Go and stretch yourself into areas you haven't shown us

Time to play catch-up! I can't stop eating corn flakes! THIS is American Idol!

OK OK OK FLASHBACK TO LAST NIGHT

Why yes, it is indeed Songs From the Year You Were Born night. I decided that I'm 10 days shy of 1970 so they'd have to give me Crabby Appleton's "Go Back." It's a necessity.

Things I loved about Tuesday's show:

- Ryan's mad dramatic entrance
- Paula's "showgirl in a woodchipper" outfit
- That bizarre self-tanner accident on Simon's chest
- Ramiele describing her "straight afro" as "bomb"
- Ramiele's awesome parents
- Ramiele's unidentified "best friend," DANNY!
- Chikezie's awesome parents: "And there would be LAUGHING!"
- The sign reading "SEACREST IS SEXY!" I agree.

It depresses me to attach Heart's "Alone" to the birth year of a grown-ass person, even a tiny one. There are good parts and there are bad parts. She's too cute for this song and the Camp Beverly Hills look is not appropriate! It wasn't my thing, dog. Paula gives her a good amount of credit and brave to do what she did.

Happy bakeday, Jason! He's been told he's an Aries. No shit! His teeth are whiter than white. Sting's "Fragile," ooh. Chris: "I hope he does it in Portuguese!" How much mascara does he have on? Nice white shoes. Chris is singing along in Portuguese. HOLY SHIT! Jason proceeds to bust it out in Portuguese. Chris: "Oh my God! I can't hate on him anymore!" I have low expectations, therefore I enjoy this. Simon compares it to "busking outside a subway station," which again proves we are the same person. I swear if there was a New New Monkees, he'd be Peter.

This one claims to be born in 1987. This woman is lying. Show me ID! Ugh, don't do that crying baby thing again. I don't even know this song. Stephanie Mills? I still don't know it. Oh look, she's ACTING. I'm bored. Next!

Chikezie says the song selection was crazy! He wants to hold you tight, if only for one night. He's bringing the Raw Emotion™. Work the crowd! I want this to go on for the rest of the show, honestly. I have low expectations, therefore I enjoy this tremendously. I think Randy's on the rag. Chris is OUTRAGED by the criticism. "Chikezie's his own man! How DARE they!"

Aww, Brooke's family is so cute. Haha, nerd. Nice Debbie Gibson pose. Nice false start. This week she's trying to look like Naomi Watts, who, like Michael, is Australian. Did you know Michael's Australian? The straight hair makes her look about 40. I hate "Every Breath You Take," I really do. I have low expectations, therefore I don't think this is terrible. Everyone's like, whatever. She makes a really weird face when she's getting criticism, like pursing her lips and sticking her lower jaw out. Weird. Ryan gives her a brave choice award for the false start. I got nothing else.

What Minneapolis is doing to make sure all pets are registered—TONIGHT on the Fox 9 News at 10! Wait, I guess that's last night. Whatever.

Michael was born in Australia? You don't say! Nice Lakers hat. Nice Cabbage Patch Kid. "We Will Rock You/We Are the Champions," yeah, good luck with that. So was that 20 seconds of "We Will Rock You"? The director is more interested in RICKEY MINOR AND THE BAND! making ARM GESTURES! I wonder if he has another dead friend whose favorite song this is. BRIGHT LIGHTS create the illusion of EXCITEMENT. If he's going to keep raising his arms like that, he needs to wear longer shirts. There are parts of this that are OK, and then there are the parts that remind you this dude is a loser. Everyone loves it! Whatever!

"Total Eclipse of the Heart," hey, it's karaoke night! That outfit is not flattering, yet I want it desperately. Every now and then she falls apoeahrart! Living like a powerkeg? Oh no, shouting. Oh no, screaming. Oh no. Ryan says "lots of pot-stirring" and I'm surprised Jason didn't run out and tackle him. I got nothing else.

He was born the year I started WRITING MY THESIS. Is his father sitting on top of his mother in that interview? I mean, Jesus, dude, respect the woman's personal space. "You're the Voice," kissing up to David Foster, I see. ZESTIFY! This so half-hearted. He has no conviction whatsoever. I mean friggin' Jason was more committed than he is. Simon's criticism of this is simply fantastic from start to finish. Really, I need a transcription of it, it was beautiful.

