Drop it, dude, drop it hard!

Ryan sure has aged a lot in a week! Oh wait, that's Michael Buffer. (So that WAS him before? Chilling!) I dream that these two drips actually will spend the evening punching each other out, but I fear my dreams will go unrealized. Much like this entire suckwad season. THIS is American Idol!

What's up baby, yeah yeah, Randy Jackson style. I realized that falling asleep on the couch until 4 a.m. was far more exciting than watching Tuesday's show, so I'm trying to burn through it as quickly as possible a day late, since I have little to no emotional investment in any of this other than to get it over with. Sad! Let's cry real tears ... together.

AND THE CROWD GOES MILD!

Boxing metaphors are tiresome. This heavyweight title is reserved only for superstars ... such as CHRIS DAUGHTRY! Wait. What?

Old white dudes appreciate American Idol! Our mentors this evening are Clive Davis and Andrew Lloyd Webber in a command performance.

How exciting is it to be here tonight? David C. asks the crowd to register how exciting it is, such as it is clearly so exciting for them to watch him perform, or something. God. GOD. Let's force our contestants to awkwardly compliment each other. David C. says David A. is "consistently nice."

I'm really freaked out by the woman in this McDonald ad saying "It's juicy." She's like a Manson girl. Chris replays her chewing in slo-mo. Then he imitates her chewing in slo-mo. We have a lot of fun here!

Clive Davis can suck it! I love the way they cut away from him as soon as he tries to SOAK IN THE APPLAUSE. He wants David C. to "capture the yearning of a generation," or something. Andrew Lloyd Webber continues to be daffily entertaining.

1) His "I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For" is about as exciting and magnetic as a carton of milk. Yeah, gesture to the crowd as if to "get them going." Gaaah. F-you and your giant disgusting misshapen head. 2) "Dream Big" is I guess one of those shitty song contest things. It is dull and tuneless, which means its just right for Sir Douche-a-Lot here, I mean OH MY GOD I WILL BUY 1,000 COPIES OF THIS ON CD AND MUSICASSETTE THE DAY IT COMES OUT BECAUSE IT ROCKS SO HARD JUST LIKE DAVID COOK THE NEXT AMERICAN IDOL!!!!! Randy offers up "singing your face off" and I wish it was meant literally. 3) As a finale out of all the songs on God's green AI songbook he gives us "The World I Know," as popularized by Collective Soul. Yup. Uh. REAL (maybe) TEARS! Probably 'cause he realizes it's all downhill from here. Simon looks unimpressed! No shit! Then Simon actually calls him "sincere" which is the true SHOCKER of the entire night.

SOMEONE MAKE THIS BOXING DUDE SHUT UP

1) Chris hopes he sings "Don't Let the Sun Go Down on Me" just like Forest Whitaker. Sing it hard! Put that zest on it! Am I completely high or is this completely tolerable? Jason Castro approves! 2) "In this Moment" proves that there are people on this planet who should not be allowed to write songs. This is like on some fake Josh Groban shit up in here! Actually it's a total rip on that one Jon Secada song, right? The anchors on his jacket are a secret sign to Dollie. ZESTIFY! Constantine Maroulis approves! 3) "Imagine" once again, rockin' it white windbreaker style. ZEST MADNESS! OK, his emotional overractions to everything now no longer irritate me but instead make me genuinely worry for the state of this child's headspace. It's like he's destined for a remake of Bad Ronald.

OK, so for that last one it's Collective Soul vs. John Lennon. STAKES IS HIGH, folks!!! (Don't get me wrong, I enjoy Collective Soul far more than anyone really has a right to, but JESUS, gaah, I mean—JESUS!!!)

RUBEN!!! CELEBRATE ME HOME, RUBEN!!!!!! He still brings the magic, Ruben does.

TONIGHT, TONIGHT I'LL SEE MY LOVE (this season coming to an end) TONIGHT

Our finale begins with an apparent tribute to the cinematic wonder that is Two of a Kind:

It may be just about the gayest thing ever. THIS is American Idol!!! A record 97.5 million votes! Wow, what was the ratio, 56/44? I was half-paying-attention.

Let's join our sat teams in our finalists' hometowns! David C.'s people are graced by the delightful Mikalah Gordon, while David A.'s people are saddled with the rosy-cheeked windbag that is none other than Matt, I mean FATT Rogers. Hmm, interesting.

