Five! Five dollar! Five dollar footlongs! THIS is American Idol!
That April Fools joke at the top of the show is tremendously lame. Ryan, you're on my list tonight. I'm in no mood.
I'm terribly sorry I misidentified Recording Artist Romeo as Charles Grigsby last week. I wouldn't have known this without having watched "Idol Extra" on Fox Reality. (Chris made me watch it. No really. Haley's been eating well!) I think I just really wanted a reason to bring Charles Grigsby back into my life. Also, last time I saw Romeo he was like two feet tall, WTF.
Dolly Parton is a pop culture icon of sparkles and smiles! "Jolene" reminds me of Grumpy's the other night and there were two people monopolizing the jukebox who I swear were deliberately trying to ruin my life. I think Dolly has been replaced by an android. Android Dolly.
Brooke gets out the Katharine McPhee Memorial "Black Horse and the Cherry Tree" Prop Musicians for "Jolene." She's sitting down! What a shock. She's a little too chipper for this song. Jaunty! It has a jaunty gait! Totally inappropriate! This is not a smile at the crowd kind of song! Randy's like, whatever, I'm not paying attention. Paula says you have an emotional connection and that is what record companies and executives want because you are who you are, Brooke White, excellent and wonderful. Simon accuses her of "busking." She needs to stop chatting through the judging. I'm beginning to think she has some kind of affliction where she just can't shut up when others are talking. I do that sometimes. I hate her pants. I got nothing else.
This dude looks like a retarded groundhog. It must be really great to be in love with yourself like that. Seriously, this guy has gone completely diabolical. I mean diabolically BRILLIANT! WHAT A GENIUS! Oh yes, let's play catchup with you admitting you're a ripoff artist in the guise of explaining how you "get" your "inspiration" "online"! Douche. Douché. "Little Sparrow." This "original arrangement" leads me to believe he's been listening to a lot of Little River Band! Has he too found that "inspiration" "online"? Randy's like, whatever, I'm not paying attention. Paula says it was great to hear him going into his "fals" with his strength! Simon has something against songs about birds.
Dolly and Ramiele are the cutest couple ever. Dolly says she's got a spunk! "Do I Ever Cross Your Mind?", aww, sassy. Oh man when she goes off-key she goes way off-key but I don't care. Bouncy sassy Pinoy cuteness! Not good enough but I rep my people! Randy ain't mad at'er! Paula is proud of her and her great minute and 30 seconds! Simon is a sour poop! Boo!
Aww, Jason has a stalker! Ryan reads from a stack of postcards from Jason's stalker, and thereby justifies the stalker's existence. This can only lead to bad things. Look out JC! Jason has selected "Travelin' Through." This is the Transamerica song, right? Innnnteresting. Dolly feels he went a little bit outside himself. I think he sounds like he always does! Although I feel he may be trying to actually understand the lyrics he's singing tonight. He turned into Dave Matthews right in front of my eyes for a second. Harrowing! Randy and Paula like it! Simon takes a big dump on it. I see they're going out of their way to limit Jason's camera/speaking time this week. Innnnteresting.
"Here You Come Again," SWITCHED UP DOWNTEMPO, with prop guitarist. I'm having trouble understanding her outfit. She totally sounded like somebody else at a couple of points but I can't place it and I'm too lazy to go back and figure it out. Can you tell me who it is? OMG, FRENTE. It was totally Frente. FRENTE!!! Or that chick from The Sundays. Which is totally not like what this one actually sounds like, which is totally why it was bugging me because it just sounded so WRONG. Randy loves it! Paula loves it and it is glorious with that voice of hers, oh my God! Simon hates on her outfit because we are evil twins.
Are you ready for David Archuleta? I don't think you are! He's harboring some Smoky Mountain Memories. The song gives him CHILLS! Dolly was apparently moved to near tears by his performance, but since she is an android it is not possible for her to cry. The air is filled with gold dust! Fortune falls like snowflakes! ZESTY. I'm imagining sparkly things frittering all about him. I'm just gonna go out on a limb here, but I don't think he's really wondering how the old folks are back home. Oh this was tremendous in its drama and Raw Emotion™, or at least as much as this one can muster anyway. I need to start liking him so I can doom him to oblivion. TOP AMERICAN DESIGNER MICHAEL KORS LOVES IT! Everyone else loves it too! He acts like he doesn't believe it! I'm tired!!! I am longing for the sweet caress of the Fox 9 News at 9 promos. Where are they?!
