Drop it, dude, drop it hard!

Ryan sure has aged a lot in a week! Oh wait, that's Michael Buffer. (So that WAS him before? Chilling!) I dream that these two drips actually will spend the evening punching each other out, but I fear my dreams will go unrealized. Much like this entire suckwad season. THIS is American Idol!

What's up baby, yeah yeah, Randy Jackson style. I realized that falling asleep on the couch until 4 a.m. was far more exciting than watching Tuesday's show, so I'm trying to burn through it as quickly as possible a day late, since I have little to no emotional investment in any of this other than to get it over with. Sad! Let's cry real tears ... together.

AND THE CROWD GOES MILD!

Boxing metaphors are tiresome. This heavyweight title is reserved only for superstars ... such as CHRIS DAUGHTRY! Wait. What?

Old white dudes appreciate American Idol! Our mentors this evening are Clive Davis and Andrew Lloyd Webber in a command performance.

How exciting is it to be here tonight? David C. asks the crowd to register how exciting it is, such as it is clearly so exciting for them to watch him perform, or something. God. GOD. Let's force our contestants to awkwardly compliment each other. David C. says David A. is "consistently nice."

I'm really freaked out by the woman in this McDonald ad saying "It's juicy." She's like a Manson girl. Chris replays her chewing in slo-mo. Then he imitates her chewing in slo-mo. We have a lot of fun here!

Clive Davis can suck it! I love the way they cut away from him as soon as he tries to SOAK IN THE APPLAUSE. He wants David C. to "capture the yearning of a generation," or something. Andrew Lloyd Webber continues to be daffily entertaining.

1) His "I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For" is about as exciting and magnetic as a carton of milk. Yeah, gesture to the crowd as if to "get them going." Gaaah. F-you and your giant disgusting misshapen head. 2) "Dream Big" is I guess one of those shitty song contest things. It is dull and tuneless, which means its just right for Sir Douche-a-Lot here, I mean OH MY GOD I WILL BUY 1,000 COPIES OF THIS ON CD AND MUSICASSETTE THE DAY IT COMES OUT BECAUSE IT ROCKS SO HARD JUST LIKE DAVID COOK THE NEXT AMERICAN IDOL!!!!! Randy offers up "singing your face off" and I wish it was meant literally. 3) As a finale out of all the songs on God's green AI songbook he gives us "The World I Know," as popularized by Collective Soul. Yup. Uh. REAL (maybe) TEARS! Probably 'cause he realizes it's all downhill from here. Simon looks unimpressed! No shit! Then Simon actually calls him "sincere" which is the true SHOCKER of the entire night.

SOMEONE MAKE THIS BOXING DUDE SHUT UP

1) Chris hopes he sings "Don't Let the Sun Go Down on Me" just like Forest Whitaker. Sing it hard! Put that zest on it! Am I completely high or is this completely tolerable? Jason Castro approves! 2) "In this Moment" proves that there are people on this planet who should not be allowed to write songs. This is like on some fake Josh Groban shit up in here! Actually it's a total rip on that one Jon Secada song, right? The anchors on his jacket are a secret sign to Dollie. ZESTIFY! Constantine Maroulis approves! 3) "Imagine" once again, rockin' it white windbreaker style. ZEST MADNESS! OK, his emotional overractions to everything now no longer irritate me but instead make me genuinely worry for the state of this child's headspace. It's like he's destined for a remake of Bad Ronald.

OK, so for that last one it's Collective Soul vs. John Lennon. STAKES IS HIGH, folks!!! (Don't get me wrong, I enjoy Collective Soul far more than anyone really has a right to, but JESUS, gaah, I mean—JESUS!!!)

RUBEN!!! CELEBRATE ME HOME, RUBEN!!!!!! He still brings the magic, Ruben does.