Our Top 12 return Up With People style, featuring the Juul Haalmeyer dancers. GET READY! Carly can't dance. David H., how I have missed the zest that you bring. Janice Dickinson approves! Although truthfully she ALWAYS looks that way, so who knows.

The Davids perform "Hero," what a shocking selection. David A. has got some full-on windbreaker hotness going on. Watch out! You have to take the joy where you can find it when you're forced into a shameless and seemingly endless promo for that shitty new Mike Myers movie. Someone's watched The Party too many times. Birdie num-nums!

"Waiting for You" starts up and poor Chris is visibly very, very disappointed to see his man Seal out there with THAT SYESHA.

Seal is totally sleepwalking, yet putting her completely to shame. This is the best group of Idol talent to date, people! They should put Elliott out there with him, man, that would be sweet. Seal can put him on his shoulders and dance around and stuff. I will not rest until this happens.

This show is just CRAWLING, isn't it? Gaaaah.

Let's welcome back Jason Castro to perform "Hallelujah"! Oh Jason, how I have missed having you in my life these past two weeks, and your delightful appearance on Idol Rewind did little to console me. No, RICKEY MINOR! and the band, you CANNOT contain him with your so-called "steady beat," do not dare to tame his creative sense of rhythm!!!!

Let's look back at our FORD MUSIC VIDEO MAGIC BLOOPER MOMENTS! set to the tune of whatever, it was boring, I don't care.

You know David A.'s dad is gonna confiscate that car mad quick.

Our Top 6 ladies work hard for the money! Brooke sounds chillingly like Donna Summer. She does not dance like her, however. Amanda just wants to get it over with. Carly and her high-tension black support hose need some hot stuff tonight! Donna Summer materializes before us, looking younger than Syesha could ever hope to! These are some hard-luck lyrics, damn. Ryan gets in on some hot dancing action, bless his soul. Donna hands off her sparkly diva mic to Syesha in a shocking display of goodwill. Let's dance the last dance tonight! Wait, you mean there's like 75 minutes left of this show? Oh shoot.

Carly and Michael, please team up for a tiresome "switched up" version of "The Letter" so that we can waste more time that would otherwise be populated with actual talent! Am I insane or is Carly's dress a little cute? They should take this act on the road, I'm sure their respective spouses would LOVE that. I expect to see them on Grand Casino Hinckley commercials any moment now.

No no, no, please no Jimmy Kimmel again, no, please no, no, I don't deserve this, no. SANJAYA SIGHTING!!!!

It's time to "rock out" with our Top 6 guys! David H., please tell us about your "Summer of 69," wink wink. CHIKEZIE! I'm finding it hard to believe we're in heaven, David C., for when you are on my television I am in HELL. Let's welcome noted photographer Bryan Adams to the stage!

Bryan, my friend, you look like a burn victim in HD. David A. approves! David C., stop touching the talent!

Bahahahaha David C. and ZZ Top bahahahahaha. Way to whiff, like, EVERYTHING, douche. I was FFWDing through the commercials and came in halfway to this and decided I did not need to see it from the beginning. ZZ Top looks about as excited to be here as I am.

Chris: "Mikalah gives the illusion of motion!"

Brooke and Graham Nash. Ohhhh boy. Chris: "She found someone who'd sit with her." P.S. if you're going to go barefoot and you know they're going to shoot you from below, maybe the bottoms of your feet should be CLEAN. Just a thought. This goes on for like five hours.

Thanks to that David C./Risky Business/Guitar Hero commercial, I can no longer have children. Just spooked it clear out of me. Jesus.

Have you seen this boy? He could have been standing right next to you. Fox puts the Twin Cities to the test: Would you recognize a missing person? TONIGHT on the Fox 9 News at 10!

And now, the Jonas Brothers featuring Penn Jillette. Chris: "Is this an age test?" The one in the middle is almost as whorish as Miley Cyrus. Those pants are tight, son.

Ghastly retread through bad auditions segment is saved by RENALDO and his HOT-ASS JAM about being brothers and best friends forever. Chris is very concerned about the welfare of Paula's boobs!

OneRepublic is a band I do not care enough to know about or watch in real time, but then oh wait, it's DAVID A. out to perform with this apparent Popular Music Combo! David A. is windbreakerless, I must note. SQUEALS! from the crowd and David A. both. That poor child is so awkward.

