The reality is hard to swallow

Sue Simmons is gangsta. THIS is American Idol!

I thought last night I was just drunk enough to really get into the prospect of nine songs performed by three people whose existence I cannot bear to acknowledge, but instead it turned out I was just drunk enough to know better. I'm sober tonight! I will live to regret this!

LET'S REWIND SHALL WE

Paula looks especially adorable, surprisingly. At least this means I don't have to necessarily do this chronologically or anything. Justin Guarini sighting!

I really want to smack all three of these contestants, hard. Marilu Henner vaguely approves! Tonight in the spirit of SWITCHING IT UP, instead of judges picking songs for all three contestants (don't they usually? or am I crazy? well I know I'm crazy but), this time it's one judge per contestant, then the producers pick something for all of them, and then they choose something for themselves. If I were to choose, I would have selected "Rump Shaker" for David A., "I'm Henry VIII I Am" for David C. and NOTHING for Syesha as I do NOT want to hear her sing ONE MORE SONG EVER.

1) David's hometown mayor got his moustache waxed up real nice and wore his best patriotic dress shirt to tell him Paula has selected Billy Joel's "And So It Goes" for him. I don't know this song as Billy Joel is also someone whose existence I tend to deny, so I can't tell you if he's just making up the melody or not. I like that Members Only look! He appears especially anaesthetized this evening. Restraint is an admirable trait. Otherwise this is like, whatever. Randy is like, dope, it don't even matter, dude! 2) "With You" by Chris Brown! Too bad Mrs. Chris Brown isn't here to enjoy this. Hahahahaha "boo" hahahahahaha. Take it to that Loggins place! This is just ... whoa. This is so horrifying I think I might love it. Brave choice award! "Boo" made Randy uncomfortable. Simon is like, WTF. Creepy stage daddy gonna beat his ass tonight! 3) Baha, bahahaha, bahahaha, the producers gave him "Longer" by Mr. Dan Fogelberg, bahahaha. Nice translucent shirt. I have nothing more to say. Randy somehow proclaims it "hot," while Simon more wisely chooses "gooey." Hot and gooey! Gross!

1) Syesha is so unlikeable, she had to find out Randy chose "If I Ain't Got You" by Alicia Keys for her via text message while she was all by alone (with that cameraperson) in a car! That's cold. Clearly he's out to get rid of her since we all know how well it goes over when ladies sing songs by other ladies who are known to be popular for being singers who are popular. But she squawk want nothin' at all! Randy can see her heart beamin' and smilin'! He said she's "standing there at number three," ooh that says it all right there. 2) Syesha chose "Fever" as she "like[s] the vibe of the song." Whatever. She's going to use a PROP CHAIR and a PROP BASSIST. She's gonna do it with both of them! That lighting is unfortunate. Corny corn corn. Paula gonna smack her down 'cause bitches be like that. Simon gives it "lame cabaret," real talk. 3) Ryan proclaims it "the last chance for Syesha ... to make it to the finale." He's the king of the dramatic pause. Come hit her (up) tonight! Wow, a soundtrack song by a nobody. Witness your future, Syesha! The producers are out to get her too. This is both plastic and wooden, which is to say fake. Simon: "It's a song about penguins." Again with the birds, this one. Everyone's like ehh. No shit!

1) Prop stubble! David C. is also the victim of text message song choice, though at least he was live on his Local Fox Affiliate when it happened. Simon gives him "The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face," oh my. He's got itchy, watery eyes. The old ladies like it! Seriously, who is that creepy stalker old lady who's just standing there staring at him? I'm traumatized. Is that his mom? I'm confused and traumatized. HIGH NOTE must be a tribute to Jason. Randy wants him to rock, baby, he's a rocker! Everyone else is like ooh ahh. Whatever. 2) Switchfoot? Really? I'm gonna take a nap now. POSTURING. I shared Jane's mom's "The One With the Head" with my mom, and she quite enjoyed that. I feel like he should have a generic label T-shirt reading PERFORMER. Everyone believes he was challenged by his crappy taste in active rock! 3) "I Don't Want to Miss a Thing," well at least they give him a soundtrack song by a somebody. Prop string section! What a SURPRISE. Emote! Douche it up! That's right! Oh thank God it's over. Diane Warren approves (of the royalty check)! Frightening that I can recognize Diane Warren. Randy's like eh. Paula goes on an insane verbal rampage that goes about 100 mph. Simon proclaims this "one of the great songs of all time," probably 'cause Diane would stomp him if he didn't. Don't cross that lady!

