Bad sneakers and a piña colada, my friend

Is it possible to be in love with a pair of sneakers?

Yes. Yes, I think so.

It's all fun and games ... until somebody gets raped.

Now that's how you sell a TV show.

I don't even know where to start because Idols is making me tired. I'm tired of these people. I'm tired of sitting there and having nothing to say about, well, most of them other than "???" and "...".

I think it's that I miss Crazy Smile Man.

Oh, Crazy Smile Man. You left us far too soon. The INJUSTICE. You hardly got a chance to "show the world what God has created," or whatever it was you said that ruled and I need to write it down and remember it for future occasions. This, THIS is why Season 5 can blow me.


I don't remember how she left or why or even what she was wearing. Oh well.


Well at least she can face the future now knowing she's a failure at something.


Oh, and I DON'T actually hate "Her Town Too." Jane, as always you are my rock.

And then we get to the final 12 and THIS crap happens.

Heyyyy slutty. OK, she forgot the words and blah blah but at least she wasn't a creepy midget psychopath.

Which meant the next week was pretty hot, though, right.

Now, THIS guy. THIS GUY. Seriously, what is it with this season where almost everyone on this show is positively delusional and getting WORSE. Like THIS GUY. This mouthy little goon really thought he ... had a shot? Had fans? He had an ATTITUDE. THIS GUY!!!! THIS GUY HAS THE NERVE TO HAVE AN ATTITUDE!!! So what we've all learned is that the world owes guys like this guy -- THIS GUY -- a living. Great. And I can, you know, F the F off. Actually, this is the primary lesson I'm getting from my daily life of late. Yeah, you know. Oh well.

Oh oh oh oh, Ike on "South Park" is dressed like a businessman and carrying a briefcase and I just started crying a little bit.

Back to the show, right. Are we all caught up almost? Kind of? OK!

You know, if you're going to go out, at least go out looking like you're posing for the box cover of Portrait of a Teenage Whore. I was caught up in a particularly sexy episode of Sexy Victims Unit so I totally missed the song but it did not sound cute in the replays. I'm sure it was that eyeshadow what done her in anyway.


Oh yeah, delusional. This one is full-on wholesale gone out of control delusional. I was screaming in terror from that song, augh. And how PISSED was she to be in the bottom three? Delicious.


Enough already. Enough. I was exaggerating up there about screaming in terror, as I was actually screaming in terror HERE. Literally. I can't take anymore of this butt ass butt. The hair thing. The HAIR THING. Yeah, you remember. Don't act like you don't.

I really need a picture of Ike in his little businessman outfit. Oh man.

This dude rules.


I didn't hate her last week, but this week?
"???"
"..."
I did like that she made herself up like a crazy person, though.


It was a little screamy.


These last two weeks have been ... I'll say "atrocious." It's like when I was at the grocery store and I'm going blind and there's this Kemps ice cream called "Cow Tracks" but I thought the carton said "Cow Tragedy." This was a Cow Tragedy.


I seriously don't know how this guy is managing to stick around, but whatever.


Do not get me started on his Active Rock® boring ass boring boring ass. I was at Joey's Only for All-You-Can-Eat-Shrimp Night with my folks, right, and Nickelback comes on and my dad is all, "Is this the bald guy from Idol?" NICKELBACK. Do we REALLY need another CASEY CHASEY CHAD CHAZ whatever ANOTHER ONE OF THAT DUDE FROM NICKELBACK? Hahahahaha Creed. Dude! Creed sucks dude! Thank goodness the Scream 3 soundtrack was useful for SOMETHING. To someone. Somewhere. Maybe.

Did Ike just say "I'm tripping balls"? Oh my God. I love this show.

Simon tends to reflect my thoughts pretty well, so I'm a little sad he didn't tell this guy, You know, if the challenge lies in performing a relatively current and popular song that people can measure against the original, it's a pretty pussed out move to do a song that nobody F-ing knows. Which is, uh, what I said. The path of least resistance works really well for some people and I am just tired and tired and tired and TIRED of THOSE PEOPLE. Please die in the face, you and your demented homeless lady vacant retard smile.

As Rosemary Woodhouse would say, "Pain begone, I will have no more of thee." Then again, she was knocked up by Satan.

This means something.

EDIT: Oh oh oh look!

I swear I didn't cheat

I really didn't!

Because I damn well felt like doing it

I know I have things to catch up on, but all I really cared about over the last couple weeks is getting some posters framed.

Hair in curls, not quite as tall as the other girls

Apropos of nothing: Chloe? What? I saw half that collection at Braun's in 1985 and the other half in Contempo Casuals five years later.

For the record: Paula's rack terrifies me.

I have an excuse to keep this short. First, a toast to those who are gone:

Apparently America doesn't like boobs all that much.


