A sits in a sow

I couldn't bear to deal with this tonight as I'm not only deathly ill but also trying to finish off Tony Fletcher's Keith Moon biography (fabulous) and am too distracted by tales of the majesty and genius of real rock stars. Also, this makes David C.'s second choice of song especially painful. The greatest drummer in the history of the universe is about to croak and you give me THIS SHIT?!

Thankfully my better half has stepped up to take this task on with gusto!, and my detached viewing experience allowed me to finally realize that David A. equals RANDY VANWARMER.

Tonight's title is brought to you courtesy David C.'s DYNAMIC lyrical transformation of "Hungry Like the Wolf," a crime far worse than Jason choking on "jingle jangle morning." And remember: Syesha in the top four is at least as important as the Civil Rights Movement! Enjoy!

Kim is very sick - or maybe sick from watching me watch primary results - and said I could fill in for her tonight. EVERYBODY LOSES - NEXT

Well, there's only four and half of them are named David. Ryan tells us three have been #1 already - who could not have been #1? (Hint: RACISM + SEXISM) But enough of this fill in the blank style commentary... THIS.............
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...is aMERican Idol!

Quick, backstage during this animation!

Ryan emerges from the magic "The Price is Right" doors and promises that no matter what, there's only two weeks left of this crap this go round. Let's say hi to the judges! Hi, judges!

Here now are YOUR TOP FOUR, America. You'd think that they'd have better people promising better choices for their wardrobes, but only Syesha looks remotely "star."

This week's theme has something to do with the Rock'n'Roll Hall of Fame. Not only was Ike Turner a notorious wife beater, he also invented rock'n'roll (for the purposes of this montage)!

Rock'n'roll, we learn, was "rich cultural heritage" which could only be preserved by...Ahmet Ertegun? Sure, why not.

Elvis Presley was very famous!

How come the Top Four look better in this clip than they do on tonight's show?

Mine is not to ask why, mine is to soldier on through eight songs. In a dramatic switch, the judges will talk after EACH performance!

DAVID COOK says we'll get "Hungry Like the Wolf" with his own personal changes and LIKE IT. When he stands it on his head, he does not literally stand on his head, which I found a great disappointment. Kim is covering her mouth to avoid spreading germs - and limit the horror escaping from her throat. She's also laughing hysterically at what apparently is another expression of horror on MY face. He's in touch with the ground! I think that's what he said, anyway. Doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo. Why's he trying so hard to look like Jamie Oliver, anyway? Randy says his song choice was "ok" with a "solid" performance but he's looking for "mad hot" so I think "ok" won't cut it. Paula's got a big appetite after "Hungry Like the Wolf" - a big appetite for his package, I guess. Simon proclaims it "good enough to get through to next week" which is to say "surely better than Syesha will need to be later." I did NOT see Cook put his palms together for a Steve Jobs-esque "thankyou" but I didn't have my eyes on him the whole time...

NEXT: Syesha!

American Idol is brought to you by FORD! PLAY ARTIST ZEBRA

So You Think You Can Sit Through Two Hours of "Dance" premiers soon!

Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader? Not if you're actually watching this show!

Ryan and the Coca-Cola logo spend some time on stools with SYESHA! OMG she's so excited about the upcoming tour! She can't wait to meet her (apparently existent) fans! Talk talk talk talk talk. Let's find out what she's singing.

Of course, it's PROUD MARY by Tina Turner. Everyone else has covered it, so why CAN'T she? She'll show us right now! In order to avoid comparisons to Tina, her dress is entirely too long and she completely fails to leave puddles of her own sweat all over the stage. She also opts to sing "toot toot toot" during the breakdown. This song doesn't work so well as a 4" edit. I believe that's the tattoo and rack of Carly over the judges' shoulders! I missed the judges' comments but I believe they were entirely too kind. It's up to Simon to save us - and here comes the slight damper: a bad, shrieky version - a bad impersonation of Tina Turner. X gets the square. Randy offers that Louisiana and England means he and Simon are from different places. It's up to Simon to "keep it real." Syesha's having FUN! She will have FUN! celebrating her self home in 24!

Jason opens his mouth! David fails to show emotion of any kind! They're NEXT!

There is an awesome Jimmy Johns (in Japanese) ad during the local spot of this break, but you didn't see it if you're not in this market. Your loss, dude.

The Valley Fair ad is less awesome. Back to the FFWD key!

Darlington Saturday Night NASCAR! Now we're talking!

iTunes is the place for tonight's performances as well as those of Milo Turk (thanks Monitor commenter!)

Ryan hits on Carly...and convinces no one

JASON spends 45 minutes telling us that he's going to perform Bob Marley's "I Shot the Sheriff" and then spends 90 seconds reminding us that you can grow the longest dreads in the world but you're still a white dude. Randy's use of the word "karaoke" was a kind way of telling him he wasn't black enough. Jason doesn't care! Jason is probably wishing he'd worn an Africa medallion. Paula didn't like it but was happy he actually performed to the audience. Simon warns him to stand back, and then proclaims it utterly atrocious. The song shouldn't be touched, terrible arrangement, looks like a first round trainwreck, doesn't know what he was thinking. Jason: "I was thinking Bob Marley!" Ryan asks Randy and Simon to twist the knife and they comply. Paula reiterates that she'd like to have his baby if only she was physically able. Syesha's feeling better.

