Try not to be so crappy

Title courtesy the philosophical critical mind of Neon Fat Dude (NFD).

I hope someone does "I Sit Down When I Pee" because it is totally stuck in my head today. There are some dudes wearing stupid hats tonight. None of them are bald Donovan Leitch, who continues to need a hat desperately, stupid or not. Oh guess who's first?

His shirt is ill fitting in a clingy and weird way. He reminds me of that Fuzztones video in the insane asylum. Like he'd be a fake insane dude who would be in a music video in a fake insane asylum. Is he pear-shaped? I don't get it. You know, a HAT would balance that out.


"My suit here, this is how I'm doin' it, you know." Hey smoove, word. Oh no, "Let's Get It On"?! This is ill-advised. Yes, this song works great with awkward pointing gestures and stiff hopping around. Nice white sneakers with that suit. Um, I got nothing else. Is he rubbing his face?! I need to fast-forward through this or I might go sterile.


PLEASE MAKE THIS SHOW WORTHWHILE. Oh man. This is zestalicious and full of Raw Emotion. Do the lasso! Oh, A.J., bless you. It's all downhill from here.


Is there a picture of this outfit someplace? Because if you haven't seen it, you need to see it. His face just keeps sinking, like he's realizing he can't grasp the complexity of "steppin' out with my baby" and doesn't understand why those words are coming out of his mouth. Simon breaks out "ghastly." And he even pulled his hair back. THE HAIR IS ALL YOU HAVE. Ugh! I don't know what to do with these kids anymore.


Aww, he's married. That's cute, because he does look like he's 15. He's been saved by a woman! He's SEXING IT UP. Should I know what this song is? Ray LaMontagne? I don't even know who that is. Oh yeah, that WAS a Taylor song from last year. This is boring.


This is OK in a 98 Degrees kind of way. He does kind of look like someone at the bottom of the Lachey food chain. Aww, he's a nice guy, even if all his pictures employ the "MySpace angle." Oh wow, that fell apart quickly. Ack. At least he played it off ... sort of. I wonder if anyone will vote for him now that they know he has a girlfriend.


"Virtual Insanity," ah well, I look forward to this totally sucking. NICE HAT. I need to find a picture of that too, it looks like a shower cap with a brim (to the left, to the left). Oh no, beatboxing and a Jay Kay dance impression. A DANCE IMPRESSION. Why do I hate this guy so much? He must remind me of someone awful. Like HIMSELF. Simon is the voice of reason and calls him out on being a waste of time. I think we're all in agreeance here. Sweet Jesus, he calls what he does "vocal entendres." I have been justified.


Oh man, I totally thought this was "Lost in Love" when it started and then SHOCKING SWERVE, it is actually "Time After Time." It was boring. He was trying to FEEL IT, he says. Paula felt his heart. I have nothing else to say about this.


Haha, his pictures of his grandma are awesome. She looks like she'd kill you as soon as look at you. He's a little more Nick Carter than JT but I still like him OK. Dude needs to learn to project. Ugh, Jason Mraz. I guess everyone thought it was good? Yay?


I have a new name for this dude: BIG DUMP. Oh joy, "Mustang Sally." By comparison he makes the Commitments sound like the blackest shit ever. His chest hair is disgusting. Randy says he "dropped a bomb on 'em." Oh, indeed.

Ugh. Maybe next week A.J. can do "Doo Dah Doo Doo." That would make life worth living.

Posted by Kim at February 28, 2007 01:56 AM | The Sound of Breaking Glass