At least she didn't burn any bridges on her way out. Oh wait


My people aren't known for giving up on my people (see Season 3), so this is some kind of phenomenon of nature.


it's nice to know something can actually go my way every once in a while.

- - - - -
And now, LADIES.

What up, seafoam eye shadow. Zzzzzzz. I don't care about either of these people anymore. Who even does "Conga" WILLINGLY?! That is a sign of mental deficiency.


Heyyyy slutty. Why is it that she looks so cute during the boys' show and looks so scary when she is attempting to make an impression on God and Everyone? I think she may have broken the skank machine. I still like her. I fear for her (and her outfits!!!), but I still like her.


I actually like this song (I reserve apology) but woof wooooof. Also, she looked like a Hee Haw Honey who got dragged out of the Death Star trash compactor. Paula said she liked her outfit, so I crave whatever sweet, sweet candy Paula is snacking on. I'm sorry, because you seem like a nice lady.


What? Huh? Were those kung-fu jodhpurs? Am I supposed to know this song? Am I supposed to like it? Did she buy those shoes at the eLUXURY sale? Actually those looked like some fly shoes, though. I've got nothing else here. Tank toooooooops


Did my eyes deceive me, or did two out of three background singers manage a Black Power salute during this? I have taken a one-way ticket to Crazy Town featuring Shifty Shellshock.


God is great, y'all.


If she gets any more corny I will become allergic to corn. WATCH IT.
- - - - -
DUDES.

I am now officially obsessed with Crazy Smile Man. Like, a good obsessed. Like he rules. I could watch his clips all day long, and I usually hate those from everybody. HE IS, ALSO. A PAIN-TER.


It's not that I don't like him, I'm just tired of this Active Rock® bullshit he keeps barking at me. I eagerly await HIS "Gloria Estefan Tribute" moment. Or at least one rendition of "It's Been Awhile." Maybe he's already done that even. Also: still porny.


The transition from "rap" and "gangsta" and "Kanye West motivates me as a performer" to a raging junior high choir solo recital at Northtown Mall rendition of "Vincent" may have provided me with my one true moment of pure entertainment this week. SCREAMING was involved. But I can't look at or listen to him. He makes John Stevens IV look like Liam Gallagher.


I liked this, so I must have completely lost my mind. Although those lyrics, what was up with that. A little eww.


When they said before the break he was going to do James Taylor I yelled "OH MY GOD NO, HE'S GOING TO DO 'HANDY MAN.'" I was glad I was wrong, but not for very long. Are there any James Taylor songs I don't completely despise? Tell me, I'm curious to know.


First of all, from the C-Cross to the McD, this man is out to tarnish the name of Yacht Rock and the entire holy legacy of Really Smooth Music. THEN, WTF people, bunny suit, Flaming Lips Reject, HELLO??? That was a GAUNTLET. This man is clearly out to get me. Oh, it's on. P.S., My McD is far more accomplished. (And smoooth.)


If he ends up getting tossed out for this, I may actually cry real girl tears.


Did he sing "Smeg my dreams come true"?! I think he did. Hahahaha he had to do "odd jobs" when he moved to Hollywood! He did things he NEVER IMAGINED HE COULD DO! So begins a little cautionary tale known as "Boys on Hollywood Blvd." by Elite. Read it. Learn it. Live it.

If I'm being perfectly honest with you, [blank]

I know I didn't do it last year. My heart wasn't in it, or it was too much work, or I hated everyone, or I don't know. I guess I thought it was a wasted effort, which, you know, it kind of is.

But I really really need to get something to get me writing again, with no more of this two-posts-a-month-(about-Brad Miller) nonsense, and in the absence of a new In the Kingdom of the Blind in my life -- ack, that was actually a year ago?! -- I guess it's got to be Idol.

At least Chris keeps yelling at me: "DO IT. DOOOO IIIIIT!" because, see, the horror is, he's been really busy watching "Deal or No Deal." That show actually plays on a TV in our house. This is a sad fact of life, and I feel that by admitting it in a public forum I am well on my way to recovery, as though Detective Olivia Benson is right here saying, "I promise you everything is going to be OK ... just tell us who did this to you." And I believe her.

So yeah, Idol. Is it my imagination, or are there a lot of really porny people this season? Even the children. I don't get it. Also, I hate practically everyone, which should make this a really exciting year. Tonight was so awful, I needed to watch the new Yacht Rock just to muster up the courage and inspiration to soldier on.

I don't know even where to start with this, so I guess I'll start with the people who are gone.

I'm not going to miss Patrick, but I am going to miss "Patrick's Friends," a.k.a. David Gest and Amanda Lepore. DID YOU SEE THEM?!?! Oh my GOD, they were nutrageous. When that one dude did the awful "Crazy Little Thing Called Love," I kept rewinding to them and pausing on them to dull the pain. They were FANTASTIC. Oh well. No more "Patrick's Friends." You left us far too soon. I'm pouring out a little crazy juice for you.


