Title courtesy the philosophical critical mind of Neon Fat Dude (NFD).
I hope someone does "I Sit Down When I Pee" because it is totally stuck in my head today. There are some dudes wearing stupid hats tonight. None of them are bald Donovan Leitch, who continues to need a hat desperately, stupid or not. Oh guess who's first?
His shirt is ill fitting in a clingy and weird way. He reminds me of that Fuzztones video in the insane asylum. Like he'd be a fake insane dude who would be in a music video in a fake insane asylum. Is he pear-shaped? I don't get it. You know, a HAT would balance that out.
"My suit here, this is how I'm doin' it, you know." Hey smoove, word. Oh no, "Let's Get It On"?! This is ill-advised. Yes, this song works great with awkward pointing gestures and stiff hopping around. Nice white sneakers with that suit. Um, I got nothing else. Is he rubbing his face?! I need to fast-forward through this or I might go sterile.
PLEASE MAKE THIS SHOW WORTHWHILE. Oh man. This is zestalicious and full of Raw Emotion. Do the lasso! Oh, A.J., bless you. It's all downhill from here.
Is there a picture of this outfit someplace? Because if you haven't seen it, you need to see it. His face just keeps sinking, like he's realizing he can't grasp the complexity of "steppin' out with my baby" and doesn't understand why those words are coming out of his mouth. Simon breaks out "ghastly." And he even pulled his hair back. THE HAIR IS ALL YOU HAVE. Ugh! I don't know what to do with these kids anymore.
Aww, he's married. That's cute, because he does look like he's 15. He's been saved by a woman! He's SEXING IT UP. Should I know what this song is? Ray LaMontagne? I don't even know who that is. Oh yeah, that WAS a Taylor song from last year. This is boring.
This is OK in a 98 Degrees kind of way. He does kind of look like someone at the bottom of the Lachey food chain. Aww, he's a nice guy, even if all his pictures employ the "MySpace angle." Oh wow, that fell apart quickly. Ack. At least he played it off ... sort of. I wonder if anyone will vote for him now that they know he has a girlfriend.
"Virtual Insanity," ah well, I look forward to this totally sucking. NICE HAT. I need to find a picture of that too, it looks like a shower cap with a brim (to the left, to the left). Oh no, beatboxing and a Jay Kay dance impression. A DANCE IMPRESSION. Why do I hate this guy so much? He must remind me of someone awful. Like HIMSELF. Simon is the voice of reason and calls him out on being a waste of time. I think we're all in agreeance here. Sweet Jesus, he calls what he does "vocal entendres." I have been justified.
Oh man, I totally thought this was "Lost in Love" when it started and then SHOCKING SWERVE, it is actually "Time After Time." It was boring. He was trying to FEEL IT, he says. Paula felt his heart. I have nothing else to say about this.
Haha, his pictures of his grandma are awesome. She looks like she'd kill you as soon as look at you. He's a little more Nick Carter than JT but I still like him OK. Dude needs to learn to project. Ugh, Jason Mraz. I guess everyone thought it was good? Yay?
I have a new name for this dude: BIG DUMP. Oh joy, "Mustang Sally." By comparison he makes the Commitments sound like the blackest shit ever. His chest hair is disgusting. Randy says he "dropped a bomb on 'em." Oh, indeed.
Ugh. Maybe next week A.J. can do "Doo Dah Doo Doo." That would make life worth living.
I'm drunk, let's get this over with. Chris: "You really gotta suck to get out in this round." Yes. YES.
Paula is wearing some "Rush Rush" set costume leftovers tonight.
OMG this season we have special guest helpers Jennifer Lopez and LULU?! And her former brother-in-law The Barry Gibb Talk Show?! I'm psyyyyyyched.
I love that they do an Up With People musical number tonight. They did not do enough of these last year.
Fast forward fast forward fast forward DON'T KEEP THIS DUDE WHO SUCKS UGH I HATE AMERICA fast forward fast forward
He's wearing shoes tonight, right? OMG he already packed it in and compromised his integrity and lost his muse. He brought this upon himself.
Fast forward fast forward fast forward UGH DON'T KEEP THAT ONE GIRL WHO SUCKS UGH fast forward
Uh ... no big loss. That's what singing those crappy ass Bonnie Raitt songs will get you.
I was hoping they were going to swerve us and send this piece of garbage home instead but nah. Well if all I have to remember you by is this crazy cracked-out Erykah Badu impression, then by God it was all worth it. This blog entry is titled in your honor with some of the few words I could understand during your performance. Go get it sister!
AMERICA
LOVES
ZEST!
Aww Rudy. I enjoyed the other dudes giving him death stares when Paula gave him the big ups. GO RUDY. YOU THE MAN. You were terrible, but you were my kind of terrible. And I, too, am just thankful for this experience.
P.S. I always love the "memories" packages for the people who didn't last past the first episode. Hey, remember when they walked through the double doors at the convention center? I loved that!
Now FIRE 'EM UP RUDY!
Paula's bosoms are way boinging out tonight.
So cute, loved her, blah blah OK.
Oh good, let's get one of those Bonnie Raitt songs I can't bear hearing out of the way. I look forward to "Something to Talk About," no I don't actually. She was boring and I'm tired of this song and snore.
