She was a day stripper

I think I had an even WORSE day today than I had the last time I had a bad day going into this. Did that make sense? Probably not. I can't even get motivated to fire up the DVR. I'm busy taking advantage of the SPECIAL SAVINGS! on the Martha Stewart fake Le Creuset from Macy's, or sorry, Macy*s. How excited am I? I'm so excited. Not about this show, though. Oh no, my only joy comes from the purchase of discount enameled cast iron cookery. Do I have time to burn through this and still "catch Craig"? Probably not. Oh well. THIS is American Idol!

"Two full hours," ugh. Shut up. We're back with the Beatles! Ryan is BLACK with the Beatles. (By which I mean he's wearing all black. Shh. I'm tired.) What could I possibly follow up "Hey Bulldog" with? "I'm Looking Through You," or perhaps "Run for Your Life," GARY LEWIS STYLE. Say word. Don't shake your fist at me, David C.! OK, I admit it, I'm slowly being won over by Jason's total stoner retardation syndrome. Chikezie's shoes are shiny! Ramiele made a bad hat decision. Paula's shirt is shiny! Seriously, I think I'm a little in love with Paula's shirt. It's like completely glitter- and jewel-encrusted. Hypnotized by her own sparkle, Paula utters the word "gumption." OH we have a sexy wink from Simon to Ryan. It's what I live for. Sad, really. As you can tell, everyone is talking for 20 minutes about nothing. Ryan is trying to place the Beatles in context for our audience. Can we get this over with?

"Back in the USSR" has "a blues element" to it. OK. Oh wow. I hope Ryan will helpfully place "the USSR" in context for our audience. Oh no, help, help me if you can, it just started. What's happening? Where am I? I think I just lost my mind. This has given me Alzheimer's. You know how sometimes when you're sitting in the back seat of a car that's going kinda fast, and the windows are down a little bit up front, and there's that horrible WHAP WHAP WHAP of air pressure that makes you think you've temporarily gone deaf and/or insane? Yes, that's it exactly. "Bally-like-ahs," well then. So all I have to do is get a couple DUIs, lie about my age (I can pass for 23 before this one any day, for real) and go up there and scream off-key about nothing in a purposely ruinous and hurtful manner and it'll be just super-dee-duper? Got it. Randy had "a couple issues." Paula says "when you connect, you are quintessential, authentic who you are." I love you, Paula, don't ever change. Also, you are hearing things. Scary things. Simon is bored. Bored! I love you, Simon, don't ever change. I'm sorry, I mean THIS IS THE BEST AI PERFORMER EVER! SHE GETS MY VOTE! OH I HOPE I HAVEN'T JINXED HER NOW, I REALLY DON'T!

Kristy has photo album props and a very shiny outfit that's made out of, like, a stripper's shower curtain. Oh look, it's a picture of her with a dog and mountains. Look, there's a picture of her and a horse. Remember her and the damn horse? I think she's sublimating her boobs tonight. I don't know if that's a good idea. "You've Got to Hide Your Love Away." She says she picked it because of the title. THE TITLE. SHE DOES NOT ACTUALLY KNOW THIS SONG. I just died a little inside. This is like some off-key fake Dusty in Memphis by way of Debbie Gibson bullshit. She is such a robot, she frightens me. Upskirt alert! Nice cowboy boots. Everyone is like eh. Randy says "Go dere! Go dere!" I'm not lying. Simon calls her "wallpaper" and says she only makes an impact when she's terrible. Yes, and Amanda is somehow being rewarded for that. Kristy vows to "blow you out of your socks," oh my, scandalous. I bet she means it!!!

Let's revisit the time when this one forgot the lyrics. I'm sorry, the only cover of "The Long and Winding Road" worth anything is and will always be by Zumpano. Many times he's been alone, and many times he's cried. I can only imagine that to be completely true. ZESTIFY! SELL IT! Oh my God, something in my brain just snapped and I can't stop laughing!!! Oh my God. Oh my God. He's just so SERIOUS and squinty and creepy and SERIOUS that it has sucked every last bit of sense out of me. Someone could pull my wisdom teeth right now and I wouldn't even notice. This has made me just that loony. Randy says he's brought the hotness back to his game tonight, yeah yeah! Paula says exciting and warm and purity, identifiable, rising above adversity and building character something something. Oh shit, I somehow thought Simon would say the words "master class" and then he TOTALLY DID! This performance has made me psychic.
Wait, no, psychotic, that's what I was going for. At the very least, delusional.

