I know I didn't do it last year. My heart wasn't in it, or it was too much work, or I hated everyone, or I don't know. I guess I thought it was a wasted effort, which, you know, it kind of is.
But I really really need to get something to get me writing again, with no more of this two-posts-a-month-(about-Brad Miller) nonsense, and in the absence of a new In the Kingdom of the Blind in my life -- ack, that was actually a year ago?! -- I guess it's got to be Idol.
At least Chris keeps yelling at me: "DO IT. DOOOO IIIIIT!" because, see, the horror is, he's been really busy watching "Deal or No Deal." That show actually plays on a TV in our house. This is a sad fact of life, and I feel that by admitting it in a public forum I am well on my way to recovery, as though Detective Olivia Benson is right here saying, "I promise you everything is going to be OK ... just tell us who did this to you." And I believe her.
So yeah, Idol. Is it my imagination, or are there a lot of really porny people this season? Even the children. I don't get it. Also, I hate practically everyone, which should make this a really exciting year. Tonight was so awful, I needed to watch the new Yacht Rock just to muster up the courage and inspiration to soldier on.
I don't know even where to start with this, so I guess I'll start with the people who are gone.
I'm not going to miss Patrick, but I am going to miss "Patrick's Friends," a.k.a. David Gest and Amanda Lepore. DID YOU SEE THEM?!?! Oh my GOD, they were nutrageous. When that one dude did the awful "Crazy Little Thing Called Love," I kept rewinding to them and pausing on them to dull the pain. They were FANTASTIC. Oh well. No more "Patrick's Friends." You left us far too soon. I'm pouring out a little crazy juice for you.
Hey, you know what? No.
Aww, Stevie. Remember Stevie? She was nice, Stevie. I knew she was history before the show even started. I feel bad. Sorry, Stevie!
I am so relieved she's gone, because I don't know how long I would have been able to come up with new "Nightcap" plot descriptions, as week after week Nikki Fritz's sexy cousin Tawny (Becky O'Donohue) surprises the "Nightcap" gang with a sexy performance in the club ... and a sexy secret is revealed! Vic: Scott Duc. Thaddeus: Trevor Dean. Seriously, this lady has Beeftink written all over her.
Who's this lady again? Oh yeah, she has a rack. NEXT
When she realizes she has the stage presence of a drunk zombie poodle, she is going to be very sad and "lose her smile" or something. Seriously, between her, Crazy Smile Man and Flaming Lips Reject, this is like a banner year for the disabled. Did you actually listen to her this week? White girl, cease with the riffing. You are an embarrassment. Otherwise, you seem nice and I feel bad you have a stage mom and I'm sorry I'm saying all these horrible things about you. :-*
That honeymoon sure ended quick. I can't say it much better than was said here: "The song is 'Midnight Train to Georgia,' not 'C'mon Ride the Train.'"
If I learn nothing else from Idol this year, I have learned the key to becoming more of a lady is a) tank tops (tank tooops! holla!) and b) an F-ton of blush. She reminds me of the "Home Movies" episode where Melissa just kept putting on more and more makeup until Paula had to make an intervention. She is on a fast track to a diet pill addiction or secret cutting.
I like her! I really do! Even though she was looking way too porny this week! I like her! She's gotten shafted by the pre-competition editing process! I can relate! I like her! I fear her outfits! But I like her!
I want to love you, but you make it so difficult.
I thought she was like 40 years old last week. Poor thing. I liked her better this week but that is really, really not saying much of anything. I ... I have nothing else to say about her. That's bad for business!
Oops, not technically a girl. Hold up
HEY! HEY EVERYBODY! DID YOU KNOW LISA WAS IN "THE LION KING"? By which I mean A STAGE PRODUCTION OF "THE LION KING" THAT WAS PRODUCED ON A STAGE ... SOMEWHERE? SHE WAS! SHE WAS IN "THE LION KING"! SHE IS 16 AND TALENTED BEYOND HER YEARS! DID YOU KNOW THAT? SHE LOOKS LIKE AALIYAH WITH BAD HAIR! SHE WI-I-I-I-LL BE SHE WILL BE FREE-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E
If she sings a Jim Steinman song next week, I will pee myself.
My secret shame: I've bought into it. I have. The whole I don't know nuthin' 'bout nuthin' but singin' aww my daydee's in lockup etc. Shameful. I need a time out.
Hello Benetint II. Ugh. I hate this guy. Everything that comes out of his mouth makes me sterile. Pack up your Daniel Bedingfield and gooooo.
This guy is a badass. This guy rules. He made one of the Felonious Twins hate him. He is a genius. He's the only person I could see myself maybe placing a vote for if I ever found myself in a really, really dark, empty place, the kind of dark, empty place that can only be found deep inside the antisoul of someone who has nothing else to do with their time than cast Idol votes. (Yeah, I've done it. Yeah. Yeah, I know. I KNOW. Shut up.)
Just not that good. Is his daydee in lockup? I don't see any other reason to keep him around.
After tonight, I cannot rep you, my Filipino brother. I'm sorry, but no. I SAID NO.
Oh my God, Crazy Smile Man. This dude trips me out. I think he's an alien. He speaks like an autist. His voiceovers are bananas. I'd keep him around just for that. Bravo, Crazy Smile Man!
Please make it stop.
Everyone's all ooh ahh and I'm like dude whatever. Also: PORNY. Look at him. It's GROSS. Also, eew, Fuel?! Fuel?! Are you high?! Ask Jane to tell you her Fuel story the next time you see her. There may be a CROTCH in it!
Lord, why do You test me like this? What did I do?! Seriously, what did I do?!
Did you hear someone screaming NO-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O earlier tonight? That was me after this dude said he was singing "Lady."
This is Flaming Lips Reject. That's what I called him from Show One and that's what he is. Look at him. Now, I was raised to be a good girl. I was taught the mentally and physically disabled were not put here for my entertainment. I now know that shit is 100 percent correct.
That's what I'm talking about!
Thank you so much for your take on Idol. I thought I was going crazy, but it seems I am not.
Ace is a girl. No correction needed there.
I like Kellie. Check.
I like Mandisa. Check.
I like Chris. Sorry but he stands out from this pack of crap.
I like the Flaming Lips Reject because he looks like he's having fun and doesn't know any better. I bet he rode the short bus.
Elliot needs to fix some teeth, but other than that, he's the best singer here.
Kim - please keep doing this.
Posted by: pieman at March 2, 2006 07:13 AMOh my God, "Lady." I feel somehow that work sent that magically to punish us both. Also, Fuel needs a singer. My almost-babydads totally left the band.
Posted by: Jane at March 7, 2006 07:54 PM