I was going to go on and on about how I really have no time and no business doing this but you know I'm just going to do it anyway. Can't stop it, won't stop it.
This is the strongest group of Idol talent yet! What else are they going to say?! Think about it!
It's the Top 12 Dudes! Sixties night! It is on, as well as popping! As I do at the beginning of each episode, I take time to realize how much I love having Ryan Seacrest in my life again. THIS is American Idol!
Miguel Alvarez David H.: I enjoy this singer! But oh, his "switched up" "In the Midnight Hour" is not as impressive as "Love the One You're With" from the Hollywood round, I'm sorry. I wondered why Simon didn't like him and I guess I can see why? Also, his shirt looks like it has awful stains on it and held together by hoop earrings. Wait a second, Simon likes it! Well then.
Chikezie!: Oh no, he lost his last name. Danger danger! Bad sign! Chikezie! is Chris' favorite. He spotted that talent in the audition round by yelling "The new Luther!" Chris admires his fly tomato suit. Check out those SHOES. Damn. "More Today Than Yesterday," oh you know that's one of my favorites. It starts off awful and ends up mostly better, except for the ending which is not so great. Paula babbles on for a half hour about nothing. Simon hates it! Simon hates the suit! Oh no, now Chikezie! is arguing back about his fly suit and his performance and oh no, I can't stand a backtalker. Voters also tend to not appreciate backtalkers, does he not know that from experience? Backtalking already on this show! Oh God. Why am I doing this.
David C.: He looks like a combination of about 12 different guys at work. It seems that everyone is "switching it up" which translates to "originality" in this world, I guess. "Happy Together," oh my. Chris: "I knew I should have left after Chikezie." Sorry, I mean Chikezie! Chris is stage-coughing. The shape of this dude's gargantuan head with his hair pasted down, you know, it's just gross. There is some off-key nastiness in there, and then at the end he somehow ends up sounding just like ... Jason Falkner? WEIRD. Everyone is pleasantly surprised by liking it! Me too! Just the fake Jason Falkner parts though.
Jason Y.: The one thing I hope is that someday this guy manages to top his "Are you serious?! Oh my God!" moment from the Final Judgment. That is the bar I have set for him. "Moon River," oh sweet merciful mercy this is cheesy as all get out. Chris: "Is he from Utah?" This man has clearly watched too much West Side Story as his Richard Beymer impersonation is CHILLING. That is not a compliment! Simon hates it. Jason takes his criticism like a man. I expect that kind of professionalism from a "Making the Band" veteran.
Robbie C.: Bahahahaha, he sang a Fuel song in the Hollywood round. Hahahahahaha, Fuel. Hahahaha. Fuel always amuses me. Tonya, did you date this guy at some point? Seriously, he looks familiar. "One," well at least he makes smart song choices as this song is eminently rock-outable, and while he's OK it's like he has no SOUL. Oh man it's like Simon is reading my mind. He says it's the only thing so far that seems to make sense yet he detects the FAKENESS. Ooh they're going to have a slapfight someday, I can feel it.
David A.: This squinty little creep is going to be the death of me.
Danny N.: On the other hand, this zestacular young man is NOT going to be the death of me. He is so full of zazz I can hardly stand it. He's both Tegan and Sara! He's gonna bring his swagger and attitude to the stage! "Jailhouse Rock," oh my God. The band can't keep up, he's too fabulous. I'm not paying much attention but I still give it a million stars. Paula says "there's going to be a lot of colors of Danny coming out," proving that he brings out the best in people. Simon says it was "verging on grotesque." GENIUS! Oh God now everyone is arguing for a half hour. But not Danny. He's too busy bringing that swag! He looks a little downtrodden but I know he'll be back. Keep the faith!
Luke M.: The singing carpenter! Not the singing Carpenter, as in Karen, but he is dang schmaltzy. Oh God. Oh God. OH GOD. OK, so the intro starts and for a split second I think, "It's 'Everybody's Talkin','" right, and then it drags on in this monotonous blaaaaaah and I'm like "oh I must be wrong" but I am RIGHT because it IS "Everybody's Talkin'" and it is a travesty. Even England Dan and John Ford Coley would agree this is completely pussed out. Paula invokes the magic name of Kenny Loggins. Nobody likes it! Well it's not easy to follow my man Danny, for real.