Let's go back to Utah with Matty, I mean FATTY Rogers, trying really hard to disturb an already poor family dynamic! Good work, Einstein!

Let's welcome Jordin Sparks, wearing a dress that would perhaps be appropriate for a 5-year-old girl in 1989. Which maybe she was then, I dunno, I'm too lazy to do the math. I'd guess it probably would have fit her just as well then, too. Chris: "If she got a butt, she should be showin' it!" I really should be in FFWD mode here, but Chris is far too entertaining. "Her legs go up to her boobs!"

And now, enjoy this extended promo for Tropic Thunder ill-disguised as a pre-taped "music-related" "comedy" "bit"—because "Midnight Train to Georgia" is always a song to be played for laughs!

Someone must have learned a lesson and put Carrie Underwood on lock when she won, 'cause here she is yet AGAIN, singin' 'bout bein' trashy. Extreme upskirt! This gets Chris' rapt attention for about 30 seconds until flashing lights begin to give him a seizure (or so he claims). Ashley Tisdale approves in a totally bitchy way!

If the David C./Risky Business/Guitar Hero commercial was scarring enough, the David A. version just took me to another dimension of crazy. Chris: "Maybe his dad had to approve the choice of underwear."

Tribute to George Michael! Well, we're gonna get him after all, bless. I'm disappointed they give "Faith" to the girls and not to Jason. Bad pre-taped vocal tracks! Bad! Man, David H. can sure get his groove on to "Father Figure," dang. I can outsing all these losers on "Freedom '90," real talk. I feel David H. has lived this song. Nice eyeliner, David C. Gag. Ooh, bring it, Chikezie! Now here's George to demonstrate what Raw Emotion™ is all about, oh hell yes.

"Praying for Time" is a metaphor for this show, don't you know. Carrie Underwood better be taking notes. I am mirroring George's hand motions and it is MAGICAL. Cry, Paula, cry!!! THAT'S RIGHT.

It's a big night on Fox 9 News: Hear from the Next American Idol FIRST! And see the first and oooooonly interview with Minnesota's latest Powerball winners. How are overweight women discriminated against? Talk with big weight losers about the big difference. TONIGHT on the Fox 9 News at 9!

Let's announce the winner already! Paula reminds us that sometimes it's the things we lose that teach us who we are as people. Now present us with the envelope, British person!

Ahh, what a fitting conclusion to the shittiest season of AI ever. I cannot be motivated to care one way or another. Chris: "Now he's boned! He wanted second SO BAD!!!"

MAN, he's an ugly crier.

Blecch. Are you happy now, America?! Ahhh, and so his mom is also his scary staring stalker:

It all makes sense now. Look, he's having the "Time of [His] Life," thanks to this shitty new AI winner song. Sing us out, watermelon head!

Yes, tonight is a very special night, for tonight ... tonight, we are ALL losers. But if nothing else ...

... at least we know someone's happy, no matter what. Thanks, Idol!

The reality is hard to swallow

Sue Simmons is gangsta. THIS is American Idol!

I thought last night I was just drunk enough to really get into the prospect of nine songs performed by three people whose existence I cannot bear to acknowledge, but instead it turned out I was just drunk enough to know better. I'm sober tonight! I will live to regret this!

LET'S REWIND SHALL WE

Paula looks especially adorable, surprisingly. At least this means I don't have to necessarily do this chronologically or anything. Justin Guarini sighting!

I really want to smack all three of these contestants, hard. Marilu Henner vaguely approves! Tonight in the spirit of SWITCHING IT UP, instead of judges picking songs for all three contestants (don't they usually? or am I crazy? well I know I'm crazy but), this time it's one judge per contestant, then the producers pick something for all of them, and then they choose something for themselves. If I were to choose, I would have selected "Rump Shaker" for David A., "I'm Henry VIII I Am" for David C. and NOTHING for Syesha as I do NOT want to hear her sing ONE MORE SONG EVER.