Hey, you know what? No.


Aww, Stevie. Remember Stevie? She was nice, Stevie. I knew she was history before the show even started. I feel bad. Sorry, Stevie!


I am so relieved she's gone, because I don't know how long I would have been able to come up with new "Nightcap" plot descriptions, as week after week Nikki Fritz's sexy cousin Tawny (Becky O'Donohue) surprises the "Nightcap" gang with a sexy performance in the club ... and a sexy secret is revealed! Vic: Scott Duc. Thaddeus: Trevor Dean. Seriously, this lady has Beeftink written all over her.

- - - - -
OK, now there are a bunch of ladies, and many of them kind of run together into a big blur. And please please please stop with the Faith Hill songs. Just stop it. Stop stop stoooop. I don't even know they're actually Faith Hill songs and yet I know they're Faith Hill songs. Stop stop stop stooooop you are all putting me to sleep please stop.

Who's this lady again? Oh yeah, she has a rack. NEXT


When she realizes she has the stage presence of a drunk zombie poodle, she is going to be very sad and "lose her smile" or something. Seriously, between her, Crazy Smile Man and Flaming Lips Reject, this is like a banner year for the disabled. Did you actually listen to her this week? White girl, cease with the riffing. You are an embarrassment. Otherwise, you seem nice and I feel bad you have a stage mom and I'm sorry I'm saying all these horrible things about you. :-*


That honeymoon sure ended quick. I can't say it much better than was said here: "The song is 'Midnight Train to Georgia,' not 'C'mon Ride the Train.'"


If I learn nothing else from Idol this year, I have learned the key to becoming more of a lady is a) tank tops (tank tooops! holla!) and b) an F-ton of blush. She reminds me of the "Home Movies" episode where Melissa just kept putting on more and more makeup until Paula had to make an intervention. She is on a fast track to a diet pill addiction or secret cutting.


I like her! I really do! Even though she was looking way too porny this week! I like her! She's gotten shafted by the pre-competition editing process! I can relate! I like her! I fear her outfits! But I like her!


I want to love you, but you make it so difficult.


I thought she was like 40 years old last week. Poor thing. I liked her better this week but that is really, really not saying much of anything. I ... I have nothing else to say about her. That's bad for business!


Oops, not technically a girl. Hold up


HEY! HEY EVERYBODY! DID YOU KNOW LISA WAS IN "THE LION KING"? By which I mean A STAGE PRODUCTION OF "THE LION KING" THAT WAS PRODUCED ON A STAGE ... SOMEWHERE? SHE WAS! SHE WAS IN "THE LION KING"! SHE IS 16 AND TALENTED BEYOND HER YEARS! DID YOU KNOW THAT? SHE LOOKS LIKE AALIYAH WITH BAD HAIR! SHE WI-I-I-I-LL BE SHE WILL BE FREE-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E


If she sings a Jim Steinman song next week, I will pee myself.


My secret shame: I've bought into it. I have. The whole I don't know nuthin' 'bout nuthin' but singin' aww my daydee's in lockup etc. Shameful. I need a time out.

- - - - -
Now there are some guys, and I don't think I can describe them any better than my mom, who calls them "a simple bunch of simpletons." My mom is a genius.

Hello Benetint II. Ugh. I hate this guy. Everything that comes out of his mouth makes me sterile. Pack up your Daniel Bedingfield and gooooo.


This guy is a badass. This guy rules. He made one of the Felonious Twins hate him. He is a genius. He's the only person I could see myself maybe placing a vote for if I ever found myself in a really, really dark, empty place, the kind of dark, empty place that can only be found deep inside the antisoul of someone who has nothing else to do with their time than cast Idol votes. (Yeah, I've done it. Yeah. Yeah, I know. I KNOW. Shut up.)


Just not that good. Is his daydee in lockup? I don't see any other reason to keep him around.


After tonight, I cannot rep you, my Filipino brother. I'm sorry, but no. I SAID NO.


Oh my God, Crazy Smile Man. This dude trips me out. I think he's an alien. He speaks like an autist. His voiceovers are bananas. I'd keep him around just for that. Bravo, Crazy Smile Man!


Please make it stop.


Everyone's all ooh ahh and I'm like dude whatever. Also: PORNY. Look at him. It's GROSS. Also, eew, Fuel?! Fuel?! Are you high?! Ask Jane to tell you her Fuel story the next time you see her. There may be a CROTCH in it!


Lord, why do You test me like this? What did I do?! Seriously, what did I do?!


Did you hear someone screaming NO-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O earlier tonight? That was me after this dude said he was singing "Lady."


This is Flaming Lips Reject. That's what I called him from Show One and that's what he is. Look at him. Now, I was raised to be a good girl. I was taught the mentally and physically disabled were not put here for my entertainment. I now know that shit is 100 percent correct.