It's a very sad day in America. THIS is American Idol!
(I'm not kidding, that's basically how they started the show.)
Tonight we are mentored by the Marg Helgenberger of country music, Martina McBride. I have to say a couple years ago at the State Fair we were sitting by the Grandstand during her show (gotta get a good seat for the fireworks, man) and this lady really can sing and I was like "whoa."
Anyway, COUNTRY!
HATLESS. And singing Keith Urban, apparently the only artist who can fully articulate the experience of growing up in Kansas. It's been a while since I've seen a Lurex-striped shirt ... on a dude. This is not horrible, but it is strangely boring. He's singing like he is asleep. He's sleepwalking through the crowd. He's sleepsoulhugging people in the audience. He's sleepnotgivingashit, clearly. The judges love it! Probably because it was not horrible. Damned by faint praise. This is the season of "I can't believe this didn't suck as much as I was expecting it to" as an indicator of quality.
Jordin is rocking a lovely Loretta Lynn pile of extensions on her head. Or maybe it's more Donna Fargo. Either way, she's looking rather adorable for a change. And this was ... really good? Someone holds up a "Jordin Sparkles" sign which makes me think of Sparkle Magick and I start laughing and the moment is RUINED!
I can't describe Sanjaya's hair other than to say I went through a phase in 10th grade where it kind of looked like that every day, except my bandana was by Generra and it was fly. OH SWEET JESUS NOT "SOMETHING TO TALK ABOUT." How many times do I have to tell you people. He goes back to sing with the background singers and I believe his very presence just got them all pregnant. This is a veritable geyser of retardation. "You love adversity, don't you," Paula says. Then why does he look so sad that people hate it?
"Jesus Take the Wheel" can only mean she wants to show up Carrie Underwood, right? Ooh, better luck next time, because this is horrible! I mean it is truly truly unbearably bad. Grating and shrieky and just ghastly. Nice gold hooker boots, though. The judges are diplomatic in their hating it, and she's clearly not having it. Drama!!!
Martina says he's "really versatile," and that cracks me up for reasons I cannot explain. The Members Only look is BACK! You can't see me, but I'm giving the TV the thumbs-up. Is his mic totally hot? It sounds like it. Squeeee. This was boring. This weren't no "The Boss." The judges are less diplomatic in their hating it. Oh my word, he just responded to the judges with the very line that you see up there as the title. Verbatim. I'm not joking. And then he takes a moment to send his love out to Virginia Tech. Uh ... wow. That's just ... wow. I can't ... wow. This was not the person I was expecting to put the "count" in country.
OK, this one appears to be wearing a stained beach coverup held together by bungee cord. You have to see it. It is not cute. I bet Jordin dressed her. SABOTAGE! This is some song that apparently no one has ever heard of. It's one of them songs with all them country cliches in it that everyone always hates, like about trucks and bars and shit, but it wasn't awful or anything. Simon compliments her look, hahahaha. Then he tells her to lose the "I'm shocked you like me" reactions. I love you, Simon Cowell!
This is the biggest travesty of put-on enunciation since "Revenge." But in that case, it RULED. This one here, ugh, really is horrible. It's like he thinks he's Double or Johnny Hates Jazz or some shit. WTF.
Yeah, uh, WTF. That about sums it up.
Posted by Kim at April 17, 2007 09:04 PM | The Sound of Breaking GlassWe've known each other a long time, and I think I can ask you anything.
So.
Was I the first guy you were friends with who was also straight?
(Love, the Redneck Woman)
Posted by: Mr. Trax at April 17, 2007 09:55 PMI don't know if it's just that I'm high on hockey, but I feel like Sanjaya rules, even if he totally has my cleaning-the-house bandana on. Also, Dollie bet me he'd do a one-finger-in-the air "oh no you didn't" gesture (a la me) in the song, but he didn't, so I get $1.
Posted by: jane at April 17, 2007 10:10 PMOh Jane! I was TOTALLY expecting that too! Sanjaya is a rulebreaker.
Chris, I know there's a good Sylvester joke to be made but I just can't find it. :-*
Posted by: Kim at April 17, 2007 10:21 PMPS Can I please please thank you for pointing out "Nasally is a form of singing"? Because I was having to watch this on fast-forward since I had hockey night and had to get up at 4AM, but since I was reading while watching, I knew I couldn't pass that part. I was appalled at his amazing dumbness. PS You are #1!
Posted by: jane at April 20, 2007 08:57 PMOH! And also that your Johnny Hates Jazz note was so helpful. Dollie was like, "Why does this sound like '80s British soft rock" and I said, "AH! Kim said Johnny Hates Jazz!" So we sang, "I thOUGHT it was YOUUU!" over his whole performance. Five stars! PS I am drunk! I know you'd never guess that.
Posted by: jane at April 20, 2007 09:00 PMAlso he was so snotty about it. Snotty and nasally. I couldn't even remember where Double was from but they're Swiss, and I know how you feel about the Swiss. Oh man, maybe if B```` is the new Five Star for the 2K7! Thank you for being drunk! I love it!
Posted by: Kim at April 21, 2007 09:17 PM