1) David's hometown mayor got his moustache waxed up real nice and wore his best patriotic dress shirt to tell him Paula has selected Billy Joel's "And So It Goes" for him. I don't know this song as Billy Joel is also someone whose existence I tend to deny, so I can't tell you if he's just making up the melody or not. I like that Members Only look! He appears especially anaesthetized this evening. Restraint is an admirable trait. Otherwise this is like, whatever. Randy is like, dope, it don't even matter, dude! 2) "With You" by Chris Brown! Too bad Mrs. Chris Brown isn't here to enjoy this. Hahahahaha "boo" hahahahahaha. Take it to that Loggins place! This is just ... whoa. This is so horrifying I think I might love it. Brave choice award! "Boo" made Randy uncomfortable. Simon is like, WTF. Creepy stage daddy gonna beat his ass tonight! 3) Baha, bahahaha, bahahaha, the producers gave him "Longer" by Mr. Dan Fogelberg, bahahaha. Nice translucent shirt. I have nothing more to say. Randy somehow proclaims it "hot," while Simon more wisely chooses "gooey." Hot and gooey! Gross!

1) Syesha is so unlikeable, she had to find out Randy chose "If I Ain't Got You" by Alicia Keys for her via text message while she was all by alone (with that cameraperson) in a car! That's cold. Clearly he's out to get rid of her since we all know how well it goes over when ladies sing songs by other ladies who are known to be popular for being singers who are popular. But she squawk want nothin' at all! Randy can see her heart beamin' and smilin'! He said she's "standing there at number three," ooh that says it all right there. 2) Syesha chose "Fever" as she "like[s] the vibe of the song." Whatever. She's going to use a PROP CHAIR and a PROP BASSIST. She's gonna do it with both of them! That lighting is unfortunate. Corny corn corn. Paula gonna smack her down 'cause bitches be like that. Simon gives it "lame cabaret," real talk. 3) Ryan proclaims it "the last chance for Syesha ... to make it to the finale." He's the king of the dramatic pause. Come hit her (up) tonight! Wow, a soundtrack song by a nobody. Witness your future, Syesha! The producers are out to get her too. This is both plastic and wooden, which is to say fake. Simon: "It's a song about penguins." Again with the birds, this one. Everyone's like ehh. No shit!

1) Prop stubble! David C. is also the victim of text message song choice, though at least he was live on his Local Fox Affiliate when it happened. Simon gives him "The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face," oh my. He's got itchy, watery eyes. The old ladies like it! Seriously, who is that creepy stalker old lady who's just standing there staring at him? I'm traumatized. Is that his mom? I'm confused and traumatized. HIGH NOTE must be a tribute to Jason. Randy wants him to rock, baby, he's a rocker! Everyone else is like ooh ahh. Whatever. 2) Switchfoot? Really? I'm gonna take a nap now. POSTURING. I shared Jane's mom's "The One With the Head" with my mom, and she quite enjoyed that. I feel like he should have a generic label T-shirt reading PERFORMER. Everyone believes he was challenged by his crappy taste in active rock! 3) "I Don't Want to Miss a Thing," well at least they give him a soundtrack song by a somebody. Prop string section! What a SURPRISE. Emote! Douche it up! That's right! Oh thank God it's over. Diane Warren approves (of the royalty check)! Frightening that I can recognize Diane Warren. Randy's like eh. Paula goes on an insane verbal rampage that goes about 100 mph. Simon proclaims this "one of the great songs of all time," probably 'cause Diane would stomp him if he didn't. Don't cross that lady!

SO HERE WE ARE, BOTH OF US LONELY, LONGING FOR SHELTER FROM ALL THAT WE SEE

Do we really need an hourlong results show? Really? Can I cry? Will you let me?

Simon is showing OUT OF CONTROL chest tonight. Also, Fantasia!

Our top three Up With People bring us "Ain't No Stoppin' Us Now." David A. brings us that windbreaker groove we've come to know and love. David C. and his gut attempt to "mean it" with "funky" strutting. Syesha, well, who cares. I believe Randy and Paula's disco moment will be the highlight of the show, aside from seeing one of these gimps finally get canned. They're on the move! Michael Buffer (that is Michael Buffer, right?) approves. Amanda! David H.! Chikezie! We are STAR PACKED.

The FORD MUSIC VIDEO is set to none other than that Los Lonely Boys song that made everyone completely insane for about a year and a half. Let's imagine ourselves in the lap of luxury, finalists. David A.'s face at the bottom of a pool! I do picture him living out some kind of Sunset Boulevard destiny, come to think of it.

Chris returns just in time to see the recap from last night. "Fogelberg? Oof!"

Fantasia is a sassy lady! She's been eating well. Get it, girl, you know what you love! Give us some Nona Hendryx, rock that halter jumpsuit, that's right. How depressing is it to compare this to those three drips on the couch? I mean, really. God love her.

