What makes you think you're something special when you smile?

New credits! New set! Same old crap! I am mesmerized by Ryan's watch. Seriously, look at that thing. THIS is American Idol!

The new credits are more purple than ever! The American Idol Pride Hierarchy is freshly re-established: white chicks in the middle, then black chicks, then dudes waaay off to the side. Got it. The new set has lots of rainbow lights and ... circular ... things. All over. RICKEY MINOR AND THE BAND! are now way up out of the way on a platform, so we can't be distracted by their technical proficiency or how much more they're into the music than the contestants are. I hope this adds up to lots of bad missed cues and songs falling to pieces 'cause no one can see one another. Also, there is now a "mosh pit" in front of the stage. Yes, Ryan calls it that. "Mosh pit." Oh Ryan, you're so sweet to try to make me laugh, but no. Our Top 12 stumble out onto the stage through doors and blinding light like all the alien abductees at the end of Close Encounters. What a fascinating analogy they've made for me. Thank you, set designers!

This week, we waste no time in butchering the newly rights-negotiated Lennon/McCartney catalog! What would be my Lennon/McCartney AI song? "Hey Bulldog," you know it. (Muttonchops! Dang, George sure was hot, wasn't he? Good Lord.) Paula helpfully informs us "these songs are full of melody." I see David C. is going for the "Ryan Adams rolled out of a ditch" look. I hope someone will do "Why Don't We Do It in the Road?" tonight—David H., I'm looking at you. Or rather David C., since he looks like he rolled out of a ditch anyway. I miss Danny! So does my mom, who agrees with me that his sassiness gave us our only reason to live this season. Tear.

Two hours. I'm watching this live, incidentally. The things I do to myself. Let's get it started!

Syesha was always active in everything, she tells us. Great. Her look tonight is very Debbie Allen. Like brokedown Debbie Allen. "Got to Get You Into My Life," hey, this isn't Earth Wind & Fire night! Better not tell HER that! Ugh. I do not care. Her skin still looks hideous on HD, by the way. She gets excited that Simon likes it, and proceeds to look about 53. So when she was talking about "listening to the oldies station," I guess that means they were playing those Edison wax cylinders? I got nothing else. Vote no!

Chikezie is zesting up his look tonight with a fly gray/green argyle vest and green wristband. He's celebrating St. Patrick's Day early! (I'm giving up on calling him Chikezie!, I just don't have the energy.) He has made his peace with the Danny situation, he informs us. I clearly have not. He's putting his own funk on "She's a Woman"! This involves a banjo, fiddle, tambourine and bizarre CAMPFIRE EFFECTS on the video screens. Yeehaw. Uh. What? What just happened? Where am I? OK, for American Idol, this is F-ing ... awesome? I mean he's letting it get away from him in parts and his hoedown moves are kinda embarrassing, but shit, man. I can't believe Chris is missing this. Oh, Chikezie, you've won me back! Ryan is a little overly excited about this. I'm a little overly frightened by that. He's baptizing himself in Chikezie sweat. Zest twins power activate!

Ramiele works at "a sushi place" which makes her smell like soy sauce. Pinoy power! "In My Life," oh yawn. The message of this song is about how you never forget the people you're close to, or something. Ohh, she's pouring some out for her peeps who are no longer with us on this show, aww. I hope she doesn't start crying! This is cute and schmalzy. Just like she is! She is doomed to have to follow crazy rock hillbilly black man Chikezie, how sad. Randy says "it just laid there" and "didn't move any earth". I think that's sexual harassment! Everyone hates it and was bored, and she makes a pouty face. Aww! Her family is yukking it up at the harsh criticism. Look out, that's the Filipino way! We just don't give a shit! Don't cross us, man, we'll cut you!

I just dragged Chris down to see Chikezie: "Hey, this isn't Nigerian music."

If you're going to American Idol, be sure to wear some flowers in your hair. That's what this dude does! I still say he looks like a chick. He says the Beatles did things with music that were revolutionary, or something, which is why he chooses to perform "If I Fell." Of course! Acoustic guitar, sitting down, check. I think I'll take a nap now. Is a train coming? Do I need to drop a quarter in a guitar case somewhere? Jeez, this dude has taken over the Rex Smith mantle from Garrett. Hey, remember Garrett? Those were good times. Dreads are the new shoulder-length perm! He's making weird faces. Why is it an unbearable exertion for him to make it look like he's not trying? I think it got Paula all hot, because she says it's special and unique and she feels his heart, which is a special connection that makes him truly unique. Simon calls it "student in a bedroom at midnight." I guess that's why Paula likes it! Ryan too! Simon and Ryan get sassy with each other, which validates everything I've suffered through up to this point.

Skinny Lauren Ambrose troubles me with her skinniness.

Carly and Amanda are roommates! That sounds like a dream come true. Carly says she has to have potatoes. Happy St. Patrick's Day y'all! "Come Together," well then. Hmm. Maybe it's the set or the lighting or the drugs I'm on, but this is all pretty good and she at least makes me not sit around and wonder what's so great about her. OK, OK, fine, I give. She needs to stop smiling like that, though, her cheeks and pointy nose and pointy teeth are freaking me out. This performance earns one sexy wink from Simon! That's the true seal of approval right there.