DAVID ARCHULETA is going to sing "Stand By Me" by "Benny King" - he's always sung it to himself when he was alone, under the covers, so softly, so that his father wouldn't come in with the belt. What the heck is with that T-shirt? I believe it's an actual picture of doves crying. Sadly, David does not augment the instrumentation with his own performance on triangle - I mean, if you're gonna GO, go ALL THE WAY. I get that David developed a great love of Wil Wheaton from watching that movie and that's how he came to love this song as well. I get that. He wants the beautiful girls to stand by him, but then he tries to sing in castrati land? That dad needs to take off his dad racing cap. Ryan says it was so hot, dude, it was hot. Are the judges afraid of his dad, too? I can't take all this ass kissing. Save us, Simon. Another shot at Jason, wow get over it. He thinks he struggled near the end, but in the grand scheme of things, that's probably the best performance so far. David says their faces scare him. I think a lot of things scare him.

This is like a WWE Supershow - just when you think it's over - it's only half over. I bet you were wondering what the over/under was on me making a professional wrestling reference. Everybody tries again after this break!

American Idol is brought to you by CRAPPY AT&T WIRELESS!

Kim has already proclaimed her overjoyedness that she's not writing this several times. I think I need a present or something.

Ryan and Coca-Cola sit Cook on the stool. He's in his element this week! Coming up, purple potatoes with shallots!

His second song is "Baba O'Reilly" by The Who. He chose it because it's the theme song of one of the shows in the "CSI" franchise. Wow, he's taking everything I love about this song and making sure it's completely gone from his version - that must be the COOK MAGIC. I dunno, when they're cut to this length, you probably shouldn't sing them TWICE AS SLOW - oh wait, here we go with the speedup - what the hell? That was, like, two seconds of tease and then it was over. (Kim may find that familiar!) Randy says it's great, Paula wants more Dave Cook (inside her), Simon welcomes him back. In a sense, he's right, welcomening him back my friends to a show which never ends. Let's take a quick break and then Syesha and Jason will see who REALLY wants to get gone!

It's not dancing unless you're practically naked! On FOX!

Rascal Flatts are in the house, wishing they'd picked a different week to sit in the audience! Get thyself to iTunes and spend more money!

SYESHA says A Change is Gonna Come, but unlike Sam Cooke, she's going to be alive when she sings it! The Civil Rights Movement was, like, very important! And this song has, like, totally different meanings or something! We are blessed with an outfit change! (If David changed beyond putting on that blazer I didn't catch it.) I'm curious to see whether Mercado wants to suck up to the foot fetish crowd for another week but the dress is too long for us to be sure. I dunno, I thought she sang it like she should have been sitting on the piano and pretending to be Fantasia. Not that I spent a lot of time watching Fantasia, either. Randy didn't like this as much as the first one. He's talking long enough that I bet Carly has to adjust her top again. Paula stands and applauds. She just wants to hug her. She utilized everything she'd hope she'd use (I guess she IS barefoot?) then makes her cry. Oh, for all the blatant emotional appeals for...fortunately, Simon still has to talk. Oh, he "surprised" us by agreeing with (dramatic pause) Paula. It meant a lot to her! Tears in the cleavage means a lot to ME! She spent a lot of time at the National Archives researching ... oh, stop. When your makeup runs, you actually look LESS BLACK. Randy says he's TOO BLACK. Ryan says Hell's Kitchen is gonna start - not soon enough!

In deep trouble, JASON offers "Mr. Tambourine Man" by Bob Dylan. With any luck, he will NOT give a FUCK and perform appropriately. Knowing that he must not disappoint me, he completely forgets two bars during the chorus - but remembers it later. It might have been better if he'd adopted the William Shatner rendition, but that version probably wasn't on his iPod. Randy asks him to evaluate himself so he wouldn't have to. Paula proclaims that it is what it is, but he blows her (away). Simon tells Jason to pack his suitcase. This is probably just a brilliant move on Jason's part to stay in the competition. That dude is CLEARLY a CRIMINAL MASTERMIND.

The end is in sight! One more from the chippermunchkin NEXT!

Adolescent insomnia is on the rise! What can you do about it? (Tell them to stop watching FOX Prime Time and get into the bed?) TONIGHT ON FOX AT 10

ACE YOUNG special guest corpse on BONES!!!!!!!!!!! (Who is Ace Young?)

Hell's Kitchen REALLY IS NEXT

But first, DAVID ARCHULETA picks "Love Me Tender" by Elvis Presley, because there's nothing more appropriate for a boy of his age to sing. Let's take a quick scarf count - ZERO. Well, that's an F from me. At least this shirt is better than that first one...by which I mean it has more buttons and less birds. Was this version in "Aladdin" or something? Somewhere...out...there....yeah, it totally fits. Once again, gratuitous falsetto at the end - why? I cannot say. I expect the judges won't, either. Randy proclaims him tender and caressing of each word. Hot vocal of the night! Paula felt his hard (when she held him close to her bosom). Simon says he didn't just beat the competition, he crushed them. David can't believe it! He never believes anything! Thank you! Thank you!

Recap of what we just saw. I hate to say it, but I think the peak was that wacky "Hungry Like the Wolf" - especially given a second chance to see that very emotional lean-in-and-LOOK. "They're all WASTED!" Oh God, I really can't take Syesha, I don't care if she's improved at all over the past however many weeks, she's awwwwwwwwwwful. But that's nice eye shadow and lipstick! They wisely play the time Jason remembered the words. I sure wish Chikezie were here - that man could SING. Who will be the next Tamyra Gray or Daughtry? I bet if it's Jason he will NOT be like them other folks! Jason salutes his shorts.

8:03 and we're outta here - Hell's Kitchen starts NOW.

THERE YOU HAVE IT.

I can usually be found at the-w.com when I'm not commenting here.

Posted by Kim at May 6, 2008 11:41 PM | The Sound of Breaking Glass