THIS dramatic pause is American Idol!
Ryan informs us that if last week taught us anything, it is that it's important we vote for our favorite contestants. And that reflects last week's results how?
This video package basically makes Mariah Carey look like the sluttiest person alive. Touch her body! Chris is scandalized and outraged by this from start to finish. He accuses her of biting Giorgio, which I would be very impressed by if she was actually aware of doing it. Oh, I'm sure she wants to "see every one of [the contestants] at the top of the charts." Suuure.
David A. and Mariah "hugging" is one of the most awkward things I have ever seen. He seems surprised to admit her advice was "helpful." He's going to be real and authentic! Are those leather pants? Hold me, I'm frightened. He was moving mountains long before he knew he could! Who knows what miracles he could achieve if he believes? This seems like such a show-closer, so why would they put this first? That falsetto kind of sucked. Quit looking at me! This was certainly better for him than, like, almost every other thing he's done. Randy says he can sing anything, that was the bomb, baby! Paula thinks it must be great for Mariah to hear his interpretation. I don't know if Mariah would appreciate Paula speaking for her. Simon: "I don't think we're in for a lot of laughs." Simon is so wise about all things. He is a treasure.
Carly looks like she's wearing felt Miss Piggy puppet cleavage over her chest. Seriously, look at that! It's mortifying. Mariah has been loving what she doing. Mariah must have been off smoking that reefer with JC. Speaking of which, OH JESUS. How is "Without You" a Mariah Carey song? This never fails to piss me off. EVERY TIME. This is like "All By Myself" being a Celine Dion song times infinity.* WTF is she doing with the melody? I'm going to refrain from any comment here other than to say that Chris keeps going "pffft" and "thbbbt" through this whole thing. Look, there's Harry, the Guy With the Snake on his Face! He's back! Randy is like, whatever. Paula says she's choosing different parts and making it her own. Simon thinks she didn't pull it off. Bad Idea Jeans.
Ryan saying "favorite contestants" right before introducing this one inspired both Chris and I to declare "She is not my favorite contestant." She brings out the best of hating in all of us. I mean OMG she is great!!! Nice glitter. She's vanishing! She's drifting away! I wish. I mean oh no, I hope this does not turn out to be an ironic song choice!!! I pray Mariah deliberately gives her bad advice. I mean just the opposite of what I just said. Screaming. Screaming! Chris: "Stop looking at me!" That one dude in her "family and friends" reminds me of that Tool video. Calm down, sir. That was harrowing. Randy said she "did good all things considered." Ha. Paula points out her canny tactic of selecting a deep cut. Unbelievably magical! Simon is all like ehh.
Brooke and Kristy want your sooooooouls! Have I ever had an OMG moment? I don't know! But I do know I don't want a "private concert" with you, Ashley Tisdale. Whore.
Wow, if you're sad about missing your sister's wedding, maybe your priorities are wack. Ryan should know better than to engage Brooke in conversation about herself. Chris: "When they texted her from the wedding, they said shuuuuut uuuuup!" Oh wow, she's sitting. Through her mentor video. I think she must have a condition. More than one condition. Prop piano! She's taking sparkle lessons from Kristy. This is OK, I guess. I never liked this song and I have low expectations. Chris: "Now if we could just get her to stop shaking like she needs crack ... " Randy is like check it out, you brought the whole singer-songwriter thing to it, the bridge threw me a little bit, vocally, you know. STOP AGREEING YOU MESSED UP WHEN SOMEONE POINTS IT OUT TO YOU. Golldang. Paula says every ounce of her is authentic to who she is! Simon says she's a hamburger without the bit in the middle. Randy and Paula say the meat was in the bun. Randy suggests it was missing condiments. My head just exploded. Chris: "I'm hungry."
Mariah is feeling Kristy very dramatically in the mentor video. Wow. Wow. Kristy gave her chills! I wonder what that means? Forever, you will always be the only one! I think Kristy just kind of completely kicked Carly's ass from start to finish with this, call me crazy. I'm in bizarro world. Randy didn't think it was amazing but she definitely started steppin' up! Paula sees through to Kristy's evil genius, then she proceeds to babble on about nothing. Simon is cranky. Ryan and Kristy make like they're posing for prom pictures. I want a picture of that in a heart-shaped frame.
David C. will NOT give up his guitar to hug Mariah. "Always Be My Baby"? Is this a joke? Mariah says his "take" makes her feel good as a songwriter, as it means her songs can withstand ... uh, I guess just about any kind of horrible treatment and torture. I mean BEING TAKEN TO THE NEXT LEVEL OF AWESOME. I didn't know Chris Daughtry was back on this show! Oh wait. Prop string musicians! The camera wisely pans away when he hits the high note. Oops, then it comes back. Ouch. Quit looking at me! Oof, that ended badly. I mean WOW I JUST GOT IMPREGNATED BY GENIUS. Randy is like yeah. Paula is like "that could be in a movie soundtrack." Does that mean it's ... what does that mean? Really?! Simon pretty much wants to have sex with everything about this. Oh Simon, you lost me. I mean YES WE AGREE WHOLEHEARTEDLY. David C. is profoundly moved by this praise! Ugh. He does the "I gratefully bow to you o wise one" move. What a dick. I mean I LOVE IT. Now's the time for crocodile tears!
Chris and I attempt to guess what Jason will perform. Chris picks "Vision of Love." I pick "Dreamlover" or "Fantasy" or "Emotions" or "Boy (I Need You)." I have big, great, great big ideas.