David C. says you really have to be on your game with Beatles songs, because people know them. Actually, a lot of people know a lot of the songs performed on a lot of American Idol episodes, but whatever, what do I know. "Eleanor Rigby," hey, I performed this in a talent show in second grade! I forgot the second verse. I've never forgotten that I forgot the second verse. In second grade. He's turning in a Michael performance before Michael has a chance to, that's a smart move. Also wise: NOT PLAYING GUITAR. He's wearing a jacket borrowed from the "Radio Ga Ga" video. By the time this is over, that dude from Staind is gonna call in a hit on him for swagger jacking. Everyone loves it! Simon says he could win it all if this show was based on talent and not popularity, ooh burn.

One in four high school aged girls has a sexually transmitted disease! Details tonight on the Fox 9 News at 10!

(Yes, we have a Fox 9 News at 9 and a Fox 9 News at 10. We're lucky.)

Look, it's nanny Brooke! The image of her clamping that towel over that kid's face and the camera panning away is TERRIFYING. Did she just chloroform that baby?! Shit, man! Somebody do something!!! Oh hey, she's singing "Let It Be," because sometimes in the end you gotta let it be. That's what she tells us. Oh hey, she's playing the piano. Oh hey, that lighting is NOT flattering. Oof. She is bearing more than a passing resemblance to Leslie Mann. She's trying to get a little gospelly, or something, and it just don't work quite right. I mean it's nice and all but it's leaving me feeling eh. Aww, she's all teary eyed, aww. Everyone loves it! She's a nice lady. Also, she and Ryan look really cute together. I think they are my dream couple, even more than Ryan and Simon. Aww, it's just a happy feelgood time. Whatever. I'm tired, I'm clearly losing it.

I enjoy this singer! I wish he would not sidestep his dancing experience when discussing his background. He's really stoked! to be singing ... "I Saw Her Standing There." Oh no, oh no oh no, this worries me. Like severely. And the reality, oh no. This is like if Marc Anthony was on "High School Musical," or something. Don't tell me that sounds awesome, because it's not. Oh no, David, David, David, don't try to convince us of your lust for females at the expense of a good performance. Simon: "Corny verging on desperate." I'm sad for this singer!

Tracking Wet Weather Wednesday! Caught on tape: A tire falls off a semi! All this and more TONIGHT on the Fox 9 News at 9!

Amanda is opting for the Farrah hair tonight. Also, those pants make her legs look like they're in JAIL. "You Can't Do That," oh my goodness. She heard it for the first time this week, she explains. Yeah, clearly this song has a lot of depth and meaning if you've never heard of it and meanwhile you've got the entire Lennon/McCartney catalog in front of you. I got nothing else. Whatever. Oh this should be precious. Um ... I don't think she's even singing in English. Hahahaha, Simon agrees with me. Seriously, I don't know what to think anymore. I don't think respected actor Taye Diggs knows what to think either.

Can I just turn off the TV now? He says he's "done everything you can think of" in order to make ends meet. Ooh, cue "The Boys of Hollywood Boulevard"! Tell me more! Hmm, "Across the Universe." You know, I wouldn't try that. I just wouldn't. Nothing special. Snore. Ugh, bum notes. Oh MAN his "big arrangement" kicks in with strings and are you kidding me? LAME. You want to talk about corny, oh man. He's showing Paula "all the textures of performance," apparently. And, she hopes, his wiener! The dudes are like all bored. I want these four minutes back desperately.

And I'm just going to forget THIS ever happened. F-ing A.

Ugh. This little goon. He says his father is a jazz musician, so that means his father likes jazz music. OK. He's trying to convince us that "We Can Work It Out" is a challenge that he might not be up for. Whatever dude. Hey, this isn't Stevie Wonder night! Ugh, this is all CD101.9'ed out, are you kidding? Hmm ... and maybe he wasn't kidding about being worried, eew girl eew, this is a hot tranny mess. HAHAHAHA HE FORGOT THE WORDS HAHAHAHAHAHA. Oh man, the look of FLOP TERROR has taken him over, and it is awesome. AHHHH! AGAIN! HE FORGOT THEM AGAIN!!! I declare this turn of events delicious. Wow, what a way to end Lennon/McCartney night! Unlike Randy and Paula, Simon refuses to kiss this guy's ass, as he expects better. I can already see him asking Amanda to teach him the tricks of just makin' shit up while you're sangin'.

Ohhh, I miss Danny. I wonder what he would have done tonight? I vote "Revolution." I bet he could turn out "She's Leaving Home" like it would make you want to kill yourself. In a good way! See, this show is so much poorer without him. :'(

So did I manage to jinx my top two picks by declaring them my top two picks? All signs point to yes!

Posted by Kim at March 11, 2008 10:12 PM | The Sound of Breaking Glass