Let's meet your Fox 9 Weather First team! These dudes all give me the creeps! Ryan tries to sell me an iPhone. I'm sorry, as long as that phone is on Cingular Is the New AT&T that thing is dead to me.

This one tries to remind us that he sang "Bohemian Rhapsody" and it was "absolute magic" or some shit. OK, I may be taking that out of context, but you know that's what he means. OH F YOU, he just said he's doing "A Day in the Life." Good luck with THAT. He says he "took all the best parts," because he knows better than God and all of us. Yes, this song has so many shitty down moments, that's what it's known for. You douche. I'm sure this will be a hot mess, or a hot tranny mess as the kids today say. Hahahaha, nice "House of LAAAAARHHHHRDcoffcoffS" there. AHHHH. AHHHH. AHHHH, AHHHH. AHHHH. Sorry, I was joining in. Did he somehow get this song mixed up with "Tuesday Afternoon" somewhere along the way? I think he did! Shaking your head to affect vibrato is not attractive, just a thought. Randy wants him to sing and let his big ol' voice do its thing, dog. Paula admits she was stalking him during dress rehearsal and he was better then. A likely story! Simon says "mess" because we are somehow the same person. "You have to start sorting yourself out," he declares. Must be the meth! Oh boy, so he reaches into the bag of tricks to bring up a dead friend and that was his favorite song and everyone's like WOOOOOO!!!! Oh Jesus. This show.

Chris: "How's she going to sit down this week?" She says "Nova Scotia" and "Halifax" in a blatant attempt to make me love her. Her dress is a little adorable, or maybe a horror. I haven't decided yet. "Here Comes the Sun," doo-doo-doo-doo. Oh, she IS sitting! Chris is a genius. This is kind of sharp and sung out of the back of her throat and really kind of ... awful. She's a nice lady! AHH! SHE'S STANDING! Oh my Lord, there was a "whoo." I am literally wincing. I can't even see what's going on anymore, for I cannot stop wincing. Chris can't stop laughing at the spinning around and other "performance elements" that lead one to believe she is better off sitting after all. Randy: "awkward" and "not hot". Paula can't help but smile! She showed a different color! Uh, hmm. Simon: "terrible." Oh no, and now she can't stop talking. Please stop talking. Stop trying to explain yourself. Stop insisting you understand and agree with and deserve the criticism and you can handle it because you know, you know, you understand and you know, you really do. I need to go beat my head on something, please excuse me, you know, you know, you understand, you know, you really do.

That rock concert feel makes him euphoric! Or something. At least he's admitting he's attempting to rip off a Whitesnake interpretation of "Day Tripper." Suck it Chris Daughtry! Remember: This guy is THE BEST and LIKE AMANDA, HE IS MY PICK TO WIN IT ALL. He's taking that Ryan Adams look to a whole new level of ugly awesomeness! "Day Stripper," eh? Apparently! Nice leather pants, dude. Nice gut. His head reminds me of the raw slab of corned beef in our fridge. Oh no, oh no oh no oh no, he's doing the Peter Frampton thing. I know it has a name but I'm sorry, I can't be bothered to look it up. I just spent about 20 seconds with my hands over my face. Oh no, wait, I'm sorry, HE'S MY PICK TO WIN IT ALL, DAVID C. AND AMANDA FIRST DUAL AI BOY-GIRL CHAMPIONS EVER. He caps it off by throwing his pick into the crowd. I just threw up a little. I mean WOW THAT WAS AWESOME. Randy loves it! Paula loves it! He brags about how he just learned the Peter Frampton thing yesterday. Hahaha, Simon goes for "smug" and piles on as much additional bitchiness as he can, because he is an outstanding voice of reason in an increasingly baffling world. Wait, I mean BOOOO.

Ryan informs us that these Beatles songs are special and stand the test of time. Why does Randy keep referring to "copyrights"? Is that some new hip slang the kids are using on the streets?

