Tonight, Gwen Stefani guides us through the music of No Doubt and the artists who inspired No Doubt. I hope one of those artists is Beaver Boys! Aren't there any dishes to do in this house? That sounds like more fun. Like waaay more fun.
Yes, apparently Donna Summer is the music of No Doubt and the artists who inspired No Doubt. "Last Dance," eh. You don't say. This is predictable. I love her dress, though. Is that Madonna for H&M?
This Gwen Stefani special is sponsored by Coke. YOU DON'T SAY.
This dude is looking as Flo and Eddie as humanly possible tonight. "Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic," well why not. I wish he was singing this about Jesus instead, that would RULE. How can you sing off-beat to the Police? Not even John Davidson would pull that (but if he did it would sound GREAT). OK, so now it's over and even he looks disgusted in himself. Everyone hates it. We're all in agreeance. Dude shoulda sang it about Jesus. Let Jesus be your metronome!
It's a beautiful day of emotion for Gina, who can't stop crying to Gwen Stefani and about Gwen Stefani. OH NO. NOT "I'LL STAND BY YOU." DON'T YOU REMEMBER WHAT I SAID BACK THERE?! I give up. Everyone loves this. I don't even remember listening to it because I am SICK OF THIS SONG.
Wow, "Bathwater," an actual No Doubt song, and one I don't even hardly remember. Good times, when I can't remember No Doubt singles. He shoulda done one of those ones about wanting to get pregnant. Wait, maybe this is one of those? This "wacky" show-pony hairdo is nothing compared to the Beverly Johnson special. Did he just sing "Nazi"? I have to love this guy at this point, he clearly does not give a shit. That's the right attitude to have about this season, son. The judges are like, please, at least make an effort. Hahahaha. They didn't ask that of Jon Peter Lewis. Ryan: "Thank you for the entertainment!"
Gwen disses Haley, which makes me like her more. Haley, that is. She is rocking some mad lower lashes tonight. I think I have those! "True Colors," yawn. More of that Disney singing. I'm bored. This show bores me. Youdon'tsay.
The popeyed sailor man is wearing a hat tonight. THANK YOU GOD. Granted it's a crocheted newsboy cap, but it's progress. Oh wow, "Every Breath You Take." Gwen Stefani night is actually the Police night. YOU DON'T SAY. He is Donovan Leitchier than ever tonight somehow. I will now be distracted for several minutes trying but failing to find clips from The In Crowd on YouTube. DAMN YOU INTERNET.
"Heaven Knows," well, I guess Gwen Stefani night is actually Donna Summer featuring Brooklyn Dreams night. I love this song, but oh no. The first half is off-key, and the second half, I swear she made up all the words. My heart is broke! Randy says she is actually living the words. The words she made up! Paula says something about spades. What? I promise I didn't have THAT much to drink tonight.
Have you noticed in this Old Navy shorts commercial how all the women seem to be looking around like, "Thank God I'm surrounded only by other women who are wearing these short-ass hoochie shorts"?
"Love Song" by the Cure. With a "reggae" "beat". I think I should fast forward through this. Joel, I will put up a picture of this outfit tomorrow, I promise. In the meantime, just think "Garth Brooks sweatsuit". Randy is squeamish about this performance. "It was a little bit ... " SHITTY. JUST SAY IT. He left it in a tender spot! What? Why does Paula kiss this guy's ass? "Hip" and "cool" and "contemporary"? I don't want whatever drugs she's taking. Simon invokes "indulgent" and "boring" because he possesses a sage-like wisdom. Dude starts singing "Don't Speak." Ryan: "Don't sing it, we have to pay for it." I LOVE YOU RYAN SEACREST. There, I said it.
What, an actual No Doubt song? YOU DON'T SAY. "Hey Baby" is annoying! Why doesn't anyone sing the one where they did the video on the Jet Skis. You know, that one. That was a good song! Oh no, bad outfit. Really bad outfit. I long for the days of the tap recital dress. I have ... nothing else to say here.
Closing out the night with "Don't Speak," an actual No Doubt song. Ohhhh, I get it, so that was Blake up there making the BITCH MOVE. You don't say. Gwen basically says, "I hope he doesn't fuck it up with his fake JT crap." Oh, jealous? Just admit it and get your glitter G logo out my face. There appears to be a Fred Hoiberg lookalike in the audience. Chilling. I didn't really notice this. Was it any good? Probably not.
Oh well. Par for the course on this crap episode. Needed more Beaver Boys. Or the raw emotion of the Pizza Boy abstinence song. I ain't no ho-ho!
Melinda DoNOT is dead to me. Of course this is one of my 100 all-time favorite songs, and then I had to sing the song over her because she sang it in the wrong key and like an old lounge singing lady. Like Kiki only not kidding and not nearly as good.
Posted by: jane at March 28, 2007 11:36 AMJust awful. I can't even bring myself to defend Blake this week. Can't do it.
It's sad when the best singer this week was Nosferatu in the newsboy cap. Yeesh.
What the hell was Chris Sligh thinking? Putrid.
Sanjaya - if you're wearing your hair all goofy, let a little loose, fella.
Maybe they'll all be voted off tonight?
Posted by: pieman at March 28, 2007 03:45 PM