These people wiping away tears in the "Moment of Truth" promo reflect how I am feeling right now. Ryan is looking very glamorous G-man tonight. I approve! Oh, wait, I didn't notice the jeans. Ehhh. Randy looks like he's wearing candy bracelets. THIS is American Idol!
Top 8 ladies! Oh yes it's Eighties night and the feeling is not right, it's not right at all. Can they just get rid of most of them now? Please?
OMG, was she an extra in Roll Bounce? Is that what she's trying to tell us? Her outfit appears to be made of Fruit Roll-Ups. "I Wanna Dance With Somebody," somehow I had a feeling someone was going to do this song, and somehow I had a feeling it would be her. The fly of those Fruit Roll-Up pants makes it look like she's ... packing. That's all I'm saying. This is really shaky and not good. Didn't they get the memo about not singing Whitney songs? I guess they taped this before I sent it out last night. Randy and Paula ramble on about nothing. Simon reacts as expected. Ryan's jeans are distracting me. The stitching, ugh. Bad stitching. Bad pants all around.
You know, I guess this one's not all evil. She seems nice enough. Oh, and then she starts singing. "Who Wants to Live Forever?," well, this should be a TREAT. Oh, this is not going well, not well at—OH MY GOD, wow, was she flat there. And there! (Wait, she's not that flat! Ba-dum-bum.) You can just see her eyes go from bad to worse. It's like watching someone die. Randy and Paula must be smoking bowls with Jason C., for they are kind and gentle like flower people. Simon invokes "Stepford Wives," as he and I are connected for all eternity. Although I did say that about the other bland blond lady, but whatever. The magic question: What can she do to show more personality? Chris: "Show more boobs!"
Trouble just seems to follow this lady everywhere she goes, doesn't it? "I Hate Myself for Loving You," why, it's a bachelorette party at karaoke night. Sparkles! She can't stop singing to the floor. She hates herself for loving the floor. She's like Katharine McPhee that way. All I can do during this is think about Jane resorting to "secret cutting" at this moment and it makes me even sadder. Randy likes it. Paula likes it. Simon says it's "fantastic" and she "nailed it." I'm going to nail myself to something pretty soon by the looks of things.
Her most embarrassing moment involves butter and oil. Yeah. "I Drove All Night," well really now. Wait, that part really isn't supposed to go like that, is it? Just checking. Oh honey, those pants are not flattering. Someone told you wrong. Has she gotten jowlier in the last seven days? I think she has a different head on this week, or maybe her cheeks are full of ... butter and oil. She gets two yeses and a not really. I can't stop looking at those pants. They're so gross! Mom jeans! This is seriously bad pants day. I'm offended.
When she was a kid, she had a dog bowl she used to drink out of! I got nothing else. "Faithfully," OK, now someone is joking. Hello, boobs!!! Are there stuffed animals jammed in there? I'm just wondering. Ugh, shrieky. This is bad but it is far from the worst thing tonight. It almost makes a weird kind of sense all countried out like that. THERE IS NO LIFE IN THOSE EYES. THIS WOMAN HAS NO SOUL. Oh whew it's over, I felt my inner light being sucked out by those black holes on her face. Randy is like, yeah yeah. Paula has nothing but positivity. Simon says she's forgettable. From the neck up!
Chris: "Is that the most boobs I'm going to get?" He seems awfully disappointed.
Dude, I totally bought a ton of that Jovovich Hawk—for Target the other day. Everything is either extremely cute or extremely ugly! That makes for an easy shopping experience.
Pinoy power! Her embarrassing story is especially heartbreaking, aww. "Against All Odds," oh no, I think Jane is going to start cutting herself again. She is taking this song to WEIRD PLACES. What key is this? I feel dizzy. I'm smelling burnt toast. Is my brain exploding? OK, it's over, it's passed, whew. Aww, she's so cute, though. Look how cute she is! Anyone who wears red and purple together is instantly in my heart. Well, most anyone. (Kady's wearing royal blue tonight, not purple. I checked.) Everyone talks for 10 minutes about nothing. Danny is wearing her nerdy old glasses! It's like they're trying to get me to be their brother, their best friend forever.
For two nights in a row I haven't paid attention to the Fox 9 News at 9 promos. I'm sorry. They're always so, so good.
"Love Is a Battlefield," UNPLUGGED. Switching it up! First contestant to start a song perched on the edge of the stage, check. Chris: "Is she not able to stand or something?" No prom-ee-says, eh? I got nothing else. Her pants aren't bad, at least. Randy and Paula take this moment to reminisce about video choreographers. Simon is a little in love with her, I guess. Hey, her husband's CUTE! Did you see him? Maybe he and Simon are going to fight. I'd buy that for a dollar.
I hate this stupid girl with the dumb stupid face who can't stop staring out the sunroof and the music is all OOOOOH oooh and WHEN WILL THIS COMMERCIAL GO AWAY
Ugh, I forgot this one's still around. She tells a story about when she was a child, which I'd wager places it around 1968. She's saving all her love for you! WHO THREW AWAY THE WHITNEY MEMO?! Ugh, she says the "M-L" line. She and Carly both tonight, eew. Eew, hip gyrations. Eew girl, eew. And bad pants. I need to send out a memo about THAT too. Everything about this one is fake, fake, fake. None of the judges have anything exciting to say aside from "good." Snore! She's like the snore queen.
Hey, no "Father Figure"! Maybe they do that one tomorrow. We can only hope. (For a quick and painless death.)
Posted by Kim at March 5, 2008 11:57 PM | The Sound of Breaking GlassSmelling burnt toast~~~
I wish you would do this for Canadian Idol too.
Posted by: JK at March 6, 2008 09:12 AMRamiele is so cute that I still think she is cute even after she did very bad things with my favorite song ever and nearly broke your brain. I got through it by singing over her and pretending that I am that cute. It was almost fun.
Why do I hate Syesha so much?
What are the judges hearing in Carly that I am not?
A guy at work sang "I Hate Myself For Loving You" at his desk yesterday, lounge-act style (I want to say this was an amazing coincidence, but he did sing 20 songs yesterday. I made a list.) and it was so much better than Amanda. Plus when they say she is good and she's like totally unbothered? Ugh. I have stopped cutting and started fantasizing about punching her in the face. It's better that way.
Posted by: jane at March 6, 2008 09:52 AMThere wasn't a lot to differentiate among these females tonight. Nobody was awful, but nobody was great. I think Brooke is safe and probably Carly, though I am not seeing it.
Fearless prediction for those leaving the show (following my 75% success rate last week):
Danny and Luke
Kady and Kristy
I hate Syesha so so so so so much too!!! I don't know where it's coming from but I just want her gone from my life forever. Also P.S. I imagine you singing in my head and it gladdens me greatly.
Oh and pieman, I was way impressed with your 3 out of 4 last week. I wouldn't have been able to call that. We'll see. WE'LL SEE.
Posted by: Kim at March 6, 2008 07:26 PM