The one, the only, Miss Bette Midler

"The beatboxer or the sweetheart?" Ryan asks us. My God, what a choice.

Or should I ask, which is which? Heyoo. THIS is American Idol!

It's a perfect time to take a loving look at ... Teri Hatcher. The phrase "rictus of terror" comes to mind. And now I cherish my one last Sexy Wink Face from Simon. I will miss them. They have been the highlights of my week.

Let's enjoy an Up With the Last Two People performance of "I Saw Him/Her Standing There." Now I fully understand the breadth of Tiffany's talent. Jordin, you are Godzilla-stomping on all my goodwill with your sparkly maternity dress and your "skinny" jeans. Not to mention your hellacious enunciation. Before too long, she feh in love with hey-uh! Meanwhile, Blake is wearing a leisure suit. Nothing to see here.

NOTHING TO SEE HERE. I'm blind from the sexual chemistry. Don't stare too long, you'll get cooties!

Gwen Stefani performance via satellite means FFWD

I can't rope Chris in to watch his beloved Kelly Clarkson because he's watching "Lost." I like that Contempo Casuals look! I also like how she purposely! sounds off-key and off-beat at the beginning of this song! I want to like this song but I can't. I still like her though. If someone dares to remake Beyond the Valley of the Dolls, they should at least cast her as Kelly McNamara.

I will never get tired of X-Centric, the man who was a kitty cat but became a full-grown panther. The rest of these sad audition people can leave forever. Oh no, they're devoting entire segments to giving them awards? And airtime? This is real? I long for the happier moments of Teri Hatcher's creepy face. I mean, if they're really that desperate to find trainwrecks to celebrate.

It's impossible to contain the SEXY when our Top 6 men perform with Smokey Robinson. I bet you can't wait to see Chris Sligh on tour! I bet you can't! Listen to the crowd go " ... " when Chris Sligh lays it on us! Oh Phil, I've missed you, you tremendous showman. Hey look, it's that one guy! I remember him! I think my TV is developing a rash right now. Phil is outdancing the shit out of Blake. The man is straight-up smoove.

Oh sweet Jesus, Doug E. Fresh, how could you? Ah hell, a paycheck's a paycheck, I can't hate. "The Show"? "THE SHOW"?! With Blake as .. Slick Rick?! Really? This guy?

Motownphilly, back again. He is being outperformed by the backing track. This is sad. I'm actually tearing up.

I suppose I should be watching these lame awards for the trainwrecks in case they do some crazy shit, but I seriously don't care. I do love that Randy throws out the enduring favorite "Silent Night" when asked for a request, though.

Our Top 6 ladies are hearing it through the grapevine with none other than Ms. Gladys Knight! Gina's mic isn't working. See, I really do curse people. Stephanie is tired of these bitches. Haley is ... insane.

The highlight of this can only be the moment when, holy shit, Haley just straight-up freaks Stephanie. I am just about to lose my mind! I had to pause the DVR until I could stop laughing. Christopher is going to regret watching "Lost" instead of this, I know it. Gladys Knight appears to be modeling the Jaclyn Smith cruisewear collection, but dang if she's not bringing the Raw Emotion™.

Oh man, he's so caught up in it, she sings over Melinda's solo. Tremendous.

Don't mess, youngin! Don't you mess! And put the white girls as far away from me as possible! Does the camera even know where to look in this segment? They sure spend a lot of time BEHIND the ladies, if you know what I'm saying.

Jesus himself is smoldering with sexitude over Ryan's shoulder! Oh wait, that's Constantine. (Sorry, Jesus.)

Uncle Tonebone comes in to do his make-up performance. Man, he looks good. Look at that FACE! Holy moly, if someone's doing work on him, they deserve a Nobel Prize. He's making Paula's lipgloss sparkle extra brightly. SING IT TONE! YOU STILL GOT IT TONE! He totally out-Raw Emotioned™ even Ms. Gladys Knight. I guess that's how you do a Stevie Wonder song on "American Idol." Dang, Tone!

I really wish Ryan and Simon would just make out and get it over with. Did you know I didn't even cast a single vote this entire season? Not a single one. That's a first. The first time I didn't vote in the finals was last year, but you know I was getting carpal tunnel for Elliott every week before then. (That sounds dirty, I'm sorry.) This year I didn't pick up the phone even once. I would have voted to get Ryan and Simon to make out, though.

Melinda performs with BeBe and CeCe Winans! I'm feeling the spirit! I'm getting my praise on! I'm holding up the light and saving the world from darkness! Well, I'm trying to, anyway. I wish Paula had a church fan for this.

Let's take a loving look back at all the Ford-AI music videos through the magic of outtakes and bloopers, set to a bored version of "Time After Time." You mean they had FUN making those things? (Hahaha that is a joke, because even the bloopers look like no fun! Hahaha!)

