You must pronounciate everything

I have an ulcer. Thanks, AI. Welcome to the Best Platform in the History of Television! Super, I love platforms. Ugh, two hours of this crap.

Oh my God, Sanjaya's hair just made me die. Now I'm dead! This Diana Ross package is a cavalcade of fabulousness. Nothing like some sequined dolman sleeves to make my day.

This starts the show? This dude should be singing those crappy cover songs for commercials. You can't hurry Dove's campaign for real beauty. Ohh wait, you can't hurry this dude screwing up the song! Bahahaha. Ladies and gentlemen, THIS is American Idol.


This was my cousin's pageant song when she was Miss Hawaii. Dare I say this is better! Paula is a sobbing mess. It's another beautiful day of emotion!


"Endless Love" COLDPLAY STYLE! Lisping? Check. Ugh. Even worse than you think it sounds. This dude without glasses scares the crap out of me. I thought Endless Love's mature themes of premarital sex and setting fires would be contrary to his Christian beliefs! Paula says he's "try[ing] too hard to be 'hip' and 'cool'," which is fabulous. Simon likens this performance to MURDER. I love this show!


Miss Ross brings us both "pronounciate" and "pronunciate" in her mentor segment. I think Gina's lost 15 pounds in the last week. I'm worried about her! This is bleah but I still like her. I blame the ulcer. "Love Child" is "a feelgood song," Paula says. This show never fails to thrill and amaze.


Sanjaya compares Miss Ross to Van Gogh. He just called her crazy! There is something in his spirit that is the winning ingredient, explains Miss Ross, and it is not his hair. The hair is all he has! Or had. YOU HAVE TO SEE HIS HAIR. It's not even Sideshow Bob or Justin Guarini, it is straight out the Beverly Johnson collection. Randy proclaims it to be "poppin" and "bangin." The hair, that is. There simply ain't no mountain high enough. Simon gives him a Brave Choice Award just to be an extra bitch. I love this show!


Haley selects "Missing You." She's singing it for her fiancé, and Miss Ross explains she sang it for a man in her life she'd lost, and that man's name was ... MARVIN GAYE. I get the sense Miss Ross wants to slap somebody! Ooh, she messes up the words and has a big arm-swinging meltdown for a little bit. Simon is tremendously charitable, perhaps to convince people not to vote for her? Oh, now she flips out again. At least she cries prettier than Antonella.


Miss Ross likes the popeyed sailor man! Oh no, goin' hatless. He should wear some crazy-ass toupees every week. I mean, come on, that would be hot. You know, he sounds OK and stuff, but when I look at him, I see this. Or hmm, this. He got the bat ears and everything.


"God Bless the Child"? That's cheating. So if there's a Van Halen night, I guess we should look forward to "Dancing in the Street" and "You Really Got Me." I got nothing else here.


I just ... I don't want to even ... no. Let me just say, "You Keep Me Hangin' On," in which he arranges it with HIS OWN "BEATS"! to update it for THE FUTURE! like NO ONE ELSE! has EVER! done before, like say, I dunno, Kim Wilde or Colourbox or the Vanilla Fudge. This makes the Kim Wilde version sound like, hmm, Big Black by comparison. At one point he is so caught up in the ecstasy of himself that he forgets to start the next line. What he's achieved is to put "maybe a little more electronic vibe to it," he explains. To yo ass, muhfuh!


How one manages to drain the life from "Love Hangover," I don't understand. She used to be so sassified! Now she is so boring! Still, Blake also makes this sound like Big Black by comparison.


Oh damn, "The Boss." He cannot possibly be straight. I love it! He sounds so weak. I do not care. POP THAT CORN! A+++++++++++++++++++++++++


So I guess her deal is singing them crappy songs from them cartoon movies? I can't look at her dress, which she apparently wore straight from her tap recital. Aww she's cute though. But sweet Jesus that dress.

These next few months are not gonna be pretty.

(I miss Elliott.)

Posted by Kim at March 13, 2007 09:14 PM | The Sound of Breaking Glass