David A. can't believe he's being called first! Let's go home with him. He's stoked and pumped! Witness that poor child being attacked by cheerleaders. Let's go to the mall! Aww, genuine tears of gratitude, bless him, let's just let him win now. Chris: "I'd give it all up for one hug from my dad." Chris would like to have the mayor's shirt, and also his moustache. Somehow I had a feeling. David A.: "It's so embarrassing, they showed me crying, gosh!" Learning three songs is a lot! It was too much for Jason to comprehend, so it must be true. Let's look back at his journey, since we probably won't see his goodbye video ever! Cut to commercial!

I wonder if Syesha's homecoming will compare to Katharine McPhee's backyard barbecue. Old white ladies are confused in her presence! Old white ladies throw babies at her! Try hard to muster up those tears, there you go. This is like a natural high for her recovering addict father. Chris: "Visit your Southern Ford dealer!" Old white ladies do handstands around her! Well, that was bizarre. Let's look back at her journey! She's all about sharing her gift with the world. Chris: "She didn't let those gifts out for several weeks." Now let's play that Fantasia song that landed her in the bottom three!

The gas game! How far are you willing to go to go further on a tank of gas?* Find out TONIGHT on the Fox 9 News at 9!

His brother got some ears on him. Let's go back to the sexy Midwest. He's wearing a henley 'cause he's a douche. He is unfazed by adulation 'cause he's so rock and roll. He throws out a pitch at a hometown ballgame just like My Elliott did 'cause he's a BITER. That was boring. "The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face" by Chaka Khan! I laugh and laugh. Let's look back at his journey! Let's hastily correct our mistake as Chaka Khan and Roberta Flack are so very easily confused, as are we!

I like how David C. is the first one to give himself a round of applause at Randy's bidding. Luke sighting! Who's going home? Who? WHO?!

Is it any surprise? David C. clearly isn't surprised. What a dick. Chris: "Every time anyone on my board said she was hot, they were wrong." Carly, Brooke, Michael, Kristy Lee and Ramiele are all there to celebrate her home! Surprisingly gracious in defeat, she is now free to walk the streets and addle more old white ladies. Live the dream!

Until the finale. CAN YA HEART STAND IT?

*Transcribed word for word. Seriously, WTF.

No

No no no no. Maybe tomorrow. Tonight, no.

Ready for you to lick and send

We've got drama right here in River City! Maroon 5 and Bo Butt. Ryan says Randy had a hard-on for Syesha, or something. Last night was an emotional moment of time in which Paula gifted Syesha with the gift of recognition. Why yes, THIS is American Idol!

Up With People brings us "Reelin' in the Years" as if to spite me. There is no one on this planet more eminently qualified to espouse the world-weary wisdom of Steely Dan than David Archuleta. Fancy footwork! I wonder if their "rock research" this week included learning the origin of this band's name. This. Is. So. Joyless. Hearing "are you gathering up the tears/have you have enough of mine?" from Syesha is a precious thing. This makes The Free Design sound like Pantera. RICKEY MINOR JAMZ! Kimberly Caldwell sighting! Oh thank God it's over.

Let's take a loving look back at last night. The horror! Is it wrong of me to be charmed by Jason's "Mr. Tambourine Man"? Is the situation that dire? Is the answer to one of these questions no and the other yes? Guess!

Boy, that David A. sure is chatty. I don't care about his "game plan" with his "song choices." He's a riveting conversationalist. (He's not.) He's safe! (He is!)

HD is not kind to the ladies of "Sex and the City."

Our contestants got a "taste of the high life" on a glamorous jet! Jason's livin' the high life every day my friend. Star treatment makeovers! Somehow that is the best they can manage with David C., what a shame. A girl makes out with Jason, and then Jason makes out with a dolphin. Thank goodness I can FFWD through this Cirque du Soleil bullshit. Thanks, time wasting cross-promotional package!

Randy wants David C. to stay original dude and rock it out baby. He insists his head was in the wrong place which is strange since his head is usually UP HIS ASS because he is an ASS HEAD. He's safe, what a shame.

So it's down to THIS ONE or THAT ONE.

FORD MUSIC VIDEO! "Ring of Fire." Toreadors. Mustang. Chris: "They just wanted an excuse to put them in tight pants." Ryan takes notice!

