"Monk," have you seen it? It blows. Some people at Christopher's message board somehow got it in their heads that "Monk" would be like the show of his dreams or something and that he should watch it, and now look what's happened, we've watched it for two weeks in a row and it stinks. For the record, he can take it or leave it, but it gives me like some horrible TV virus.
First of all, who wants to watch Tony Shalhoub for an hour? I know some people do, but woof. Of course, I would gladly watch a show that is based entirely around Enrique Murciano smirking and threatening people for an hour, but what do I know? Pretty good television, obviously.
It's like ... the Monk character is written so BIG AND HAMFISTED but he downplays it all tiny and that's supposed to equivocate the APEX OF DEFT COMEDIC GENIUS! when really it's like, he's just being Andy Kaufman on "Taxi" without the accent. This show is so precious and cute and in love with itself that it puts me on the rag. HIS NAME IS MONK! BUT HE'S NOT A MONK! IT'S CRAZY! Also, it looks like crap, like it's shot at a domed community for the elderly someplace in Saskatchewan. Did I happen to mention I hate this show?
And P.S., how did they get Randy Newman to contribute a theme song anyway. "Dude WTF," you are probably saying, "how can you derogate Tony Shalhoub and praise Randy Newman?" Oho, some mysteries cannot be explained. The one good thing that came out of this is that Christopher and I now take turns coming up with our own "Randy Newman's Theme From Monk," such as
Let me tell ya 'bout a guy named Monk
He's on a show called "Monk"
'Bout a guy named Monk, yup
He's solvin' crimes an' washin' his hands a lot
We gonna watch it right now
Hey there! We gonna
We gonna watch it right now
Oh man, I love me some Randy Newman. Why can't he do a theme for a decent show? Like if he did one for "Without a Trace," that would be outstanding.
People
They go missin'
And then there's people
Who find the people goin' missin'
Ooh, I'll have to keep working on that one.
Wow, today's Sun sure had some great pictures of celebrities looking ugly and disgusting. They rarely disappoint. Eew girl, eew:
click to enlarge!
If you saw A Life Less Ordinary in the theater, you may recall she looked like that throughout the entire movie. If you sat as close to the screen as I did, anyway. I guess J.T. really likes those girls who look ghastly without makeup. Now, let's check out a functional retard!
click to enlarge, if you like that sort of thing
It's ironic that the same people who worship Ryan Adams are often the same people who find Christina Aguilera repulsive. Why anyone would want to "do" this obnoxious pig is beyond me. I'm sure you could catch something vile just standing next to him. Remember when he was mildly talented? Wow those were the days.
Mystery solved -- the song from that new VW Phaeton commercial is Stereolab's "Fiery Yellow." Ohh, that was bugging me like you wouldn't believe. Thanks to um some Stereolab fansite, I can't remember which. But man that was bugging me. Not enough to get me to go through my albums and pick it out, though. Plus I was thinking it was either Stereolab or Broadcast and blah blah. I just waited for the Internet to do the work for me. Wow this Internet, it's great.
I'm so happy Jennifer Lopez finally got rid of that horrible, horrible man. I read the Enquirer, I know what's up. I hope she finally finds someone who deserves and appreciates her BEAUTY and TALENT and oh, all the great things she has and is. Someone like hmm, Jane's brother maybe? (She'll probably just go back to eew, Puffy though. I read the Enquirer, I know what's up.)
When will local news stop with the stories about old ladies crying over their lost dogs? People lose their pets, my God, that is not news. Every time I see one of these stupid packages now all I can think of was the one a month or two ago where the old bag had a) left her dog in her car when she went shopping and b) left the doors unlocked. Unlocked! They should have stolen some more stuff from her while they were at it, because clearly that woman does not deserve to own anything at all. Surprisingly, the news story was not about how the dognappers were doing the dog a favor. There she was, all hysterical about how she couldn't live without her dog, the precious dog she left in her car with the doors unlocked while she went shopping. Maybe the dog got out of the car! Maybe he escaped to sweet sweet freedom! That would rule.
From the archives: simply the greatest picture of Nicole Kidman, ever.
Click to enlarge ... if you dare
In case you were wondering, yes, I do think she's a scary freak.
Can I just say that I love love LOVE ecto, no-initial-cap aside. It is a swell update of Kung-Log for the 2K4. I didn't "dig" (as the young people would say) Kung-Log because it didn't format my stuff correctly, plus the name brought taking a dump to mind. So this is good stuff, right. No more slooooow updating in my browser! I can publish whatever stupid thing comes into mind with The Greatest of Ease. I'd go as far to say I can publish the shit out of it. Oh so much glee.
