Jeem until your cheems come true

Thank goodness the chair of the Ford Motor Company is here to hold our hands on this inspirational night of inspiration. Paula's boobs have been inspired to pop out of the top of her sparkly dress. THIS is American Idol!

There is no more inspirational band than Aerosmith, and could any of us be more inspired by anything other than a song that's about payin' your dues an' gettin' all old? Oh I think not. If you've got an issue with those lines in your face, maybe you gotta stop smoking that meth! I'm just saying. Maybe tomorrow the Good Lord WILL take you away. Chris: "He's not from this country." Jeem on! Jeem until your cheems come true! This is really lame. Shrieky! Chris: "The awesome power of the vest outweighs the awesome power of the ascot." Randy says this tells us who he really are. This is about living in America and dreams coming true, Michael says, to which Randy says "ehhhh, wrong," hahahaha. Paula says he sounds as good as he looks and that his singing would beckon her chihuahuas. I would be offended! Simon invokes "impersonation of a rock star" and "wannabe-ish" which I at first thought was "wallaby-ish." He's not from this country! Shut up about dreams coming true already! Just shut up!

Ugh! I forgot she's still on this show. She says Ramiele was the only one who really "got" her. I don't know if it's wise to admit that on live TV in front of a judgmental public. This is a clear strategic play for the Pinoy vote. I mean YOU RULE! YOU ARE THE BEST! YES, THE TIME IS NOW TO GIVE BACK IN YOUR OWN WAY, WHICH IS BY PERFORMING A SONG BY A FORMER IDOL CHAMPION, WHICH IS TO SAY FANTASIA! This was the Idol-winner song from Season 3, right? Yes, I believe it was. Wow, it's like she's begging to be kicked off. How she's lasted this long using that tactic, I have no idea. It must be because she is the BEST EVER. Eew, shrieky! She's going for Paula's chihuahuas with that high note. She says Fantasia is her Idol. I feel like it's time for "Really?" with Seth and Amy. Randy is like, whatever. Paula is clearly high. Simon is like, whatever. Syesha is taking chattiness tips from Brooke. I want to throw up everywhere.

IZ! IZ! IZ! That dude was fat. Jason sounds surprisingly coherent in his intro video. OMG, breaking out the ukulele. Chris is impressed. His tiny-stool skinny-pants posture looks a little preposterous. Chris grows less impressed with this as it goes on. He just can't compare to IZ!, not enough ahhhhhhhhhs or something. I wonder if the judges will rag on him for that. Randy is like dude, Jason Castro is back in the hunt, that was blazing molten hot! Paula babbles about nothing and says the same words about five times. Simon loved it! Well, how sweet, aww.

Kristy got a big cross on her T-shirt! Chris believes she should have an American flag on there someplace too. I don't know if Jesus would approve of that ... sparkly ... thing she's wearing. There are some big spots in boobular places that would suggest they are something else entirely. Chris is glued to the TV. Oh yeah, she's singing that one Martina McBride song about prayin' an' dreamin' an' shit. I told you about that one time we were at the State Fair waiting for the fireworks display when Martina McBride was on the Grandstand and she was, like, really good? This is not horrible and she looks really cute and not so robotic, aww. Randy loved it! Paula says she outdid herself. Simon says very very good indeed. There is feedback coming off her sequins. Aww, she looks so happy!

His favorite band is Our Lady Peace. I think that says it all. My new name for him is Smugly. He says this song has a clear message about something. WTF is this?! Is that an impression of a Muppet? Did the Swedish Chef wake up with a bad hangover? Oh right, there's a lyric in there about cancer, did you hear the one about his brother having cancer? I mean, look, I know, I know, and I'm sorry, but it's that kind of thing that may make people think you are a little calculating and a little bit of an asshole. Just saying. That jacket is butt ugly. I mean EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS IS FANTASTIC. Oh yes, now let's do the Chris Martin/Eddie Vedder writing stuff on yourself for the TV camera thing, you douche. I mean MY HERO. Randy's like, whatever. Paula's like "total package" and "it" or something. Simon says "pompous" and hates the jacket, because I am living inside his head. Putting the "ass" in "class," this one.

Is she wearing a bathing suit? Mom jeans! "The Show Must Go On," as apparently Freddie Mercury is her Jesus, so is he to all of us. Boing boing boing boing. Oh honey, this was a bad idea. Is she going to say she's sick this week? That's the only excuse for missing all the AHHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHH-unh stuff. I'm waiting for her to begin coughing. Randy's like, whatever. Paula says her voice is totally pretty perfect, but she does not feel engaged. Rrowr, bitchy! Simon says she over-sang and came off as angry, because he is an incisive genius. Carly is not a good diplomat.

I am not looking forward to IDOL GIVES BACK and just want to fast-forward to all the Elliott parts, that is, if any Elliott parts exist. I'm too tired and cranky, which should make things incredibly entertaining. I actually wrote "entertainting"! Well then, that I would look forward to.

David A. is a vision in beige. I can't wait to find out what crappy piece of shit he's foisting on us tonight. He's a magnet for schmalz. I mean, he already did that horrifying "You're the Voice" and OMG, bite my tongue, it's "Angels." Well holy shit. I wonder if someone forced him to do this instead of, like, "I Could Sing of Your Love Forever" or "Life Is a Highway" or something. Prop piano! Ha. Hahaha. Hahahahahaha. It's quite amusing to see documented proof that this show's Jesus Child would not be capable of out-singing Robbie Williams. Oh, this is just sad. You know what contributes to the total success of this song? Being outrageously hot. I give this shit the finger. Randy's like, hottest moment this season, the dude that I love, runs, amazing, whatever. Paula is like, what he said. Simon is like, great song, not so great performance, because he knows nothing can compare to that RAW ROBBIE WILLIAMS POWER. I mean really.

Wet and cool spring! ¡La Niña! TONIGHT on the Fox 9 News at 10!

"You've Got a Friend," well that's a little more inspirational than "Dream On," isn't it? Prop pianist! Clearly this song choice is a reaction to that Bottom 3 disappointment last week. Was that your darkest night, Brooke? Somehow I feel it was, since you are just a shiny source of light and wonderment and quavery vibrato and nonsensical chatter. This is about what you would expect, which is appropriate and blonde and blue-eyed. Thank you, Tori Amos! Tears! Emotion! Randy ain't mad at 'er. Paula heard that song when she grew up! "You're very definitive, and I love you." Wow. I can't imagine what kind of conversations Paula and Brooke would have with each other off camera, I really can't. Simon: "Nice."

Chris points out that Paula had "vein action" in her boobs all night. What an inspirational night of inspiration!

Hahahaha, that David C. replay is just ELECTRIC, isn't it?

Posted by Kim at April 8, 2008 11:57 PM | The Sound of Breaking Glass