Welcome to the Jerry Lewis MDA Labor Day Telethon Idol Gives Back, Part II! Coming to you "LIVE" from the usual place and that other place in L.A., you know, the one designed by Frank Gehry, where the worst sightlines in the house are apparently reserved for the cameras! THIS is American Idol!
Some people are not meant to wear all white. Those people are all six of our final contestants. Man, you know Sanjaya would have rocked that look SO hard.
By the way, I really didn't want to watch this, but I'm only doing it mostly on fast-forward, and I didn't start writing anything until halfway through, for what it's worth, so if it seems half-hearted, well, Bob's your uncle.
It pleases me to see they wanted to start the party with Earth Wind & Fire. ZESTIFY.
This just in: Underprivileged people! Also, Ben Stiller is no longer funny.
We welcome Quincy Jones! Dare we call him the man who gave us WE ARE THE WORLD?! His taste in hatwear suggests to me that he is not taking this endeavor seriously. He wrote a charity song for our contestants to perform tonight! It sounds like it could use the hip, current and contemporary flairful flair of a Bobby McFerrin.
Did I ever tell you my first-year college roommate was really into Bobby McFerrin? I thought it was a joke at first, but no, seriously, Bobby McFerrin. I mean, jeez, come ON.
Christopher explains that Paula needed to limit her humanitarian journeys because her emotions are too powerful. I believe this to be true.
All the dudes in Il Divo look like they're half-man, half-pig. I bet my first-year college roommate is really into them.
Not even the appearance of Seal could get Christopher out to watch this show for more than five seconds. If only it was Seal featuring Haley's knockers! THEN we'd have something special.
Melinda and Blake are safe, bleah, whatever. I thought this vote was supposed to be SHOCKING.
Carrie Underwood performs "I'll Stand by You" and I throw up. Carrie should donate some of her eye makeup to these underprivileged people! How dare she flaunt her unlimited access to eyeliner in front of them like that.
The dudes in Rascal Flatts look like they're brothers of the dudes in Il Divo. Plus that singer looks like he's filled with nougat. (Courtesy: MST3K)
Paula's boobs urge us to call and donate now. Christopher: "Are there any knockers in the house?"
The AI-Ford videos have gotten exponentially more disappointing, like, alarmingly so. Although LaKisha's horrific outfit almost saves this one. I wish I could show you, but apparently they ain't giving this one away for free. WHY?!
Aha, this is why: A video potpourri of elderly looking superstars who had five minutes open in their schedules, which is just enough time to be filmed lip-synching to "Stayin' Alive." Hugh Grant, this lighting configuration is not kind to you. Helena Bonham Carter, breathing in all them Kools and Tim Burton's air has not been not kind to you. Keira Knightley, I love you, please eat something. Helen Mirren, I love you, don't ever change. Gillian Anderson, why are you here? Why didn't anyone take the time to at least attempt to make these look as if they were all shot the same way? They have COMPUTERS that can do that, I've heard.
Ryan: Phil, why are you smiling?
Phil: 'Cause I love you, man.
See, just when I thought I got out, he pulls me back in. Oh, and he's safe. Um, yay? Sure, yay, why not.
Only the music of Snow Patrol can convey the true devastation of disease and poverty!
Josh Groban, you creeeeep me ouuuuuuuuuuuut
Kelly Clarkson and ... Jeff Beck? OK then! Dude, he totally feels it. Ahh, I should have known Kelly Clarkson would get more than five seconds of Christopher's attention. He's relieved she apparently didn't feel obligated to go on a crash diet before this show: "Then I'd have to worry about her!"
LaKisha is ... safe? Hrmm.
Apparently whoever put this Celine Dion-Elvis Presley duet package together only had about seven minutes to do it. I mean, where's all the cheesy Forrest Gump fake interaction? They could've spared another three minutes to work that in, for crying out loud. Anyway, guess which one looks more lifelike? HAR HAR HAR
Please help Madonna any way you can.
Let Annie Lennox be your bridge over troubled water. Like Helen Mirren, she is always adorable. I'm starting to worry I didn't get the end of this show on tape. Also, I'm starting to worry about her left boob flying out of her top. Now she's standing up and I'm worried about both boobs. Whew, now it's over. That was suspenseful!
Tonight on the FOX9 News at 9: How this horse ended up inside a bank!
OK, I now feel extremely ripped off and like an idiot for bothering to do this, since both Chris and Jordin are safe, and EVERYONE is safe, and everyone in the audience is groaning, since they decided to not send anyone home on a charity night. (But isn't every Idol show a charity night?) (OH I KID.) (Not really)
Best part of that mess: I saw AJ for a second!!!!!!!!!!! ZESTIFY.
Let's close the show with video proof that Bono was in the same room as the contestants! Either that, or they used all their technical talent to make THIS fake video segment look real. He "surprises them" during a "rehearsal" of a "song," saying, "You murdered that" (???!!??!?!?) and there is no way possible to count the number of levels on which that is wrong-o.
Oh no, we have to sit through the contestants singing some shitty song that Bono and Dave Stewart crapped out in 30 seconds. It's horrible. They all sound horrible. THIS is American Idol! Won't you please help?
Posted by Kim at April 26, 2007 01:31 AM | The Sound of Breaking GlassI feel totally vindicated or I am as low as Idol producers.
All day long at work, I kept telling people they wouldn't send anyone home crying on the big charity night.
At every commerical break, I would tell my wife that nobody was going home.
When Melinda was safe, I said it, because if it was really going to be SHOCKING, she was going home.
I too was worried about Annie's boob.
No, Mr. Trax, there were no knockers, none whatsoever.
Two hours gone. Gone.
Posted by: pieman at April 26, 2007 04:39 AM