My new favorite song. As found on this album:
Here is the CD reissue cover version, updated retro stylee for the 2K:
Since I don't wish to contribute money to what may essentially turn out to be the MJ Defense Fund, I can't bring myself to buy it. All I want to know is, why did they crop out that bent metal thingie in the foreground? THAT'S HIS THING MAN
Bands I considered using instead of Salem 66 in the last entry:
First Guadalcanal Diary (ugh ugh ugh), Code Blue (uh what), now this. OK now, we need to have a talk. It has become clear that someone at Rhino Handmade is stuck in a really crappy sector of the '80s. Make that subsector. Hey guess what, I have this album. It cost me an entire dime. I have never ever listened to it. I'm sure it's a perfectly tolerable album (not that I could even muster the energy to put it on the turntable once), but I certainly don't think I could sell this original copy for $19.95, bonus tracks or no, you know? $19.95, that's practically 20 whole dollars. So I must ask you, Rhino Handmade, where your quality control has gone. Next thing you know, you'll be offering, like, The Compleat What Is This? Anthology for $49.99 or something when there are so many other artists worthy of reissue and being reissued first, right. And I like What Is This? even. So even though I really really want that Neon Philharmonic collection (ooh check it out), I'm sorry, I can't give you any money if you're just going to sink it into Salem 66: All Their Best.
Uta Hagen: Dead. It's unfortunate that the thing she brings to mind most prominently is how this guy in college used to do dramatic reenactments of the cover of Respect for Acting:
You can see how anyone would find this hilarious.
Not quite dead yet: Spaulding Gray. The only thing he ever brings to mind: his porn ouevre. Let me tell you something, the sight of Spaulding Gray doing it is not cute. (The Opening of Misty Beethoven is highly recommended for its production design alone, however.)
This made my day, even if the clips are too short. I highly recommend everything, especially the TOTP clips in which Green just kind of stabs indiscriminately at his guitar every so often, he's such a genius. Also the "She's a Woman" video because it's always such a thrill when he dresses "street." Green, you're a treasure, don't ever change.
WTF, both Tom Green and Scott Stapp on "Celebrity Poker Showdown"? This is like some kind of horrible nightmare. I'm sensing David Cross could make a whole HBO special out of this experience alone. Compared to his last one it might even be FUNNY, haw haw.
OH MY GOD. OH MY DEAR LORD. WHO IS IT BUTCHERING DAVID GATES' "GOODBYE GIRL" AS RECORDED FOR THE TELEVISED CINEMATIC BUTCHERING OF "GOODBYE GIRL" FOR THE 2K4 ON TNT. My husband wagers it is Hootie and the Blowfish. I did not want to believe it was Hootie and the Blowfish but you know what, he is correct. It is HOOTIE AND THE BLOWFISH. Butchering DAVID GATES. I AM OUTRAGED.
Apropos of that last entry, I have GOT to read this book.
So I was minding my own business searching around on Yahoo! news to get the latest on a certain B.S. who has clearly lost her mind (well, I guess that means I was minding someone else's business) and this horribly inappropriate banner just LEAPS off the page at me.
What what now?
This of course reminded me that I was at one time collecting print ads in which whitish substances are smeared haphazardly across peoples' faces, usually children's faces honestly, because over the last couple of years there have been just waaay too many ads with that going on, and I was planning on putting them up online and whatnot but of course, the laziness set in. Also, it's totally vile. I mean, all those ranch dressing ads alone, come on people, how stupid do we look to you? Pretty stupid I guess, because there's that one with the little Asian kid in the cowboy hat and not only does he have ranch dressing smeared all over his face, but he is also holding a CARROT. Yes.
At least this one is a bit more "adult" which is almost refreshing in the canon of Ads Featuring Models Smeared With Ejaculate Substitutes. It reminded me of this one, which I'd of course been saving lo these many years.
The model's eyeline is the key here, I think. What's it an ad for? Al Italia Airlines. Of course! Ooh, fly me.
Ooh look a makeover. I'm feeling restless again! I think the purple text for links and stuff is a bit too ... neon for my tastes really but I had to do something that matched my new spektakulon title grafik up there since it made the old purple look all grimy. Maybe I'll get used to it, maybe I WON'T. Also maybe now I'll turn my attention to adding more postcards and things to the main site over yonder if I'm feeling so itchy to be creative.
This was also, I might add, spurred on by my discovery that Extensis released an update to Suitcase X1 that was supposed to address compatibility issues with Panther and guess what? It ... still BLOWS. I'm like, hey, can I install more than 50 fonts into this thing at one time without it crashing? Woo woo no! I can't. What a charming feature, I love it. So I went back to the old reliable sturdy huggable Font Reserve yet again and I am still certain that Extensis is never going to update it ever. I bet they would even do anti-updates that would devolve its functionality back in time if they could, like it would suddenly work with OS 7 only or something. Font Reserve 3.1.3, now System 8.5 compatible! Hahaha. Oh man Extensis, way to start 2004 on my butt list.