Taylor Hicks is ready for you to lick and send ... through the mail.

Live phone calls are a must to ignore and avoid.

Chris sure looks perplexed by Maroon 5: "I wish they'd turn down the music so we can hear his voice!"* Chris wonders how it must feel for them to open for Bo Bice. This is presenting a great example to our contestants!

The cost of groceries is through the roof. You can save if you play the grocery game! Find out how TONIGHT on the Fox 9 News at 9!

Chris is right, this Valleyfair commercial does suck.

Let's welcome Bo Butt back to the AI stage! Chris: "Is he Rascal or Flatts?" He's been working on his Lenny Ray Vaughn-Kravitz impersonation. Chris notes that he spits a lot. Just think, contestants, someday this show will be all you too have left to momentarily resuscitate you out of obscurity. Speaking of which, Phil Stacey sighting!

Today's gas price hike caused some tense moments around town. And what would make a man jump off a skyscraper ... for fun? TONIGHT on the Fox 9 News at 9!

How dare Pieman equate Jason Castro and Ace Young?! HOW DARE HE?!

Oh hey it's time to say goodbye to someone! Is it the self-effacing goofball who doesn't give a shit or the creep with the crocodile tears who tries too hard?

"Somebody told me I shot the tambourine man yesterday. That was pretty funny." Ryan notes Jason seems relieved to be making an exit, and there's a good reason why: "There's three songs next week, I dunno what I woulda done!"

I will forever celebrate you home, Jason Castro. I have no idea if it simply took time for you to reveal yourself as a treasure or if it was just easy to step up your charm game in a season full of joyless prigs. You will be missed—at least until AI recognizes the potential of putting out a DVD of nothing but your finest moments and outtakes. Your goodbye video proves you're worth it!

P.S., ugh, this show.

*See, that's funny because it's totally the opposite of what really should have been happening!!!

A sits in a sow

I couldn't bear to deal with this tonight as I'm not only deathly ill but also trying to finish off Tony Fletcher's Keith Moon biography (fabulous) and am too distracted by tales of the majesty and genius of real rock stars. Also, this makes David C.'s second choice of song especially painful. The greatest drummer in the history of the universe is about to croak and you give me THIS SHIT?!

Thankfully my better half has stepped up to take this task on with gusto!, and my detached viewing experience allowed me to finally realize that David A. equals RANDY VANWARMER.

Tonight's title is brought to you courtesy David C.'s DYNAMIC lyrical transformation of "Hungry Like the Wolf," a crime far worse than Jason choking on "jingle jangle morning." And remember: Syesha in the top four is at least as important as the Civil Rights Movement! Enjoy!

Kim is very sick - or maybe sick from watching me watch primary results - and said I could fill in for her tonight. EVERYBODY LOSES - NEXT

Well, there's only four and half of them are named David. Ryan tells us three have been #1 already - who could not have been #1? (Hint: RACISM + SEXISM) But enough of this fill in the blank style commentary... THIS.............
...
...
...
...is aMERican Idol!

Quick, backstage during this animation!

Ryan emerges from the magic "The Price is Right" doors and promises that no matter what, there's only two weeks left of this crap this go round. Let's say hi to the judges! Hi, judges!

Here now are YOUR TOP FOUR, America. You'd think that they'd have better people promising better choices for their wardrobes, but only Syesha looks remotely "star."

This week's theme has something to do with the Rock'n'Roll Hall of Fame. Not only was Ike Turner a notorious wife beater, he also invented rock'n'roll (for the purposes of this montage)!

Rock'n'roll, we learn, was "rich cultural heritage" which could only be preserved by...Ahmet Ertegun? Sure, why not.

Elvis Presley was very famous!

How come the Top Four look better in this clip than they do on tonight's show?

Mine is not to ask why, mine is to soldier on through eight songs. In a dramatic switch, the judges will talk after EACH performance!

DAVID COOK says we'll get "Hungry Like the Wolf" with his own personal changes and LIKE IT. When he stands it on his head, he does not literally stand on his head, which I found a great disappointment. Kim is covering her mouth to avoid spreading germs - and limit the horror escaping from her throat. She's also laughing hysterically at what apparently is another expression of horror on MY face. He's in touch with the ground! I think that's what he said, anyway. Doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo. Why's he trying so hard to look like Jamie Oliver, anyway? Randy says his song choice was "ok" with a "solid" performance but he's looking for "mad hot" so I think "ok" won't cut it. Paula's got a big appetite after "Hungry Like the Wolf" - a big appetite for his package, I guess. Simon proclaims it "good enough to get through to next week" which is to say "surely better than Syesha will need to be later." I did NOT see Cook put his palms together for a Steve Jobs-esque "thankyou" but I didn't have my eyes on him the whole time...

