This show is so tight

Can you believe it's down to five? Will this show be over fast enough? Rita Wilson doesn't think so! THIS is American Idol!

Simon is exposing way too much chest hair. Syesha looks about 40. OH NO everyone is doing two songs tonight. Sweet Jesus be a DVR outage.

Tonight is Neil Diamond night, which means it's any ordinary night at any karaoke bar on any given day. Neil Diamond's career is ASTONISHING and RELENTLESS. He looks remarkably good! Jason looks downright tickled to shake his hand. Brooke can't stop talking at him. What a surprise.

Jason possesses Neil's kind of instrument! This young man is forever in blue jeans. True dat. All the ladies go squeal! He's a good time guy full of good times and good feelings for good people who enjoy good times and good feelings.

Oh look, he has the AC from the AC/DC logo on his jacket and his initials are DC and it's like some kind of ROCK AND ROLL REBUS. GET IT?! He gave Neil goosebumps, just like the ones you get when you have the flu and you are fixing to vomit. He's alive! Alive with douchey flavor. Could he enunciate any less? Does he think that's cool? Someone needs to tell him it's not cool, because it's totally not cool.

She's going to play two instruments! She's a believer. Those are some shiny mom jeans. They bring out her crow's feet. What the ... oh. Oh my God. What. What the. Oh my God. Are we at the county fair? WTF?! Nice Farfisa. This is seriously maybe honestly one of the worst things I've ever heard, and I've heard Diana DeGarmo. She looks completely terrified by her horribleness and totally horrified by her terribleness. Smile that plastic smile! She's lucky she's not being judged immediately after this!

Ryan implores us to own a piece of Archuleta. No! Oh man, he's picked like the two most obvious cheesy-ass things available. Sweet Caroline, I don't know how your melody goes so I just make that shit up! Good times never seemed so yagh. Bill Cosby on the trombone, ladies and gentlemen. Nice Jailhouse Rock outfit. Hip shaking! I'm frightened! There's something downright Logginsesque about this entire undertaking.

Syesha says hellooooooooooo. Groan. Neil wants to touch her body! Hello again, hello. I vote no. Seriously, how many decades has she aged in six days? That center part does her no favors. Prop sitting! No shoes again this week for all the pervs with telephones and text messaging capabilities. Helloooo, my friend, I am oversinginnnnnnnng. Hello again, hell-nooooooo!

Paula proceeds to take her crazy game to new heights by taking most of the "quick review" time criticizing both of Jason's performances at length before someone points out he's only performed once. And then trying to play it off by saying Jason #2 was actually David C. #1, which she reiterates to be something completely different from what she originally said for Jason #2. I think I may have to be done with this show. Soon.

September Morn! Stay with us a while, Jason, we only want to talk to you and watch you make faces behind Ryan's back and smack yourself in the face for being a bonehead. Prop sitting! Prop standing! Seriously, someone needs to make Sooner or Later II with this dude. Everyone is all like whatever. (Chris: "Paula was right!")

All he really needs is you! But he doesn't really need any of us at all, honestly, remember, 'cause he's all totally above us and shit. Someone needs to make "Stop Snitching" shirts that instead read "Stop Smirking" and then wear them around him at all times. Just what we need, another Lifehouse! Try enunciating every once in a while dude, damn. He plays his guitar left-handed, which makes him SINISTER. I just felt like throwing that in there. I'm not even going to bother with anyone's comments because they're all the same damn thing every week and who the F cares. I mean OH MY GOD I JUST SAW JESUS AND HIS NAME IS DAVID COOK THE MUSICIAN AND PERFORMER CURRENTLY SEEN ON AMERICAN IDOL ONLY ON FOX.

She is, she said! She is a lot of things. She's caught between two coasts and making her way back from the palm trees of L.A. to ... Arizona. Oh. OK. I'm lost and I can't even say why. Well, I can say why but it goes without saying. The. HELL. Yeah like one minute or whatever does this song justice. Everyone likes it? I'm tired. I'm so very very tired.

They're comin' to America! Chris is taking him to task for his outfit's lack of patriotism. Remember when we were choosing our Neil Diamond songs and I picked this one because I have nothing but bad taste when it comes to Neil Diamond songs? Yeah, this song. Is he just kind of making up the melodies as he goes along now? I'm just wondering. Paula: "I love you, I love you, you were brilliant, have fun." Wha—what?

She is going to thank the Lord for the nighttime. Chris: "Thank the Lord the show is almost over." Wow, this doesn't sound horribly dated or anything. This makes the Dreamgirls soundtrack sound like some kind of future music from the future. Paula says that's your you, your performance theatrical place! Oh joy! I don't even know if this is real or if I'm imagining this!

OK. Wow. I am so tired of this show. It is making me hate it so much, and not even the fun kind of hate but the awful kind of hate that makes me miserable. I may not even care anymore. That's not tight. I don't think that's tight.

Posted by Kim at April 29, 2008 11:38 PM | The Sound of Breaking Glass