TONIGHT, TONIGHT I'LL SEE MY LOVE (this season coming to an end) TONIGHT

Our finale begins with an apparent tribute to the cinematic wonder that is Two of a Kind:

It may be just about the gayest thing ever. THIS is American Idol!!! A record 97.5 million votes! Wow, what was the ratio, 56/44? I was half-paying-attention.

Let's join our sat teams in our finalists' hometowns! David C.'s people are graced by the delightful Mikalah Gordon, while David A.'s people are saddled with the rosy-cheeked windbag that is none other than Matt, I mean FATT Rogers. Hmm, interesting.

Our Top 12 return Up With People style, featuring the Juul Haalmeyer dancers. GET READY! Carly can't dance. David H., how I have missed the zest that you bring. Janice Dickinson approves! Although truthfully she ALWAYS looks that way, so who knows.

The Davids perform "Hero," what a shocking selection. David A. has got some full-on windbreaker hotness going on. Watch out! You have to take the joy where you can find it when you're forced into a shameless and seemingly endless promo for that shitty new Mike Myers movie. Someone's watched The Party too many times. Birdie num-nums!

"Waiting for You" starts up and poor Chris is visibly very, very disappointed to see his man Seal out there with THAT SYESHA.

Seal is totally sleepwalking, yet putting her completely to shame. This is the best group of Idol talent to date, people! They should put Elliott out there with him, man, that would be sweet. Seal can put him on his shoulders and dance around and stuff. I will not rest until this happens.

This show is just CRAWLING, isn't it? Gaaaah.

Let's welcome back Jason Castro to perform "Hallelujah"! Oh Jason, how I have missed having you in my life these past two weeks, and your delightful appearance on Idol Rewind did little to console me. No, RICKEY MINOR! and the band, you CANNOT contain him with your so-called "steady beat," do not dare to tame his creative sense of rhythm!!!!

Let's look back at our FORD MUSIC VIDEO MAGIC BLOOPER MOMENTS! set to the tune of whatever, it was boring, I don't care.

You know David A.'s dad is gonna confiscate that car mad quick.

Our Top 6 ladies work hard for the money! Brooke sounds chillingly like Donna Summer. She does not dance like her, however. Amanda just wants to get it over with. Carly and her high-tension black support hose need some hot stuff tonight! Donna Summer materializes before us, looking younger than Syesha could ever hope to! These are some hard-luck lyrics, damn. Ryan gets in on some hot dancing action, bless his soul. Donna hands off her sparkly diva mic to Syesha in a shocking display of goodwill. Let's dance the last dance tonight! Wait, you mean there's like 75 minutes left of this show? Oh shoot.

Carly and Michael, please team up for a tiresome "switched up" version of "The Letter" so that we can waste more time that would otherwise be populated with actual talent! Am I insane or is Carly's dress a little cute? They should take this act on the road, I'm sure their respective spouses would LOVE that. I expect to see them on Grand Casino Hinckley commercials any moment now.

No no, no, please no Jimmy Kimmel again, no, please no, no, I don't deserve this, no. SANJAYA SIGHTING!!!!

It's time to "rock out" with our Top 6 guys! David H., please tell us about your "Summer of 69," wink wink. CHIKEZIE! I'm finding it hard to believe we're in heaven, David C., for when you are on my television I am in HELL. Let's welcome noted photographer Bryan Adams to the stage!

Bryan, my friend, you look like a burn victim in HD. David A. approves! David C., stop touching the talent!

Bahahahaha David C. and ZZ Top bahahahahaha. Way to whiff, like, EVERYTHING, douche. I was FFWDing through the commercials and came in halfway to this and decided I did not need to see it from the beginning. ZZ Top looks about as excited to be here as I am.

Chris: "Mikalah gives the illusion of motion!"

Brooke and Graham Nash. Ohhhh boy. Chris: "She found someone who'd sit with her." P.S. if you're going to go barefoot and you know they're going to shoot you from below, maybe the bottoms of your feet should be CLEAN. Just a thought. This goes on for like five hours.

