I wanna just squish you, squeeze your head off and dangle you from my rearview mirror

Tonight, your Top 10 guys pull out all the stops in the race to become the next Jordin Sparks. Ryan looks a little unkempt tonight—he must have an Oscar hangover (he don't want to get over). Ohhh I don't have the energy for this. THIS is American Idol!

Everyone screams for David A. in the rundown and OH HE CAN'T BELIEVE IT. REALLY HE CAN'T, oh, oh gosh, oh he's just so surprised and humbled, oh wow you don't say, oh stop (don't stop) please stop it (please don't). Ryan calls Simon "king of all media" and phones start ringing at Howard Stern's house. I stole that joke from my husband, did you recognize it?

Did they say this is '70s night? If they didn't, I assume it is as we begin with

... this dude singing "Go Your Own Way" and it is thin and shrill and not at all good! Ohhh no there go the M. Hutchence moves again. Stop, stop, stop, stop, hallucinate, desegregate, mediate, alleviate, try not to hate, love your mate, don't suffocate on your own hate, designate your love as fate, a one world state as human freight, the number eight, a white black state, a gentle trait, the broken crate, a heavy weight or just too late like pretty Kate has sex ornate, now devastate, appreciate, depreciate, fabricate, emulate, the truth dilate, special date, the animal we ate, guilt debate, the edge serrate, a better rate, the youth irate, deliberate, fascinate, deviate, reinstate, liberate to moderate, recreate or detonate, annihilate, atomic fate, mediate, clear the state, activate, now radiate, a perfect state, food on plate, gravitate the Earth's own weight, designate your love as fate, at ninety-eight we all rotate, hallucinate, desegregate, mediate, alleviate, try not to hate, love your mate, don't suffocate on your own hate, designate your love as fate, a one world state as human freight, the number eight, a white black state, a gentle trait, the broken crate, a heavy weight or just too late like pretty Kate has sex ornate, now devastate, appreciate, depreciate, fabricate, emulate, the truth dilate, special date, the animal we ate, guilt debate, the edge serrate, a better rate, the youth irate, deliberate, fascinate, deviate, reinstate, liberate, liberate, liberate, liberate. Crappy ill-fitting T-shirt and jeans? Is that the best you can do? I mean really. This dude is a snore. Oh thank goodness it is over. Paula thinks he is a seasoned performer and he is charming and he is already there! Simon is not impressed. Paula disagrees "from a woman's perspective" which offends me terribly.

One thing you might not know about Jason is that he is sooooo hiiiiigh. Wait no, that is actually painfully obvious. It's that he doesn't like doing interviews! He doesn't have much to say. Why am I not surprised by this. I still say this dude looks like a chick. "I Just Want to Be Your Everything," oh you know that is one of my favorites, although not complete with Eagle Eye Cherry acoustic guitar. He is feeble but earnest. I always, always appreciate earnest. Randy says so yo, it's interesting! But not good! Paula wants to see him without his guitar (and ... his pants) so he can be "more vulnerable." I don't think he could possibly be more "vulnerable"—he looks like he's going to tip over or popeye himself to death. Simon hates it! We're off to a great start.

F-ing A, WHO DOES THIS GUY LOOK LIKE?! Dead Jeff Buckley? Matthew Fox in 1993? This dude is talking about his a cappella group with video evidence, and I do NOT have time for this. Oh, "Killer Queen," oh no, oh no no no, Lord I'm begging you no. "Moet de Shandron"? WTF? I've officially lost my mind. I'm stunned into silence and unable to type. See, I have to keep taking my hands off the keyboard to cover my face. This is so bad. This is so, so so so bad. He sounds like a lady puppet. He sounds like a luppet. Randy and Paula somehow ... like it! Simon hates it, whew. Ryan calls Luke "Dawson's Creek." Hmm. Hmm. Ryan must be reading me on the regular. Now this dude doesn't have as giant a cereal box head, but maybe Ryan's onto something. Let me think about it.

One thing you might not know is that Robbie likes drag ... racing! Baha. He looks incredibly bedraggled and splotchy. Is he wearing a holster? "Hot Blooded," hahahaha, ahahahahahahaa, ahahahaa. Oh I could go on and on. He's pulling at his shirt. Well, he does look like he has heat rash. I'm waiting in rapt anticipation to find out if he sings "You're looking so tight" and he DOES!!! Bonus points, or dare I say boner points. What a brave decision. Randy and Paula are talking about some shit I don't understand. "Rock is like an attitude," Randy says. Allll right. Simon thinks it was OK, what? Ryan starts feeling up his arm, ooh! Chris appreciates that Robbie is a "scruffy dude" but doesn't like his shirt. Well!