Cute outfit. She annoys me. "Oh look at me dance like a goof, isn't it funny," oh no it's not. Maybe she has an OK voice but this was awful. "A REEEEEAL WOMAN!" What the hell?
When she introduced herself as a "professional singer" I fell out laughing but then she started singing and I guess OK, she's OK. Also she looks 54 and her outfit scared me.
Is this a joke? She is a horror. Can they go back and switch her out with the one they paired her with and cut at the end of the audition round? Please? Because I think I remember she was good and cute. "What can I do better," oh shut up, please leave.
Aww, she's cute. She can sing a Tracy Chapman song and I don't hate it. No more dresses over jeans please.
Paging Kristen Wiig. What the ... what. What just happened. I think my brain broke.
This is some Disney cartoon singing. You don't do Jim Steinman with a SMILE. Bleah.
I guess it's an Arethathon tonight. Aww she's cute though. Teeths are a little scary but I like her.
She's all cute and I wanted to like her but ugh. At least she did a Pretenders song that wasn't "I'll Stand by You." I get the feeling she doesn't know what half the lyrics actually mean though.
Oh, that outfit. Ack. I like her and I don't know why. I guess she's OK? Ugh, that outfit though.
No more "sex faces" please. And I am telling you I am tired of hearing this song. I loved seeing AJ put some zest on it though.
I have the feeling the highlight of every show this season is going to involve AJ and zest. As long as he sticks around. Sigh. I miss Elliott.
AI07. Oh it's on bitches. I'm gonna need a lot of hot butter for all the corn that's popping on this TV.
Tonight Paula Abdul looks like a dwarf Ann-Margret ca. 1983.
Oh Rudy, Rudy no, Rudy Rudy no nooooo no. I can no longer get behind the Latino Gary Lewis action you are rocking. If I was really motivated I'd transcribe the performance because I'm fairly certain half the lyrics were not actual words and it would be hilarious. I mean it's "Free Ride," and it's not like the word "on" is difficult to pronounce. The name Jackie Rogers Jr. comes to mind. This is not going well.
What up smoove. Oh, nothing, I'm bored. I want to root for you but you bore me. What is the point of people tucking in one side of their shirttail but not the other, by the way? I hate that. I mean the button's always too high above the waistband and there's a gap and it's gross. Also I hate the YOU'RE NOT A BACKGROUND SINGER ANYMORE! theme this year. Over it.
Oh yes, some HAM to go with this corn. This dude hasn't done anything to me personally or anything, but I actively dislike him and don't know why he's here. P.S. "you" is not pronounced "yo" and "Nights in White Satin" is not a jig, and the human skintone should not be fluorescent pink-orange. When you make Ryan's fake tan look natural, there is something very wrong.
Yes? No. NO. Oh wow, he doesn't wear shoes, what a remarkable talking point, like Ace and his magic hats. His parents are cute. His singing is terrible. NEEDS IMPROVEMENT!
Hi! Um ... you seem nice. You sing Elliott songs, however not as well. But um ... you seem nice! Hi! I like you. I hope AI hooks you up with some Proactiv.
I kept thinking they must have been holding back this guy being awesome or something for all his BACKSTORY and his GETTING ANOTHER SHOT and blah blah but I never thought he was that good from what they showed and my mind has not been changed. I mean snore, my man. Wicked accent though.
Ugh. UGH. My Keane smokes this guy's Keane. My Keane makes actual people weep from the RAW EMOTION. This sucked and I'm outraged that the judges thought it was not just good but great? This was SO BAD. SO BAD. I can't get over how bad. Also this dude needs to quit pointing at me. SO BAD.
Ohhh wispy wispy wispy. I miss the chocolate milk moustache. The dude's hair is awesome though. Nice choker. That last part was sarcastic. Remember when Elliott sang this and it was awesome? This was not awesome.
If he makes it to the final, can he get teamed up with Flo and Eddie? I would love that. He's one of those people that I like to the total surprise of my own self but would likely make me hate him on a dime and he came close to that tonight. I'm tired of people mouthing off to Simon and in such an obviously previously rehearsed fashion. BORING.
Hey smoove. What's happening. This dude is OK. Too much pointing though. I don't like these strangers pointing at me. I DON'T KNOW YOU.
Lemon fresh. SASSY. The zest is phenomenal. I ... I have nothing else to say but damn, that was zesty. I mean that in the best possible way.
Clearly what the world needs is a bald Donovan Leitch. When they did that whole thing with the baby and all that on the audition show this was me at my TV: "OH SHUT UP." But the dude's a sailor. I can't hate on a sailor. Also he seems not annoying and his wife is cute and this started off so bad and then he got good so fair enough. He needs a hat like that other dude needs shoes though.
Ugh. Bleak. I miss Elliott. *sob*
If anyone can remind me what I sang tonight, now would be the time to do it:
"Girl Don't Come" by Sandie Shaw
"Magic" by Pilot
"Driver's Seat" by Sniff 'n' the Tears
"Sucked Out" by Superdrag
"Big Bang Baby" by Stone Temple Pilots
Oh yeah, that's it.