Shot through the art, and you're to blame

Oh Ryan Seacrest, you are looking so fly tonight. THIS is American Idol!

It's times like these, when we are down to the final two, that I really, really wish I had the capacity to screencap. I'll have to wait until they put up pictures and come back and add them later. It has to be done.

Randy's jacket is OUTRAGEOUS. It's like a Haggar blazer attacked by a lazy Bedazzler--with chainz! I know Paula looks like she was dragged out from under a table, but I desperately want to cop her look tonight. I think a lot of that has to do with the fact that she looks as though she was dragged out from under a table. (That dress is seriously discount Catherine Deneuve fabulous though.)

When discussing past "battles of the sexes" in past final twos, Ryan misses the obvious "Ruben and Clay" joke. I'm very disappointed. Simon makes a Sexy Wink Face to make it all OK. Ryan says "bitch" and I'm scandalized! Don't make parents have to explain to their children that that word has another meaning! Honestly.

Only the music of Supertramp can convey the emotion of auditions in Seattle. Christopher is excited for this reason. He calls Blake "The Miz." That works on many levels! It's worth noting that Blake is significantly more bloated today than he was at auditions. It must be all that partying I keep reading about in the Enquirer's "Hollywood After Dark" each week.

Oh man, so Blake wins the coin toss and asks Jordin if she wants to go first and she's all like ::scared face::"nuh-uh!" so Blake decides to go first. So he lets Jordin close the show? Wow, that's ... interesting strategy. She's a master manipulator who is sure to go far in this business.

Blake forces us to revisit "You Give Love a Bad Name" if only to destroy me. At least he didn't miss his cue this time! His disregard for enunciation is killing me. "Passion's a prissig"? "Shot through the art"? Yeah, says you, mister.

I feel guilty for making fun of Blake's enunciation when Jordin gives us "Fighter" (in the style of Christina Aguilera) and it is horrifying. I couldn't even keep up to pick out anything that made no sense because the whole thing made no sense:

Makemmweahuaubueuahhhh
Butuwheuyouueandiiitnetooooah
Mamamamauehueialiiayuen'tsiaoeahhhhhh--uh
Whauuuaeleaooyy
Fighter!

So bad. So so so so so bad. I give the first round to ... Satan.

Oh come ON. Blake continues on his quest to be the world's foremost Maroon 5 cover artist with yet another Maroon 5 song. The one that he hasn't done yet. That one. Pull up your pants, mister! I'm disrespected by the cut of your trousers! "Ask her if she wants to stay a vile"? Yes, exactly.

Marlee Matlin is the luckiest guest in the house tonight.

Jordin is EMOTING! through "A Broken Wing." She's telling a story through the magic of song! I agree with Paula in that she is in "great vocal voice." I thought this was really really good. I did. I did. I am a sucker.

I can't stop laughing over how the title of the Original Finalist Song is "This Is My Now." Or how Blake starts the song perched on the Titantron, giving us all a big crotch shot in his polyester slacks. He looks like he was dressed by Good Charlotte. That is not a compliment. Dude, seriously, curb your crotch. Oh, you mean his argyle sweater vest SPARKLES?! I really shouldn't be surprised. He goes way off the rails off key, apparently because he's concentrating too hard on attempting some Tony Hadley stage moves. Let me take a moment to send out a special message to one Blake Lewis:

Greater men than you have tried and failed to evoke Tony Hadley's sexual dynamism onstage. It cannot be done.

So yeah, this is a total straightforward reading of a boring song no one has heard. This is my WOW. This is the time when I tell all those people who were like "Oh man Blake should be in the finals so he can totally take those CHEESY Idol singles to the NEXT LEVEL with his EDGY EDGINESS" to, hmm, "Suck it."

Annnnnnnnnnd when it's Jordin's turn it's like sing sing sing sing sing and then she PERFECTLY times the "burst into tears" moment at the end of the song and WE HAVE A WINNER!

Unless people are so motivated by the obviousness of it all to vote for Sir Craps-a-Lot and his protruding crotch. Hmm, maybe this isn't such a cakewalk after all.

And now let's close out the night with Chris Daughtry, who looks like his makeup was done by Pete Wentz. That is not a compliment. Bahahahahaha DAUGHTRY bahahahahahahahaha. "Be careful what you wish for" indeed. THIS is American Idol!

Posted by Kim at May 22, 2007 10:19 PM | The Sound of Breaking Glass