"Coat of Many Colors," oh Kristy Lee, you are on a roll. She gets the Dolly seal of approval! I think it is because they are both androids. Is her eye makeup ever glittery, oh my. THIS IS GREAT. I mean not really, but you know. I have low expectations about everything. Randy likes it! Paula likes it! Simon hates it! Kristy Lee gets snippy in response. I dunno if that is a good idea after singin' 'bout bein' poor an' grateful for the li'l things and wearin' your love like heaven and all that. I still think she and Ryan should get married. I give this a MILLION stars! (Not really.)
"I Will Always Love You," oh gosh, we couldn't see this coming a mile away, oh not at all. Perched on a prop piano with a prop piano player. Check. Snore. Hahaha, she can't keep up with the camera changes. Yep, just keep looking longingly off to the left! Oh WAIT! OVER HERE! Somebody went really insane with the glitter eyeshadow tonight, for real. Oh please, don't make this an "exercise in restraint" in deference to the raw power of W. Houston and then HOLD A NOTE WAY PAST ITS WELCOME. Randy's like, whatever, I'm not paying attention because I'm still irritated by that shitty LONG NOTE OF LONGNESS FOR THE SAKE OF LONGNESS. Paula says your velvety voice, that's your, that's it for you! That's it for you indeed. Simon basically puts into words what I am thinking, because we got it like that. Restraint, good! Bombastic attempt to out-Whitney Whitney in a not-Whitney (but not really) way, bad!
Dolly could tell that he is Ginuwinely a fan! The fact that this one loves Dolly so much makes my mind go in fantastic directions. Prop musicians and bright white lights galore. Nice cravat there, chief. It's all wrong, but it's all right! How fitting! This actually isn't all that bad. He was clearly going for Honky Chateau Elton in parts. I'm sorry, Elton. I don't mean that as an insult. Is this the best of the night? Where the hell am I?! What have you done with my soul?!
Hahahaha, they replay Syesha's AND IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII moment of pain in the recap. Let that be all you remember from tonight! Poor Dolly deserves better. I'd wager she was home crying but robots have no time for tears. Nor do I, nor do I.
Posted by Kim at April 1, 2008 11:58 PM | The Sound of Breaking GlassWhere to begin? Let's see. I am glad you're back to recappening before the kick-off show.
I thought Brooke was way too cheery singing "Jolene." Not being a big fan of the country music, but I have heard this before and she was alright and after listening to the rest of the claptrap on this show, she was probably in the top half tonight.
I laughed out loud at retarded groundhog. I think that captures David Cook's essence. VOTE FOR COOK! (I think I'm still doing this correctly, Kim).
Ramielle gets suckier every week, but she cannot be stopped! She will never be in the bottom three!
I wish Carly would wear sleeves. Or at least get a tattoo on the other arm to even herself out. I am like Adrian Monk a lot of the time. Really. Maybe she wore the ugly outfit to distract from the one-arm tattoo, though I thought she did pretty well with the slow-down four corners offense on that song.
What the frig was Meth Man doing? He kept singing the same part over and over and emoting like he just tasted something really awful. My wife couldn't watch him because of all the facial contortions. And what the hell with the ascot-like neck appendage? Please leave my TV, Mr. Annoying Meth Man. Now. Tonight. Make it so.
Posted by: pieman at April 2, 2008 07:06 AMPaula's totally turned into Nicholas Fehn, am I right people?
Posted by: Mr. Trax at April 2, 2008 09:52 AMI spent a lot of time NOT looking at Meth Man, so I think that helped. A lot.
Posted by: Kim at April 2, 2008 06:11 PMI was able to talk Idol with my step mom this last week and she offered some insight I know you don't want. BUT, since it's burned into my brain it may as well be burned into yours.
RE: Retarded Groundhog aka Douchebag Rocker... her comment: "I just can't stand his lips! What is he doing with his lips? It's so gross!"
I can't say I ever noticed any weird lip action from DBR before, but now I will be forced to.
Eew, why does this keep rejecting my comments? Now I don't remember what I wrote. Haircut, Ramiele, something, yeah. PS I miss Chikezie.
Posted by: jane at April 2, 2008 08:00 PMOh no Tammy, I'll have to stare at his lips now. I'm already having trouble avoiding his increasingly manicured eyebrows.
Oh no Jane, I hate that it rejects your comments!!! I know I had to put about 120 new IPs into my ban list after I got swamped with spammers a couple weeks ago, but if you got through it must be OK. I cry from being deprived of haircut discourse.
Posted by: Kim at April 2, 2008 08:44 PM