Colton B.: At the beginning of the show he makes a "pointing finger-gun at camera bang-bang" motion that is VERY INSENSITIVE in light of recent events. Since this guy was the "other man" in the Kyle elimination, you know that's his death knell. "Suspicious Minds," oh my. His pants are very tight and very blue. Oh no oh no those pants, please make them stop. Thank God someone put some mascara on those creepy blond eyelashes. Hey, he looks like Alex Winter! Bahahaha, that's awesome. Simon says he has "no relevance" and his performance is "a complete waste of time"! I got nothing else.
Garrett H.: Young Garrett looks like a refugee from Foxes which makes him A-OK in my book. We've never heard him sing until today, right? Wow, he sings like a LADY! It's crazy. He's a sassy dude. Do I detect a chocolate milk mustache in HD? I do! "Breaking Up Is Hard to Do," oh my God, this is dreadful and off key and oh no oh no oh no oh no make it stop make it stop make it stop OK it's over. At least he didn't "switch it up." Simon goes on and on about how he looks "haunted" and needs fresh air and sunshine. Fascinating.
Jason C.: The one thing I have learned from this introduction package is that this dude is sooooo hiiiiiiigh. He has an acoustic guitar! He's singing "Daydream" as in "what a day for a." Why is it that so many of these dudes look like chicks from a distance? I'm not talking hair but like body type and everything. It's totally weird. This is uhhh, fluffy and inoffensive. He's the next Eagle Eye Cherry! He has blown Paula away! Someone needs to rein Paula in, my Lord, yak yak yak yak. Simon likes it! Ahh Jason is so relieved that he can go smoke a bowl and relax now.
Michael J.: This dude is tiresome. I mean whatever. "Light My Fire," bahahahahaha. It's like he's trying to be a combination of Weiland and that dude from Third Eye Blind doing an impression of the "Need You Tonight" video. That is both haphazard and unwise. I disapprove! Oh boy, we have the first invocation of "Michael Hutchence," I can't wait for the coming weeks. I vote no!
And me? Well, I'm just happy to be here. Wait, am I? See you tomorrow!
Posted by Kim at February 19, 2008 10:21 PM | The Sound of Breaking GlassI have to remember to never ever read this until I after I post my work recap (just like I did today) else I will probably change my mind about things. You are far too convincing.
PS Who does Luke look exactly like? I decided Danny reminds me of when Kelly Clarkson was mad at Clive Davis, and I believe that Garrett looks like Marlee Matlin (in the face. I watch a lot of "The L Word"), but since you kindly solved the Miguel Alvarez mystery, I turn to you.
Posted by: jane at February 20, 2008 11:30 AMJane is right. I came here with preconceived notions and you ALMOST changed my mind. Almost.
Danny needs a poke in the eye.
Don't you want to pinch David's cheeks? How can you dislike him, Kim? Come on!
I liked Jason despite the creepy hair.
The rest of them can all go home now and we wouldn't miss them.
And thank you for the Alex Winter comment, because I could not figure out who he looked like!
Posted by: pieman at February 20, 2008 02:31 PMI thought the arrangement of Moon River was the worst thing I had ever heard in my life. And then along came "Everybody's Talkin'".
Jason C. was probably my favorite. But he's eventually going to try to sing without the guitar and/or sober and it's all going to fall apart.
David A. is a menace, dude.
Oh Jane, it is killing me and killing me trying to solve the Luke mystery. I kept getting close to it (so close!) and then I'd just think Luke Perry and I'd have to start over. I get Hugh Jackman, I get Orlando Bloom, but none of them stick. He's like some SHAPESHIFTER or CHANGELING. He looks like a different person from every angle. It's kinda creepy when you think about it.
Jason's got a big clown face.
OMG Marlee Matlin. I see it! I totally see it! Ahhhh
A woman at work has proclaimed Michael J. "kinda hot" and I'm worried about her.
Posted by: Kim at February 21, 2008 02:05 AM