NEXT: Syesha!

American Idol is brought to you by FORD! PLAY ARTIST ZEBRA

So You Think You Can Sit Through Two Hours of "Dance" premiers soon!

Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader? Not if you're actually watching this show!

Ryan and the Coca-Cola logo spend some time on stools with SYESHA! OMG she's so excited about the upcoming tour! She can't wait to meet her (apparently existent) fans! Talk talk talk talk talk. Let's find out what she's singing.

Of course, it's PROUD MARY by Tina Turner. Everyone else has covered it, so why CAN'T she? She'll show us right now! In order to avoid comparisons to Tina, her dress is entirely too long and she completely fails to leave puddles of her own sweat all over the stage. She also opts to sing "toot toot toot" during the breakdown. This song doesn't work so well as a 4" edit. I believe that's the tattoo and rack of Carly over the judges' shoulders! I missed the judges' comments but I believe they were entirely too kind. It's up to Simon to save us - and here comes the slight damper: a bad, shrieky version - a bad impersonation of Tina Turner. X gets the square. Randy offers that Louisiana and England means he and Simon are from different places. It's up to Simon to "keep it real." Syesha's having FUN! She will have FUN! celebrating her self home in 24!

Jason opens his mouth! David fails to show emotion of any kind! They're NEXT!

There is an awesome Jimmy Johns (in Japanese) ad during the local spot of this break, but you didn't see it if you're not in this market. Your loss, dude.

The Valley Fair ad is less awesome. Back to the FFWD key!

Darlington Saturday Night NASCAR! Now we're talking!

iTunes is the place for tonight's performances as well as those of Milo Turk (thanks Monitor commenter!)

Ryan hits on Carly...and convinces no one

JASON spends 45 minutes telling us that he's going to perform Bob Marley's "I Shot the Sheriff" and then spends 90 seconds reminding us that you can grow the longest dreads in the world but you're still a white dude. Randy's use of the word "karaoke" was a kind way of telling him he wasn't black enough. Jason doesn't care! Jason is probably wishing he'd worn an Africa medallion. Paula didn't like it but was happy he actually performed to the audience. Simon warns him to stand back, and then proclaims it utterly atrocious. The song shouldn't be touched, terrible arrangement, looks like a first round trainwreck, doesn't know what he was thinking. Jason: "I was thinking Bob Marley!" Ryan asks Randy and Simon to twist the knife and they comply. Paula reiterates that she'd like to have his baby if only she was physically able. Syesha's feeling better.

DAVID ARCHULETA is going to sing "Stand By Me" by "Benny King" - he's always sung it to himself when he was alone, under the covers, so softly, so that his father wouldn't come in with the belt. What the heck is with that T-shirt? I believe it's an actual picture of doves crying. Sadly, David does not augment the instrumentation with his own performance on triangle - I mean, if you're gonna GO, go ALL THE WAY. I get that David developed a great love of Wil Wheaton from watching that movie and that's how he came to love this song as well. I get that. He wants the beautiful girls to stand by him, but then he tries to sing in castrati land? That dad needs to take off his dad racing cap. Ryan says it was so hot, dude, it was hot. Are the judges afraid of his dad, too? I can't take all this ass kissing. Save us, Simon. Another shot at Jason, wow get over it. He thinks he struggled near the end, but in the grand scheme of things, that's probably the best performance so far. David says their faces scare him. I think a lot of things scare him.

This is like a WWE Supershow - just when you think it's over - it's only half over. I bet you were wondering what the over/under was on me making a professional wrestling reference. Everybody tries again after this break!

American Idol is brought to you by CRAPPY AT&T WIRELESS!

Kim has already proclaimed her overjoyedness that she's not writing this several times. I think I need a present or something.

Ryan and Coca-Cola sit Cook on the stool. He's in his element this week! Coming up, purple potatoes with shallots!

