Day with Egyptian Lover. Who's with me?
If this video doesn't convince you, then I don't know what to do, son.
Well thanks to some crappy and hastily cobbled together screengrabs off crappy YouTube, we can all relive the magic:
Give that lady some Fosamax! Meanwhile, Sundance keeps it classy.
Some of these dudes look really pissed off, like they know something already. Hmm.
Aha, perhaps it's because their Up With People selection is "Stuck in the MIddle With You." Hahaha. Clowns and jokers. Ahahahaha. Ohhhh these producers are so cruel. I love it. Also, everyone sounds horrible, which is why all must recognize that Gerry Rafferty is a GENIUS. Frankie Muniz Fs up the words! The influence of the hula is all too apparent on Sanjaya's dance moves. MAKE IT STOP. Oh good it's over.
I'm glad I'm not watching this live so I can zip through Carrie Underwood. I mean she's fine and everything but Zzzz.
Blake: "First time reggae on American Idol. It feels so good." WTF. That is quote of the year material. I don't need to explain why. Now would someone PLEASE RUN THIS MAN OVER WITH A TRUCK
Let's dim the lights and get sexy, kids!
Aww, smoove, the journey ends here. You always gave me something worth quoting, and I will miss that. I rub my face in your honor.
I really want to do this contest but give the wrong answers just to see if I get a message back saying, "Sorry, you're retarded."
Fast forward button, take the wheel
Hahaha, Ryan said "Stephanie" and Sundance started standing up. Dude can't hear right!
Thank you AI for proving me wrong as I did think bringing this one up with Stephanie would have the opposite result. Although it sucks that they had to make Stephanie's trip to the LUCKY ACRYLIC STOOLS be a "bummer." If Antonella did nothing else for me, at least she inadvertently provided me with the entry title up there. She's a thinker!
Does someone have a screengrab of when she found out Haley made it in over her? Someone? Please? Because damn. I mean I know that's an ugly call but DAMN. Not even I suck my teeth like that. I'm with you, lady. Hold on tight and don't let go, Sabrina!
Big DUMPED. "No disrespect to Sanjaya, but ... " OK, OK, OK, did anyone doubt that this one was going when it was down to those two? I mean, the reason is OBVIOUS. I can't believe it's a surprise to people why Sanjaya sticks around. You know what I mean, right? Right? You're smart, of course you do.
Watching the goodbye package, I realize I'm actually gonna miss Jared. The hell? You touched my heart, smoove.
OK, who's left and how do I feel about them? I KNOW YOU ARE DYING TO KNOW.
Love
Like
Love-Hate Relationship
Can Live With
You Had Your Chance
HOW DARE YOU.
Bleak. At least that "British Beat" special is on PBS right now so I can go watch REAL POP STARS and CRY. Then I'll watch the Kings on TNT and cry some more.
Ryan is paying homage to Carl Sagan, turtleneck-style. SEXY! I actually do mean that. What is wrong with me?
What we don't know is she wanted to play football, I guess? Look out, she will drop you! Something must be horribly wrong this season if she can do Pat Benatar, hit 57 ghastly notes and it somehow sounds fantastic after last night.
What we don't know is she wanted to be a TV newsperson. Here is some footage of her doing an on-air report for her high school news program, titled--wait for it--Diablo Heat, apparently in 1982. Hahahahaha because she's old! I seriously want to hear her bust out some Latin freestyle after seeing that. It doesn't matter if it's wrong or right. En Vogue is not what I was hoping for. Also, this is terrible and boring. Simon breaks out "hotel resort performance" for this. Hotel AND resort? Damn. I look forward to the day someone rates a "hotel, motel, Holiday Inn."
What we don't know is that she plays the violin. As well as she sings, I hope! I like how she is wearing the most whorish boots possible. Hahahaha Simon is such a bitch. She's "taken a lot of stick" indeed!
What we don't know is that she became a singer because she couldn't be a gymnast anymore. Isn't that how it happened for all of us? If her heart had wings, it would fly out of her body and then she would DIE. She looks like Marie Osmond in profile. This is so terrible. Randy says she "had no, like, yo" and "needs some wow." Far more eloquent than I could ever be.
What we don't know is that she's been singing since she was three! What a stretch, I'm shocked. Although bless her for doing that as this "revelation" precipitates the GREATEST CHILD IDOL VIDEO EVER, which is her at, like, age five maybe, singing "I'M GOIN' DOWN," honest to God, on every suburban home's makeshift superstar stage, which is to say in front of the fireplace, dishing out the Raw Emotion like you would not believe. THAT RULED. Her performance does not rule as much but I still like her more than pretty much anyone else. Faint praise, I know.
What we don't know is that she is terrified of animals. All animals. Wow. OK. She has no trouble mackin' on Ryan Seacrest, though! Am I right, people? Don't make her clooooose one more door (so put those animals away)! Simon prefers this look to last week's. Keep in mind he is wearing a henley (what you don't know about me is I HATE HENLEYS!!!) that is like unbuttoned to his navel. Whatever.