Please no one ever sing "I'll Stand By You" again. Not even YOU, Carrie Underwood, and your stupid fluffy-gown-over-jeans outfit that at first glance made me think you had your period all over yourself, and it was blue. P.S. how nasal can one person sound? Because this is a performance to be tested by scientists here. She sounds TERRIBLE. And I don't even hate her, really, but she sounds SO SO SO SO BAD. Tony Romo (a place for ribs) is having a bad effect on her!

Clive Davis, please don't talk to me about a "huge explosion of Chris Daughtry." Just get off my TV. I've read Hit Men, I don't like you. The only thing getting me through this segment is seeing my man Phil acting like a goof at the side of the stage. Blah blah Fantasia blah blah blah Katherine McPhee blah blah Carrie Underwood blah blah blah. WRAP IT UP, VAMPIRE. That was directed at Clive Davis, incidentally. I realize that when Phil's around, that could be confusing.

Here's the African Children's Choir to bring back the spirit of "Idol Gives Back". I can't believe I'm seeing talented young people on this show! Oh ho ho. I'm waiting for Simon to remind them this isn't a dancing competition.

And now let's devote a video package to the ironic celebration of Sanjaya. You know, saying he is continuing on the path blazed by John F. Kennedy, Martin Luther King Jr. and Gandhi might offend some people. Just saying. Oh, he gets a solo performance? Really? With Joe Perry? It's a paycheck. "You Really Got Me." Oh. Oh oh. This is tremendous.

That young man can work a wind machine. This needs a run-in from Haley in a go-go cage. Was it the best performance of the night so far? Oh, by a long shot.

Green Day, please get over yourselves. You don't have what it takes to follow Sanjaya. FFWD

A return from a commercial break brings on a sneak attack by Taylor Hicks. He's sneaking out onstage and everything. Don't tell anyone he's here! Or that he's singing!

Nice shiny Victoria's Secret blazer. I initially thought it was tooled leather, probably because I see him and the word "tool" comes to mind. Blake Lewis, your future is now.

Oh wow, Jordin's duet partner is RUBEN!

RUBEN!!! Oh, and he's totally outsinging her. Hot. Oh Ruben, you'll always be magic. This is "You're All I Need to Get By" incidentally. She'll be there to push him up that hill! (She probably could, too! Oh ho ho) Another highlight of the evening is the shot of Jennifer Hudson in the audience, shimmying in complete spite of herself, looking bored out of her mind. She's a complicated lady.

It's interesting to note there were actual tornado warnings and thunderstorm warnings all up in our area during this broadcast, but I don't remember seeing any graphics during this show! Hmm hmm, Fox 9! Scandalous! They could have interrupted the Gwen Stefani segment, I'm sure people would have been more entertained.

Speaking of entertainment:

Oh Bette, or should I say Miss Bette Midler, you are a long long way away from The Rose (which need I remind you is truly quite possibly my favorite Rock Movie of all time), singing all off-key and Muppety and acting like you have nothing but contempt for "Wind Beneath My Wings," which is, in case you didn't know, the song you're singing right now, and dare I say based on this performance, good luck selling more tickets to that Vegas run which, correct me if I'm wrong, you're only here to promote.

Kelly Clarkson returns to us, wearing one of those outfits she really, really shouldn't be wearing, and how can you not love her for that (Chris: "She looks like she's in the wrong aspect ratio"), singing "Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band" with Mr. Joe Perry and I hope this is leading up to something. Next up is Taylor Hicks, in a shirt made entirely of Reynolds Wrap, singing "A Day in the Life." I really hope this is leading up to something. Ugh, Carrie Underwood, ruining "She's Leaving Home" with reluctant assistance from our Top 6 ladies. This better be leading up to something. (I have a feeling it might be!) Now it's Ruben! Singing "Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds!" CLEARLY this is what this was all leading up to!!!! This rules. Ruben, you are magic and beauty and light and holiness. Oh wait, here are the Top 6 guys. Now the Top 12 all sing "With a Little Help From My Friends" together. This better be leading up to something, jeez. Is it Gina tripping up the stairs in those badass silver shoes? Is it Haley, who is still completely insane? Um ... apparently so, because now it's over. OH COME ON.

And this is the point where my DVR cuts out, and I don't know who won. Seriously, I don't. But I bet Jordin won. She did, didn't she? I mean, Fox 9 wouldn't be doing live hits from a Jordin Sparks party if she didn't. Unless the partygoers are overturning cars or setting things on fire, but then again that's what always happened in Chicago when the Bulls won the finals. Or was that the Blackhawks? Or both? Anyway, duh:

I'd be crying too if I had that jackal flapping his limbs at me.

Posted by Kim at May 24, 2007 01:27 AM | The Sound of Breaking Glass