"Blackbird," well then. Nice soccer mom at the wine tasting outfit, there. Seriously, she is turning into Ann Wilson before our eyes. Looking at her, I am reminded of Amy Poehler as Nancy Grace saying, "Yes, I am wearing upper and lower lashes." Hey, there's an unnecessary key change! Let's try to make this into something it's not! Isn't the thing about this song that it's understated and quiet and not screamy and bombastic? Simon is like, ugh, and she's all like, "oh it's a metaphor for being beaten down by the industry" and now she can't stop talking and Simon is like "oh whatever" and I'm busy trying to find a picture of John Candy as Harry, the Guy With the Snake on His Face after seeing her husband again. Did Randy say something about a bird eating cream cheese? Why are they letting contestants run they mouths off so damn much? Ugh, I've had it. HAD IT.

Whoa, dude. Whoooa. Just like, whoooa. Dude. "Michelle," oh my. He's all like, dude, it's like, in French. And off we go! Oh my. Strolling! This guy is so far into Davy Jones goofy mugging territory, I don't even know what to do with myself. Randy is like, dude, whatever. Paula makes reference to his "distinct charm" and also says it sounded like a polka. I think she's going to join him in smoking a little of that Distinct Charm after the show! (I was going to make a "polka" joke but simply could not bring myself to do it.) Simon loves that he is "very charming" and "not obnoxious" and has "a goofiness that made it work." You know, this is true. I'm totally giving up, I'm totally buying it, I just want to see this dude get progressively more wacked out with every passing week. Oops, I mean, Boo! I hate this performer! Enough already! Boo!

Imagine closing on your home and finding out the paperwork was never sent in! What happens when the mortgage broker pockets YOUR money?! Also: Fog! And so much for hibernating: A bear makes a surprise appearance in the North Metro—and it's all caught on tape! TONIGHT on the Fox 9 News at 9!

She has learned the key to success is getting out your boobs. Chris: "Your boobs can't help you now!" Them's some old lady boobs. Man, she's not getting over being in the bottom three, is she? She insists that she may have looked down, but she wasn't. A likely story. Yes, your cheerfulness was so apparent. "Yesterday," well good luck with that. Nice split ends. Ahh, also going the "sitting down" and "prop acoustic guitarist" route, I see. "I'm not half the girl I used to be." That's 'cause you old! It must be nice to really love yourself that much. Oh boy, SCREAMING. I take it back, I mean this is truly the BEST PERFORMANCE IN IDOL HISTORY and I HOPE SHE WINS IT ALL, AMERICA, ALONG WITH DAVID C. AND AMANDA. Randy likes it! Paula says "vulnerability" and "beautiful instrument!" Simon says "best performance so far" which means nothing!

"Do you need anything?"
"A boomerang."
Oh Beyoncé, I don't have any time to waste either. Our lives are so parallel, it's frightening.

Chikezie, take us on a memorable journey into your most memorable moments on your journey. I hope he can manage to follow up his crazy rock hillbilly black man performance last week. "I've Just Seen a Face," aww. But oh, oh oh no, an earnest ballad performance of "I've Just Seen a Face." I just fell asleep and hit my head and went unconscious. Oh gosh, that brought on a psychotic episode, harmonica, speed it up, hoedown, this feels somehow familiar. He's just sheen a face! Randy: good parts and bad parts! Paula says the ballad side of him is so pure and on pitch and gives a whole different side of who he is by showing us his depth and his scope! Hmm, Simon somehow liked the ballad part, which confounds me. Chris left the room for this whole thing. It's like he somehow knew it was coming. Ugh, and bah.

Take us home, tiny lady! Aww, she calls Brooke "Mama Brooke." "I Should Have Known Better," oh gosh, I think she should have known better about that hat. Oh my Lord, no. Corny. Corny corn corn. Bounce around J-pop style! This is sooooo corny, I can't even say anything else but "corny." She's taken away my capacity for speech. Aww, she's so cute though, even in that ghastly outfit and ugh that hat. Pinoy power of cuteness! Chris: "Shake 'em!" Randy says she showed confidence (I disagree)! Paula says there is something about her voice! Simon calls it amateurish and mediocre!

I think it's safe to say I hated everything except the Fox 9 News at 9 promo. Oh sweet Jesus, my head just involuntarily started shaking during the recap of "Day Tripper." I need to take some antipsychotics now. Get your comments in before the spammers do! I love them! Comments, not spammers! Bye!

Posted by Kim at March 18, 2008 11:57 PM | The Sound of Breaking Glass