We've got to hold on to what we have

Jordin looks like something the Swiffer picked up under the bed. THIS is American Idol!

Yeah, I kinda didn't feel like watching this last night. I haven't seen or heard a single spoiler or read any writeups or anything, I promise. But I'm fully aware this is still an exercise in futility.

Tonight, a special tribute to the sexy world of Bon Jovi. They tell us all the songs will actually be Bon Jovi songs. I don't believe it. Jon Bon Jovi is talking about making the songs your own. His face no longer looks like his own. He now looks kinda like James Remar. Seriously. What happened?

Mr. Bon Jovi's partner in mentoring: CURLY.

Phil is goin' down in a Blaze of Glory (From the Motion Picture Young Guns II)! He's been hitting the bronzer hard. His jacket horrifies me. It's like laminated burlap or something. This was ... really awesome?! Is Phil winning me back? The less he cares, the better he gets, I guess. Simon says it sucks in what I determine to be a ploy to stir voter sympathy. I see through you.


Jordin loses points with the "my mom loves you guys!" reaction to meeting Mr. Bon Jovi and his ragtag sidekick Curly. She brings out the prop musicians and towers over them. "We've got to hold on to what we have"? Did she really just sing that? Tell me if I was imagining things, because I'm sure you would have noticed that too. There's no place for grammar in rock and roll! This was more ragged than her hair. And Curly's. She looks strangely cute, though. And now she's getting too cute with the judges, ugh. Uh ... what just happened? Where am I? Why am I here?


LaKisha's outfit just made me say "uh" and "what" out loud. Isn't that red stuff supposed to fit under the boobs? I guess that's what they call "making it your own." She seen Bon Jovi on Oprah! Let's dig up one of those songs no one remembers hearing. For crying out loud, "Lay Your Hands on Me" was right there! This was really boring mostly. I guess people like it? IT WAS BORING ROBOT SINGING. Pfft. Whatever.


Oh look, Blake hit the Just for Men this week. I believe that color is called "Doucheburn." I'm sorry I neglected to warn you that picture may give you gonorrhea. He is going to give love a bad name, I take it. Oh no, apparently it's going to be his FUTURISTIC INTERPRETATION of the song like NO ONE has ever heard it from the FUTURE. This doesn't reek of desperation at all. I think Mr. Bon Jovi should have slapped him. He looked like he wanted to! Hahahaha, way to miss your cue, jerkface. Um, this involves lots of "beatboxing" and alleged "vocal entendres," all apparently inspired by 12" mixes of the collected works of Exposé, Cover Girls and Pretty Persuasion. These lyrics about shooting and guns are INSENSITIVE. I'm usually pretty good at describing how awful something is, but I am seriously incapable of putting into words just how awful this is. Anyone who likes this should be embarrassed and have some sort of privileges taken away. In what reality would this man not be laughed off a stage? I seriously do give up on this show.


Chris seems defeated before he even sings. He's wanted, dead or alive! Um, this should be ... yeah. Wait a second, actually, somehow in his weak, meager, inadequate way he actually manages to pull off the idea that he's "going for it" and "meaning it" and I'm not "hating it" so much. It's no "The Boss," though.


Jon Bon Jovi, please feel free to teach me how to rock. "Have a Nice Day," oh Jesus. Joel, I think she's singing that JUST FOR YOU. It's your FAVORITE. Capital letters mean SARCASM. I see she's gone back to the bungee cord designer this week. Don't defy me, woman. I don't particularly care for this!

Hooray, time for the second half of my slow torture. Ryan explains they're "stretching it out" to an hour. Way to get me excited, Ryan! R&B sensation THICKE is here (on tape) to swaggerjack Lewis Taylor for no good reason! Paula is not your lip puppet! Randy audibly laughs in response to Ryan's insistence that people are "buzzing" about Blake! Some dude on the street with a smoothie thinks LaKisha and Jennifer Hudson are the same person! THIS is American Idol!

Wow, filler. Wow. Wow. Just wow.

The Ford/AI music videos are SO LIFELESS this year. For real, these dudes make Katherine McPhee look like Courtney Love.

Aww, see, I cursed yet another one:

Happy trails, you Nosferatu popeyed sailor man son of a gun. Not only didn't I completely hate you, but I also didn't know what the hell to think of you, which is perhaps the greatest victory of all when it comes to American Idol. Enjoy being the new Josh Gracin. At least your wife looks happy about this turn of events!

Check out all those tears on the bench over there. Yeah you better cry for Phil.

And now: TICO TORRES! That dude, man ... I friggin' love that dude. When this song started up I thought it was some sort of fake jaunty Nilsson song for a second. Turns out it is actually fake Snow Patrol. Come on, "Lay Your Hands on Me" was right there!

It's time to break up the power couple of Chris and Blake. Chris loses serious points for being BFF with this tub of evil. They talk about how it doesn't matter who gets cut because they're going on tour together. Uh, so neither of you care about winning this thing? That's classy. Given my track record, is it any wonder which one is tanking out?

We'll always have "The Boss," my man.

Next week: The Barry Gibb Talk Show! It's an all-girl fight to the finish with Jordin, Melinda, LaKisha and Blake! THIS is American Idol!

Posted by Kim at May 2, 2007 11:54 PM | The Sound of Breaking Glass