You didn't wear the Dolphin shorts, THANK GOD.

We're finally down to an hourlong show! Oh glory! Praise Jesus! How quickly can I burn through this? Ryan looks me in the eyes and says, "Let's do it." He totally does! He totally means it! THIS is American Idol!

Top 8 dudes! Songs of the Eighties! My song this week would totally be "All Over Town" by April Wine, you know it. Randy is bringing the Sparkle Magick with that shirt. The hell, man. That is ... something. Whoa.

This one's most embarrassing moment is that his sister dressed him up as a ballerina. The visual evidence is less embarrassing than his a cappella group footage from last week. "Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go," oh sweet merciful mercy, what is he thinking?! Does he WANT to get kicked off?! He's doing things with the lyrics to this song that confound me. Like it's making even less sense than the real thing. This was a very A. Ridgeley performance. Nice enough to look at! Randy says it's a little bit corny, just tryin' to keep it real. Paula says what is up in the title up there, and adds that he's very musical. Simon says it was girly, ooh!

Ryan reveals that this one has to pee. I love Ryan. He tells some story about how his most embarrassing moment was that his mom finished a song that he couldn't sing on stage, or something. HIS LIFE IS ABOUT THE MUSIC, already. Bahahahaha, "Another Day in Paradise," complete with him accompanying himself (whoa!) on a piano-like object, and then he gets up and walks away like it's a PROP and I laugh and laugh. Lispy! He needs to stop staring at me like that. He's so INTENSE, he's going to make himself pee. At least I hope he does. Oh well, it's over. Randy says it's nice! Paula is happy that he sang things off key because that makes him imperfect, which means he's perfect! Simon says he needs to lighten up, whatever. This kid keeps guffawing like OMG he can't believe such praise is being heaped upon him, and then talks about how it's great that the song is about people who are unfortunate, and that's great. Please let me smack him across the face with something, just once. Please.

Denise Richards looks older than I do!

Are you ready for Danny Noriega?! I don't think you are! He talks about this time he was embarrassed like a cute little red tomato. I'm not making that up. Also, I believe it. He brings us a "Straight Up" (thereby "switched up") translation of "Tainted Love." Strut! Shake it! Oh, don't shake it that hard. OK, keep shaking it anyway! OMG, that was tremendous. Randy says he's got all the mad attitude for all the people in the place, bring the vocals, bring it. Paula says he has a spicy side! No shit! Simon thought it was horrible and useless. Booooo! He's just trying to keep him in the competition. He's a genius! Danny throws shade all over the place. There's so much awesome going on here I can't even go into it.

His most embarrassing moment was that he had a booger in his nose during a photo shoot, which sucked since he had awesome hair and clothes, or something. Snore. I wanted to hear stripper stories! "It's All Coming Back to Me," what? Because no one associates this song with Celine Dion and 1996. NOT POSSIBLE. I'm disappointed! Randy is like, whatever, I'm not paying attention. Paula, whatever. Simon, whatever. Everyone sort of likes it! I am nonplussed! I take it David is starting to acknowledge the power of zest. BRING IT!

There was a dude who looked like Tim Roth in that "New Amsterdam" ad and I FREAKED OUT and rewound it but it turned out not to be Tim Roth. I don't know why I'm typing this.

This one's embarrassing moment was being dressed as a kangaroo at a rugby match. Did you know he's AUSTRALIAN?! Take notes and learn about the Land Down Under and the People Who Used to Live There! "Don't You Forget About Me," or sorry, "Don't You (Forget About Me)," OK decent song choice, I guess. Nice pleather jacket. Oh no, what is this business with going up an octave? What? Yes, sound more whiny, that is an excellent tactic. "The Aussie boy goes home for Eighties week," Randy says, invoking the name of M. Hutchence. Did he forget who actually sings this song? See, this is a PROBLEM, if you don't manage to convince anyone that you make the song "your own," but instead you confuse them into thinking it was originally by the person you are imitating. I give this shit the finger. Paula is so glad you are the type of artist who is defining who you are. Everyone is unique and different, and he is no exception! That statement is contradictory! Simon "really, really" likes him. Snore.

Augh, someone says "guitar" and this guy's name. I'm consigned to misery. Wait, he's having problems with the guitar? Does Jesus love me that much? Oh no, it works. BOO. He attempts to win me over by explaining how his embarrassing moment happened while singing "Sandman" by America. Nah' gah' work, sorry. Is he doing something different with his hair/face/something? He looks different. Clearly someone is grooming his eyebrows. I can spot eyebrow tweakage a mile away. OK, this is ... "Hello" (is it him you're looking for? no) with a dirgey guitar and he's trying to sound like somebody, and I'm too lazy to decipher who it is, maybe Jason Falkner again but I am too aggravated to care that much, and this is a total "by way of Live" bullshit example of "switching it up." Randy likes it. Paula says he is a shining star. Simon gives him a brave choice award and says he lllllloved it. What? WHAT?!

The embarrassing thing that happened to this dude happened when he was soooo hiiiigh. I need to stop doing that. "Hallelujah," oh ... no. Just don't. No. Oh, he's trying, bless him, but ... no. He's doing this kind of Glen Campbell/John Davidson talk-singing thing at points that makes me want to give up on life. He totally bakes (get it?!) the last note, and .. starts laughing? Randy is all, like, degree of difficulty, good lookin' out, something something. Paula talks about vulnerability, reminding us all that we are telling a story from week to week, children. Simon says "absolutely brilliant." I need a whiff of the crazy gas they're pumping in there. Aww, I think this dude is going to smile his face off. Aww, it's kinda sweet, almost. But lest we forget:

Bless you, JC. I totally remember watching that at the time, 1992, on someone else's TV, my first year in New York, alone, broke and miserable. Good times! That haircut still looks hot BTW.

OK ALMOST DONE GOTTA GET THROUGH THIS DO IT DO IT!!!

His most embarrassing moment was realizing he was using a women's bathroom. Dude, it happens. "All the [Wo]man I Need," well then. She fills him up! She gives him love! More love than he's ever seen! You know, it's so much more pleasant when the genders are reversed on this song. Again, no one would ever associate this song with Whitney Houston and 1991. Oooh, hot falsetto. Intensity! Randy is like, tough song choice baby, yeah yeah. Paula is proud of him! Simon is all, like, no, as he does for anyone who sings something Whitney Houston sang. Again I am left wondering: Do these people never learn?!

Then again, I should talk. Oh ho ho. See you tomorrow!

Posted by Kim at March 4, 2008 11:43 PM | The Sound of Breaking Glass