His second song is "Baba O'Reilly" by The Who. He chose it because it's the theme song of one of the shows in the "CSI" franchise. Wow, he's taking everything I love about this song and making sure it's completely gone from his version - that must be the COOK MAGIC. I dunno, when they're cut to this length, you probably shouldn't sing them TWICE AS SLOW - oh wait, here we go with the speedup - what the hell? That was, like, two seconds of tease and then it was over. (Kim may find that familiar!) Randy says it's great, Paula wants more Dave Cook (inside her), Simon welcomes him back. In a sense, he's right, welcomening him back my friends to a show which never ends. Let's take a quick break and then Syesha and Jason will see who REALLY wants to get gone!

It's not dancing unless you're practically naked! On FOX!

Rascal Flatts are in the house, wishing they'd picked a different week to sit in the audience! Get thyself to iTunes and spend more money!

SYESHA says A Change is Gonna Come, but unlike Sam Cooke, she's going to be alive when she sings it! The Civil Rights Movement was, like, very important! And this song has, like, totally different meanings or something! We are blessed with an outfit change! (If David changed beyond putting on that blazer I didn't catch it.) I'm curious to see whether Mercado wants to suck up to the foot fetish crowd for another week but the dress is too long for us to be sure. I dunno, I thought she sang it like she should have been sitting on the piano and pretending to be Fantasia. Not that I spent a lot of time watching Fantasia, either. Randy didn't like this as much as the first one. He's talking long enough that I bet Carly has to adjust her top again. Paula stands and applauds. She just wants to hug her. She utilized everything she'd hope she'd use (I guess she IS barefoot?) then makes her cry. Oh, for all the blatant emotional appeals for...fortunately, Simon still has to talk. Oh, he "surprised" us by agreeing with (dramatic pause) Paula. It meant a lot to her! Tears in the cleavage means a lot to ME! She spent a lot of time at the National Archives researching ... oh, stop. When your makeup runs, you actually look LESS BLACK. Randy says he's TOO BLACK. Ryan says Hell's Kitchen is gonna start - not soon enough!

In deep trouble, JASON offers "Mr. Tambourine Man" by Bob Dylan. With any luck, he will NOT give a FUCK and perform appropriately. Knowing that he must not disappoint me, he completely forgets two bars during the chorus - but remembers it later. It might have been better if he'd adopted the William Shatner rendition, but that version probably wasn't on his iPod. Randy asks him to evaluate himself so he wouldn't have to. Paula proclaims that it is what it is, but he blows her (away). Simon tells Jason to pack his suitcase. This is probably just a brilliant move on Jason's part to stay in the competition. That dude is CLEARLY a CRIMINAL MASTERMIND.

The end is in sight! One more from the chippermunchkin NEXT!

Adolescent insomnia is on the rise! What can you do about it? (Tell them to stop watching FOX Prime Time and get into the bed?) TONIGHT ON FOX AT 10

ACE YOUNG special guest corpse on BONES!!!!!!!!!!! (Who is Ace Young?)

Hell's Kitchen REALLY IS NEXT

But first, DAVID ARCHULETA picks "Love Me Tender" by Elvis Presley, because there's nothing more appropriate for a boy of his age to sing. Let's take a quick scarf count - ZERO. Well, that's an F from me. At least this shirt is better than that first one...by which I mean it has more buttons and less birds. Was this version in "Aladdin" or something? Somewhere...out...there....yeah, it totally fits. Once again, gratuitous falsetto at the end - why? I cannot say. I expect the judges won't, either. Randy proclaims him tender and caressing of each word. Hot vocal of the night! Paula felt his hard (when she held him close to her bosom). Simon says he didn't just beat the competition, he crushed them. David can't believe it! He never believes anything! Thank you! Thank you!

Recap of what we just saw. I hate to say it, but I think the peak was that wacky "Hungry Like the Wolf" - especially given a second chance to see that very emotional lean-in-and-LOOK. "They're all WASTED!" Oh God, I really can't take Syesha, I don't care if she's improved at all over the past however many weeks, she's awwwwwwwwwwful. But that's nice eye shadow and lipstick! They wisely play the time Jason remembered the words. I sure wish Chikezie were here - that man could SING. Who will be the next Tamyra Gray or Daughtry? I bet if it's Jason he will NOT be like them other folks! Jason salutes his shorts.

8:03 and we're outta here - Hell's Kitchen starts NOW.

THERE YOU HAVE IT.

I can usually be found at the-w.com when I'm not commenting here.