OK, moment of truth. Jason don't want to cry! Oh my goodness. He's so sensitive. I seriously want to see every minute of the Mariah-Jason mentor video, holy shit. Chris points out how he keeps making faces as if to say "Who is this lady?" Prop musicians! It's got that Latin flava! Chris accuses him of "trying to IZ-ify it." Oh how jaded he is. Actual conversation between actual people:
Chris: "Why's he sitting down?"
Me: "He's too sensitive to stand."
Chris: "He's burdened with emotion?"
Me: "Exactly."
Boo, Randy didn't love it! Hahahaha, Jason just cracks up in response. That's the spirit. Paula would love to be at Jason's luau! Simon would too! So would we all! Randy's not invited!
Hahaha, I love how they pick the absolute worst part of Syesha's performance for the recap. I mean HOW HORRIBLE OF THEM, SHE IS A DYNAMIC TALENT, SHE AND DAVID C. ARE #1 FOREVER I WANT THEM TO HAVE BABIES WHO WILL BE THE MOST TALENTED SUPERHUMANS IN HISTORY. So there.
*Even though as far as "diva covers" go, I've always maintained (however begrudgingly) that Mariah's version of "Without You" is tolerable.
Posted by Kim at April 15, 2008 08:43 PM | The Sound of Breaking Glasshey i am pretty sure mariah would appreciate paula speaking for her. why wouldnt she? paulas track record is amazing, better than simons and randys actually. and mariahs only success is singing, due to her unique voice, whereas paula has had success in many different areas. paula may ramble at times on the show, but she knows what shes talking about
Posted by: h at April 16, 2008 04:15 AMWe had a Little League coaches' meeting last night. I coach my eight-year old daughter's softball team, which really means that I need to have enough gum for all 17 kids each night and enough softballs for them to bonk each other on head with. Why do I say this? Because I missed the Creepy Little Bastard and didn't get home until part way through Carly's screaming fit. Oh, that was a song?
I am not very hip to the Mariah Carey songbook, what with being old and always listening to XM44 (the History of New Wave, etc.), so most of these songs I'd never heard before.
I thought Carly trying to bring the cleavage covering the arm tattoo was a wise move. Singing wasn't such a wise move.
Syesha ROCKED! I hope I don't jinx her and she gets booted off tonight! Wooooo!
I am glad I wasn't the only one who noticed how much Brooke shakes when they show her close-up to the mike.
I am totally enjoying Jason Castro. He seems to get that this is supposed to be fun and entertaining and whether he's always entertaining is up for debate, but he's always smiling, dude.
I pick Syesha, Carly and Brooke for the bottom three with Syesha leaving us. Yup.
Posted by: pieman at April 16, 2008 08:19 AMYou know who ELSE knows what they're talking about? h. You go, h! Dance Like There's No Tomorrow!!
Posted by: Mr. Trax at April 16, 2008 10:29 AM
pieman, you fiend, you somehow knew the frightening little gnome would be up first, dintcha?! I'm actually starting to feel bad for the kid; I'm not sure I've ever seen anyone look so uncomfortable in his own skin; he couldn't possibly carry his shoulders any more forward unless he was actually a rodent. He got up. He sang (debatable). He looked into the crowd and his Dad wasn't frowning. He started breathing again.
As much as I agree that as far as unnecessary covers go, Mariah's "Without You" is tolerable, Carly's cover of Mariah's cover was somewhere in the vicinity of "soul-destroying". But then you remind me of Harry's Discount Sex Shop and all is right with the world again.
Syesha miraculously again found a way to be completely unremarkable. Again.
Brooke wasn't doing too badly until she decided she wasn't. And then the song couldn't be over quickly enough for her or anyone else. Her piano and her voice couldn't stop leapfrogging eachother trying to get to the end of the song. She's my pick to go home this week, actually.
Kristy Lee had her best week of the competition. I suspect Mariah mistook "goosebumps" for "hives", but who's counting?
David Cook is now officially able to take any song, absolutely any song in the world, and make it sound like the worst douchebag rock of the past 15 years. David Cook doesn't need idol: Creed and Nickelback will be beating this guy's door down any day now.
Inexplicably, Jason continues to entertain me, although I suspect if he were to put an album out under the aegis of the AI brand, it would be even more scrotum-shrinking than a Dave Matthews/John Meyer/Jack Johnson triple-bill.
I can't believe you totally blew over Ramiele's little futsy moment in the crowd with Ryan and his stolen hat. That's not representing!
Posted by: Matt at April 16, 2008 11:37 AMI didn't even see Ramiele, but I swear Carly's husband got more face tattoos.
Jason has started sending me secret messages through my TV. Those messages? GO CARLY! AND SYESHA!
Posted by: jane at April 16, 2008 12:34 PMOMG RAMIELE. I totally saw her and totally forgot to take note of it. I guess I was just so giddied by her presence, and also that I could not understand what in the world was going on.
OMG JANE. You know I was totally thinking the exact same thing you were thinking during "The Mellow Show." I was waiting. WAITING. And bitterly disappointed.
I think Kristy was doomed by Mariah's goosebumps.
Carly's "Without You" would have made Pete Ham and Tom Evans kill themselves all over again. I mean OH WOW IT WAS SO GREAT, I ENVY HER TALENT AND THE POTENTIAL TO WHICH SIMON SPEAKS SO HIGHLY
I'm so worried for Syesha!!! She is the best!!! You go girl!! etc etc etc etc etc