YES YES YESSS COUNTDOWN TO AARON PIERCE YES. Now I'm in the "bone zone"! If only they bring back Chase with a bionic arm and team him up with Zombie Tony. These are the magic things I dream about.
What we don't know is that she has lucky charms. HER BOOBS. Haha j/k. Evanescence? Oh boy. Why do people choose songs by people with rabid hater-ass fanbases? I don't get it. Look how pink her bra is! Look how unsupportive it is! I can't believe Chris is missing this. I seriously must be losing my mind to be rooting for her.
What we don't know is that she's OCD. Girl, I understand. Listen to her explain it! It's TOTALLY REASONABLE, people. Stop making fun of me. OMG I was totally singing this song at work today. It's like we're the same person! I seem to recall doing that Miss Jay runway strut too. I can't help but throw in the occasional Enjoli! though. Favorite!
Yay. Happy end. Anyone I like gets kicked off, though, there'll be hell to pay. I mean it's not like I'm voting or anything, but you know.
Eight guys are left! Why is this show an hour long? This one has his hair slicked down in an apparent attempt to make him look more like this one. They're twins! Shitty, shitty twins. Everyone is making bad hair choices tonight. Big Dump is wearing some heavy-duty anti-rosacea pancake. I admire its strength. I could use that strength to get through this show.
Tonight's theme: What don't we know about you? The correct answer can only be "That I am talented."
Oh my God. What we don't know is that he is an improvisational comedian. He performs as one of his "characters," complete with prop teeth and a wig and a WACKY HILLBILLY NAME. None of this helps his case. I guess improvisational comedy and "vocal entendres" don't mix. Sweet Jesus, is this a Sublime song? Oh, 311. Same difference. There is something going on in his pants area that suggests he is in the "bone zone." Randy calls his performance "really current." My research staff (husband) informs me this song is from 1996. Neither Randy nor Paula know what the song is. I envy them for having missed out on 311. And Sublime, too, why not. He says 311 is his favorite band. Every day I die a little bit more. A-diggity-riggity-diggity-die. It's like this guy was engineered with no purpose other than to make me angry.
The choker is BACK. What we don't know is that he can hula! Ohhhhh there he goes. Ohhh there he goes AGAIN. I ain't putting the zest crown on you, I'm sorry. He sings "Waiting for the World to Change" a.k.a. the love theme from the episode of "C.S.I." when Willows gets roofied. That's the best thing I can say about this.
Two words: 1) fauxhawk; 2) eyeliner. What we don't know is that he's actually not fat? Honestly, I believe that more than I believe Blake is a comedian. Jeremy smoked in class today! Yes, words in Pearl Jam songs are HARD. I wish you could see Chris make faces during this show, it's tremendous. Two out of three judges liked it. I miss Elliott so very, very much.
What we don't know is that he used to play football (ooh!) and be fatter (oh no!)--also that when he wears a hat, he looks like Frankie Muniz. That last bit of information chills me to the very core of my being. I have no idea what this song is, but apparently it is by Keith Urban. It sounds like everything else I have ever ignored.
Jared is for the ladies, y'all. What we don't know is that he played Division II NCAA basketball. Chris informs me this is not a real division, whatever that means. Remember when Elliott did this song and it was awesome? I miss Elliott. This guy is even more balls-out spastic than usual. I need my meds! Paula is remarkably constructive in her criticism. Clearly she was inspired to take her meds too.
What we don't know is that he can play the piano, which really is like saying "Did you know I'm musically talented?" Now I'm just sad. He just wants to celebrate another day of livin'! He kinda turned into Pootie Tang at one point, inspiring this entry's title. Congratulations! That's about the best I can do for you tonight, I'm sorry.
He takes my advice and wears an Awful Hat. What we don't know is that he used to have hair. No shit. They show a picture of him with hair and it brings to mind when a serial killer gets arrested and the only picture they can dig up is like taken on a Kodak Disc so it's all grainy and crappy and he's way off to the side and partially cut off but it's the ONLY picture anyone can find of the guy, who just always kept to himself and really seemed so normal and they never thought he would be capable of doing something so terrible, like this LeAnn Rimes song, apparently while impersonating Cher. Now that's what I call a showstopper!
Oh wait, there's one more. What we don't know is also something about his hair, which I understand less than that other dude talking about how he's not fat. He attempts some microphone stand moves. They are awkward and poorly timed. Do I know this song? Do I care? Is he wearing a bottle opener around his neck? So many questions. He apologizes for "not bringing it," which is like, hi, wave a white flag.
I give up too. Tonight on "House," Dave Matthews plays a guy who has a seizure while performing. WHAT A STRETCH! Am I right people?!
I know there's supposed to be two commas in there, but that's not how Ryan read it!
