Our four contestants will be singing TWICE for us tonight! I yell "ugh no" at the TV! THIS is American Idol!
Barry "The Lion" Gibb is our sexy, sexy mentor. I love the Bee Gees, or should I say I love Bee Gees, for there is no "the" in Bee Gees. Barry is looking puffy and he sounds like he's having trouble with his teeth. This worries me. He comments on how his vast experience in working with ladies (rrowr!) means he's looking forward to working with these last four contestants. Haha, suck it Blake.
Paula is looking so very Dynasty tonight.
Ahh, "Love You Inside Out," a tremendous selection. Hey, this isn't Feist night! Barry makes a joke about how he sings like a lady. I love you, Barry Gibb! Melinda's shirt has bat wings and it's like she's wearing a company ID lanyard around her neck. Her hair looks hot though. Seriously, I want that wig. The strut is back! This is what Randy calls "a solid performance." I desperately need him to change up his vocabulary. Don't let me down, Randy!
Oh no, "You Should Be Dancing," with the promise of alleged beatboxing and "vocal entendres." This is offkey and horrifying. Oh my God. Oh no. Oh my God. Why does he keep singing "my baby" instead of "my woman," yet he's plainly singing about a lady who's juicy and is trouble? Sweet Jesus, he's experiencing a counterfeit George Benson/Al Jarreau moment. P.S. His outfit seems to be a tribute to either China Crisis or Alphaville. This is an embarrassment of phenomenal and epic proportions. Randy: "That song didn't need none of that!" FINALLY some incisive criticism. Bless you, Randy Jackson. He delivers the patented Simon Cowell "weird discotheque in some foreign country" line. Oh man, they cut off Simon in mid-dis. HOW DARE YOU. Hahaha, even Ryan is busting on this dude. I laugh and I live.
We have a competition for the biggest travesty of the night with "Stayin' Alive," slowed down and with some messed-up syncopation. Ah AH ah AH ah AH-AH, stayin' alive. Are you kidding me. She's also distracted by her bangs through the entire thing. Disastrous. Also if you sing "look the other way" and decide to act out the lyrics, you might want to move your microphone with your head so people can hear you as you continue to sing. Just a thought. Good Lord woman stop messing with your bangs. "Baby, it weren't working, man," Randy says. It's like he's reading my thoughts tonight!
Please don't wear a summer dress and a petticoat over a pair of jeans. Oh wait, you DID. While singing "To Love Somebody," at that. These children today have a lot of nerve. "I haven't heard a greater version than Jordin's," Barry said. Oh man, Josh Gracin, are you gonna stand for that? I can't say this is good because I love this song too much and I just can't do it. Also, that outfit is a travesty. I'm disappointed in you children.
RESET AND START OVER
Oh dear, the hair's gone from Cheryl Ladd to Suzi Quatro. Maybe not the best look for her. I still want it, though. "How Can You Mend a Broken Heart," brings out "you're a throwback to Stephanie Mills" from Paula for some reason. Uhh. OK.
"This Is Where I Came In," hmm, an interesting choice. Probably because he thinks he can crap all over it with his crappy crap and nobody will say boo. Oh ugh, there goes that 311 "oh oh-oh oh oh" horror again. Also he keeps doing this "pulling a rope" dance move as if it somehow illustrates what he's singing. "The contemporary rebel in this competition," Paula says. Oh honey no. Apparently Blake thinks his performance is too deep and heavy for Simon to understand. Seriously, Ryan asks him "Did you think Simon would 'get it'?" and Blake says "No." I secretly think Ryan is setting this guy up expressly for my happiness and amusement. I love you, Ryan Seacrest!
"Run to Me" is a helluva song! I don't want to hear her sing it! This is ... Zzzzzzzz. It makes "I've Never Been to Me" sound like "Misty Mountain Hop." I see now why there is no "softer side" to this lady as she can't project when she's not yelling. FAIL!
I think Barry is a little in love with Jordin, as he seriously looks like he's in ecstasy (rrowr!) when she's singing. There is one note she keeps singing way, way off and it's driving me nuts. Oh, she's singing "Woman in Love," by the way. This song is hot, but I don't want to hear it from any American Idol contestant, ever. Not even Elliott. According to Jordin, the line is actually "Over an Dover again." Which she sings over and over again. The judges don't like it that much! Well, then, look at that I tell ya.
"You know what's really cool man, is we gotta give props to Barry Gibb, 'cause we got some hot songs we're performing," Randy says. It's like he's reading my mind AGAIN.
It's official: I don't care. Well, I take that back, because just when I was about to say "Whatever, let Blake win so at least I can sit back and laugh at the magnitude of his certain failure," they rolled back the Zapruder footage of "You Should Be Dancing" and I realize I can't even go that far. OR CAN I. Maybe the greatest victory of all would be to see what happens when this douche tries to foist his "vocal entendres" on the general public. I mean, it'd be funny, right? Right?
Posted by Kim at May 8, 2007 11:09 PM | The Sound of Breaking GlassI take back what I wrote last week. Blake was downright putrid. I am sure your crush on him is now OVER.
They all were pretty lousy last night, but I think Lakisha has to be going home now. Or Blake. Or both, please.
I think you need to apologize to China Crisis and Alphaville for lumping that lump of turd into the same sentence with them, too.
Seacrest, out.
Posted by: pieman at May 9, 2007 04:39 AMI appreciate all that China Crisis and Alphaville have done for the history of pop music, but those dudes made bad sartorial choices.
Posted by: Kim at May 9, 2007 09:21 PM