Top 12 LADIES. Sixties night part 2! Simon gives Ryan a sexy wink and for a moment, everything is right in the world. All the boys are named David and all the girls' names start with A! THIS is American Idol!
You know, it's so much easier for me to write about the boys than the girls. Ugh. And I'm already bored with most of these nags anyway. It's going to be a fun ride! Sadly Chris is nowhere to be seen, which is unusual since this show has chicks with boobs on it, and that means you are deprived of his incisive commentary. I'm sorry.
Kristy L.C.: Oh snore. I hope they keep showing clips of her singing "Amazing Grace" every week, I'll never get tired of that. There's one thing I'll tell you about Kristy: She wants that damn horse back. That's her storyline, "Amazing Grace" and a horse. Check. "Rescue Me," oh joy. Her eyes are DEAD. Seriously, pay close attention next time—I dare you to find a semblance of life in there. THIS is Stepford Idol! This feels like it goes on for five minutes. I hope Simon does a "Rescue me ... from this PERFORMANCE" joke. OMG Simon calls her "robotic"!!! He and I are so in sync, it's frightening. Everyone falls all over themselves explaining that she has the flu and going first is nerve-racking. Are you kidding me?! I vote no.
Joanne B.: She's the plus-sized model from New Jersey! That's her storyline. Check. "I Say a Little Prayer" will only mean heartbreak for me. This is the most back-of-the-throat singing off-key thing ever. She has a ridge across her forehead that makes her look like she has a unibrow or belongs on Star Trek or BOTH. Paula's operative word for tonight is "shine," apparently. Yesterday: "color." Today: "shine." Got it. Simon hates it! He does not accept that these ladies have nerves! Ohhhh her parents look PISSED. She refers to her own Hollywood performance as being "an amazing performance." Wow. After she's done talking she looks a little wobbly. Honey, you gotta eat something.
Alaina W.: She looks like if Carrie Underwood and Anna Paquin had a baby. Simon had "high hopes" for her in Hollywood after seeing her perform in short-shorts and pumps! That explains everything. "More Today Than Yesterday," well if you were here last night, you already know: That is one of my favorites! OK OK, I have to make a shocking confession and admit that if she can tone down the screaming, she's all right, I think. She has that unaffected sunshine girl-pop voice that I am a sucker for. I'm sure she will make me regret saying that later. Anyway, she sounds really good on the chorus and like kinda meh everywhere else. Simon likes the performance but (gasp) hates the song! Oh Simon, I'm bitterly disappointed.
Amanda O.: You can't tell me this lady is only 23. Was she raised by sunlamps? There's one thing I'll tell you about Amanda: She's not afraid to wear a poncho. If she's not going to sing Janis Joplin anymore, let's hope she switches over to Joe Cocker. I mean let's not. "Baby Please Don't Go," complete with faux beehive, oh my. The scatting. The scatting?! The scatting. Oh my God, what a horrible decision. Simon enjoys her! Everyone enjoys her! I bet Ryan enjoys her because she's shorter than he is. Everyone jokes about that time she got hit by a truck. We sure have a lot of fun here on American Idol!
Amy D.: Oh, she's the one who sang "Blue Bayou" with her knockers hanging out. Check. She's a trade-show model! That tells me everything I need to know about her. I love that her parents wear T-shirts with her face on them, and that she's not ashamed to be seen with them when they wear those shirts. "Where the Boys Are," are you shitting me? I don't think any song could possibly sound more dated. Jesus. Oh this is so awful. I think this also takes about five minutes. Paula says the camera loves her! But nobody else loves her. Simon: "It sounded like it went on for about 10 minutes." OMG, we are psychic twins. If you'd like to vote for Amy's hooters, dial Idol 05!
Brooke W.: Is it wrong for me to kind of like her? Like Sweet P on Runway, she seems moderately talented and genuinely darling. Someone's helped her out with her rosacea, I see. Oh no, "Happy Together"? Again?! OMG, she kept the ba-ba-ba-bas in! David C. didn't do that because that takes balls. Dude, I just figured it out: ROSIE VELA. The ba-ba-ba-bas did it. No wonder I like her. Maybe one day she too will hook up with Steely Dan and Jeff Lynne and I will be jealous. Simon finds her all a bit yellow, or something, but he likes her voice. "It's very you," he says, so I guess that means she has an identity. Really? On this show? Gasp.