Kristy's mom is Lainie Kazan! "God Bless the USA," YES!!! She's gotta take this one sitting down, and so do I. She looks like she has a moustache. Your children and your luh-wife! This would be a hell of a sign-off song, I gotta say. American flag video screen=AWESOME! I have low expectations, and therefore I think this is spectacular. Chris fires up the 5.1 and rewinds it so we can experience this to the fullest. The judges damn her with faint praise! Simon calls the song choice "clever," because he knows the score.

A well-known Minnesota bridge has problems that are eerily similar to the 35W bridge! Spring-like weather! And why some pets are paying the price for something! LAST NIGHT on the Fox 9 News at 9!

The knowledge I still had to suffer through this one made me clutch my face in agony. No, wait, I mean SCREAM IN DESPERATE ANTICIPATION. I'm relieved that we do not share a birthday. I heard "December twenty—" and I got a little nervous. Wow, his head has been completely grotesque his entire life. So is he doing the Ian Brown "Billie Jean" cover? Because that is awesome. This, however, is not. Snore. Wait, I mean THIS IS THE GREATEST THING TO HAPPEN TO MUSIC, EVER. Wow, put something in 6/8 time and everyone freaks the F out. Chris: "He's no Shinehead!" Let the ass-kissing commence! Chris: "What, does he have cancer?"

The show ends with me saying "ass" and rubbing my face in pain. Take that for exactly what it sounds like!

OK OK OK FLASH FORWARD TO THE PRESENT

What up, Jason? THIS is American Idol!

Kimberley Locke is here, and I do not care. Ryan reminds me I need to work on my American Idol song. Wait, I already wrote it! Wow, Jordin Sparks' album has been certified gold! Yeesh. Just think, contestants, someday that may be you!

Up With People is, tonight, dedicated to "Right Back Where We Started From," because the year you were born is, like getting back where you started and stuff. I take time to explain this to my husband. This entire performance is extraordinarily cheeseball! David C. and Michael do some RADICAL MOVES because they are EXTREME. Brooke's electric blue pants are tremendous. Chris: "I can't get over 'em!"

Let's take a special look inside the studio as the contestants record their full-length songs which can be purchased at the iTunes Music Store, just go to the iTunes Music store and download them and buy them, these tracks by your American Idol contestants!

Let's take a tender look at last night, which for me was earlier tonight. Chris on Syesha: "We can lose her and I would totally be thrilled." He astutely remarks that "Billie Jean" sounds just like "Where the Wild Roses Grow" and I'm like HOLY SHIT IT DOES. Thank God I didn't have to spend 24 hours trying to figure that out. Apparently it is based on a Chris Cornell cover. I believe I must have missed that one.

Ford Music Video alert! These contestants want you to want them. That sentiment reeks of desperation. This one was simply not high concept enough. I want more film sets and UFOs and old-timey outfits.

CONSTANTINE! GINA! CHARLES GRIGSBY! YES, I REMEMBER CHARLES GRIGSBY!

I'd love to know what Kimberley Locke's definition of "outside of Manhattan" is. She neglects to mention how the married dude from "Celebrity Fit Club" knocked her up. She is pregnant, yes? Or did I imagine that? Anyway, snore. Pay close attention, contestants! This may someday be you!

A chemical leak forces the evacuation of a Minnesota school—we're live at the scene. After a spring thaw, is more winter weather on the way? And a 5-year-old girl saves the day—the 911 call that got her mother the help she needed! TONIGHT on the Fox 9 News at 9!

So who ARE the bottom three on THIS is American Idol?

Chris is devastated.

Whatev.

I just keep jinxin' 'em and jinxin' 'em, don't I?

Jason is safe! American Idol is RACIST! Who goes home?

Shit ain't right, man.

Repeat after me: Syesha and David C. are MY FAVORITES AND MY PICKS TO WIN IT ALL! THEY GON' SMASH IT WEEK AFTER WEEK AND I WILL BUY ALL THEIR PLATINUM ALBUMS, SINGLES AND LONG-FORM MUSIC VIDEOS!

Man, F this show.

Posted by Kim at March 26, 2008 09:12 PM | The Sound of Breaking Glass