Clock in, clock out

Ryan is paying homage to Carl Sagan, turtleneck-style. SEXY! I actually do mean that. What is wrong with me?

What we don't know is she wanted to play football, I guess? Look out, she will drop you! Something must be horribly wrong this season if she can do Pat Benatar, hit 57 ghastly notes and it somehow sounds fantastic after last night.


What we don't know is she wanted to be a TV newsperson. Here is some footage of her doing an on-air report for her high school news program, titled--wait for it--Diablo Heat, apparently in 1982. Hahahahaha because she's old! I seriously want to hear her bust out some Latin freestyle after seeing that. It doesn't matter if it's wrong or right. En Vogue is not what I was hoping for. Also, this is terrible and boring. Simon breaks out "hotel resort performance" for this. Hotel AND resort? Damn. I look forward to the day someone rates a "hotel, motel, Holiday Inn."


What we don't know is that she plays the violin. As well as she sings, I hope! I like how she is wearing the most whorish boots possible. Hahahaha Simon is such a bitch. She's "taken a lot of stick" indeed!


What we don't know is that she became a singer because she couldn't be a gymnast anymore. Isn't that how it happened for all of us? If her heart had wings, it would fly out of her body and then she would DIE. She looks like Marie Osmond in profile. This is so terrible. Randy says she "had no, like, yo" and "needs some wow." Far more eloquent than I could ever be.


What we don't know is that she's been singing since she was three! What a stretch, I'm shocked. Although bless her for doing that as this "revelation" precipitates the GREATEST CHILD IDOL VIDEO EVER, which is her at, like, age five maybe, singing "I'M GOIN' DOWN," honest to God, on every suburban home's makeshift superstar stage, which is to say in front of the fireplace, dishing out the Raw Emotion like you would not believe. THAT RULED. Her performance does not rule as much but I still like her more than pretty much anyone else. Faint praise, I know.


What we don't know is that she is terrified of animals. All animals. Wow. OK. She has no trouble mackin' on Ryan Seacrest, though! Am I right, people? Don't make her clooooose one more door (so put those animals away)! Simon prefers this look to last week's. Keep in mind he is wearing a henley (what you don't know about me is I HATE HENLEYS!!!) that is like unbuttoned to his navel. Whatever.

YES YES YESSS COUNTDOWN TO AARON PIERCE YES. Now I'm in the "bone zone"! If only they bring back Chase with a bionic arm and team him up with Zombie Tony. These are the magic things I dream about.

What we don't know is that she has lucky charms. HER BOOBS. Haha j/k. Evanescence? Oh boy. Why do people choose songs by people with rabid hater-ass fanbases? I don't get it. Look how pink her bra is! Look how unsupportive it is! I can't believe Chris is missing this. I seriously must be losing my mind to be rooting for her.


What we don't know is that she's OCD. Girl, I understand. Listen to her explain it! It's TOTALLY REASONABLE, people. Stop making fun of me. OMG I was totally singing this song at work today. It's like we're the same person! I seem to recall doing that Miss Jay runway strut too. I can't help but throw in the occasional Enjoli! though. Favorite!

Yay. Happy end. Anyone I like gets kicked off, though, there'll be hell to pay. I mean it's not like I'm voting or anything, but you know.