Eight guys are left! Why is this show an hour long? This one has his hair slicked down in an apparent attempt to make him look more like this one. They're twins! Shitty, shitty twins. Everyone is making bad hair choices tonight. Big Dump is wearing some heavy-duty anti-rosacea pancake. I admire its strength. I could use that strength to get through this show.
Tonight's theme: What don't we know about you? The correct answer can only be "That I am talented."
Oh my God. What we don't know is that he is an improvisational comedian. He performs as one of his "characters," complete with prop teeth and a wig and a WACKY HILLBILLY NAME. None of this helps his case. I guess improvisational comedy and "vocal entendres" don't mix. Sweet Jesus, is this a Sublime song? Oh, 311. Same difference. There is something going on in his pants area that suggests he is in the "bone zone." Randy calls his performance "really current." My research staff (husband) informs me this song is from 1996. Neither Randy nor Paula know what the song is. I envy them for having missed out on 311. And Sublime, too, why not. He says 311 is his favorite band. Every day I die a little bit more. A-diggity-riggity-diggity-die. It's like this guy was engineered with no purpose other than to make me angry.
The choker is BACK. What we don't know is that he can hula! Ohhhhh there he goes. Ohhh there he goes AGAIN. I ain't putting the zest crown on you, I'm sorry. He sings "Waiting for the World to Change" a.k.a. the love theme from the episode of "C.S.I." when Willows gets roofied. That's the best thing I can say about this.
Two words: 1) fauxhawk; 2) eyeliner. What we don't know is that he's actually not fat? Honestly, I believe that more than I believe Blake is a comedian. Jeremy smoked in class today! Yes, words in Pearl Jam songs are HARD. I wish you could see Chris make faces during this show, it's tremendous. Two out of three judges liked it. I miss Elliott so very, very much.
What we don't know is that he used to play football (ooh!) and be fatter (oh no!)--also that when he wears a hat, he looks like Frankie Muniz. That last bit of information chills me to the very core of my being. I have no idea what this song is, but apparently it is by Keith Urban. It sounds like everything else I have ever ignored.
Jared is for the ladies, y'all. What we don't know is that he played Division II NCAA basketball. Chris informs me this is not a real division, whatever that means. Remember when Elliott did this song and it was awesome? I miss Elliott. This guy is even more balls-out spastic than usual. I need my meds! Paula is remarkably constructive in her criticism. Clearly she was inspired to take her meds too.
What we don't know is that he can play the piano, which really is like saying "Did you know I'm musically talented?" Now I'm just sad. He just wants to celebrate another day of livin'! He kinda turned into Pootie Tang at one point, inspiring this entry's title. Congratulations! That's about the best I can do for you tonight, I'm sorry.
He takes my advice and wears an Awful Hat. What we don't know is that he used to have hair. No shit. They show a picture of him with hair and it brings to mind when a serial killer gets arrested and the only picture they can dig up is like taken on a Kodak Disc so it's all grainy and crappy and he's way off to the side and partially cut off but it's the ONLY picture anyone can find of the guy, who just always kept to himself and really seemed so normal and they never thought he would be capable of doing something so terrible, like this LeAnn Rimes song, apparently while impersonating Cher. Now that's what I call a showstopper!
Oh wait, there's one more. What we don't know is also something about his hair, which I understand less than that other dude talking about how he's not fat. He attempts some microphone stand moves. They are awkward and poorly timed. Do I know this song? Do I care? Is he wearing a bottle opener around his neck? So many questions. He apologizes for "not bringing it," which is like, hi, wave a white flag.
I give up too. Tonight on "House," Dave Matthews plays a guy who has a seizure while performing. WHAT A STRETCH! Am I right people?!
Do you really make Chris watch this crap with you?
Because I make my wife watch this crap with mem you know. She makes believe she's drifting off to sleep, but I make sure I wake her up to see Chris Sligh's hair. Yup.
I should make it clear he does not actually watch this show, but if he is in earshot, I mean, he can't *not* react to "Jeremy smoked in class today" or, say, Sanjaya in general. On occasion he will actually look at the TV and those moments are usually quite priceless.
Posted by: Kim at March 7, 2007 01:21 PM