One thing you might not know is that Danny was in "a punk rock band"! "A lot of noise, it wasn't much to listen to. We just realized we suck," he recalls, like it was some 35-odd years ago and he is The Incomparable Hildegarde. "Just a bunch of rebellious kids playing instruments." He is a genius and a storyteller and so deliciously jaded. And now "Superstar," oh my God, awesome? Check. Dude knows how to work it! The zazz coming off my screen right now is beating me black and blue. AND I LOVE IT. I give this an A with a million plus signs after it. Randy says he should speed up his vibrato, just to be a bitch. I loudly disagree for it was CHRISSIE HYNDE PERFECT. Everyone says he should not think while he's singing, or something. Uh. Simon says he looks terrific on camera. Damn straight!

Chris: "It's looking pretty good for Chikezie! right now!"

One thing you might not know about David H. is that he was on "Law & Order: Trial by Jury" he was in gymnastics! Oh my. What was he, five? I need a more contemporary fun fact about you, dude. "Papa Was a Rolling Stone," well then, let's do it. He was just about to get a mean strut on and the camera cuts to the band, WTF?! Someone has it in for this guy. I enjoy this singer! He's putting a little zazz on it tonight, which is, yes, awesome. Randy says that's how to put it down! Paula says something about hearts and pockets. He told a story through song. Simon is now a fan. We're back in sync! Yay! Exclams!

He's like a cross between the O'Connell brothers and that dude from Blink-182. I'm so glad I've forgotten his name, that means I am on the path to healing. Let's watch him play a lot of instruments. Zzzzz. Zzzzzzzzz. Nice choker. Oh here we are, THE DOOBIES. That's a shoutout to the other Jason. "Without Love," where would you be right now? Keep on pushin' mama! There is much shaking of shoulders and pointing and some kind of salsa hip rotations, or something, and it is gross. And he does some kind of crazy Brandon Lee Is The Crow movement to finish it off. WTF just happened? Where am I? Bahaha, Simon rags on the CRAZY finish. We are cosmically linked. Chris: "Good belt, though." This dude is taking up as much camera time as humanly possible talking about his craft. He's not taking his criticism as much like a man as he did last week. Thumbs down!

One thing you might not know about Chikezie! is that his name is Nigerian! He's significantly less roundy than he was in the audition round, I see. From the first note, Chris yells "WINNER!" "I Believe to My Soul," OK, right, and this is pretty good and he's all into it and whatnot but I'm sorry, it just makes me think of my lost love and my heart is broke all over again:



I miss having that dude on my TV every week. Anyway, everyone loves it, and he gets all mouthy with Simon again and Simon calls him "obnoxious" and he says "I learned from the best" and points at Simon which he somehow totally misses, and there's all this boring kerfuffle and the whole time I'm still thinking about Elliott and feeling depressed. :'(

"All Right Now," let's see, this man is kinda making up the lyrics, right? This song is repetitive but not that repetitive. His stage presence mit guitar is ghastly, like he's pulling his chin back into his neck because the thing's too heavy, and it's weighing him down so much he can't move, and he looks like a totem pole with shitty hair, and why are we being subjected to this? Who thought this was a good idea?! Uh, Randy and Paula say he's the real-deal rocker who's got it and got it and got it (???!!!?!?!!). Simon inexplicably thinks it's OK (what?) but he has no charisma (durr) and OHHHH now you've done it, there's mouthing off and stupidity and whining and backtracking and oh I checked out a long time ago. I mean, any kind words were far more than were deserved, and this dude should have just LEFT IT ALONE. Why am I watching this?

Tonight on the Fox 9 News at 9: Sixth graders abusing alcohol! Use don't abuse, that's what I always say.

Chris asks me what my '70s song would be and I can't decide. Chris says his would be "Hello It's Me" as long as he could wear a feathery Todd outfit. Cosign!

"Imagine" me smacking this kid in the face. Heyoo! STOP SQUINTING. Garrgh. He's clearly got some kind of syndrome and I'm afraid if I watch this too long I'll catch it. OK, this is mildly understated which is to be commended, I guess, but it's hammy as all shit and hello, it's this can of butt singing John Lennon. Randy says things about hot and fire. Paula says what's up there in the title, which is I suppose not meant to be sinister but it totally is and I love it. Simon, whatever. Girls are screaming and he's all giving his "pretend to be surprised by it" face and stammery hammery. I vote no.

That's the end! OH HOLY SHIT. Chris has a genius guess for Luke: Young Bruce Campbell. Is that it? Is it?



Maybe? Yes? I think that has to be it, because if we don't have a consensus before he gets canned, I don't know what I will do. And that's 48 hours away, heyoo!

(But I think that's it. Whew! Right?!)
Posted by Kim at February 26, 2008 09:59 PM | The Sound of Breaking Glass