SO HERE WE ARE, BOTH OF US LONELY, LONGING FOR SHELTER FROM ALL THAT WE SEE

Do we really need an hourlong results show? Really? Can I cry? Will you let me?

Simon is showing OUT OF CONTROL chest tonight. Also, Fantasia!

Our top three Up With People bring us "Ain't No Stoppin' Us Now." David A. brings us that windbreaker groove we've come to know and love. David C. and his gut attempt to "mean it" with "funky" strutting. Syesha, well, who cares. I believe Randy and Paula's disco moment will be the highlight of the show, aside from seeing one of these gimps finally get canned. They're on the move! Michael Buffer (that is Michael Buffer, right?) approves. Amanda! David H.! Chikezie! We are STAR PACKED.

The FORD MUSIC VIDEO is set to none other than that Los Lonely Boys song that made everyone completely insane for about a year and a half. Let's imagine ourselves in the lap of luxury, finalists. David A.'s face at the bottom of a pool! I do picture him living out some kind of Sunset Boulevard destiny, come to think of it.

Chris returns just in time to see the recap from last night. "Fogelberg? Oof!"

Fantasia is a sassy lady! She's been eating well. Get it, girl, you know what you love! Give us some Nona Hendryx, rock that halter jumpsuit, that's right. How depressing is it to compare this to those three drips on the couch? I mean, really. God love her.

David A. can't believe he's being called first! Let's go home with him. He's stoked and pumped! Witness that poor child being attacked by cheerleaders. Let's go to the mall! Aww, genuine tears of gratitude, bless him, let's just let him win now. Chris: "I'd give it all up for one hug from my dad." Chris would like to have the mayor's shirt, and also his moustache. Somehow I had a feeling. David A.: "It's so embarrassing, they showed me crying, gosh!" Learning three songs is a lot! It was too much for Jason to comprehend, so it must be true. Let's look back at his journey, since we probably won't see his goodbye video ever! Cut to commercial!

I wonder if Syesha's homecoming will compare to Katharine McPhee's backyard barbecue. Old white ladies are confused in her presence! Old white ladies throw babies at her! Try hard to muster up those tears, there you go. This is like a natural high for her recovering addict father. Chris: "Visit your Southern Ford dealer!" Old white ladies do handstands around her! Well, that was bizarre. Let's look back at her journey! She's all about sharing her gift with the world. Chris: "She didn't let those gifts out for several weeks." Now let's play that Fantasia song that landed her in the bottom three!

The gas game! How far are you willing to go to go further on a tank of gas?* Find out TONIGHT on the Fox 9 News at 9!

His brother got some ears on him. Let's go back to the sexy Midwest. He's wearing a henley 'cause he's a douche. He is unfazed by adulation 'cause he's so rock and roll. He throws out a pitch at a hometown ballgame just like My Elliott did 'cause he's a BITER. That was boring. "The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face" by Chaka Khan! I laugh and laugh. Let's look back at his journey! Let's hastily correct our mistake as Chaka Khan and Roberta Flack are so very easily confused, as are we!

I like how David C. is the first one to give himself a round of applause at Randy's bidding. Luke sighting! Who's going home? Who? WHO?!

Is it any surprise? David C. clearly isn't surprised. What a dick. Chris: "Every time anyone on my board said she was hot, they were wrong." Carly, Brooke, Michael, Kristy Lee and Ramiele are all there to celebrate her home! Surprisingly gracious in defeat, she is now free to walk the streets and addle more old white ladies. Live the dream!

Until the finale. CAN YA HEART STAND IT?

*Transcribed word for word. Seriously, WTF.

Posted by Kim at May 14, 2008 10:09 PM | The Sound of Breaking Glass