Thanks to that David C./Risky Business/Guitar Hero commercial, I can no longer have children. Just spooked it clear out of me. Jesus.

Have you seen this boy? He could have been standing right next to you. Fox puts the Twin Cities to the test: Would you recognize a missing person? TONIGHT on the Fox 9 News at 10!

And now, the Jonas Brothers featuring Penn Jillette. Chris: "Is this an age test?" The one in the middle is almost as whorish as Miley Cyrus. Those pants are tight, son.

Ghastly retread through bad auditions segment is saved by RENALDO and his HOT-ASS JAM about being brothers and best friends forever. Chris is very concerned about the welfare of Paula's boobs!

OneRepublic is a band I do not care enough to know about or watch in real time, but then oh wait, it's DAVID A. out to perform with this apparent Popular Music Combo! David A. is windbreakerless, I must note. SQUEALS! from the crowd and David A. both. That poor child is so awkward.

Let's go back to Utah with Matty, I mean FATTY Rogers, trying really hard to disturb an already poor family dynamic! Good work, Einstein!

Let's welcome Jordin Sparks, wearing a dress that would perhaps be appropriate for a 5-year-old girl in 1989. Which maybe she was then, I dunno, I'm too lazy to do the math. I'd guess it probably would have fit her just as well then, too. Chris: "If she got a butt, she should be showin' it!" I really should be in FFWD mode here, but Chris is far too entertaining. "Her legs go up to her boobs!"

And now, enjoy this extended promo for Tropic Thunder ill-disguised as a pre-taped "music-related" "comedy" "bit"—because "Midnight Train to Georgia" is always a song to be played for laughs!

Someone must have learned a lesson and put Carrie Underwood on lock when she won, 'cause here she is yet AGAIN, singin' 'bout bein' trashy. Extreme upskirt! This gets Chris' rapt attention for about 30 seconds until flashing lights begin to give him a seizure (or so he claims). Ashley Tisdale approves in a totally bitchy way!

If the David C./Risky Business/Guitar Hero commercial was scarring enough, the David A. version just took me to another dimension of crazy. Chris: "Maybe his dad had to approve the choice of underwear."

Tribute to George Michael! Well, we're gonna get him after all, bless. I'm disappointed they give "Faith" to the girls and not to Jason. Bad pre-taped vocal tracks! Bad! Man, David H. can sure get his groove on to "Father Figure," dang. I can outsing all these losers on "Freedom '90," real talk. I feel David H. has lived this song. Nice eyeliner, David C. Gag. Ooh, bring it, Chikezie! Now here's George to demonstrate what Raw Emotion™ is all about, oh hell yes.

"Praying for Time" is a metaphor for this show, don't you know. Carrie Underwood better be taking notes. I am mirroring George's hand motions and it is MAGICAL. Cry, Paula, cry!!! THAT'S RIGHT.

It's a big night on Fox 9 News: Hear from the Next American Idol FIRST! And see the first and oooooonly interview with Minnesota's latest Powerball winners. How are overweight women discriminated against? Talk with big weight losers about the big difference. TONIGHT on the Fox 9 News at 9!

Let's announce the winner already! Paula reminds us that sometimes it's the things we lose that teach us who we are as people. Now present us with the envelope, British person!

Ahh, what a fitting conclusion to the shittiest season of AI ever. I cannot be motivated to care one way or another. Chris: "Now he's boned! He wanted second SO BAD!!!"

MAN, he's an ugly crier.

Blecch. Are you happy now, America?! Ahhh, and so his mom is also his scary staring stalker:

It all makes sense now. Look, he's having the "Time of [His] Life," thanks to this shitty new AI winner song. Sing us out, watermelon head!

Yes, tonight is a very special night, for tonight ... tonight, we are ALL losers. But if nothing else ...

... at least we know someone's happy, no matter what. Thanks, Idol!

Posted by Kim at May 21, 2008 11:37 PM | The Sound of Breaking Glass