Alexandréa L.: Her great-grandmother came to her audition! That's awesome. "Spinning Wheel," well, who can deny the raw power of BS&T. OK, first singer to use the stairs as a prop, check. I believe her outfit is a loving tribute to Stacey Q. There's some crazy reverb going on there, what? Someone should tell her that going to her upper range is not a good idea, because she doesn't have one. What goes up must come down! Randy says it's a hot fusion jazz rock something something! Paula says her outfit represents who she is! Simon didn't like it. Oh wow, he said "terrible sixties musical" and he's totally right, but you know how I love terrible sixties musicals. She mouths off at Ryan for pronouncing her name wrong. Simon likes it. Sassy!
Kady M.: Ryan warns us this is about to get "sultry," gosh. Oh yeah, she's the one who does imitations and blah blah blah. "Groovy Kind of Love," Celine Dion style. OK. Her calves look weird. Did you see them? They look weird! Oh WOW she went off the rails there. Too distracted by making porny faces, I guess. She's kinda cross-eyed. I don't know what else to say. Hahaha, Randy says she lost concentration at the end. It's like I'm sayin'. Simon calls it Night of the Living Dead, which is fantastic. She and Kristy should have a robot/zombie fight. Simon compares her to a pencil. She looks pissed. I love this show!
Asia'h E.: She used to be sad, but not anymore! She's got some fantabulous bamboo hoops on. "Piece of My Heart," and this is actually pretty good. I like that she's all hiccuppy. I'm sure I'll get sick of it soon enough. At least she's relaxed and like whatever unlike all these other creeps. This show is FULL of UPTIGHT BITCHES. Dudes included. I'm tired of it. Oh wait, where am I? Oh yes, this is good! I wish her top didn't look like a bathing suit or make her neck look a mile wide. It's Simon's favorite of the night, which isn't saying much. Ugh, this show.
Ramiele M.: Pinoy power! Cameltoe alert! Sweet Jesus those jeans are tight. She too is weighed down by the irony of a faux beehive. "You Don't Have to Say You Love Me," OK fine whatever. Everyone likes it! Ramiele enjoys hair and makeup and shoes! THIS is American Idol!
Syesha M.: Her "realness" is a little "practiced" if you know what I'm saying. Hahahahaha, Ryan's talking to her, right, and every time she responds she turns to talk to the CAMERA, right, and then they keep cutting to the other camera so she looks like a dork. I don't have anything against her, I'm sure she's a nice lady and all and it was so sad when she lost her voice and cried and drew a frowny face on a piece of paper, but I watch this show because I enjoy seeing rank amateurs stumble their way to semi-stardom and all these professional go-see-ers just take the fun out of it and make me MISERABLE. I say phooey on that, for real. Oh wait, I forgot to say she sings "Tobacco Road" and everyone likes it and blah blah blah whatever.
Carly S.: She basically explains how she singlehandedly brought down MCA Records, so thank goodness we got that out of the way. "The Shadow of Your Smile," eh? OK. What key is this in? Hurry, someone tell her, because I don't think she knows!!! Am I just hearing wrong or is this really off kilter and overwrought and terrible? Ugh. Ugh. I don't think this is a particularly angry song, but she looks so angry! She's gonna bust some gaskets screaming like that. Oh God, Randy and Paula are falling over to declare the brilliance of her magnificence and it is horrifying. Simon doesn't like it! The voice of reason, bless his heart. Also, her blouse is ghastly. I just had to get that in there.
People gon' get they ass CUT tomorrow! I can't wait.
I didn't think the women could be worse than the guys, but then the show started.
Your comments are excellent as usual, but I miss Chris' insightful breast-related observations which add depth to the conversation.
I didn't think Kristy actually had any eyes for the first minute of the song!
I think Alaina will be okay.
I like Brooke, too, despite my thinking I ought to hate her.
Ramiele ought to get together with David and they can make a baby that will be so cute our brains will explode.
Posted by: pieman at February 21, 2008 08:09 AMPretty much everyone was either boring or agonizingly overwrought. Looking back there was nothing to get excited about, at all, good or bad. If I can't even get OUTRAGED! that's a bad sign.
Posted by: Kim at February 21, 2008 05:23 PM