Paula is bringing a little Anita Morris tonight. Interesting choice.
Ahh, Up with People delivers joy to the world. I don't want any of these dudes to make sweet lunch for me. You know A.J. loves the ladies! I believe that was a shoutout. Holy shit, Phil wears a hat. This is my night, I can feel it.
When this one sings, she looks like someone lipsyncing who also has no idea how to actually sing, like an exaggerated singing gesture that has no connection to the real world. It's really disturbing. I can't believe she can actually make sounds when her face is all stilted. It's creepy! I hope after tonight we don't have to see it again.
Drop the bomb, it's party time.
Aww Nick. You weren't the worst, but chicks can't give you pity votes when you show off your girlfriend. That is something you all know, it isn't such a new thing, it started long ago.
HEY BUD. I JUST GOT THE NEW FALL OUT BOY SONG ON MY VCAST PHONE. IT GETS ME PUMPED!
Hmm. Well, there's someone with an attitude problem. I cannot feel upset for her. OH, MY-GOD, the Raw Emotion of Big Dump has totally redeemed this entire enterprise. YES! WEEP FOR HER, BIG DUMP! WIPE YOUR FAT TEARS FOR THE CAMERA! If only I had screencap power. I am sure some will show up soon enough.
Kellie has been, uh, eating well. Chris: "But is she smarter than a fifth grader?" Time has not been kind, oof. Her face is toe up. Chris asks if I remember when they (they?) hid Faith Hill in the rain to cover up how old she is. I don't recall this or even know what he's talking about, but I believe it happened. The terms "heroic undergarments" and "lifting and separating" come up. Look, a commercial!
Oh, I quit this bitch. Whatever. AJ IS BETTER THAN THIS SHOW. He and Rudy need to take it on the road. America Ain't Ready '07!
There's an anticlimax. I guess a new dawn, a new day and a new life aren't good luck for anybody.
I suppose they all had to go sooner or later. After all, I really don't care about any of these people, right?
I'm tired of these people and we're not even close to the Top 12 yet. Dame. I personally would like to hear someone bust out "Answering Machine" tonight. Or perhaps "A Strange Place (The Alezby Inn)." TIP!!
She hears the ticking of the cock, apparently. I don't understand the strategy of doing songs that other contestants were known for "rocking" in previous years. And then having the background singers out-sing you. A.J. likes it! Well, then, I'm convinced. I still like her in that root for the underdoggy way.
Aww, she and her mom are so cute. Her little girl party dress is weird. I keep wanting to sing "Closing Time" along with this song, WHY IS THAT. I don't think this sounded as bad as the judges thought it sounded, WTF. I still like her for some crazy reason, like she's cute in a P.J. Soles kind of way, which is always a plus in my book. Not that that makes her more qualified to stay on this show.
She looks so cute tonight! Aww, and cute grandma. I love cute grandma. Why does it seem like she's only singing 40 percent of what she should be singing? Paula tells her she loves her. Oh, what a beautiful day of emotion. Simon doesn't like the outfit? Too colorful? The hell? This is backwards day.
Damn, girl.
I just don't care. I'm not being lazy or trying to get this over with 'cause it's late but I seriously do not care.
Oh wow, that was terrible. Oh hey, I guess she was SOBBING through the whole thing. Well then. I guess songs from Mulan do that to people. She finds solace in the loving embrace of Ryan Seacrest. Good gracious, who wouldn't.
She's adorable. I hope she doesn't do anything to make me hate her. Oh, oops, this song might actually do that. I mean, "Dangerously in Love" sounds F-ed up and falling off the rails on purpose. It is a long that ALWAYS sounds like crap. What an odd choice. I also don't believe anyone ever connects from voters when doing songs by: a) Alicia Keys b) Mary J. Blige c) Beyoncé. Oh well.
She has SUCH a Chicago accent. And oh WAIT, she's doing the A.J. song from yesterday? That is SUCH a BITCH MOVE. Along with wearing knee-length leggings under a skirt. That whole outfit is kind of sad. A drastic step backwards from last week. THE OUTFITS ARE ALL YOU HAVE. That ended really spazzily.
The picture of her and her boyfriend looks like a dating service Web ad. "I'm doing something hot tonight!" Oh wait a second, "Queen of the Night." I'm going to repeat that: "Queen of the Night." Once again, that's "Queen of the Night." Yes, "Queen of the Night." I am simply at a loss for words.
Oh no, the "he fills me up, he gives me love" song. KEY CHANGE! This is shrieky-ass-shrieky. Her outfit is crappy. Why does this end the show? Who is asleep at the switch? What am I doing here?
That ended badly. What a letdown. Oh, what was I expecting anyway.
Thank you, D.W. Griffith. That title is as true today as it was in 1909.
Offender One:
Offender Two:
As Pickles would say, "Is there room for any more ZAZZ up here?"
